Every journey has it's detour.
This is mine.
I'm tired. I'm tired, okay?
I'm tired of being a martyr for you. I don't want to be a martyr. I don't want to be a martyr to this relationship.
But I Love You so much, I don't know how to stop. It's how I Love You.
I don't want to resent it. I don't want to be sinfully self-righteous. But... I just, I just want to cry.
Just sometimes I wish... I wish that... no. I'm being selfish.
Friday, 15 October 2010
Saturday, 2 October 2010
God never made a nobody.
God made amazing people. We are all beautiful and amazing and we need to remember that.
This past week I set myself a goal. Whenever someone asked me how I was, regardless of how I felt, I would say, "I'm doing fantastic", or "I am feeling fantastic". I don't care if it was a lie at the moment, but simply speaking those words made me feel better instantly. To say that I am doing fantastic reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for. I am walking, I have all my senses, I have a roof over my head, a great family, great friends and a wonderful boyfriend who tells me he loves me whenenver I feel like such a loser.
A few days ago, I had a goal to turn my life around, not to allow this depression to conquer me.
Why did I think it was going to be easy?
This evening my boyfriend and I were on the phone. When he asked me how I was, I said I was fantastic, and in that moment I felt fantastic. However, he wasn't doing too well. He was worrying and mulling over several things. I did my best to keep him from worrying, and I succeeded, but somehow, selfishly, I reversed the conversation. I made it entirely focused upon me. Somehow the conversation spiralled into a conversation of self-pity and he had to spend the better part of an hour and a half cheering me up and reminding me of who I am.
WHO AM I?
Frightening question.
It scared and worried me. He kept telling me that I knew who I was, but it's not that simple. I don't anymore. I don't know who I am. I keep saying that I'll decide to be awesome instead. I keep telling myself that I am amazing and beautiful, but WHAT makes me amazing and beautiful? Why am I awesome? Why am I feeling fantastic? What makes me a fantastic person? My self-esteem isn't exactly top-notch.
Last year, I was such a full person.
This year, I feel as though I am but a shadow of the person I used to be. I often used to say that the most difficult person to compete with was yourself. I am living in the shadow of my own life. Last year I was intelligent, sophisticated, reknowned, an active member of a Youth Group, helping the Community. I was talented in the arts, I was accepted into law school. I was aspiring, full of dreams, I cared about the world, I cared about international affairs. I was a proactive person who went out into the world and tried to change it.
Now... who am I?
Everyday, I wake up, go to uni, come home, study, talk to my boyfriend, and sleep. That is my life. I don't do anything. I don't have a job, I can't drive. I can't see my friends because that would require money and they all have jobs. While I, I feel like a parasite leeching off my parents' hard earned money. Whenenver I go out with my boyfriend, he pays. I feel as though I am constantly relying on the strength of others. I feel as though I m constantly relying on other people's kindness.
I don't feel independent anymore. I feel like a shadow of who I was. Because of all my study I no longer can maintain an interest in the things I used to do. Before I strove to be perfect in everything I did, I strove to be perfect and talented because I always told myself that in order to be loved, you must be worth loving. Now, I feel like everything that I validated myself with is gone.
At the moment, I hardly practice with my piano, I hardly sing, I never write, I never read, my marks at University are mediocre, my dreams seem so far away, my motivation gone. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what drives me. It upsets me immensely, I am in tears thinking about it. I'm not intelligent anymore. I don't know who I am. What makes me amazing? What makes me awesome? Why am I fantastic?
I know that there's so much potential in all of us. But I don't feel so full of it at the moment. I don't feel so hopeful at the moment.
BUT I REFUSE TO WALLOW IN THIS ANY LONGER:
So I am going to lie to myself constantly. I am going to tell myself that I am an amazing person, until I finally believe it.
I am going to reclaim my drive. I am going to find what motivates me. I am going to be a HD student again. I am going to receive better marks because I will have a bright future full of hope and love and encouragement.
I am going to be that full, well-rounded person I once was.
I STILL AM THAT PERSON. THAT PERSON IS HERE. YOU MUST BELIEVE IT DANA.
Remember why you are amazing:
1) The world may not see it now, but you are an intelligent and astute individual. You do not need the world to validate this. You know it.
2) You love the Lord, your God and the only person's judgment you should care about is his.
3) If there's one thing you do right, it's love. You know how to love your boyfriend. You care about him and love him deeply.
4) You are a great older sister.
5) You are still a leader within the youth community. You still do your best to contribute.
6) You are still such a talented individual. People may not listen to you sing or play, people may no longer read your work, but you know in your heart that you are talented and you don't need to the validation of others to remember why you are awesome.
7)You are still a sophisticated woman who looks after herself and carries herself with pride and dignity.
