Have the Light of Life!

Bleeding Love.

2010-10-15T14:20:00.002+11:00

Every journey has it's detour.

This is mine.

I'm tired. I'm tired, okay?

I'm tired of being a martyr for you. I don't want to be a martyr. I don't want to be a martyr to this relationship.

But I Love You so much, I don't know how to stop. It's how I Love You.

I don't want to resent it. I don't want to be sinfully self-righteous. But... I just, I just want to cry.

Just sometimes I wish... I wish that... no. I'm being selfish.

God never made a nobody.

2010-10-02T01:42:00.002+10:00

God made amazing people. We are all beautiful and amazing and we need to remember that.

This past week I set myself a goal. Whenever someone asked me how I was, regardless of how I felt, I would say, "I'm doing fantastic", or "I am feeling fantastic". I don't care if it was a lie at the moment, but simply speaking those words made me feel better instantly. To say that I am doing fantastic reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for. I am walking, I have all my senses, I have a roof over my head, a great family, great friends and a wonderful boyfriend who tells me he loves me whenenver I feel like such a loser.

A few days ago, I had a goal to turn my life around, not to allow this depression to conquer me.

Why did I think it was going to be easy?

This evening my boyfriend and I were on the phone. When he asked me how I was, I said I was fantastic, and in that moment I felt fantastic. However, he wasn't doing too well. He was worrying and mulling over several things. I did my best to keep him from worrying, and I succeeded, but somehow, selfishly, I reversed the conversation. I made it entirely focused upon me. Somehow the conversation spiralled into a conversation of self-pity and he had to spend the better part of an hour and a half cheering me up and reminding me of who I am.

WHO AM I?

Frightening question.

It scared and worried me. He kept telling me that I knew who I was, but it's not that simple. I don't anymore. I don't know who I am. I keep saying that I'll decide to be awesome instead. I keep telling myself that I am amazing and beautiful, but WHAT makes me amazing and beautiful? Why am I awesome? Why am I feeling fantastic? What makes me a fantastic person? My self-esteem isn't exactly top-notch.

Last year, I was such a full person.

This year, I feel as though I am but a shadow of the person I used to be. I often used to say that the most difficult person to compete with was yourself. I am living in the shadow of my own life. Last year I was intelligent, sophisticated, reknowned, an active member of a Youth Group, helping the Community. I was talented in the arts, I was accepted into law school. I was aspiring, full of dreams, I cared about the world, I cared about international affairs. I was a proactive person who went out into the world and tried to change it.

Now... who am I?

Everyday, I wake up, go to uni, come home, study, talk to my boyfriend, and sleep. That is my life. I don't do anything. I don't have a job, I can't drive. I can't see my friends because that would require money and they all have jobs. While I, I feel like a parasite leeching off my parents' hard earned money. Whenenver I go out with my boyfriend, he pays. I feel as though I am constantly relying on the strength of others. I feel as though I m constantly relying on other people's kindness.

I don't feel independent anymore. I feel like a shadow of who I was. Because of all my study I no longer can maintain an interest in the things I used to do. Before I strove to be perfect in everything I did, I strove to be perfect and talented because I always told myself that in order to be loved, you must be worth loving. Now, I feel like everything that I validated myself with is gone.

At the moment, I hardly practice with my piano, I hardly sing, I never write, I never read, my marks at University are mediocre, my dreams seem so far away, my motivation gone. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what drives me. It upsets me immensely, I am in tears thinking about it. I'm not intelligent anymore. I don't know who I am. What makes me amazing? What makes me awesome? Why am I fantastic?

I know that there's so much potential in all of us. But I don't feel so full of it at the moment. I don't feel so hopeful at the moment.

BUT I REFUSE TO WALLOW IN THIS ANY LONGER:

So I am going to lie to myself constantly. I am going to tell myself that I am an amazing person, until I finally believe it.

I am going to reclaim my drive. I am going to find what motivates me. I am going to be a HD student again. I am going to receive better marks because I will have a bright future full of hope and love and encouragement.

I am going to be that full, well-rounded person I once was.

I STILL AM THAT PERSON. THAT PERSON IS HERE. YOU MUST BELIEVE IT DANA.

Remember why you are amazing:

1) The world may not see it now, but you are an intelligent and astute individual. You do not need the world to validate this. You know it.

2) You love the Lord, your God and the only person's judgment you should care about is his.

3) If there's one thing you do right, it's love. You know how to love your boyfriend. You care about him and love him deeply.

4) You are a great older sister.

5) You are still a leader within the youth community. You still do your best to contribute.

6) You are still such a talented individual. People may not listen to you sing or play, people may no longer read your work, but you know in your heart that you are talented and you don't need to the validation of others to remember why you are awesome.

7)You are still a sophisticated woman who looks after herself and carries herself with pride and dignity.

8) You still care about the world, you still want to help shape it and change it.

9) You are determined to push yourself out of this rut.

10) You are amazing. Enough said.

Remember, you don't need others to validate who you are. You are a human being. A wonderfully complex, intricate creation of God. He has a plan for you, TRUST IN HIM and pray. You still are an amazing individual. Although you may not see it now, you are beautiful, you're intelligent, you're studying law, you're helping your community and you have so much POTENTIAL!!!

LIVE IN HOPE!!!

Whatever happened to optimism? Whatever happened to viewing the cup to the brim? The glass wasn't half-full - it's filled to the brim! Bring back that optimism and determination!!!

Think about it this way: you may be a lump of coal now, but in the future, you will be a brilliant diamond. You are a brilliant and excellent person. You are more talented than you know. You may not see it now, but you are. You have so much potential. Remember, you have BIG DREAMS. HUGE DREAMS. FULFILL THEM.

HAVE NO DOUBTS.

Remember what you said to yourself last year? No matter what you had to go through, no matter what pain you had to experience, you WILL ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS. YOU WILL LIVE YOUR DREAMS WITHOUT A DOUBT!

SO WHAT IF YOU'RE NOT RECEIVING THE MARKS YOU WISH TO RECEIVE?

TOMORROW'S A NEW DAY.

TRY HARDER.

If your best isn't enough, TRY HARDER. YOU WILL SUCCEED.

YOU

WILL

SUCCEED.

You don't need another person to validate how amazing you are. You are a strong, kind and courteous woman. You are talented. You are LOVED. GOD LOVES YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE AMAZING. YOU ARE AMAZING. You are so talented, so gifted with intelligence and eloquence within you. Inside you is a lump of coal waiting to be a diamond, and you are beautiful. You have so much potential. You are intelligent and beautiful and sophisticated. You have a wonderful appreciation for culture and the arts, for religion and science and you don't judge others easily. You care about so many things and you love people so deeply.

God cares about those things.

You know in your heart that you are talented and sophisticated and cosmpolitan and intelligent and brilliant.

BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE. IF YOU DON'T FEEL BRILLIANT, THEN BE BRILLIANT. IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE THE PERSON YOU USED TO BE, THEN BE BETTER THAN THE PERSON YOU USED TO BE.

THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

BE BETTER.

WALLOWING WON'T DO ANYTHING.

BE BETTER. IT'S SIMPLE.

BE BETTER. BECAUSE YOU ARE BETTER. YOU ARE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL AND YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE TO TELL YOU THAT. YOU KNOW YOU ARE AND GOD KNOWS YOU ARE. GO OUT THERE AND MAKE THE BIG MAN PROUD!~!!!!!

When I'm sad, I stop being sad and decide to be AWESOME instead.

2010-09-29T14:34:00.002+10:00

True story.

I really don't care who reads this. Most likely no-one will. But I don't care, I'm doing this for me, so I have something to look to in case I feel down and lonely. It is a place I can look for, for strength. So if you do read this, I hope in some way, you can benefit from my journey.

I am going to change my life. I am going to take control of my mind. I am going to take control of who I am and not allow the demons that I fought in the past, force their way into my heart once more.

I thought about about making a new blog, starting anew and leaving all this mess behind me. It sounds like a good idea, however, I decided that my origins are a part of me, the darkness and everything I experienced in the past are a part of me and they stay a part of me, it is simply my choice to overcome them. The darkness I have experienced is a part of what will make me stronger today. I wish I could be more eloquent, as eloquent as I used to be, however unfortunately I am out practice. So, this is coming from the heart.

This blog will become anew, as I will become anew.

But I know I can't do it alone, I know I have my loved ones. I know I have my God. We can't do this without him. I know now, that this year, having found LOVE and the greatest happiness I have ever known (a blessing from the Lord, I assure you) that the enemy wishes to undo that. I am steadily becoming stronger in my faith, but as a result, I know that I am being attacked by a force that wishes to undo me. It's a force that's telling me that I don't deserve this, that I deserve the darkness. We don't deserve that. We are God's greatest creations. We are made in God's image. We are powerful, we can overcome. In the Lord's name we can overcome this evil. I can overcome it. Everyday will be a battle, everyday will be a challenge. But I will choose to live my day, loving and forgiving, becoming a disciple of Christ.

With that said, a wise person once said to me: A day without love is a day wasted. So go out there and leave a legacy of love.

Step 1 for today: CHANGE THE TITLE OF THIS BLOG! IT'S SO CYNICAL! I used to think it was hilarious (still do) but we need to breathe positivty and fill that cup to the Brim. I'd like to thank Kandee Johnson for inspiring me to do this. She's an amazing woman and a true blessing.

As long as you're happy, I'll be fine.

2010-09-27T00:46:00.002+10:00

Please don't worry about me. Yes I'm lying to you. No, I'm not fine. I never was. I'll never be fine. But don't worry about me. Becuase you need to be happy. Your happiness sustains me. If I can't keep you happy then I have nothing left. All I know what to do is Love you, and if I can't keep you happy, then... then you'll be gone and I will have nothing.

You said I have so much to be thankful for, and I do. Which makes it worse, because I am such a whiny bitch and I can't look at God right now for the shame that streaks it's way down my face.

You don't understand. I need to tell you I'm fine. I need to lie to you. You said that you won't worry when there's nothing to worry about. That's why I need to lie to you. Because, then you'll always worry and I can't have that.

You told me not to lie to you, but you can't handle the truth.

The truth is wretched and horrible.

You want the truth? Here it is:

The truth is I am a proud person, and if I don't put myself down, I will be proud. The truth is that I am a wretched sinner, I'm weak and undeserving. The truth is that I cry myself to sleep every night.; The truth is, I think I've returned to my disorder. The truth is I hate myself. I truly hate myself. That is a strong word and I mean it. I mean it. I hate myself and I don't know why you love me. I don't understand it. I don't deserve you. I never have and I never will. I don't know why you love me, you should be with someone else. But I'm too selfish.

I don't know why you Love me,

but please... don't stop.

I could utilise a plethora of words with flourish...

2010-09-23T00:48:00.002+10:00

to demonstrate how I feel at this moment in time. I could describe in intricate detail how I so suddenly thought a quick swipe would take the pain away - which it did, by the way. Or I could discuss how everything I once struggled so arduously for, has collapsed around me in pieces. Or I could discuss how much of a monster I am, or how terrible a person I cracked up to be. Or I could discuss how I utterly useless a girlfriend, I am, or how I so resemble a parasite, selfish and sucking the life out of everything I touch... but these words summarise it all:

I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF.

Good.

Now study.

It's the only thing you're good at.

Or, used to be good at.

It's not like you excel at ANYTHING anymore.

You're so inadequate. You can't even love someone appropriately.

You don't deserve it.

Niggle

2010-08-18T16:46:00.002+10:00

This has been bothering me for 5 days now.

WHY CAN'T MY BRAIN JUST SHUT UP?
Why can't I just move on with my life?
Honestly!
This is ridiculous and totally irrational.
I don't want to think about it.
I should be totally fine.
But no, I just have to be a jealous bitch, don't I?
GRRR! THIS IS NOT RATIONAL!
DANA TELL YOUR BRAIN TO SHUT THE HELL UP. IT HAS A MOUNTAIN OF WORK TO COMPLETE AND YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE THINKING OF THINGS THAT ARE STUPID...

... Or people you want to inflict GBH upon.

Stop torturing yourself!!!!

Gah!!!!!! SHUSH!!!

wow that was pretty spot on.

2010-07-10T05:43:00.001+10:00

Am I depressed?

Probably.

It's not like anyone gives a shit, anyway.

I miss you

2010-06-30T15:53:00.002+10:00

Do you miss me too?

Doubt it. Yapari, watashi no koto wa iranai desu.

Well,

2010-06-27T23:22:00.000+10:00

goodbye.

I leave tomorrow, and I won't be seeing you for a while.

I Love You.

...

2010-06-25T21:40:00.000+10:00

it's like I was built for loneliness.

WHEN WILL IT EVER BE ENOUGH

2010-06-19T23:05:00.002+10:00

WHEN WILL YOU TRUST ME???

The fact that you don't, kills me.

Just you wait, simpletons. Just...you...wait.

2010-06-10T12:09:00.002+10:00

I know you all, and will awhile uphold
Th unyok'd humour of idleness.
Yet herein will I imitate the sun,
Who doth permit the base contagious clouds
To smother up his beauty from the world,
That, when he please again to be himself,
Being wanted he may be more wonder'd at
By breaking through the foul and ugly mists
Of vapours that did seem to strangle him.

- Prince Henry, King Henry IV Part One, William Shakespeare

...

2010-06-07T00:35:00.001+10:00

Fuck, the truth's a bitch.

Ignorance IS bliss.

I was better off in my own little den of turmoil and uncertainty than actually having my fears confirmed.

...

2010-06-04T23:06:00.002+10:00

I don't know what just stole over me.

I thought I was over this.

Stephanie said I was over this.

Maybe because my counselling only took half as long is why I am still troubled now. She said that someone with my level issues would take a year to work through them and get over it. I closed my file within five and a half months.

Why did I snap that chopstick. Why did I grab that compass. Why did I grab that pen. Why was I frantically searching for scissors.

Why did I try to

I'm not even going to say it.

I promised myself I would never do that EVER again. But then again, I don't have a straight track record with promises I've made to myself, do I?

I'm so...

Just go to sleep.

Sleep.

Forget this ever happened.

Incomplete

2010-06-03T23:41:00.002+10:00

The rain beats against my rooftop.

It's a blessed sound.

I feel like I can go to sleep to it, but I can't.

Because everything is empty without you.

I really don't want to disturb you since it's the day before everything is due, and you don't require any distractions from me. So, I'm writing here in the hopes that one day you'll read this and know that I'm always thinking of you.

But - yeah,

I don't know how you feel. HOW ARE YOU? Are you tired? Exhausted? How was working today? How have your assignments gone? Did you go anywhere, is Erica back yet?

I miss you and there's nothing I can bloody do about it.

I want to text you, but I don't to wake you up.

You must've been working so hard today. Rest now, Love.

I Love You.

The world is sad, grey and beautiful.

2010-05-31T17:34:00.000+10:00

Someone died at Granville today.

She doesn't know the details. What she does know, however, is that as the rain beat gently and silently against the glass, she hears a flurry of mobile phones being retrieved from purses and bags and the adjusting of pockets. Several languages come, and accents too. Voices emerge, defining the personality, status and disposition of each individual. The woman beside her was surprising, her voice said she was a morning person.

She can't understand what most are saying, but she knows exactly what is communicated to the beyond.

I'm running late...

There's been an accident...

There's been some big accident...

Apparently some guy...

No one cares to discover more of what occurred to cause this delay, their main concern is about that nine o'clock appointment beyond all else. She ponders if her mother has been affected, hopes, that within this rain, it wasn't a train crash. She sits. Perhaps the most still, the only one who has no one to call. No one relying on her. No one needing her. No one. She wonders if she can ever learn how to be independent again, but there's a fine line between independence and loneliness. She misses the person she used to be, the perpetual vibrance, the dreams, the friends. Perhaps she took them for granted. She needs them now, perhaps they don't need her. She feels like a leech. Or a parasite.

She opens a page. Legal feminist theory. She reads. She doesn't think about Granville.
37 minutes late. Mostly, she doesn't care. All she can do is damn the rain and damn her shoes for chaffing her hastening feet. Her own fault, she supposes, they were cheap.
She waits in the rain, alone, drowning in a rainbow a sea of umbrellas. She casts a brief thought, not to her health, but to her books. A glance at her dampening bag and she concludes that they'll be safe. The rain is as relentless as the taxi drivers on George street. They're always so eager to maul her at the knees, even when the man says walk.

The sky is grey, like her mood.

She waits again. Another sea of umbrellas. The rain drums.

A hand reaches out, and a shy voice whispers. Somehow she hears it overpowering the insatiable beat of the rain, the spray of cars rushing past and the distant cacophony of honking, beeping and yelling. The machinated rumbles of the city are drowned amidst this quiet offering. She figures, God is smiling at her. She smiles back as she steps under this woman's umbrella. It's a tiny sphere, obviously only fit for one, it's new apparently, but cheap. It'll do, they both think, it'll do. The moment could have been awkward, but somehow there's comfort in knowing that in the non-discriminate onslaught of the rain, strangers can be united in one of the most basic and humanistic way: in the simple quest for shelter.

Perhaps there's sunshine after all.

--------------------------------------------------------------

She sits. She waits. She's here again, her home away from home. It's cleaner than she remembers, but on days like this, such is the norm. The pavement is still decorated with the historic polka dot formations of discarded gum, blackened by time and the shoes of blind people. The metallic seats are still icy and empty, except for the random delinquent truanting from school, the mother with a double stroller and six bags of groceries, or the most unsavoury character she hopes won't steal her earrings because they shine. Her purse and phone are clutched in a vice-like grasp.

The rain continues the beat across the pavement. It's beautiful. The droplets land in waves, arbitrary patterns, ribbons of water against the surface. They dance like a harp player's fingers across the strings, she can almost hear its music, see the notes written in the patterns of precipitation diving to the floor. It's gentle and daring, and soft and vibrant. Orchestral.

A gutter is leaking. Rain splatters constantly downwards. No pin prick landings of light droplets, the chaotic splatter screams of death. She thinks of Granville. It's an incessant and annoying clap. The moist splattering of this broken construction is juvenile and immature. She frowns, it cannot match the sophistication of nature's symphony across the road.

A bus careers past, sending two distinct streaks across the delicate magnum opus. The moment is gone. She realises there's a hideous side to pulchritude, and that beauty comes in waves.

She alights the bus and proceeds uphill and onwards to home. She's trudging through mud and murky water flowing downstream. Exhaustion steals across her limbs, and her bag diggs ever so voraciously into her shoulder.

But she doesn't mind, because on this side, the sky is blue, the colours a bright, and the roses are blooming.

This is the closest thing to crazy...

2009-11-19T23:21:00.002+11:00

...I have ever been.

This apparently amazing girl Loves you, and she's so lucky to have you.

I love eigakans.

I love kuroi corners.

I love chuusurukoto.

Aishiteru.

Kono subarashii hi, arigatou gozaimasu!

<3

Silence is my Sanctuary

2009-11-18T19:47:00.002+11:00

"Yet you feed us lies from the tablecloth"

I'm so fucking pissed off right now, I can't even speak.

I can't even rage at this, it's so ridiculous.

Like you expect me to understand the archaic rules of this house, I shall expect that you will understand how much I don't want to speak to ANY of you right now.

Where the ____

2009-11-12T20:16:00.000+11:00

are you?

I effing miss you.

会いたくて。。。会いたくて。。。会いたくて。。。

2009-11-10T09:32:00.002+11:00

Thanks Channel 9. Thanks. Thanks for taunting. You swallow.

I LOVE John Cusack.

Kore wa ai desuyo.

Daisuki desu!

SHIAWASE!!!!

Kimi ga irunode watashi wa shiawase ni itteiru.

Dakishimetai.

Chuushitai.

Aishiteru.

LOL. Shamwow. Like that's not SUS.

Would you lie with me...

2009-11-05T16:45:00.002+11:00

... and just forget the world?

I love playgrounds.

I love swingsets.

I love GLOMPS.

I love hugs.

I love kisses on the cheek.

And I think I may love you.

Saying something stupid....

2009-11-02T21:34:00.002+11:00

... like 'I love you'.

DEAR GOD.

There's so much I want to say, I'm bursting at the seams with how much I need to express this.

Last night, was just, GUH.

All day today I had to make a conscious effort to deliberately keep myself from smiling.

What he said.

The most touching thing that anyone has ever said to me.

MOU! DAISUKI DAYO. CHUSHITAI!

Freaking hell.

Modern, Dana, Modern History.

Share the Spice of Life.

2009-10-24T20:32:00.002+11:00

OMG.

OMG.

SIGH.

ONE OF THE BEST FKN DAYS OF MY LIFE.

SERIOUSLY.

EVER.

SWOON.

Will elaborate at some point.

Even if the Sky is Falling Down

2009-10-23T18:44:00.003+11:00

“Rather waste some time with you…”

This blog has been delayed and cast aside for a while now. Whether I’ve been attempting to muster the courage in which to finally convey this into writing, or attempting to categorise my thoughts, I don’t know. When something is in writing, there’s a notion of finality to it, no?

It’s been half an hour… and I’ve been staring at this document, wondering what to write or how to begin. What questions do I want to answer?

Well, Green Cruiser, Ted Hughes, whatever we desire to call him. How is he? Wonderful.

The nicest, most wonderful member of the male species, I’ve ever met.

How embarrassing. I am unable to even extrapolate in words. Well, hmm, I suppose it’s simply because he’s funny and sweet, and... I find it easier to describe him when comparing him to V. It simply works that way.

So we get along swimmingly, he’s ridiculously easy to talk to and make jokes with. I am totally and completely one hundred percent myself and life suddenly seems beautiful like this, it isn’t necessary to pretend that I’m the person I aspire to be. At the moment, talking with him, I am the person I am.

With V, I always felt as though I were having a heart attack as we spoke, our conversations never lasted beyond forty minutes and I was never truly myself. I was a polite shell of the person I wished to be, rather, the person I thought he wanted me to be. We were never personal. I always initiated contact or conversation and I felt like our friendship was entirely unilateral and consisted of one person.

With Ted Hughes, conversation flows naturally, I don’t need to pretend to be anything or anyone. I don’t always have to be the initiator, the instigator I’m shocked sometimes because HE WANTS to talk to me! It’s surprising, and sweet.
In a nutshell, V is the cookie cutter template of the person I want to be with. He’s ambitious, straight-forward, handsome and eloquent… and yet, there’s rigidity, a shell to who he is. Ted Hughes on the contrary, is the actual cookie. He’s warm and enriching, delightful and kind. There’s something so fulfilling and exciting about being in his presence.

FML, Dana, you are infatuated. Or falling. Wait, you’ve already fallen, haven’t you? And it’s bleeding obvious.

Yet I feel horrible and irresponsible. It’s the HSC. I DON’T do this. Dana doesn’t do this. I don’t fall for people a few weeks before the biggest exams of my life. It’s ridiculous and irrational and completely irresponsible.

Which is why, of course, I’m not letting anything happen. We have our futures to think about, and I don’t want to jeopardize that at all.

And then there’s the convoluted politics of past relationships and I seriously don’t want to become entangled in that.

Gosh, the HSC, the HSC.

I am both glad and irritated for its presence.

There’s a part of me that is mildly glad that it is here, it’s an excuse to be hesitant.

When the HSC is over, I…

Don’t know what will happen.

I’m apprehensive, excited, but bloody frightened.

I really don’t want to become hopeful. I REALLY don’t want to. I’d rather be his friend and suffer quietly than not have him at all in my life. I don’t want to have to trudge through the dregs of disappointment either. Who knows.

But.

He’s freakin WONDERFUL.

The things he says, the slight and casual touches, abso-fucking-lutely EVERYTHING.

Gosh, someone shoot me in the cheek and call me Tyler Durden.

Even that stupid Japanese chopstick superstition is working in my favour. FOR THE FIRST TIME, EVER.

I don’t know what to do with myself.

But study.

And not hope. And not pray.

Just being thankful that there’s someone I’d rather waste my time with.

I feel like I haven’t done this blog justice. There’s so much more I want to say, but I have no idea where to begin. He’s just, pure, AWE-SUM.

But you already know that.

Until next time –
- Deeh
P.S Will blog the dream. When I get over it. Or have the courage to.

Green Cruiser

2009-10-21T22:50:00.001+11:00

sigh.

FML.

<<3333333333

I have to study religion now.

Dyz, when I'm free, you're getting a massive blog post.

I'll make new "mood" pictures too (like the ones from two years ago).

Dammit. He's wonderful.

Yeah Dyz.

2009-10-12T00:45:00.001+11:00

I'm falling.

Worst timing too.

But that's Murphy's Law, isn't it?

I have Philosophy that beckons.

FML, and yet I feel so elated.

Philosophy.

Letters from Iwo Jima 硫黄島からの手紙

2009-06-06T12:09:00.008+10:00

すげええええ！！！　NINOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD NINO.

I knew he had acting talent, his one of the actors of Arashi but, whoa. I respect him so much more now. He was absolutely brilliant in that film, I can't believe it. Who knew that the snarky, bratty Nino could shine so well in such a bleak film.

'Letters From Iwo Jima/Iwojima kara no Tegami' Review
Japanese: Iwojima kara no Tegami
English Translation: Letters From Iwo Jima
Date: 09/12/06(Japan), 20/12/06(USA), 22/02/07(Australia)
Favourite Aspect: Stunning cinematography, the humanitarian approach/Nino's wonderful acting.
Least Favourite Aspect: Watanabe Ken didn't do much fighting.
Rating: A+! (4.7/5)
As a Whole: I have been wanting to watch this film for ages. It was worth the wait for three years! Nino is a fantastic actor! I love Clint Eastwood's fantastic cinematography which really emphasised the humanitarian aspect, focusing on the individual story of the soldiers on Iwo Jima.

Fangirling aside, I must note that this film takes its time to build to climax. It is a deliberately slow film, but I enjoyed its simplicity. I found myself able to analyse this film as Eastwood portrayed the conflict between fighting for what's right and fighting to stay alive. I found myself crying at the thought of the Japanese soldiers and the remnants of the cultural Bushido war mentality. They fought patriotism and ultimate honour, willing to die for it. It fantastic to also witness not only the Japanese perspective of things, but the sacrifice and inner-conflict between their desire to survive for their family and the Bushido mentality to die a death before dishonour. It was akin to peeling away the masked stereotype of Japanese war-like fanatacism. The acting was excellent especially by Nino and Watanabe Ken. It was incredibly heart-wrenching, especially when they showed mercy. If you want to watch a war-film this is THE war film. It was gut-wrenching, touching and even comical at times.

So moving towards my least favourite aspects. The gore was cool. I liked it. Although I felt that Gen. Kuribayashi's (Watanabe) role was lost amongst the stories of everyone else. Yes his story flourished throughout the film, but I feel like he didn't do much fighting. I don't know, I suppose it's because of The Last Samurai I expected him to be right in the action as opposed to the North of the Island planning strategy, but I loved his practical character anyway. Also despite it was a Japanese perspective, it was quite obvious to perceive the hint of American thought or cultural imperialism pervade the film. For example, those Army commanders who were sympathetic or kind were the ones who had been to America. It portrayed prejudice on both sides. There were hints throughout the film that it was made by an American, but that may be perhaps to demonstrate the underlying humanity of everyone - that in war we are all the same.
Eastwood himself that this film is not about who won or who lost, it is about sacrifices, and the sacrifices of those who came to fight to defend their country and what they believed in. That was most prevalent in the film. I was incredibly touched by that aspect. Overall fantastic, fantastuc film. I'd recommend it for any time, anywhere - just not with children. I'd definitely watch this again many times in te future.

"Smile" スマイルのー話を見た！

2009-04-19T02:13:00.004+10:00

すげえええ～～

Wow.

Initial response. Wow. Let me just say, that I've never cried in the first episode of a drama before - not even for '1 Litre of Tears.' It was Episode 3 before I cried completely. As an immediate birthday present to myself, I watched the first episode of Smile (finally). It was unsubbed however, but with my limited knowledge of the Japanese language (you'd think that after almost 6 years of studying it, I'd be getting somewhere), and google translator, I managed.

This looks very, very promising. =D Very promising. I like it. I like Gakky, I like Jun's role and so far I'm very much appreciative of the pace and story line. This is so far quite intriguing and かわいい! I'm very glad that this drama isn't fearful to directly bring racial prejudice to the surface, especially within primordial systems such as law enforcement and the judicial system. At first I couldn't believe it, I didn't think that they'd be so bold and blatant about it but everytime I heard "Fuiripin Yaro!!" (roughly translated, 'Filipino bastard!') and saw Jun's face, I cringed. I mean, it's my own race getting persecuted here.

My beloved Jun isn't doing doing a bad job (like he could), I'm loving how he's portraying his dastardly situation: with hope, but there's a frailty to his character (as seen in the end where he's crying in HMV), like he's not the invincible Domyouji who dares defy the world, I welcome the change. The only problem I have is his expressions might be too intense? I don't know, maybe I'm just being apathetic and unable to relate to the situation. But there's more light and shade in his acting :) I also love Gakky! How cute is she! "The pig will make your wishes an dreams come true," めちゃめちゃかわいいじゃん！I did love the end though, I was waiting for the customary MatsuJun scream. "YAMERO!!!"

Classic.

Also, Oguri Shun - I might take back what I said about typecasting earlier. However, I hope he doesn't turn out to be like Yamapi, who although doesn't typecast, as in play the same type of character, he plays different characters the same way. :/ Interesting look for Oguri Shun though (not the long black hair) but the short carrot top with the earring. About the soundtrack, and my earlier comments. Hmm, I'm quite torn with the sountrack. The theme is sweet, yes, and I am compelled to like it (especially with all those babies in the background of the opening credits), but hmm, that Shiina Ringo's voice is a bit too...I don't want to say annoying, but I'm not accustomed to the style. But it fits, so I'll leave it at that.

Random points of interest...a) Marlon Brando, I didn't understand the conversation in whole, so hearing Marlon Brando pop up was rather random b) "Blue" being played in HMV. LOL That song came out when I was seven years old, natsukashii ne. Also, I'm loving the fact that Bito's dream is to open a restaurant that serves international cuisine - a point to note that he wishes to celebrate his biracial origins in his own way, that can be approved and accepted in such a xenophobic society.

I am really looking forward to the next episode of this drama!

Here's the link to watch it yo! (without subs, sorry)
http://smilejdrama.blogspot.com

Smile (2nd Post)

2009-04-18T20:59:00.005+10:00

Isn't he gorgeous?

I still haven't seen this episode yet, as I am intending to wait until my internet broadband switches to offpeak time(incidentally at 12am - My birthday! Yay!) I forgot to initially explain the premise of "Smile," simply ranting on about how I was enough of an idiot to completely miss it.

When "Smile" was announced I was superfluously excited. Allow me to initially declare that I am one of those rabid Arashi/Matsumoto Jun Fangirls. I acknowledge that, and yet I wish to establish a delineation between myself and the teeny-boppers out there. I CAN make a less biased judgement (my judgement will be biased, I warn you), and I CAN acknowledge acting talent and that Arashi is not the centre of everything. That being said, on to "Smile."

"Smile" is a new drama that is airing this Spring (for Japan) on TBS, about a half-Filipino man named Bito (Matsumoto Jun) whose father is a deceased Filipino and whose Japanese mother disappeared. It also stars Aragaki Yuki who will play his counterpart who unfortunately, is mute due to an accident. The story follows that the two meet and together face the challenges of societal prejudices and constructs. The man handling the script is Takayuki Takuma who handled Hana Yori Dango - so it should be good, ne?

I have heard, and I have seen many Filipina fans raging over this, hoping to see Filipino culture somehow permeate this drama but - as a Filipina myself - I highly doubted it. Bito's biraciality (is that a word? Who cares, it is now) was a premise to tackle the underlying xenophobia that exists in Japan. I really admired this aspect of the Drama's premise - the bold grappling of racial issues. I am also overjoyed that Matsumoto Jun stepped out of his "pretty" or "kakkoii" roles (as much as we love them ladies ;P) and committed to a script that has a greater purpose applicable to Japan's society. I'm glad he's not typecasting himself like with Oguri Shun (who I do like, but don't you suppose Hanazawa Rui and his character in Hana Kimi are practically the same?) Living Australia a country founded on multiculturalism, it's difficult to believe that such dramas are very significant but I think it's quite quintessential in Japan and I'm glad that the renowned 'Elite' MatsuJun is prepared to take it on.

AND TO CLEAR THE AIR: YES. He's dark.(Seriously that boy has wonderful light skin.) AND YES, all Filos aren't THAT dark (I know, I'm lighter than him). But he's in character and his appearance isn't the issue here. That being said, I'm glad about his hair, although the モジャモジャ puff didn't quite suit him, it was growing on me. He's dark because he's playing a Filo - be glad ladies.