8) You still care about the world, you still want to help shape it and change it.
9) You are determined to push yourself out of this rut.
10) You are amazing. Enough said.
Remember, you don't need others to validate who you are. You are a human being. A wonderfully complex, intricate creation of God. He has a plan for you, TRUST IN HIM and pray. You still are an amazing individual. Although you may not see it now, you are beautiful, you're intelligent, you're studying law, you're helping your community and you have so much POTENTIAL!!!
LIVE IN HOPE!!!
Whatever happened to optimism? Whatever happened to viewing the cup to the brim? The glass wasn't half-full - it's filled to the brim! Bring back that optimism and determination!!!
Think about it this way: you may be a lump of coal now, but in the future, you will be a brilliant diamond. You are a brilliant and excellent person. You are more talented than you know. You may not see it now, but you are. You have so much potential. Remember, you have BIG DREAMS. HUGE DREAMS. FULFILL THEM.
HAVE NO DOUBTS.
Remember what you said to yourself last year? No matter what you had to go through, no matter what pain you had to experience, you WILL ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS. YOU WILL LIVE YOUR DREAMS WITHOUT A DOUBT!
SO WHAT IF YOU'RE NOT RECEIVING THE MARKS YOU WISH TO RECEIVE?
TOMORROW'S A NEW DAY.
TRY HARDER.
If your best isn't enough, TRY HARDER. YOU WILL SUCCEED.
YOU
WILL
SUCCEED.
You don't need another person to validate how amazing you are. You are a strong, kind and courteous woman. You are talented. You are LOVED. GOD LOVES YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE AMAZING. YOU ARE AMAZING. You are so talented, so gifted with intelligence and eloquence within you. Inside you is a lump of coal waiting to be a diamond, and you are beautiful. You have so much potential. You are intelligent and beautiful and sophisticated. You have a wonderful appreciation for culture and the arts, for religion and science and you don't judge others easily. You care about so many things and you love people so deeply.
God cares about those things.
You know in your heart that you are talented and sophisticated and cosmpolitan and intelligent and brilliant.
BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE. IF YOU DON'T FEEL BRILLIANT, THEN BE BRILLIANT. IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE THE PERSON YOU USED TO BE, THEN BE BETTER THAN THE PERSON YOU USED TO BE.
THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
BE BETTER.
WALLOWING WON'T DO ANYTHING.
BE BETTER. IT'S SIMPLE.
BE BETTER. BECAUSE YOU ARE BETTER. YOU ARE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL AND YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE TO TELL YOU THAT. YOU KNOW YOU ARE AND GOD KNOWS YOU ARE. GO OUT THERE AND MAKE THE BIG MAN PROUD!~!!!!!
This past week I set myself a goal. Whenever someone asked me how I was, regardless of how I felt, I would say, "I'm doing fantastic", or "I am feeling fantastic". I don't care if it was a lie at the moment, but simply speaking those words made me feel better instantly. To say that I am doing fantastic reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for. I am walking, I have all my senses, I have a roof over my head, a great family, great friends and a wonderful boyfriend who tells me he loves me whenenver I feel like such a loser.
A few days ago, I had a goal to turn my life around, not to allow this depression to conquer me.
Why did I think it was going to be easy?
This evening my boyfriend and I were on the phone. When he asked me how I was, I said I was fantastic, and in that moment I felt fantastic. However, he wasn't doing too well. He was worrying and mulling over several things. I did my best to keep him from worrying, and I succeeded, but somehow, selfishly, I reversed the conversation. I made it entirely focused upon me. Somehow the conversation spiralled into a conversation of self-pity and he had to spend the better part of an hour and a half cheering me up and reminding me of who I am.
WHO AM I?
Frightening question.
It scared and worried me. He kept telling me that I knew who I was, but it's not that simple. I don't anymore. I don't know who I am. I keep saying that I'll decide to be awesome instead. I keep telling myself that I am amazing and beautiful, but WHAT makes me amazing and beautiful? Why am I awesome? Why am I feeling fantastic? What makes me a fantastic person? My self-esteem isn't exactly top-notch.
Last year, I was such a full person.
This year, I feel as though I am but a shadow of the person I used to be. I often used to say that the most difficult person to compete with was yourself. I am living in the shadow of my own life. Last year I was intelligent, sophisticated, reknowned, an active member of a Youth Group, helping the Community. I was talented in the arts, I was accepted into law school. I was aspiring, full of dreams, I cared about the world, I cared about international affairs. I was a proactive person who went out into the world and tried to change it.
Now... who am I?
Everyday, I wake up, go to uni, come home, study, talk to my boyfriend, and sleep. That is my life. I don't do anything. I don't have a job, I can't drive. I can't see my friends because that would require money and they all have jobs. While I, I feel like a parasite leeching off my parents' hard earned money. Whenenver I go out with my boyfriend, he pays. I feel as though I am constantly relying on the strength of others. I feel as though I m constantly relying on other people's kindness.