About Arashi not covering the Drama theme/soundtrack (instead their doing Sho's 'Quiz Show') . Needless to say, when I first heard the news - I was disappointed, extremely disappointed. However in hindsight, I can concede and see how it was a wise decision. As much as I am deliriously in love with Arashi, the closest thing they have to a solemn ballad might be a song like... I dunno, "Sirius" which was quite power-ballady in itself. Don't you think Arashi's music has an overwhelming multitude of layers? Their layered pop tunes might be a bit overpowering for a solemn drama which needs something simple like Utada Hikaru or Yui. I haven't heard the actual theme song yet, (the woman's name escapes me) [Shiina Ringo! That's it!] I'll be sure to listen to it. Despite what I've said, I must admit that I was hoping that this would be Arashi's chance to spring out a SOLEMN ballad. Ah, well.

About Aragaki Yuki - Ah, I first saw her with Miura Haruma in Koizora so they'll be my OTP(As with MaotsuJun, I'll always love them together the most), but this girl is undeniably cute! Her and Matsumoto Jun look quite good together with sastisfactory chemistry :) I haven't seen enough of her work, so I'll refrain from any judgement :D I'm really looking forward to this.

Power to ya, Ma~chan. :)

SMILE

2009-04-18T02:45:00.003+10:00

ヤバイ！Oh no I'm such a BAKA!!! あほうだ！！！私はバカ！！

忘れちゃった！信じられない！I completely forgot! I cannot believe this.... epic fail. Goodness, I'm here bored out of my mind - doing GOD KNOWS WHAT AND I MISS "SMILE" Jun's new drama where he's half Filipino! I've been counting down the days until this new drama and what the hell do I do? I miss it because I'm sitting here doing whatever the hell it is I'm doing! As a Filipino and major Jun fan, I am ashamed of myself. When I finally did remember, I ran to my room and turned on my computer screaming. My brother thought I was posessed by something. OKay, so I catch like the last 5-10 minutes of it and it looks soooooo sweeeet and I can see the racial aspect quite clearly. BUT STILL. STILL. My KeyHole TV was being a major fail and lagged epically. Unbelieveable! ありえないの！

I WILL watch this someday!

Omg. Two days and I'm seventeen. じつは, to tell you the truth, technically I'm 17 tomorrow.

I still have to blog about, Koizora and Maou and all these other things I have watched... I'm getting there, I'm getting there. There is one thing I am excited about however ARASHI AROUND ASIA 2008 TOKYO DVD!!!!!!! ORDERED IT ONLINE FINALLY!! Best brithday present! Coming April 30 (approximately, according to yesasia)! I swear, my mum frowns on me for my Arashi fangirl-ism, but I sincerely don't care. Arashi are so blindingly awesome, they deserve our love and support :)

'Myu no Anyo Papa ni Ageru' - Review

2009-04-10T20:39:00.009+10:00

Myu no Anyo Papa ni Ageru Review
Japanese: みゅうの足パパにあげる or Myu no Anyo Papa ni Ageru
Translation: Myu Will Give Daddy Her Legs
Date: 30/08/08 (Jun's 25th Birthday! How fitting!)
Favourite Aspect: The sweetness of the film and a new endeavour in Jun's acting
Least Favourite Aspect: Another debilitating disease, and I felt it was so short!
Rating: B -(3.5/5)
As a Whole: I stumbled upon this by accident as a fellow Jun fan had mentioned it over a YouTube comment, so of course as a loyal Jun fan I tracked it down immediately. This drama reminded me much of 1 Litre of Tears as Matsumoto Jun plays 25 year old Yamaguchi Hayato, father of a young family who contracts a debilitating disease, eventually losing all strength and mobility of his muscles. Although really cliche in the debilitating disease aspect, I liked this film as never before had I seen Jun play such a role. As the ever active Domyouji Tsukasa from Hana Yori Dango, I never expected him to be so bedridden and yet still remain so sweet. At first I was apprehensive as I couldn't imagine him so young and yet a father but he has excellent chemistry with his 'daughter' (major KYA FANGIRL MOMENT) proven in like the first five seconds of the movie. This time he was teamed with 'Karina' as his wife (who although didn't have as much chemistry going as my OTP Maotsujun) yet since they are talented actors they still pulled it off nicely. I actually preferred Karina to her role in Koizora (will discuss later), that tough girl image suited her MUCH better. This film isn't excessively dramatic, which is what I loved about it, it was sweet and although dealt with a painful subject, it did so with a very hopeful tone and the great Japanese firm 'never give up' attitude. Although the ending was really lovely, on a whole, there was something about this film that didn't quite have IT for me. Maybe I'm not used to MatsuJun like this or maybe there was something nauseating about it, however, I'd still reccommend this film for a rainy or sunny Friday or Saturday afternoon.

'Yellow Tears' Review

2009-04-10T20:19:00.005+10:00

Yellow Tears Review
Japanese: 黄色い涙 or Kiiroi Namida
Translation: Yellow Tears
Date: 14/04/07
Favourite Aspect: It's overall, message, storyline and left-of-field pure Japanese centric film production
Least Favourite Aspect: The absence of Matsumoto Jun
Rating: B (3.7/5)
As a Whole: I was actually intending to watch PINKANCHI and PINKACHI DOUBLE instead of this film, but as they weren't available online, I happened to stumble across this instead. This film is so beyond Arashi's usual professional yet happy-go-lucky flavour. From the original manga by Shinji Nagashima and directed by Isshin Inudou this film, by those who are unaccustomed with the mellow side of Japanese cinema (think Isao Akiyuki Nosata's 'Graveyard of Fireflies'), may seem a tad boring, but it provides a highly realistic perception of life and much food for thought. It was a very relaxing movie, one about what happens when you attempt to achieve your dreams and afterwards. It's not like an Arashi SONG where your dreams are being fulfilled, instead this film has quite a raw and realistic flavour. As this movie was produced by J-Storm, you would think it would be all about pimping Arashi and the plotline would be something musically based (like Mariah Carey's shocking Glitter, or whatever that film was), but I really liked this film, it was very real, and harsh but gentle. I never underestimated this film as although Arashi is like the ultimate Asian boyband, they are all certified actors especially Jun and Nino. What I disliked actually is why Matsumoto Jun, one of the biggest and most decorated actors of the group was largely absent in the film. Although, yes, I may be biased as he is my favourite, he was not even a main character - which was needless to say, disappointing. But a great movie overall and one that I would reccommend.

Korean Movie Review: 200 Pounds Beauty

2009-04-10T20:01:00.004+10:00

200 Pounds Beauty
Korean: 미녀는 괴로워 or Minyeo-neun goerowo
Translation: 'Being beautiful is Agonising'
Date: 14/12/06
Favourite Aspect: The gorgeous Kim Ah-jung and her incredible singing
Least Favourite Aspect: Too many cliches
Rating: B- / 3.5/5
As a Whole: This film was adapted from the Japanese Manga 'Kanna-san, Daiseikou desu' Suzuki Yumiko, and had such a wonderful premise which attracted me to it initially. Usually I do not indulge in Korean films or dramas but the plotline just seemed so hilarious. I loved the gorgeous Kim Ah-jung she was incredible, and her singing was brilliant. The storyline however threatened to drag the longer the movie progressed, and I found myself unable to laugh at the little bursts of humour the director attempted to interject throughout. I think the movie would have actually been rather funny without the director attempting to permeate the movie with little bouts of humour as the premise of the plot itself was interesting and funny enough without. In any case, it was an enjoyable movie. Some things I didn't quite understand, like how her love suddenly realises that she is Kang Hanna, but in any other case, an enjoyable film to watch when you have nothing to do.

My word I love you Jun

2009-03-22T15:55:00.002+11:00

Seriously, I'm studying whilst simultaneously listening to Jun's radio show and what do I hear? WHAT DO I HEAR as I write down Nazi Policy on women in the workforce? Neyo's Closer being played on Japanese radio - Jun's radio show. Gah I love him.

Economic Crisis.

2009-01-22T18:27:00.005+11:00

No shit we're in an economic crisis.

This is so fucked.

I WAS going to discuss the movie (omg it's so good), I WAS intending to discuss Obama's inauguration and Michelle Obama's impeccable style - but now, now I'm going to discuss current affairs and universal human theory.

That sounds pretty farfetched and bizarre but now I've finally come to terms with what it means to be in an economic crisis. The ripple effect of America is truly, truly... well, just, shit.

America sneezes and the whole world catches a cold. Well, when you're middle class, it's the FUCKING Ebola virus.

Today was a bittersweet day, my friends came over and we burned our notes and hung out. It was mellow and relaxing and it was excellent to see them once again, once more before the commencement of school. That was the sweetness, the bitterness is the knowledge of what is happening in the world around us. Across the news we have been bombarded with layoffs and people losing their jobs, getting fired, becoming unemployed. Rudd seems quite aloof, but hey, he's high and mighty, he's UP THERE, not down HERE. To be honest, I watched the news with a crease of concern wrinkling my brow with enough compassion to consider those who were now unemployed, but not enough consideration or grasp of reality to ever even entertain the thought that such ripples could effect my family and I.

Remove your head from the clouds of ignorance Dana and take a look at the world around you. They don't call it the worst crisis since the Great Depression for nothing. I haven't studied economics, so I couldn't wholly understand the mechanics of the situation last year, neither could I fully appreciate it. Hell, I do NOW.

Kono aida, (the other day) my dad was laid off. I was surprised, but my dad was laid off last year and we survived it. My dad was out of a job for a couple of weeks and we survived. He found a new occupation and we were once again fine. It was alright because my mum, in any case, was occupied with the higher paying, more substantial and financially secure job. I never thought this would happen.

She was laid off today too.

It's a bizarre feeling, precariousness and insecurity, not knowing the future - whether we'll sink, float or spend the next few years treading water. I'm quite nervous, I don't know what we'll do or what happen - but it's okay. As long as we're together we'll be fine. All we need is each other. We are what is important.

My mum cried, but at the moment my parents are both optimistic and cheerful. It makes me wonder what tumultuous troubles they shelter behind their smiles. In our precarious situation, I have no idea as to what we'll do. Both my parents don't have a job. Of course it bothers me, I'm almost furious but I don't want to blame anybody. I wouldn't know who to blame anyway, besides, blaming doesn't do anything or fix anything aside from granting us the dark satisfaction that finally we can extrapolate our hate and direct it at someone.

But it's of no use.

I don't know what will happen, but as Domyouji says, "It's ok to look forward."

Obama. Congratulations. NOW FIX THIS.

Hanadan Movie Final

2009-01-15T14:18:00.007+11:00

This will take a lot of time and energy to blog, of which I do not have right now.

It was beyond awesome

It was epic

I shall explain more later
------------------------------------------
Below is the Fangirl Spasm of a review, if wish for an energy charged, review full of swearing, never-ending praising and genuine fangirl squeals, please - kochirae dozo, be my guest and read it. However, I decided to post my rational, review first after three months of having viewed it I am now in a rational state of mind and will also do so for other Dramas and films I have watched.

Hana Yori Dango Final Film Review
Japanese: Hana Yori Dango Fainaru
Date: 28/6/08
Favourite Aspect: It's overall message about marriage, the radiating chemistry between Inoue Mao and Matsumoto Jun (my favourite couple) and the perfect ending to my favourite drama ever.
Least Favourite Aspect: Why wasn't Tsukasa's sister present? And the director should have just went and added the deleted "cute" scenes. They were awesome and made one squeal.
Rating: A (4.5) (minus the point five because the plot cannot compare to the drama)
As a Whole: This was a fantastic film and ending to the series. The actors were excellent and Inoue Mao's and Matsumoto Jun's chemistry really uplifts the overall film as it has done throughout the whole series. Unlike many final movies this really lives up to its name, utilising all aspects of the Japanese Film Industry to produce this crazy, funny and wholsome movie. It would be very much well worth your while to watch it, despite the fact that the plot was a little weak but I liked how it stressed the importance of the trials of marriage and it truly cemented Tsukasa's and Makino's relationship. I reccomend this to everyone.

--------------------------------------------------------
EDIT:

Funnily Enough, it's three months later and I'm still in love with this film. Here's my fan review. However, I will commit to a real review as well. One which doesn't include swearing, fangirl spasms and spoilers.

Hana Yori Dango Final

Firstly, I’d like to say that it has been quite difficult for me to be able to rate this movie, and thus I’ll be a total cop out and not rate it at all. Don’t get me wrong, I simply LOVED this film. It was so beautiful and brilliant and utilised the full extent of the Japanese film prowess, but that’s because I’m a biased Hana Yori Dango, Maotsujun Matsujun fangirl. Initially, I was desperate to acquire this film, merge the subs, and even though the timing for the subs for the second half of the movie was 3 seconds off (thus resulting in mega confusion) I didn’t mind because, hey, I loved the movie and I could understand half of it anyway.

Allow me to deal with the things I think they could have accomplished better (criticisms, I wish to say but it’s such a harsh word), before I gush on about what I simply loved about this movie (almost everything). Okay, let’s start with the plot line. The plot line was quite weak. As an ending to the drama and a final obstacle for Makino and Domyouji, it’s a wonderful movie, but as a film by itself, but the plot would not be supported for anyone who had not previously watched the series (buton second thought, who would watch the movie without watching the series?). One could expect it in a way... but I mean, it was cliché, right? Second thing, Rui as a priest. Don’t get me wrong, I know that many people squealed “kyaa~~!” right? I really do appreciate the sentiment and I do fully appreciate the gravity of what he had done, but, something was a little off for me for Rui to be a priest – oh and MIZUNO SENSEI! From 1 Litre of Tears! I didn’t want him to be the bad guy! Why did Makino go out with him? Dame! Dame! Dame! But that’s about it for the various things I disliked. Oh and not that this is very important but, why couldn’t it have been saucier! Okay, I understand, Asian film industry –but still! You have two gorgeous people, two gorgeous twenty-somethings who are about to be married on a deserted island stuck together. For a month. You’d expect a little somethin’ somethin’ to be going on! Heck, I would have welcomed that. Oh and why wasn’t Tsukasa’s sister there!

Onto to what I loved. Okay. I loved how they were totally still in character and I loved how Domyouji was completely unwavering in his love, and that this encompassed and international scale, because at least I was able to relate and say, “Hey! I’ve been there!” (in terms of Vegas). Also, Makino’s wardrobe improved! (Not that I had any trouble with it before but hey, I loved it). It was such a funny, entertaining and dramatic movie! Hmm, oh I like how they appreciated Makino’s dream to become a lawyer and the two families finally working together, especially the sudden fame the Makino family received ;) Okay, let’s separate this:

1) The stunts. The stunts. Matsumoto Jun – I LOVE YOU for doing your own stunts! They were awesome! The fight scene was realistic and imaginative and creative and HE JUMPED FROM ONE ESCALATOR TO ANOTHER in style, sexiness and a funny yellow T-shirt! The stunts were awesome.

2) The F4 Airplane. That airplane was so fucking cool.

3) The renewed humour. OMG. The humour was back! Literally, I could not stop laughing, I laughed so boisterously and so breathlessly when I saw that our cute little Matsu-chan was covering up his erection! At first I was thinking “What the hell is he doing?” Then all of a sudden it clicked and I burst out laughing! Almost woke up the whole house! I can’t believe he had one!! He was so cute/funny!

4) MATSUMOTO JUN SWEARING IN PERFECT ENGLISH. It was both funny, impressive and shocking. Shocking I tell you, but nevertheless incredibly impressive. “Hey! are you crazy? What the fuck are you doing!?” Me: O_O to OoO to o(>____<)o
I loved it, it was so funny! And then the “see you guy” and everything, oh my god, gosh and his fashion! I mean those pants! And the sunnies! AND THAT ADORABLE CAR THEY WERE DRIVING! His English was actually very good. I could actually tell what he was saying without having to read the subs!

5) Okay, Makino PUNCHED A FUCKING BEAR. I burst out laughing! So did Dyanne! So did everyone in the room. ARIENAITSUNO! It was epic. That shit was epic. It was wonderful. I loved it. Go power to the woman who punches a bear.

6) THE KISS AT THE END. OH MY GOD. I LOVED IT. THE KISS AT THE END WAS BEAUTIFUL. I loved how he just grabbed her and wham! And they were both into it, and his hand holding her close and, and that was a good kiss for Asian Cinema! And then how they separated and then touched each other’s foreheads with Matsujun smiling so wide and her smiling so bashfully. KYA!!!! And then, and then how he picked her up with the cherry blossoms everywhere and then she leaned down and kissed him again! They both look so happy and blissful and I LOVE IT!!! O(>_<)O Has anyone seen the behind the scene bit where he kisses her and nuzzles her neck and she’s laughing and she’s loving it! *flail*!

Sorry, but I LOVED That scene.

7) Akira. Oh my gosh. Way to go for redeeming the entire HK Mafia. Unbelievable but CHO KAKKOII!!

8) THE END WHERE SHE WAS PREGNANT AND SHE TOLD HIM! HE LOOKED SO HAPPY! AND WHERE THEY DID IT TOO! AT THE BEACH AND HE LOOKS SO HAPPY AND I LOVED HOW HE SCREAMED: “WE MADE IT! WE MADE IT! WE MADE IT!” It was so touching, like everything they had worked and strived for had finally paid off. Lovely ending with his solo going on in the background.

9) Oh and that whole sequence where they finally reconcile! MATSUJUN SHAVING WITH A CREDIT CARD! I really liked that bit about the dreams where what’s his name? Kaburagi was trying to get her to break up with him by telling her about his own experiences and how he had no dreams including his fiancé and she had no dreams of him, and so Makino decides that the deciding factor of whether the marriage will work or not is asking Domyouji what his dream is. If she is included then, she knows it will work and they’ll be happy, if it doesn’t then she knows to end it. BUT! BUT! BUT! When she asks him he’s there swimming topless....... *FLAIL, MELT FLAIL*

“Which reminds me...What’s your dream?”

“Hm?”

“Your dream, what is it?”

*He’s standing there topless, half in the water dripping wet and staring at her with utter conviction and at this point I think he’s going to say something about the company about expanding the Domyouji Corporation (seriously, but no! Kya!)*

*Domyouji stays silent, staring and points directly at her**the conviction, the utter conviction! Flail!*

“It already came true”

“Eh?”

“I love you”

Then the look on her face is so touching like how could she have doubted at all his love, that this could work out. The look on her face is like, I’m so touched, no matter what the future will bring, I know for sure we’ll get through it together.
Then OMG HE WALKS OU OF THE WATER TO HER *ONCE AGAIN, THE CONVICTION* AND PLACES HIS ARM AROUND HER AND THEN-

“MOU ZETTAI HANASENAI”

FLLLAAAAIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL KYAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

*Cue crescendo in music*
And Dana is crying.
You would totally expect a sex scene. But no. Sigh. But of course in the end, her dream was to have a family with him. She’s pregnant so, well, you know what that means, right?? *wiggling eyebrows*

Then the cute scene, where they run and play and gah, I love it. The director’s cut also included many more cute scenes.

Overall, this was a great end to the drama, it finished it off perfectly. What I really liked about this movie is that it stressed that Marriage is also another battle, it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows and that Makino and Domyouji experienced the ultimate trials of marriage and were still able to overcome and conquer. I loved how they realised the importance of marriage and what it means, that it’s not just a happily ever after if you don’t work at it.

Good message overall.

=)

16 Hours WELL SPENT.

2009-01-15T12:43:00.005+11:00

Matsumoto Jun you are a sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy bitch.

I'm sorry to say this. But you are.

Roflamo, if anyone who knows me saw me say that, their whole image of me would be completely ruined. But you know, I am never one to shy away from pure and unadulterated fact.

You are even more of a sexy biznatch when you're rich, in new york, speaking english and totally and completely, one hundred percent passionately in love.

I have just spent the last day and a half watching the second season of Hana Yori Dango and the Hana Yori Dango Movie Final.

This shit is epic. This is HUGE. This is, the official love of my life. I love this series to death. I cannot ennumerate to you how much I am loving this series right now, I am obsessed with it. I cannot help myself. I love it. I would die with this thing, put it in my coffin, will you? Okay, I'll divide this into two posts since, as I said, this shit is EPIC. First, series two.

First reaction: WHOA.

JUST. WHOA.

SERIES TWO. WOW.

The first series was so funny, it was hilarious! This one isn't as funny but hell, it's more gut-wrenchingly heartbreaking, it REDEFINES ANGST. It begins from when Domyouji left for New York to discover who he was, to be "The Almighty Domyouji Tsukasa, heir to the Domyouji Financial Group." He has lost contact with Makino and the F4, so she decides to go to New York and see him.

ROFLMAO. They reunite at a hotdog stand OMG HE IS WAAAAAAAAYYYY HOTTER than before. Holy shit, New York did that boy some GOOOOD. In any case, he was there wearing these Tom Cruise Top Gun sunglasses and I was like D: *drool* and it was awkward and gosh, I was just so.... waaahhh....Okay to sum it all up, how I was feeling was so conflicted.

I sort of understood where he was coming from (it is HIGHLY ambiguous at this point) however, even though I was such a Domyouji/Makino fan, I felt like saying to Makino: Leave him! He's being a jackass! Go with Rui, the kind guy who loves you. (But of course, she doesn't need a kind guy who loves her, she needs Domyouji Tsukasa)Of course, I didn't really want her to be with Rui, I just wanted her to do SOMETHING that would make Tsukasa jealous, realise his feelings and then rush back to Japan to fall madly in love with her AGAIN. GAH. They're so stubborn those two! But then I started crying when Tsukasa's sister saved her from these evil guys (pathetic runts) then she ran after her car confessing that no matter how hard she's tried to forget him, no matter what she tries, everytime she really thinks she can get over him she feels awful because she's lying to her heart and she's betraying him and in her words: "I really...really...really...really...really...love him. I love him!" And she's crying and I'M Crying and faaahh.

Okay. whoosh. back to reality.

THEN. Tsukasa's MOTHER THAT EVIL WITCH (Back then, she was) goes and engages Tsukasa to Shigeru in front of her! GAAAAHH. And Shigeru is pretty annoying, very optimistic cheerful and vivacious, sort of like Makino at first - so YOU CAN'T HATE HER. DESPITE THE FACT THAT SHE DOES EVERYTHING TO STEAL TSUKASA AWAY. THEN RUI COMES ALONG AND KISSES MAKINO CONFESSING THAT HE HAS *SERIOUS* FEELINGS FOR MAKINO. THEN OMG NOOOOOO!!!!

What's worse is that if Tsukasa doesn't marry Shigeru then their companies won't merge and the Domyouji Group - richest greatest corporation in Japan - will be bankrupt and so will the Japanese economy and Domyouji knows this. That lives will be at stake that people's livelihoods and families will be affected so he forces himself to try to like Shugeru but he can't because he's still terribly in love with Makino and ...andd....and... this is a terribly long sentence. And you can't hate Rui because. Well, he's RUI.

In the end, Makino and Domyouji know that they love each other but are still too afraid to admit it because of all other factors involved. Then Domyouji discovers Rui's feelings and Rui is his best friend, and he's conflicted and he doesn't know what to do because Rui screams at him about how he's being such an indecisive jackass with his life and he gets angry because all those words are true and poor Domyouji needs to release all this pressure and stress and pent up angst so what does he do? He does what Domyouji Tsukasa does:

He beats the shit out of everybody and completely destroys the ENTIRE HALL.

Now Makino's wondering if she should give up Domyouji for Rui because it's easier and would hurt less people to be with him. THAT'S NOT A FUCKING REASON! I DONT CARE ABOUT SHIGERU OR THE ECONOMY! I DONT CARE.

In any case, Makino catches Shigeru fully trying to have sex with Tsukasa and she runs away *he's oblivious to all* and Shigeru tells her that they had sex although he pushed her off. But its good she doesn't believe it. Then Domyouji FINALLY BECOMES A MAN AND BREAKS UP WITH SHIGERU AND INTENDS TO DO SO BUT STILL KEEP THE MERGER IN TACT. HOWEVER, SHIGERU, WHO FINALLY REALISES DOMYOUJI'S HAPPINESS BREAKS OFF THE WEDDING AND TELLS HER PARENTS TO STILL GO ON WITH THE MERGER. SHE'S A LYING MOTHERFUCKING DUPLICITOUS BITCH.... BUT BY GOD YOU HAVE TO LOVE HER FOR HER NOBILITY. Thanks for being such a great sport. THE CHANGE IN DOMYOUJI IS UNBELIEVABLE!

AENAITSUNO!

ANYWAY. THEN HE GOES TO RUI'S HOUSE AND IN ORDER TO SAVE THEIR FRIENDSHIP GOES DOWN ON HIS FREAKING HANDS AND KNEES AND BEGS. BEGS. HE THE ALMIGHTY DOMOYOUJI TSUKASA WHO HAS NEVER APOLOGISED (well once, to Makino) IN HIS LIFE, THE PROUDEST MOST ARROGANT MAN ON EARTH IS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES BEGGING FOR RUI TO GIVE UP ON MAKINO. MY GOD DOMYOUJI LOVES HER.

So now with Rui and Shigeru out of the way, they can be together. WRONG! The merger with Shigeru's family fails and the Domyouji group is going down the drain and because Domyouji chose to be with Makino his mum disowns him and cuts off all his money, so now he's poor BUT HE DOESN'T CARE. THIS SPPOILED RICH BRAT GAVE UP EVERYTHING, HIS LIFESTYLE, HIS LIFE FOR THE ONE HE LOVES. HE DOESNT CARE ABOUT BEING POOR, HE JUST KNOWS WITH ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY THAT THEY'RE MEANT TO BE AND SHOULD SPEND THEIR LIVES TOGETHER.

IN ANY CASE. He says this to her, but DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID! THEY GO ON ONE DATE, RIGHT BUT THEN SHE BREAKS UP WITH HIM. MAKINO! I DID NOT GO THROUGH ALL THAT HEARTACHE AND CRYING FOR YOU TO GIVE UP ON HIM NOW, YOU BITCH! But seriously, you totally see where she's coming from. Because he's with Makino, Japan's entire economy is down the drain, their company is going bankrupt and thousands of lives are affected. So she ends it to end the suffering. So now THEY'RE SUFERING.

A-FREAKING-GAIN.

Now she's dirt poor and living in a fishing village where she meets this company owner who invented this great computer thing. She convinces him not to commit suicide and rebuild his company and they become great friends. Then Tsukasa comes to claim Makino back syaing: (omg)

"I'm not Domyouji Tsukasa anymore, I was disowned and now have nothing. I'm just a guy here to see the woman he's in love with."

Then what do those bloody villagers do! THEY FUCKING ACCIDENTALLY PUSH HIM OFF A CLIFF CAUSING HIM TO HIT HIS HEAD, HAVE MEMORY LOSS AND NOW HE CAN'T REMEMBER MAKINO AT ALL. THANKS GUYS. IDIOTS..

Anyway so at the hospital this Nurse bitch pretends to be Makino because he starts to get his memories back about the girl he was in love with and that nurse bitch pretends but he knows deep down inside because the domyouji/makino bond is "meant to be" ANYWAY. SO LIVE/DEATH SITUATION OCCURS AND HE EXPERIENCE DEJAVU AND HE REMEMBERS WHO SHE IS!!! YAY!!!

LAST EP. THIS WAS. ANYWAY.

THE PROPOSAL. OMG.

He proposes at the prom of after her graduation.

ONLY.

She rocks up late and its over and it's dark. wait here:

: dana. de3h - anata mo watashi mo POCKY! says:
After their graduation ceremony is the "prom" but due to car trouble she came late and the prom was already over. She steps into the hall and it's all dark except for one spotlight on him. he's like "You're late! Why aren't you wearing the dress I bought you?" and they talk a bit in the dark, then he asks he proposes! He holds out his hand and she takes it then all of a sudden the lights come on
.: dana. de3h - anata mo watashi mo POCKY! says:
and the auditorium is actually full and those shiny confetti stuff starts raining down on them and everyone is cheering and mexican waving and he sweeps her up off her feet and carries her and everyone they know is there to congratulate them and then they start to dance, because he's always wanted to dance with her at prom....

NOW OMG

THAT WAS SO GOOD, I HAVE BEEN ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER RIDE.

14 HOURS OF GOODNESS.

10 HOURS OF CRYING. OMG IT WAS SO GOOD. BETTER THAN GOOD

RESPLENDENT

WONDERFUL

SUPERFLUOUS

BEYOND THIS WORLD

I LOVE THEM

omg i forgot to mention that Domyouji's mum finally accepts Makino because she saved the company and got them on top again because the computer guy she convinced not to commit suicide actually had a breakthrough invention that the domyouji group invested in and he chose to work with the domyouji group because of Makino so she saved everything and everyone and everything is all good. GO WOMAN POWER!

MatsuJun Hyperventilation

2009-01-10T13:49:00.004+11:00

Domyouji Tsukasa and CUTENESS. These two vids are of MatsuJun having to act out skits/scenarios that people give him.

I'm acting like a fangirl.

I am not 14 any more, seriously!

But I cannot escape this:

Fuck man.

If he said that to me.

Died.

When he said "Oide" that was the cutest thing.

But gaaah, this next video. It makes me want to defenestrate my feminist ideals, and go out with a Domyouji Tsukasa, irritated, wild, white-shirt-wearing guy. Oh my word. I don't know why I find this supremely sexy but damn I wish I were that girl.

The situation in the video is, is that the woman's ideal man is this guy who is "irritated, wild and wears a white shirt" with the top three buttons undone. Mastumoto Jun has to act it out. Of course he could do it. He was Domyouji Tsukasa for heaven's sake!

But man.... faaahh.....

DIE.

That is the sexiest "Why?" I have ever heard.

If he asked me like that hell, I'd give him my bank details.

Vampiristic Tendencies.

2009-01-09T15:23:00.004+11:00

Bite my neck and call me Nosterafu.

I am leeching, gasping, parasitically seeping the life out of my internet download limit in order to feed this growing child that I like to call "Rekindles Asian Sensation." Damn Hana Yori Dango, why did I even want to watch it in the first place?

I was on Youtube for like three hours today giving birth to my Arashi fandom. I have officially been converted to Arashi, Jenny, your band has won me over. They are adorable. I most especially can't get over all their personalities. I also found a few Hana Yori Dango vids on their but I haven't watched them because of course, they have spoilers. It appears that my source was unable to meet me again today and thus I am left unsatisfied, disappointed and not to mention, crazy obsessed. I feel like a junkie on withdrawal symptoms. Not good.

There's an adorable vid, just one of those slideshow ones, with Domyouji and Makino and heck I felt like bawling my eyes out. I'm not usually this emotional to pictures lol. But they have such a chemistry and work so well as a couple, kudos to the actors man. Gaaaahh.

But Arashi is just too adorable. Hmm, let me find an example. Oh I found this video of them with Ito Yuna, and of course, Ito Yuna was born in Hawaii and grew up in LA so she started teaching them Hawaiian Dance! It was so cute. "One, two, one two, uwehe"

Ito Yuna is gorgeous, and has a gorgeous singing voice. I love her. I would turn gay for her.

On other notes, lol I feel like doing one of those "51 things" Videos, for the sake of doing one, seriously, I reckon that it would be fun! First I need to find 51 things. I'd love to do one! :)

I'd better hop to it now, many things to accomplish! :D

Hana Yori Dango (Boys over Flowers)

2009-01-08T01:11:00.007+11:00

EDIT:

Below is the rational, overall review, below that is the fangirl one.

Hana Yori Dango (Boys Over Flowers)
Air Date: 2005
Favourite Aspects: This is my favourite drama ever. I loved everything, the chemistry, the tension, the pace, the actors, brilliant. Also, Domyouji's transformation.
Least Favourite Aspects: Nothing much, actually.
Rating: A+ (5/5)
Overall Review: This is my favourite drama in the world. It's crazy, whacky and draws you in. The drama has a wonderful compelling quality that makes you want to do nothing but sit and watch as well as sigh and cry at the same time. Matsumoto Jun and Inoue have the best on screen chemistry I have ever seen, and Oguri Shun is an excellent Rui character who carries the right amount of ambiguity and mysteriousness. The change that progresses within Matsumoto Jun's character is gradual and believeable, which simply displays his remarkable acting talent and being able to accomplish such a change so smoothly. The last episode especially was beautiful, it wasn't cheesy, it was perfect. One of the best and most fitting love confessions for both their characters. Excellent.

-------------------------------------------------

There’s just something about Asian Dramas that always seems to get me. They’re completely different from Western Dramas. They lack the flair of the Hollywood signature bubble as well as our complications and idiosyncrasies and yet still manage to encapsulate the universality of the human condition. In my opinion, it is quite a good thing that they don’t encompass the “Hollywood” feel, which is why I love them. Asian Dramas are not afraid to be cheesy. Sometimes we need cheesy. Deep down we love cheesy. We revel in it. If we released our inhibitions, we would be living in houses made of macaroni and cheese because we love cheesiness.