I don't feel independent anymore. I feel like a shadow of who I was. Because of all my study I no longer can maintain an interest in the things I used to do. Before I strove to be perfect in everything I did, I strove to be perfect and talented because I always told myself that in order to be loved, you must be worth loving. Now, I feel like everything that I validated myself with is gone.
At the moment, I hardly practice with my piano, I hardly sing, I never write, I never read, my marks at University are mediocre, my dreams seem so far away, my motivation gone. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what drives me. It upsets me immensely, I am in tears thinking about it. I'm not intelligent anymore. I don't know who I am. What makes me amazing? What makes me awesome? Why am I fantastic?
I know that there's so much potential in all of us. But I don't feel so full of it at the moment. I don't feel so hopeful at the moment.
BUT I REFUSE TO WALLOW IN THIS ANY LONGER:
So I am going to lie to myself constantly. I am going to tell myself that I am an amazing person, until I finally believe it.
I am going to reclaim my drive. I am going to find what motivates me. I am going to be a HD student again. I am going to receive better marks because I will have a bright future full of hope and love and encouragement.
I am going to be that full, well-rounded person I once was.
I STILL AM THAT PERSON. THAT PERSON IS HERE. YOU MUST BELIEVE IT DANA.
Remember why you are amazing:
1) The world may not see it now, but you are an intelligent and astute individual. You do not need the world to validate this. You know it.
2) You love the Lord, your God and the only person's judgment you should care about is his.
3) If there's one thing you do right, it's love. You know how to love your boyfriend. You care about him and love him deeply.
4) You are a great older sister.
5) You are still a leader within the youth community. You still do your best to contribute.
6) You are still such a talented individual. People may not listen to you sing or play, people may no longer read your work, but you know in your heart that you are talented and you don't need to the validation of others to remember why you are awesome.
7)You are still a sophisticated woman who looks after herself and carries herself with pride and dignity.
8) You still care about the world, you still want to help shape it and change it.
9) You are determined to push yourself out of this rut.
10) You are amazing. Enough said.
Remember, you don't need others to validate who you are. You are a human being. A wonderfully complex, intricate creation of God. He has a plan for you, TRUST IN HIM and pray. You still are an amazing individual. Although you may not see it now, you are beautiful, you're intelligent, you're studying law, you're helping your community and you have so much POTENTIAL!!!
LIVE IN HOPE!!!
Whatever happened to optimism? Whatever happened to viewing the cup to the brim? The glass wasn't half-full - it's filled to the brim! Bring back that optimism and determination!!!
Think about it this way: you may be a lump of coal now, but in the future, you will be a brilliant diamond. You are a brilliant and excellent person. You are more talented than you know. You may not see it now, but you are. You have so much potential. Remember, you have BIG DREAMS. HUGE DREAMS. FULFILL THEM.
HAVE NO DOUBTS.
Remember what you said to yourself last year? No matter what you had to go through, no matter what pain you had to experience, you WILL ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS. YOU WILL LIVE YOUR DREAMS WITHOUT A DOUBT!
SO WHAT IF YOU'RE NOT RECEIVING THE MARKS YOU WISH TO RECEIVE?
TOMORROW'S A NEW DAY.
TRY HARDER.
If your best isn't enough, TRY HARDER. YOU WILL SUCCEED.
YOU
WILL
SUCCEED.
You don't need another person to validate how amazing you are. You are a strong, kind and courteous woman. You are talented. You are LOVED. GOD LOVES YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE AMAZING. YOU ARE AMAZING. You are so talented, so gifted with intelligence and eloquence within you. Inside you is a lump of coal waiting to be a diamond, and you are beautiful. You have so much potential. You are intelligent and beautiful and sophisticated. You have a wonderful appreciation for culture and the arts, for religion and science and you don't judge others easily. You care about so many things and you love people so deeply.
God cares about those things.
You know in your heart that you are talented and sophisticated and cosmpolitan and intelligent and brilliant.
BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE. IF YOU DON'T FEEL BRILLIANT, THEN BE BRILLIANT. IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE THE PERSON YOU USED TO BE, THEN BE BETTER THAN THE PERSON YOU USED TO BE.
THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
BE BETTER.
WALLOWING WON'T DO ANYTHING.
BE BETTER. IT'S SIMPLE.
BE BETTER. BECAUSE YOU ARE BETTER. YOU ARE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL AND YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE TO TELL YOU THAT. YOU KNOW YOU ARE AND GOD KNOWS YOU ARE. GO OUT THERE AND MAKE THE BIG MAN PROUD!~!!!!!
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