One of the best (and major cheesy) Japanese Dramas around is 2005’s Hana Yori Dango (Boys over Flowers) meaning, boys are more important than flowers. This is the live-action drama version of the anime and manga originally written by Kamio Yoko. This series throws cliché at you but damn, those clichés are difficult to recognise – and thus we love them. A friend of mine is a rabid Matsumoto Jun (Domyouji Tsukasa) fan and thus of course she has watched this, along with perhaps everyone else. For three years I’ve been begged, bugged, pushed and prodded to watch this series and all the while I refused. Why? For the simple reason that I do not possess the internet download limit to support an entire series, as well as the fact that watching Dramas consumes a lot of time. But boy, I had totally forgotten that they are so worth it.

This series is excellent. It begins with our very strong, vivacious female protagonist, Makino Tsukushi who happens to be the only “poor” (in fact she’s not that poor, she’s middle class) student who attends Eitoku Gakuen, the richest, most prestigious and most elite high school in Japan. This school is home to the children of politicians, company and business tycoons and movie stars. Everyone arrives to school in a limo, have been (or lived) overseas and sports labels such as Gucci or Chanel with enough gall to flaunt that they bought said “school” paraphernalia in places such as Las Vegas, LA, New York, Paris and London. It’s enough to make a gal feel dejected. But not to be deterred, our strong Tsukushi endures the superficiality of her school, but most especially the F4. The F4, simply put, are the bane of Makino’s existence. Meaning Flower 4, the F4 are the richest sons of Japan and believe it or not – they rule the school. Literally. Because their families are filthy rich, they donate unhealthy sums of money so the faculty allows these students free reign. The F4 is headed by Domyouji Tsukasa, son and heir to the Domyouji financial group, followed by Hanazawa Rui, Mimasaka Akira and Nishikado Soujiroh. These boys don’t have to go to class, (frankly, they’re very intelligent) don’t have to wear a uniform and if you as so much look at them in the wrong way you’re dead. You receive a red notice. Red notices are serious business. You receive one and you are the weed of the school. Everyone (it’s frighteningly mob-like, really) taunts you, teases and harasses you to no end. That is, until one of the F4 – Domyouji usually – beats the living shit out of you.

Makino hates the attitude of the school. They fawn over the F4 relentlessly and are equally relentless to those who receive red notices. She hates the F4. So when viciously standing up for a friend, she receives a red notice. Domyouji Tsukasa is not pleased. A girl has never received a red notice before, and she’s the only girl who doesn’t worship the ground he walks on. Better yet, Makino has punched him in the face. However, in way of Domyouji’s (not to mention the whole school’s) rage, there comes an unlikely knight in shining armour – Hanazawa Rui. He’s cool, he’s calculated and mysterious. She begins to develop a bit of a crush on him.

That’s all and well, but how does Rui feel? Better yet, why is Tsukasa suddenly jealous of his best friend? Makino is the only girl who doesn’t like him, yet why does he suddenly focus his attentions on her?

I hated Domyouji in the beginning and loved Rui.

Now I am in love with Domyouji. He’s absolutely adorable. Rui it seems, is a good friend. But gaaaah Domyouji is so adorable and, well, different.

I was like okay, you’re only going to watch 2 episodes. Which is what I did. Then I couldn’t handle it. I wanted to watch one more, then one more, then one more and the next thing I knew I was getting caught up in this, laughing, crying, shouting. My word, I watched the whole thing. Now I’m desperate for more.

Five out of five stars on this one.
I loved it.

Save Fail

2008-12-29T17:19:00.001+11:00

My Computer is on a Save Fail so I have been unable to save the beginning of a fic I began. So I'm posting it here just to have some kind of record of it.

He had no idea what to say.

There she sat, in her white linen hospital bed, engulfed by a gaggle of her red-haired offspring. Some of them had straight hair like the rest of the carrot-topped family. Some of them resembled their grandmother, and like Gryffindor lions and lionesses they sported unruly, recalcitrant manes. All of them were Weasleys, of varying generations. Her children and grandchildren, of course.

Speechless, he had every damned intention to pivot one-hundred and eighty degrees and march straight back to the nearest apparition point. For Merlin’s sake, what was he doing here?

“What are you doing here?”

Good question.

Draco sighed, and carefully turned on his dragon-hide boots – fresh from the box – to face the pride of crimson-maned lions gawking pointedly at him. Their gazes were almost accusatory as though he was an unwanted guest, and most likely, he was. The older of the Weasley children, the adults, were quick to judge with menacing glares sealed with bequeathed suspicion and hereditary enmity. They looked upon him with slight condescension as though he were the inebriated neighbour who occasionally stumbled drunkenly through the white picket fence and into the yard, crushing the meticulously trimmed gardenias. Or at least that’s what he assumed the Weasley hovel – correction, house – looked like. In all his years, he had never gathered the courage or the audacity to check.

“What are you doing here?”

The question repeated. It was the older Weasley, her son, the one with the horrid misnomer. Ah, yes. Hugo. Scorpius had mentioned Hugo a few times in the Ministry. Pain in the arse, that one. Like his father.

“I was invited.” Draco stated promptly, allowing a hint of his customary drawl to permeate his speech. Naturally, as a Malfoy he harboured an exceptional aversion to being unwelcome, or looked down upon. No one looked down upon a Malfoy. Especially not the Weasleys. Hugo responded with a dubious look. However Draco Malfoy was being far from mendacious. He was invited, by the only other person in the room that did not boast red hair. Hugo’s oceanic eyes immediately shifted towards his mother and her frail lips moulded themselves into an upturn quiver. Despite her feebleness, she accomplished the traces of a reassuring smile and an expression that conveyed it was safe to leave.

“Are you sure?”

She nodded solemnly and clasped his hand in hers. Reluctantly Hugo turned from his mother and led the herd out, meanwhile granting Draco a contemptuous front of bravado. Draco gritted his teeth to prevent himself from scowling at the boy.

“I don’t care if you’re Scorpius’ father. You hurt her and you’re dead,” he whispered as he left.

Like he said, pain in the arse, that one.

So the Malfoy patriarch and the Weasley matriarch remained staring at each other across the gulf of standard issue hospital linoleum and the silence that spanned in between.

He decided to break the silence.

“What, Granger?” He couldn’t bear to associate her with that name, and refused to call her anything else other than the name that was hers. His voice was gruff, clearly uncomfortable. At this, she broke into a genially radiant smile.

Life Kicked Me in the Proverbial Balls. Again.

2008-12-24T07:48:00.003+11:00

I swear. If I were a male living in metaphor-land, I'd either be developing some serious Prostate Cancer OR would have already lost my ability to father children.

Regardless.

I am much more intelligent and far more stupid than I previously thought.

What a wonderful thing it is to discover two days before Christmas. He is now with someone else. There, I said it. There, I am acknowledging it. But am I accepting it? We shall see.

How am I feeling. Odd. I cannot quite define what exactly it is that I am experiencing. It is like being born again, I feel as though every previous experience I’ve had (however limited) should have prepared me for this moment, assisted me in buffering for such a loss but of course, it hasn’t. Nothing could possibly prepare anyone for this, unless they’ve dredged themselves through this predicament before.

I do believe that Kate Winslet’s character Iris in the film, ‘The Holiday’ reiterates my circumstances both succinctly and truthfully.

“I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.”

Kudos to the scriptwriters.

Of course, I wasn’t in love with him. Just highly infatuated. Whether it be love, infatuation, like or a crush, overcoming the adversity of the unrequited requires both time and patience. Love will take deep root in your heart and a mere crush will barely seed. To varying degrees, time will always be taken, wasted, obliterated, in order to make yourself feel whole again. Varying degrees of time will always be taken to get over that impossible someone. But the pain? Oh yes, the pain. The pain is universal.

As I said, I am more intelligent and far more stupid than I previously thought. When I initially embarked on this fortuitous and educational expedition, I knew that all we could be was friends. I KNEW. I had harboured the insight and intellect in which to predict this. Thus, I am more intelligent than I initially perceived. But of course, I’m a romantic, maudlin pathetic individual. Did I listen to myself? No. Because I decided to fall head over heels and because despite our differences, despite the distance and all the circumstances creating a gulf of separation between us I refused to believe that love would ever deprive us in such a way. In my naivety, I desperately hoped to believe that love would work the way we all wish it work, that for once, it would be my turn. I desperately wanted to believe that God and whatever fated being that governed us all would grant me just this once chance, this one opportunity to really feel, to really love and be loved like so many others have before me. I created a picture of beauty and perfection, something that omitted or condoned all flaws. I clung to it, convinced myself that one day he would see me, acknowledge me and somehow by some unspeakable magic, he would call and say that he felt the same. I clung to that picture with blinding hope, with every will and fibre in my body as a drowning man would commit to his last breath. And now, as a bubble, I watch it rise and float away.

I first responded to this tidbit of information quite positively actually, I surprised, curious, amused, even. It was morbid fascination that compelled me to discover more about her, and yet it was my defence mechanisms which had ceased such actions altogether. I refused to torture myself by comparing myself to her. If he couldn’t see me, well then, I suppose that’s his loss. I could then feel the resentment creep in, burgeoning a deep obsidian within my psyche. And then, finally it really hit me, like a slow but heavy sledgehammer it hit me. It was then that I snuggled into my quilt, closed my eyes and pretended that I couldn’t feel the droplets of moisture roll down my cheek. I wondered, pondered, perused and analysed every memory, everything we shared, simply wondering how, or why, where I could have read it wrong and misunderstood. It was exhausting, I assure you.

To tell you the truth, we’re still getting to know each other, he doesn’t know me. And nor I him. Thus I know that I could have never have loved him. My previous affections for other guys have been mostly of pure lust. However, with him how can the lust exist if I’ve only ever seen him twice this year? I actually began to fall for his personality. That isn’t at all as shallow as lust, this, this begins to take root in your heart, while lust may be perfunctorily swept away. When I needed to get over AA, I merely yanked that plant out and that was the end of it. While this, I may sweep this away with my curiosity and amusement, I may ignore it, I may yank 95% of this plant out. But, I know, that there will always be that 5% left remaining, the piece of root that had dug in the deepest. It lies there, behind everything that is me, and waits as it grows and festers, poisoning everything in the darkest of all midnight shades.

I likened the loss of him to when your computer crashes and all your important files are deleted. I can live without him, I know I can, I simply don’t want to. I suppose it isn’t the loss of him that hit me the hardest last night. It’s once again coming upon the dawning realisation that life simply doesn’t ask you what you want. It hands out all the gifts to everyone else and hands you the dodgy leftovers. I can’t say that I’ve liked anyone more deeply, and it is because of this that I walk away wounded, a mobile casualty. I walk away a little more wounded, a little less complete and a little more cynical – and that my friends, is the pain. Pain, undoubtedly, is difficult - but getting used to that pain, growing accustomed to that festering ball of darkness in your heart, that’s simply sad. Here I stand, a beacon of it. But now is not the time to wallow in self-pity – it’s Christmas, and quite frankly, although that five percent of him will always be there, I know that I’ll be okay.

I will be okay, and that’s a fact that I well and truly am aware of. It’s not the end of the world. However, that too is a source of pain. Because for some unknown and masochistic reason, I don’t want to be okay, I want to feel, I want to know that heart-wrenching unequivocally life changing pain. Why? I don’t know, perhaps it’s because for some pathetic reason, you’ll know that you truly have loved someone enough, and in that way, to make your life paradoxically yet blissfully complete. To feel that pain is to know that you have loved someone with every fibre in your being, and that perhaps, in return for loving someone with such fervour, potency and intensity, they may just love you back.

It’s stupid, I know. That’s my hopeful self talking.

Enough with the angst. I’ve been caught in a whirlpool caged in a prison for nine months now. I’ve been emotionally tossed and turned, I’ve been high and low. I refuse to wallow in my own sorrow. I refuse to think of myself as inferior. I refuse to feel sorry for myself anymore.

I wish to see this as an opportunity, as a gift.

What is that gift, you ask? Well my friends, this is the gift of freedom.

=)

CHRISTMAS CONCERT!!!

2008-12-07T13:27:00.002+11:00

The Christmas Concert last night was awesomeness!! It was such an amazing experience, both in spiritual growth and within the maturing of our characters, and of course indeed in the utilisation of our talents!

OASIS rocked their socks off :) It was so awesome-o. I can't believe how nervous I was though. In order to relieve my tension I began to play piano as I find it a highly cathartic experience :) Then Tim comes along on the drums and we had a brief Jam session lol! Who knew that drums could actually meld into Yiruma's "River Flows in You"? I certainly didn't!

The Christmas Concert was so awesome though! Being an MC is so exhilarating, fun and yet sooo stressful at the same time! It was developmental experience, one which had "brought me out of my shell" I suppose, or in Pat's words: "You really came out of yourself." Singing "Lean on Me" with the crowd was amazing! Especially acapella where everyone can be heard. The sense of community truly evoked the Christmas Spirit!

OASIS was awesome of course, I had to run around dancing, singing and MC-ing. All in all it was an awesome night. Saw Chris there too!!! The dance was so funny though, I really thought that I was going to fall off the stage. ALSO MY HAIR WAS SO WINDSWEPT I LOOKED LIKE A MADWOMAN! I should have put it up! argggh, but anyhoo. Meeting the Councillors was also something I'll always remember! I was so honoured! Thank the Lord that it didn't rain!!!

:)

I want to say more, but I need to study!

Bye bye!

Stage Parents

2008-10-09T19:30:00.003+11:00

Somehow I can actually understand how she feels.

I hate Adrianna, I think she's a complete ignoramus. However, there seems to be a glimmer of humanity within her in this episode despite the fact that she OD'd and practically crucified her altruistic best friend because of her own vice.

I blame her mother. Clean and simple. It's her mother's fault for dumping on her daughter that the onerous responsibility of being the sole breadwinner of the household. She's such an megalomaniacal stage-parent who strives to be bloody Dina (Deena?) Lohan.

Although, as much as I despise Adrianna's character, I can somewhat understand how she feels. Tonight, my parents were also being 'Stage Parents' towards me. They consistently have been haranguing me about joining the blogging revolution or making some grand fucking debut on the internet with my stories. They're such capitalists these days and they're willing to sell anything due to their web/marketing-seminar they've been attending - including my talent. I swear, they've been so financially-oriented these past few months that all they can discuss with me is the prospect of me selling my stories, pimping them out there for the world to see.

They just don't understand. They over-estimate my ability. I'm not bloody Stephenie Meyer or JK Rowling, or bloody Beatrix Potter for that matter! I'm not that bloody kid who won dozens of writing competitions and finally got published at age fifteen. Who is going to read the machinations of some insipid teenager who happens to have a certain aptitude for writing? No one. No one bloody cares. It's the freaking internet for crying out loud!

They've become such capitalists that all they want to do is stuff me like a Thanksgiving turkey with ideas for websites and writing and all this other technological crap. They don't know my world like I do. They don't know my writing like I do. Gosh it's so infuriating! I understand their stance and sure, why not utilise what I've got? But the way they're going about it, I might as well be so capitalist I might as well be that girl who's auctioning off her virginity for money! Her excuse? She's a capitalist!

My parents want me to go about this the easy way. They want me to shuck my morals and ideals and short cut my way to success. I DON'T WORK LIKE THAT. I believe in hard work, I believe in doing things the right way. I believe in honesty and integrity and making sure that whatever I may post on the internet is 100% my own. They don't understand that. My dad keeps telling me that I'm too idealistic. Well, at least I'm staying true to myself! I holding on to what I believe in! What is wrong with that?

Talk about selling your beliefs!

They're being so ridiculous.

It's like they're stage parents and they see me as a commodity, a tool to simply poop out stories like a rabbit and expect them to be high grade quality. It doesn't fucking work that way. I'm not a vending machine - and besides, if I were, no one wants a vending machine that only stocks second-rate wannabe brands of cola.

They also don't have any concept of time. The only thing I need on my mind right now is the HSC. IT'S ONE WEEK AWAY AND THEY SPRING THIS ON ME. Why do I need other things occupying my mind and distracting me right now? I DO NOT NEED THIS! I must study! Not think about ways to sell my soul.

Sure I love writing, but it's not everyday that I'm suddenly always motivated. I don't write fast, producing a short story for me takes days, weeks even. I cannot simply run by supply and demand. Inspiration doesn't work that way. I don't have any confidence in my writing anymore. All I only write when I have to now and despite the fact that I don't like it, it's all I can do because I HAVE NO BLOODY TIME to do anything of leisure due to the fact that MY HSC IS NEXT WEEK AND I HAVE SCHOOL TO THINK ABOUT.

Why do they have to keep thrusting this upon me? I mean, yeah it's a great idea and I'm up for it, but the way they are handling this with me is all wrong. They say I'm too idealistic when really everything for them is black and white. I can't simply shove all my stories on a website and go here ya go! Next week I'm uploading something new! I've never worked that way, and when I did, everything I produced was long, drawn out and crap. Utter crap. A waste of the english language.

Here comes the part I hate most:

My parents have never read anything I've ever written.

They never read anything I give them. They don't bother. It's like a sporting dad who pushes his son to constantly train and train and train and then never showing up to his son's soccer matches or whatever. I hate it. I don't feel supported. They go yeah, sell it. But they don't even know the product that they're endorsing! It's stupid!

Gosh, I NEED TO CONCENTRATE ON THE HSC.

I CAN THROW AWAY MY MORALS AND IDEALS LATER.

LATER, I CAN EXPLOIT MYSELF. LATER, I CAN BLOODY SELL MY VIRGINITY WHILE I'M AT IT.

ADRIANNA, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND YOU.

If I had drugs right now, and a complete lack of self-respect, I might OD myself.

Limerence is About as Sweet as a Lime

2008-09-21T15:37:00.000+10:00

Unfortunately, my Dostoevsky perusal mission has resulted in a failure as I was sufficiently distracted with other texts such as: The Virgin Suicides, Howl’s Moving Castle and Breaking Dawn. The Virgin Suicides was excellent and I was delightedly shocked to recognise the term ‘fin-de-siecle’ in there, also highly intrigued by the perspective the novel is written in. Howl’s Moving Castle is like any other folkloric fantasy novel and Breaking Dawn became an addiction, I couldn’t put it down, I almost cried, laughed many times and thoroughly enjoyed it. Although it was written like a bloody piece of good indulgent fanfiction, I think that’s why it was enjoyable. I am also okay with Jacob now, I like him. That’s sacrilege, I know as almost a year ago I wanted to slaughter that mutt, now he’s like the likeable cousin because he released Bella and imprinted on Renesmee. Renesmee. Seriously. Meyer! Demonstrate some creativity please!

Goodness, I’ve developed a ridiculous tangent. My apologies, I digress. I am not blogging today to discuss books. When one has six days without school or exams, aside from reading, one suddenly obtains a ridiculous stretch of time in which to think. When you’re me, you think superfluously. I think I think too much. Even now, I’m over-thinking things. Anyway, yes, I was thinking extensively, and also had a huge chunk of time to cultivate quixotic emotions especially when one reads a novel such as Breaking Dawn. (Honestly, boys, adopt Twilight as your female BIBLE and Edward Cullen as your heathen-god leader.) Coalesced with such rumination I have delivered myself to the onset of an unhealthy, festering inferiority complex. I won’t indulge in such inferiority complex, I believe, well, I hope I am more intelligent than that self-flagellation. Life’s a bitch like that, but what can one do but eat one’s own damn lemons? Other than making them into lemonade and selling it for fifty-cents a cup, of course (just the mark of my metaphorical thinking in line with our capitalist society).

Quixotic emotions, limerence and lime, inferiority complex? Who else could I be referring to, but him of course? Built in or programmed into the female psyche is the ridiculous tendency to analyse things. It’s brilliant when one is in an English class, but disastrous, stressful and arduous when such analytical ability is immediately (and unfortunately instinctively) utilised in the courting arena. So we play the courting game. I’ve decided to blog and document everything relevant I possibly can from the moment I met him. I need this cathartic release. He’s dominating my thoughts and that won’t do. I will not accept that. I am an independent woman whose mind does not require subjugation by the dominion of a guy, well, man, really. I’m hoping that releasing these thoughts and ponderings from my system will reduce the thoughts of him swimming around my head.

Him. That’s all I’ll dare refer to him as. Him. He’s something beyond comprehension. You really know how to pick’em Dana. Really. Why couldn’t choose someone a little less, unattainable? A little closer to this planet? A little more in my own world, a little more convenient, less far beyond my league? Sometimes I think that this can only end in heartache. This isn’t about ‘the thrill of the chase’ either. I’d rather that there BE NO CHASE. I wish life were as simple as imprinting. Sure, by human nature, the forbidden is exciting and alluring. It’s arousing and intoxicating. Why do you think I love DHr fanfiction so much? The temptation of the forbidden, of the unattainable is potent and carnal, regressing us back to our childhood needs and desires where rumination was not so deep, but rather instinctual. It’s pure pleasure and pain. I see that. It’s beautiful in its complexity but honestly, why can’t things just be bloody SIMPLE? On second thought, he isn’t exactly ‘forbidden,’ is he? Just highly unattainable. Believe you me I am receiving no ‘high’ off this stupid chase. I’d rather he be mine already.

But I’m not so much like that. I know me, and sure, I’m human I’m ridiculously selfish at times. Yet when it concerns romantic love, I am all giving. It’s all or nothing with me, I will bare my soul to them. I would do anything for that person and that’s a fact. (Remember the newspaper run?) If he says ‘no,’ or ‘sorry’ – however he may phrase it – I would accept it immediately and leave it at that, be his friend and pretend such feelings never took root in my heart and smile warmly, laugh pleasantly and support him when he does decide to chase the girl of his dreams. Because that’s what love does to me. Oh well, I can’t say I’m ‘in love’ with him, just highly infatuated. Despite my feminist beliefs, I am granting him liberty and free reign over our relationship and he doesn’t even KNOW it. I really wish I didn’t feel this way. But why does he have to be so damn wonderful?

This is why I only wanted to be his friend primordially. From the beginning I only wanted to be his friend despite the fact that I knew I liked him deeply, because what am I to expect from the unattainable? I can only expect nothing and everything from him. I want to expect nothing from him and am schooling myself to expect nothing from him because I am aware that my feelings are not reciprocated, this is unrequited, as always. Expecting anything would lead to unbounding disappointment. He already failed twice to meet me, so I’m quite sure I should expect nothing from him. But how can I expect less than everything from someone so beyond anyone I have ever met? How can I expect nothing less than everything from the boy who is so much more a man than all the guys I know put together? How can I tell myself to treat him platonically and expect nothing from someone so wonderful and awe-inspiring? HOW?
Such is my predicament. But I’ll concede, that since I’ve been attempting to change my mindset, I’ve relaxed around him. I’m trying more now than ever to be myself. The other day he informed me that he made it to the debating finals - that was brilliant, excellent and wonderful. It just made me like him even more, I am so proud of him and yet selfishly wish to live my would-be debating glory vicariously through his success. I must attend the finals, and so I began perusing their school website for the date (result was a fail) but discovered, shockingly, a section of the site totally dedicated to him where they promulgated his success as if he were the risen Messiah. I was shocked, awed, and also felt like some idiotic fan girl wowing at his celebrity status. Nevertheless, I could feel an inferiority complex stirring from within me. He had all these other girls at his fingertips, ready and willing to be with him. They were of the same social class, status, education and proximity, who attended the same events with the same interests. They are, dare I say it, compatible in every single way. What would I bring to the table? I have no idea.

I know I’m not going to go on this self-flagellating guilt trip. I’m not going to wallow in self-pity or doubt. That’s highly unattractive and counter-productive when I’m trying to better myself. LOL I feel like Bella when she’s around Edward. Only the envy doesn’t arise from the physical. I know that I must be thankful for at least knowing him personally, this much, anyway. I am thankful for God granting me the gift, the miracle even, of me knowing him at least. He makes me humble myself, but also he instigates this passion and drive within me to reach for my goals NOW. I’ll be eternally grateful to him for that.

The disappointing factor introduces itself when I realise that I’m not a priority in his life. I’m not a priority, I’m probably a good, reliable friend who he can flirt with. There’s potential there but considering the way his priorities are arranged, relationships are far from his mind. In expecting nothing from him, that fact is slowly taking residence in my brain and I’m slowly accepting it. Of course I’ll go on liking him, it’s fun, and I’ll enjoy the solitary honeymoon high while it’s still happening, but as much as I want to wish for it, I doubt I’ll get with him. There’s always hope though :P But I keep my emotions in check like I have a personal Jasper and I make sure that I don’t hope too much.

Wow, I can still remember the first time I ever saw him. Vividly. He entered the room and whoosh, suddenly his presence was filling it. When he began talking I was scared shitless, I knew immediately that Stef was going to lose. He awed me, I never knew any one remotely like him. He was amazing, in true form. Physically, I thought he was quite handsome, although someone I’d never personally go for, he was too unattainable, nothing would amount from it even if by some stretch of the imagination I managed to talk to him. He wowed me. I left their school happy and blushing. He was amazing. I memorised his name immediately. Of course, this is the abridged version.

I’ll continue this blog later. I’ll vlog the rest. I think I’ll be able to document it better that way.

But this was good release.

Until next time –

- Deeh xoxox

What am I to You?

2008-08-25T21:34:00.002+10:00

Thinking about him depresses me.

This, basically epitomises what I'm feeling right now.

What am I to You? - Norah Jones

What am I to you
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Vast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue

When you're feeling low
To whom else do you go
See I cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

If my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I love you when you're blue
Tell me darlin true
What am I to you

Yah well if my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
Never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me
Could you carve me in a tree
Don't fill my heart with lies

I will you love when you're blue
Tell me darlin true
What am I to you
What am I to you
What am I to you

The worst thing is, is that I think I may already know the answer to that question - and I know I don't like it.

Well, it could be worse.

He could be... urgh, no. I won't go there.

How Charming.

2008-08-22T20:46:00.002+10:00

Oh how charming is this.

My week, which had commenced with utter euphoria, has gone TO HELL.

Hello Dante, I think I may be living in your inferno, how's that for Divine Comedy?

I should stop the depresssing puns.

I mean it's just been the accumulation of events and shitty weather and my PMS. Urgh.

Okay, so let's get Mr. Political Cognoscenti out of the way. Firstly, it does concern me that one of the brightest political minds of our generation is about AS DENSE AS A BLACK HOLE! OR:

a) he really is simply that dense.

b)He's lazy.

c)He's scared of taking a risk

or d) (and perhaps the most probable of all) he simply DOES. NOT. LIKE. ME.

Then, why, may I ask, all the flirting?

Urgh. I'm up against T's School Captain here! I am no competition whatsoever. urgh. So depressing. And isn't it lovely how they MATCH?? ggr. I mean seriously, if YOU HAD SPORTING COMMITMENTS WHY KEEP UP the pretence?

Meh I'm tired. I've lost my flair for blogging.

The Murray goes and scoffs at me with her condescension.

Go fuck a whale.

Go to Japan, get skewered and be fed to populace.

POST-TRIAL Euphoria

2008-08-22T20:04:00.001+10:00

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

POST-TRIAL euphoria =D
Current mood: vibrant
Category: Writing and Poetry

Aaah post-exam euphoria is the BEST thing...

I'd never sully myself with illicit substances, however I do estimate that the feeling that I am experiencing at the moment emulates an LSD experience. "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds..." and I'm even breaking out into song... with the Beatles. Ok. Moving on. LOL I am very relaxed at the moment, and rather giddy. Ever fed a child approximately the entire Switzerland's worth of chocolate?

It's like that.

If you haven't, well I would supplement a video of Louie after having consumed a glass of pure, unadulterated, undiluted red cordial. Believe you me the effects were both disastrous and entertaining. Imagine a child spring up suddenly and start running in a circle. Screaming. For about five minutes. Straight. The video is on my phone, and my phone is still being the paragon of technological malfunction after I dropped it in the shower the other week. Yes, I'm highly aware of how bizarre that appears. In a way, that makes me seem like an idiotic freak that uses their phone in the shower. No, I shall explain. In a nutshell, being the consistent person that I am who places upon the highest pedestal the virtue of punctuality - I like to know how long my showers are. Ergo I habitually check the time when I'm in there – by use of my phone. It's also my bid for the environment and our steadily depleting water supply.

Wow, ok, that was a major tangent.

I'll begin with the exam today. It was highly improved in comparison to yesterday's sordid affair. Area of Study I think was hitherto the major stuff (insert more colourful language) up of my life. I died a little inside having to BUTCHER, masticate and by way of inky projectile vomit produce a bloody 'Letter to the Editor' that both conformed to the damn criteria and somehow bore some resemblance to my original pre-written short story.

It was both painful and grotesque.

Out of 15, I do believe that I'd receive somewhere around a 5. I can simply envision Grumble or Rubello seating themselves cosily in the second-level staffroom, easing themselves into a Godfather-esque wing-chair adjacent to toasty/roaring fireplace (not that we have one of those in the staffroom lol, that is entirely secret faculty domain – so clandestine in fact that I think they conduct occult ceremonies in there – I jest) and positively itching with anticipation as they eye my exam paper with burgeoning interest. Voraciously, their eyes rove over the student number and downwards as they begin reading my pile of meaningless crap. This is where the scotch comes in. And of course the scotch comes in. You NEED SCOTCH to complete the scene. Not to mention I do believe that my English teachers would undoubtedly saturate themselves with liquid luck when they discover that their best student, whom of which they had invested such hope in, stumbled upon an astronomically epic FAIL in her HSC Trial Exam.

At least it was the Trial and not the actual HSC. If it were the HSC, a blunder like that would require Absinthe - or a trip across the road to Westmead Hospital's psyche ward.

Would you believe that whilst traversing to Japanese, Miss approaches me right with, "Dana! How'd you find the exam?"

I hesitated and pondered a diplomatic answer, "...enjoyable. I laughed when I read that we had to write a radio interview transcript, I had fun with that."

"Ah yes, we went through it in class, I'm glad. Er, were you in that class when I said 'Aw they'd never give you a 'Letter to the Editor?'" She asked bashfully. It took all my eye-muscle strength NOT to glare at her.

"Yes Miss. Indeed I was."

"I'm so sorry, I told you that and I can't believe that you got one yesterday – I'm so sorry I had no idea."

"Haha that's okay, although when I looked at the question, all I wanted to do was cry."

At least she apologised. That's more than I can ask for. Meanwhile, I'll keep exhausting the dictionary of its epithets every time Grumble decides to pop into my peripheral vision. Don't think that would make a very pleasant homeroom period every morning.

The critical analysis of inner-journey itself was... interesting – 'okay' at best. I didn't integrate as smoothly as I initially intended due to time constraints but I answered the question. My hand couldn't write bloody fast enough. I've discovered my limit – five pages in forty-minutes. That's it, so in comparison to those who like to write eight, my work has to be QUALITY over QUANTITY. I had to sacrifice three paragraphs of my initial essay. Damn. I really liked those paragraphs. Okay, lol I'm working myself up into a fit – it's not like someone DIED lol. Regardless, the Short Answer Comprehension was excellent, great texts in which I could harness my bullshitting prowess and have the audacity to call it 'analysis.' I am not concerned at all about that particular segment.

And today? Blade Runner/Brave New World – LOVED IT. The question was indeed challenging – but not impossible. I guess the only reason as to why I loved it is because I loved the texts lol. I adored Brave New World for all its ironic sci-fi-ness and it's dystopic appeal. Oh my word let me tell you about how much I LOVE utopic/dystopic fiction. It's like my bread and butter. Blade Runner, although initially I hadn't warmed to it, but after analysing it I can appreciate it for its warped beauty and of course its sci-fi! =D "More human than human." I love that quote. I'd love the song too, if only it didn't sound like there was a woman having sex with God knows who in the introduction of the song. King Lear was debatable. The question was a character question so it wasn't too difficult, just extensive.

'Telling the Truth' was about a major travesty as my 'Letter to the Editor' was. This time I attempted to incorporate more elements of the text type rather than simply giving it lip-service. I think in adhering to the text type, I MAJORLY sacrificed the quality of my analysis. =( At least I had fun with it. As previously mentioned, it was a radio transcript. Could they be any more ABSTRACT? But I was enjoying myself, thinking of songs to insert randomly. And since the Module was 'Telling the Truth,' I went with it.

[Insert song break here. Song: 'Confessions' – by Usher]

LOL. And when I finished my transcript:

[Fade into song here. Song: 'Don't Lie' – Black-Eyed-Peas]

Yeah, I had fun. Now I'm having fun listening to my VICTORY MUSIC! System of a Down! You'd think with my musical appreciation that System of A Down is entirely incongruous to what I usually listen to (jazz, classical, alternative etc.) But Dyanne is like my oracle of SOAD and, oh come on! Like Chop Suey isn't a victory song! I feel like moshing, or something. (Dyz I have fallen in love with that 'Revenga,' oh my word if System was on Guitar Hero I'd die. This afternoon I was giggling and laughing, I had felt the most elated than I have in a rather long time. I also learned 'Love Song' by Sara Bareilles on Piano, all I need to do is learn the lyrics. Very therapeutic.

But alas, I have homework to complete.

Until next time,

Dana xoxox

Politically Revolutionary Fiction is...

2008-08-22T20:03:00.002+10:00

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Political Revolutionary Fiction is...
Current mood: blah
Category: News and Politics

... highly intriguing.

I would like to proudly promulgate (ah, the damned alliteration), for both my own sense of satisfaction and vanity, that I have as of 30/07/08 11:10pm have alas finished reading 'Noli Me Tangere' by Jose Rizal.

After 63 Chapters, 278 external notes, several passages in Latin and innumerous shifts in writing tense, I have finally completed it.

It was rather compelling as I was reading along, although his unique literary style was something to grow accustomed to. The utterly theocratic system of Philippines at the time was interesting to both exploit and explore from a modernist perspective. It calls to mind Arthur Miller's 'The Crucible' and how McCarthyism was able to be manipulated allegorically within the theocracy of Puritan society. Having completed reading the novel, it is completely lucid to me as to why it was both banned and regarded as a subversive novel, and Rizal branded as a subvert.

SPEAKING OF SUBVERTING THE SYSTEM - Here's my random rant for the day! (LOL That sounded like a segment on Rove, most likely headed my Husey or Helliar) My illustrious, gargantuan 'educator' of Studies of Religion has completely undermined the leaders system. She's a complete subvert in terms of both our spiritual nourishment and the established paradigms of our school. Excuse my plebeian use of the 'Harry Potter' analogy, but that woman is uncannily like Professor Umbridge, so much to the point that it's freaking scary. The similarities are striking, indeed. Many a member of my religion class have vehemently expressed their desires to resort to violence and 'shoot' her.

I do believe that the correct verb would be 'harpoon.'

Despite my human/environmental rights tendencies, I've discovered that Japan has alas a legitimate reason to continue whaling.

Ok. That was highly malicious. My apologies.

But Dyanne. I know you totally would have laughed.

Oh my word. I just had a thought. I could have used 'The Crucible' and 'Noli Me Tangere' as additional material together! Shaizer! I could have! It's a shame, really. A multitude of lazy people are using 'The Crucible.' But. But. 'The Crucible' and 'The Noli' fit like hand to glove! Hmm... it'll be ok. I have my political cartoons. Yet honestly, just imagine, what a politically analytical essay that would have been!

WYD Day 5 and 6

2008-08-22T20:03:00.001+10:00

Thursday, July 31, 2008

WYD Day 5 and 6
Current mood: anxious
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Ok. I've typed half of my account up for this. It's all on a word document and will be up here soon. At the moment I,

a) Generally can't be bothered

and

b) HAVE ENGLISH HSC TRIALS TO IMMERSE MYSELF WITH!!!!!!!

So blogging is of course, approximately fourth priority in terms of Trials, other schoolwork and Parish Newsletter writing/editing.

However, because I do enjoy and prefer to have things in concise chronological order, this notice is simply in here so I am able to permit myself to blog continuously without feeling any sense of obsessive/compulsive guilt at my lack of chronological- correctness. For now, I bid thee adieu and return to the troglodytical disposition I like to call 'intense study time.'

WYD Day 4

2008-08-22T20:02:00.000+10:00

Saturday, July 19, 2008

WYD Day 4
Current mood: bouncy
Category: Religion and Philosophy

CHRISTIAN MOSHPITS are the best way to meet people. xD

Today I brought my Camera! I made up for lost time and began taking photos like mad, and took photos with new friends and almost everyone I randomly hugged. It was the Stations of the Cross today and once again we were designated an area where both our vision and aural clarity were obscured with incovenient placement of both screens and speakers. Ergo, the youth group didn't really absorb or engage themselves with the actual Stations of the Cross. It was a shame though, and I was also quite disappointed in myself for being too sleepy. I fell asleep on the floor and on Veronica's shoulder during the commencement of it. When I woke up I realised that they had only accomplished one station, which wasn't too bad I guess. The acting was beautiful though, great acting and I managed to acquire some close up shots of the action. Usually I'd sleep on the way from Blacktown to Central, but today Tim came with us. Of course, when Tim's around - life's a party. Him and his excellent ear were able to grasp that Croatian Alleluia so of course our youth group adopted that "ALLELUUUUIIAAAAAA!!!" with relentless zeal. We sang it all the way to Central, even contriving our own lyrics LOL. "Paulie is dry!!!! PAULIE IS DRY!" Dry. The word of the day. "Dry" according to Jhunlee and Joan, means "Lame." It was an incredible start to the day.

Oh and I gave my question to the Bishop this morning! He didn't answer it correctly though - he wrote off my question merely as a question of semantics and linguistics more so than the revolution of religion. For those of you wondering, Tim and I had this COLOSSAL fight over theology and Catholicism a few weeks ago (I had never been more insulted in my whole life) about whether changing the lyrics and passages in the Bible from "HIM" to "GOD" really mattered. I said that it made God more relatable, more generic and equal for women rather than permeating the Bible with patriarchal undertones. Tim's argument was, was that it was changing religion to suit the person, not the person conforming and rising to the challenges of their religion. It is a valid argument, I understand. But honestly "HIM" to "GOD" is not a massive thing. It's just semantics. My query to the Bishop was, 'What is the Church's stance on those specific alterations in this century, is it merely giving concession or accomodating for the rise in feminism, or the New Age concept of God as an entity rather than a person?' He didn't answer it, I'm afraid, so alas it is one again unreconciled. Doesn't matter really, I'm not too bothered by it these days. There were other excellent questions such as, 'How do we reconcile 'Free Will' and Predestination?'

I saw heaps of people today from school. All you Rooty Hill YFC people! LOL I'm hugging Mary, MJ, Anne, Kaye and as Anne walks by she's like "Have you finished the Maths Assignment yet?"

"NOPE! Questions 1 a) and b)"

"HI-FIVE!"

The concert was excellent though.As I said, Christian Moshpits are so funny! This whole group of guys walked passed and they were discussing starting a chant. This guy's like "I say, "How Long?" and you say "Too Long!"" so they decided to practice and the leader was like, "How Long?!" nobody answered, so I yelled randomly in passing, "TOO LONG!" They all cracked up, and cheered, giving me Hi-fives! xD They finally got Hillsong to play - with music we actually KNEW. LOL Everyone was moshing to "One Way Jesus." I love that song. You could scream it out at the top of your lungs and you'd still sound in melody and time. It awesome dancing and talking to people along the way, forming a massive Conga Line of the youth group and this guy was like "When does it end???" They also had a drama going on with Lifehouse's "Everything" playing in the background. I LOVE THAT SONG. Too bad no one around me knew it, so I was there singing passionately and Michael is like "HOW DO YOU KNOW THE LYRICS???" I must say, the drama was EXCELLENT. So I'm a corny, romantic, puddle of mush inside, and I almost cried. Yes. I'll admit to that. I became emotional. In my defence, I'll say that my faith is an integral part of me. We couldn't stay for the rest of the concert though, if we wanted to be home before 12, we had to leave. On the train - another party! We sang that Croatian Alleluia once again (I pitied the commuters), all the guys lost their voice and we finally created an OASIS chant. We sang so many songs and "This little light" went on for a century and a half.

It was an awesome night! Awesome experiences. Very cold though. Toni was clinging to me in desperation. She was hugging me so tightly for warmth that people began to think we were lesbian. No, lol we were just freezing. But Toni is PERFECT hugging height - not to mention heaps of people there have awesome hugs! Took heaps of photos, will upload soon. But I must go, I have to pack my bag for tomorrow - sleeping under the stars!!! WOO! I'm so excited! But the ten km walk with all my stuff? Not so much. But it's for my faith, I must remind myself. I also need to get a decent sleep for once! Especially since tomorrow will be a LOOONG DAY.

Goodnight!! :)

Dana XOXOXOXOX

WYD Day 3

2008-08-22T20:01:00.000+10:00

Friday, July 18, 2008

WYD Day 3
Current mood: chipper
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Whoaaa the Pope is in Sydney and apparently I was on foxtel! WHOO!

It was a tad expected though, the camera guy was RIGHT IN MY FACE. But of course, I had to look unfazed, nonchalant and entirely in the moment if he were to continue filming me that night on the opening mass. Today was pretty good, the excitement is beginning to recede - the highlight of the day was having the Pope himself about five metres away from me and starting a chant in approximately three different nations! :D This morning, I had to do the reading, quite nervous but it kept me awake and defended my body against the dreaded onset of a microsleep. In any case, standing there before that crowd of people reminded me that I love speeches. Despite the terribly nerve-wrecking prelude to said speech, there's something so exhilarating about being up there, knowing that people are drinking in your every word. Mass was satisfying though, except for the fact that the girl sang "Here I am to Worship" in a very strange and high key that was impossible to both grasp the melody from, and reach with my alto voice.

In any case, we trained it to the city and I slept all the way on Toni's shoulder from Blacktown to Central lol, once again alighted at Wynyard and walked from there to Barangaroo. This walk was MUCH more convenient as the crowds of the Opening Mass weren't present. However it was still fun chanting and singing with pilgrims from across the world. People were chanting their patriotic cries in several languages (the German one is so cool by the way), us Aussies constantly shouted our "Aussie Aussie Aussie - OI, OI, OI" while everyone from the States had their "U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!" Anyway, I thought it would be appropriate in the prelude to the Pope's official arrival to get the "Benedicto!" Chant going (Benedict XVI - Man I want one of those BENEDICTO 16 shirts). So randomly I yelled as loud as I could "BENEDICTO!" *Clapping rhythm follows* at first no one answered and I was like "Shame man! Rejected!" But then a Spanish woman followed with a response of "BENEDICTO!" so there I was leading the chant with the Spanish, American, German, Italian and of course us Aussies. It felt so cool!!!! o(>____<)"o

It was so peculiar at Barangaroo though, it was as though they had sent everyone in Blacktown or the Parramatta Diocese to the same area as I saw heaps of people I knew, met up with them, chatted and everything. The Pope's arrival was weird though, didn't see a thing. But when he was up there talking, he was so cute! (In the non-aesthetic sense, in the old man "aaw" sense, just to clarify) I loved his accent, and his English was much better than expected. The shades of nuance in the terms he used, and the specific connotations with carefully selected words were able to unlock new ideas and meanings to notions I had believed all my life. He gave me new perspective on so many things simultaneously, they were truly words of wisdom. But my gosh! That man is such a linguist! He can speak like 5 or 6 different languages! I envy his linguistic abilities! So fluent! So awesome! When he toured around in that cute Pope-Mobile of his (OMG I think of Mr. Grace and his discomfort at saything those words when I think 'Pope-Mobile') I was like 5m away from him!! Woo! His presence here in Australia very much became a reality to me.

In any case, after his Holiness had left to tour around Sydney we had to wait a while for Bianca, Jay, Joan and Colista to return. Lucky. Got to be on the boat with the Pope. (Lol that almost rhymes!) The concert was alright, but as TJ mentioned, they were all "No Frills" acts. Ones of relative fame, but no one really knew them. It was still cool to jump around with randoms though. GOODNESS! The amount of Free Hugs! I can't believe how many people I've hugged today! Countless! There was that guy today, "Anyone from NSW gets a 75% better hug!" and he hugged me first! XD and then there was that charging group of Melbourne guys! xD Who ran up to us, and then we all ran up to them (the WHOLE youth group) and then this guy really hugged me like bear hug and then the youth group joined in and we were squashed into this patriotic sort of mosh-pit jumping up and down. Only problem was, was that because everyone squashed into us, we were still hugging and jumping and unable to untangle..... unfortunately well, I would NEVER rub up against like that unless we were.... married or something! Thankfully, this is a Catholic event where all sense of the sexual is completely irrelevant and/or ecclipsed by religious energy.

I slept on the ride home, we returned home quite early today! Instead of the usual ten o'clock, we left at approximately seven-thirty. OMG We met the Croatians on the bus! I swear, they are the most jubilant and indefatigably exuberant people you will ever meet! I just spent the last few hours trying to google that "Alleluia" song they always sing. It is the CATCHIEST tune, and they sang non-stop from the station to the bus, on the bus, all the way to the church and even out of the bus. Then they started their dancing circle. And oh! LOL that adorable Croatian guy who asked for the ball, with the broken english but who's HELLA PRO at soccer can play the drums! I just wanted to hop into their dancing circle, but I was too exhausted.

All in all, today was a good day. :) It wasn't as eventful and we didn't do much, but we saw the Pope, and that was an accomplishment. I mean, who can say that they were there on Pope Benedict's first visit to Australia. It's surely something to remember! I must get to bed! Oooh Ill bring my tambourine and a camera tomorrow! To upload take heaps of photos! :D

Until tomorrow!

Dana xoxoxoxox

WYD Day Two

2008-08-22T19:59:00.000+10:00

Thursday 17th July

OMGAH. TIRED. BACK ACHING.

But damn was today interesting. I woke today absolutely exhausted had to run to church (NOT a good thing on three hours sleep and an empty stomach) to be there on time for the Catechesis and then Jay tells me that I have to bloody perform five songs (NEW SONGS WHICH I HAD NEVER HEARD BY THE WAY) in front of all the American Pilgrims! Can I hear you say, WHAT??? And THEN apparently I hear that I'm reading for mass! What! So of course there I am, empty stomach, completely paralysed with lassitude and I must be so invloved. THANKFULLY However, I managed to learn those songs quick snap and I pawned off my reading to Jeanette so I think I'm reading tomorrow (today, technically).

However the Catechesis session was enlightening and the Bishop was highly entertaining, very amusing man. :) Eventually we survived it, had lunch and travelled to the city via train at approximately 1:00. Man you've gotta love those Croatians! I love their music and their traditional dancing in Hyde Park. Seriously, Hyde Park. That's where I was ALL DAY. Primordially it was due to the youth activities in the area and we were registered to pay homage to the incorrupt body of Saint Pier Giorgio Frassati (I think I got that right). However the line was SO EXTENSIVE. Any longer and it could have measured the cicrumference of the equator and then some! We were waiting tediously for approximately two hours (becoming bored enough to initiate a sort of Irish jig), we had to pass security and THEN we were able to enter the Cathedral. It was so peaceful in there, I could have spent the whole day in there in some meditative bubble of quiet reflection.

On other notes though, it was excellent unexpectedly meeting friends there and of course making thousands of new ones! In the terribly and exhaustingly long wait for dinner we lined the paths of Hyde Park and decided to treat EVERYONE that walked passed with a celebrity welcome, rushing to greet them and hi-fiving and hugging randoms. "Spreading the love" as it were. The nuns watched with amusement and loved what we were doing. Growing up a devout Catholic in such a diverse world, it's comforting to know that there's so many people who share what you believe! Seriously, this has been the best way to meet people - run up to them and hug them! They were all so lovely! I would speak more about it but I am so exanimate at the moment and I have to practice my reading for tomorrow!

Okay, really have to get to bed.

Oh yeah! OMG The train home! We were the loudest carriage! Singing and dancing with all these Iraqi pilgrims! They were so fun!! PARTY ON THE TRAIN GUYS!

I am VERY impressed with the CityRail. They're actually succeeding. I applaud them! :)

Until tomorrow!

Dana xoxoxox

WYD DAY 1

2008-07-16T00:23:00.002+10:00

Tuesday 15th July 2008

Day 1 of World Youth Day, Sydney Australia

Receive the Power. The theme of World Youth Day, today it was evident to me for the first time in my whole World Youth Day experience ever since last year that the 'Holy Spirit' is truly evident in the youth of THE WORLD. Today was superfluously transcendental, beyond anything I have ever experienced. There was people from several countries en masse. It took us two to three hours to walk from Wynyard Station to Barangaroo because it was so packed! We were like - to use the cliched analogy - sardines packed in a can! Luckily we had the Croatian people who are accomodated at our Parish singing their songs with their drums, tambourines and guitars. Not to mention, their Croatian flag aprroximately the size of a basketball court. Damn those songs are catchy. There was even a skywriter in the sky writing "Welcome." Once it finished, everyone cheered and waved to the helicopters overhead. It was amazing, there was an exodus of youth from around the world, derived from so many nations - various that I had never encountered previously. For example, we met these people from Aruba. Aruba! In the Caribbean! I had never even heard of it before. A multitude of flags from upteen nations waved in a sea of international patriotism. Everyone was proud of their country, from the Aussies constantly crying "Aussie, Aussie, Aussie - OI OI OI!!" to the Mexicans yelling, "MEHICO MEHICO MEHICO!!" The general atmosphere was mind blowing. Although I think there existed not only pride but an underlying joy and gratitude that this faith of ours has dissented across this globe. Such an atmosphere of joy, love, geniality and of course - youth.

With the Croatians and their bellowing musicality, the office workers from George street were in a daze, taking out their camera phones snapping photos and videos of us. We waved as we passed, especially at the helicopters. Beach balls were being thrown and we randomly conversed to international friends, learning different languages. The office people found it highly amusing, and were throwing us lollies out the window. It was so cool. Barangaroo itself was huge. I saw Cee!!! She was so cute coming up and running to me, we found people we knew and met TONNES of people from around the world and got them to sign our flag. The atmosphere there was so amazing like in the concert after the mass, you could just dance with randoms and that would be cool, you could dance, sing, sway, start a Conga line and learn dances from every nation you could think of just because you wanted to and people would not care. They'd join right in with you! I made so many new friends! Not to mention, we should alter the name of WYD from WYD to "Hot Catholics of the World Unite!" *wink wink Greta* (American/Croatian/French Pilgrims - highly ATTRACTIVE). It was such an awesome concert with Guy Sebatstain, Gary Pinto, Paulini and Damien Leith. Everyone was moshing and enjoying the music.

The mass itself however although long, it was quite excellent. The songs went forever but they were sung beautifully - it was reverent and a hush of solitude had swept over everyone. Kneeling though was an ABSOLUTE KILLER. That concrete was harsh on the knees. I liked the Homily though, very age appropriate. BUT OMG. Kevin Rudd speaking Tagalog was HILARIOUS! He did apologise though, which made it even funnier! I swear there was so many filos there! We even saw filos from Canada! The Italian and Austrian people were so cute! LOL When Kevin Rudd addressed everyone in German the heap of German people in front of us were going "Awww, he's alright." A very so-so accent. But it was pretty cool of him to address us in various languages. The food was OK. Of course we were served meat pies, typical Aussie Cuisine. Dinner was... interesting. We were served chicken curry in POUCHES. When I first saw it I was like: "WHAT is THAT!" I swear it resembled spontaneous re-examined food choices aka vomit. But it wasn't too bad. Mind over matter.

LOL Got to meet up with Francisco and all these other people which was excellent, hadn't seen them in a while. Oh yeah, and I was on the huge screen! The guy captured this huge close up of me singing 'Recive the Power' ROFL. I couldn't believe it! It was such an awesome night! Going home was even more of an experience as these few pilgrim girls crowded around the window of this bar and started singing Spice Girls along with the bar music. The Canadians had also commented that the city was very beautiful! So point 1 for Sydney! This day has simply been overwhelming! I know that I'm absolutely knackered but I can't wait until tomorrow. Dancing with randoms is fun lol! We missed the fireworks but it was okay, the train ride home was peaceful but lol at Wynyard station I started the chant. Darren's like "How do I start a chant? I dunno how to start a chant!"

Me: "Like this: GIMME AN O!"

Short silence... "Um O!"

Me: "GIMME AN A!"

YOUTH GROUP: "A!"

Me: "GIMME A S!"

YOUTH GROUP: "S!"

"GIMME AN I!"

"I!"

"GIMME AN S!"

"S!"

"WHAT'S IT SPELL!!!!!?????"

"OASIS!!!!!!"

Me: "See Darren, that's how you start a chant."

Jay: "Ha, the Velascos start everything"

LOL.

Gotta go. Have to straighten my hair - for practical reasons. It will be SO much more managable that way. Curly hair is just too stressful amidst all this! xD So I have to go, takes an hour and a half! Tomorrow, Catechesis and lunch!! And of course YOUTH FESTIVALS! Can't wait to meet more people! There was so much energy there, unbelievable!

Until tomorrow!

- Dana xoxoxox

Confirmed fears

2008-07-09T16:03:00.003+10:00

I discovered something today.

Something which upset me, greatly.

I knew it though, I'm not as gullible or as faithful as everyone thinks, anymore. It simply confirmed my fears, an underlying thought I knew but didn't want to believe. I've been noticing things, several things, about people. They don't think I notice, but I do. They don't think I care. I always have. Maybe me being self-centered and conceited has been my defense mechanism against that - because I didn't want to see the truth. I wanted to be ignorant. I didn't want to know that deep inside, I neglected - FAILED to help someone I loved.

That hurt. But being as pathetic as I am, I couldn't confront the truth, and so I maintained my ignorance, my conceitedness, my wild fantastical stories centred on me - because I knew that if I kept them entertained enough, maybe we'd all just forget that like an iceberg, regardless of what's on the surface there's a depth beneath people that nobody sees until you hit it - and the next thing you know you're sinking like the Titanic. That's when you realise that they've been sinking all along and you've done absolutely nothing to stop it - you're too caught in your own life, own hopes, own dreams, own damn relationships.

Truth hurts. Like a bitch.

But I'm NOT going to be ignorant any longer.

Defenstration and Trivia Nights

2008-07-06T21:36:00.002+10:00

OOO Been busy, busy, busy this week! So preoccupied with fundraising and the Trivia Night! It was such a success and we received our Youth Group jackets just in time for World Youth Day! (I love it! They have pockets EVERYWHERE! You could probably smuggle heroin into Bali with those things and they wouldn't discover it! ... okay, terrible analogy.)Oh my goodness! So hectic. (I'm culminating a severe attempt to cease my constant utterance of OH MY GOD. Mum intends for me to live a life with 'grace,' lol okay. Especially with WYD on the horizon) You know who else will be 'out of action?' (Man if I had that emoticon that Lorraine gave me, I'd totally exploit it right now). Anyway, I seriously don't know how I'll be able to appropriately 'holiday,' and I mean holiday as a verb with four assignments to accomplish in one week and to movie marathon with friends, venture to the city, go out, meet friends and RELAX before HSC English Trials, finals and the extension Major Work... and okay this is an inappropriately long sentence.

Trivia Nights are so engaging! It would have been MUCH better and less 'tense' had someone NOT attended. I saw him enter the door with his parents so I ran to the kitchen and keenly offered any assitance I could (slicing the cakes for tea). To be frank, I felt safer to a great degree, out of the main action and knife in hand. Seriously, that boy is psychotic and he literally scares the shit out of me. Is that the type of person I attract? Psychos? *Shudder* So we were on different tables on vastly opposing sides of the hall and what does he do? He sits at our bloody table beside me. Thank G- I mean, thank the heavens that Carissa was there or I'd be perpetually trapped there with him and his profoundly disturbing drawings, dark aura and eccentricities that are beyond eccentric.

I am terrified of him, and I believe that he's not letting me go. He admitted to LOUIE of all people, my little seven year-old brother that if he had a sniper rifle he'd shoot us all. Something is gravely diturbing about him, and I really don't wish to see him at all or at World Youth Day. I think that his presence would degrade the general enjoyment/spiritual enlightenment deplorably. I don't mean this in a mean way, but he needs help. I don't think any event with me present especially, would be beneficial to him at all.

In other news, I am writing once more! I love it! I'm writing again, my second chapter is finally reaching that 2000 word mark. Of course it still needs some severe editing, to refine my style and technique, at the moment the vocabulary is so plebian it might as well be Twilight or something. I'd like to venture beyond that. The 'romantic' element of the plot is culminating, I just hope I don't forget all the ideas I had in my head! Finally it's coming along, you have no idea how good it feels to slide back into writing again. It's like welcoming an old friend or family member.

Oh my word, do you know what my mum just did? She bloody REMINDED me to do my schoolwork. AS ID IT'S NOT ON MY MIND ALREADY. WHAT THE HELL DID THIS BLOG POST BEGIN WITH??? I KNOW MOTHER, WHAT YOU THINK I'M AN INCOMPETENT STUDENT THAT I NEEEEEDDD REMINDING TO FINISH MY WORK THIS WEEK BEFORE WORLD YOUTH DAY. I'M SORRY BUT WHAT THE FUCK!! I KNOW!! GOSH. YOU DON'T THINK THAT I DON'T KNOW THAT?

AS IF I NEED REMINDING I DON'T THINK THAT I'S BE EVEN ABLE TO FREAKING RELAX THESE HOLIDAYS BECAUSE OF MY WORK LOAD. GOSH NOW JUST BECAUSE I STARTED WRITING AGAIN THAT'S IMMEDIATELY CONDUCIVE TO ME BEING COMPLETELY IRRESPONSIBLE AND NOT COMPLETING MY WORK? WHAT THE HELL MOTHER? YOU SEE HOW HARD I WORK, YOU SEE HOW I WORK EVERY NIGHT. NOW THE SECOND I RELAX FOR ONCE YOU REMIND ME TO DO MY WORK?? WHAT THE FUCK!

LIKE I DON'T FREAKING KNOW! FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!

Until freaking next time -

- deeh xoxox

I feel too accosted right now to continue my train of thought.

I want to defenstrate something. No SOMEONE. I'd defenstrate him, and I might defenstrate my mother. Urgh! How could she think that I don't know!!!!! URGH1!!

KNOW YOUR WORDS BEFORE YOU USE THEM

2008-07-04T16:18:00.002+10:00

Honestly, what is happening with language these days?

It's utterly preposterous! When you intend use a word against someone at least know the definition of said word to avoid offending the opposing party or appearing to be an idiot!

EXHIBIT A: LIE

KNOW WHAT A LIE IS BEFORE YOU CALL ME A LIAR.

Misinterpreting information is not lying. Being unable to decipher a stupid timetable is not a lie. I am sincerely sorry for having passed on the incorrect information to you, but please do not promulgate me as a liar! That is utter catachresis! I know I'm not perfect but I at least TRY not to lie. Honestly. Let's explore the definition of 'lie' shall we?

Dictionary.com

A false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood.

See that? "deliberate intent to deceive" My alleged intent was non-existent!! Yes what I said was a false statement - BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THAT! That's how I interpreted that bloody timetable, my apologies.

Would you like a second opinion?

Wordnet.princeton

tell an untruth; pretend with intent to deceive

"Intent to deceive" THAT SEEMS TO KEEP POPPING UP DOESN'T IT!

Gosh, perhaps reading a dictionary would actually be beneficial to some people.

That's my rant for today.

Until next time -

- deeh xoxox

P.S Privatisation is soon! I'll be as censored as Russian Literature under Stalin soon!

Privacy

2008-07-03T15:42:00.002+10:00

I am about to privatise my blog for the main reason that people I do not wish to read my blog have discovered it and are currently in the process of voraciously reading it.

So a message to all of you out there (i.e people at school), soon, unless I authorise it, you can't read it.

This is post is mainly for courtesy reasons. For people like you Raz, I do care that you read my blog (not that it's anything of real substance, I feel pathetic because such deep individuals are reading my stupid blog about some freaking guy, my apologies) so just a note, because there is no way for me to contact you at the moment. So if anyone would like to continue reading my blog, please send me a message/comment or something with your email so I can add you to my invitations list.

P.S Something of substance will be up soon. I just don't have the time for emotional catharsis at the moment I'm afraid.

Until next time -

- deeh xoxox

Tumultuous Rollercoaster Rides

2008-06-28T13:53:00.002+10:00

of emotions.

Not only am I suffering a rollercoaster ride of emotions (pardon the cliche metaphor), but it is during my week of equivocal and highly painful ovarian activity and thus my hormones are fluctuating like they're all bipolar or something. Now, previously he informed me that he'd be attending and I was like OMFG freaking out for the whole entire day and everyone was so excited and ecstatic, especially during THE MOST unproductive Japanese lesson ever experienced when all we could discuss was Dana-san's soon-to-be BOIFURENDO. Which isn't likely to happen anyway. Also my fellow ladies of sophistication were discussing it very animatedly in Legal Studies yesterday (which I feared whilst I was English, a fear had I confirmed when Steffie approached me with a very knowing excitement behind her glowing orbs). I was becoming excited/nervous/nerves on the fray in addition to PMS-ing and my ovaries/uterus going into some form of electric shock therapy wherein which I experience sporadic jolts of pain. So there we were planning my outfit in religion in which we collectively contrived a cute/sophisticated ensemble for him. I WAS GOING TO WEAR MY LBD, and still am. Ah my apologies dear readers, for I must inform you upon what indeed happened last night.

Catastrophe ladies and gentleman. I had napped last night to alleviate my weary mind from the taxing associations with school and family and friends and whatnot who were badgering me with sexually implied comments in regards to tomorrow(tonight) night. In any case I wake to find a text beeping on my phone, and who is it but him apologising profusely at his inability to attend tonight. T_T Shock, devastation and epic fail! I am upset, of course I am, eveyone says that he's standing me up. I don't think so, at least he informed and I understand his reason completely (although my uncle thinks it's bullshit and ergo the only conclusion we can arrive to is that he's "a poof," which I highly doubt) - besides he's making it up to me lol. But I shall remain the Pragon of Poise and Tower of Feminist Strength for we are irrepressible irresistible women who can and will function without men.

Ah alas, indeed I have realised that inconsequential to whatever sect of spatial equality a man may originate from, even in the upper echelons of society, men will always be GUYS. Regardless, I am wearing my LBD and having a good time. Nevermind. I have other things to think of, such as Philippine politically revolutionist fiction. Now THAT'S interesting and worth my while. You know what I realised last night? That despite my feminist ideals, domestic activities and stereotypically 'female' duties are HIGHLY therapeutic. I baked three cakes last night and washed the dishes and that was highly therapeutic for me, very relaxing and calming all the while I listened to Fergie's 'Labels or Love' because I needed a song like that at that moment. It was very coincidental I must say as Libby had supplied me with this wonderful link with these lovely Jimmy Choo/Dolce and Gabbana pumps and boots which although looked quite painful were very cute.

Yet, I must return to my Philippine Revolutionist Fiction (Jose Rizal's Noli Me Tangere)and complete my studying for my English Exam.

My aplogies ladies and gentleman, this was not of substance. Just my bitching about the dramas of teenage life.

Until next time -

- deeh xox

P.S I wish to find a more enlightening skin.

Simply Terrible

2008-06-26T00:31:00.000+10:00

Goodness, I haven't been blogging anything of substance as of late.

My apologies.

When I make the time, all shall be possible.

Until next time -

- deeh xoxox

OMFG

2008-06-26T00:24:00.002+10:00

THIS IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT AND I TOTALLY HAVE TO DO MODERN BUT.

OMFG!

OMFG!

OMFG!

OMFG!

I'm so excited! I must say it in Japanese!

Bueiru-kun wa denwabango wo watashini kureru!!!!!

Dyz, you were there to receive the brunt of my excitement and bubbling joy.

Here's a better one

2008-06-09T23:45:00.001+10:00

Catwoman/Sweeney Todd Ensemble

2008-06-09T23:05:00.002+10:00

s:
I wonder...what does failure taste like....but,youll know...so tell me ...Tell me what you cherish most..Give me the pleasure of taking it away...
.: dana. de3h - almost died Tokyo Drift style!! says:
lol I'll tell you what it tastes like. It tastes like yanking John Roe's cashmere scarf and strangling him with it!
really, who cares about design elements. moony rocks says:
ahahaahhahaha, is that the ajudicator name?
.: dana. de3h - almost died Tokyo Drift style!! says:
yes!! Any old man with a chasmere scarf beware! I am the serial yanker in search for John Roe! And I WILL HAVE MY JUSTICE.
really, who cares about design elements. moony rocks says:
deeh
.: dana. de3h - almost died Tokyo Drift style!! says:
I just had a vision of me in my catwoman outfit climbing rooftops and yanking the cashmere scarfs of random men walking across the street like sweeney todd yelling "ARE YOU JOHN ROE!"

EPIC FAILURE ladies and gentlemen EPIC FAILURE

2008-06-06T00:19:00.000+10:00

This is how my lovely day at History Debating and Hurlstone progressed, however dear readers, I must caution you: COLOURFUL LANGUAGE (and a certain uncharacteristic bitchiness) will most likely ensue. This will be long, as I will go into extreme and gory detail.

How am I feeling at the moment? So demoralised like Japan without its Emperor Hirohito.

How did my day begin? Excellently, actually. How did it end? Disastrously.

This morning I woke up with nothing but victory and success on my mind I was breezing through the morning singing “V-I-C, V-I-C, V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! Victory! Victory is our cry!” Despite the fact that I had a grand total of three hours of sleep and arose bleary-eyed like corey worthington with a hangover (I do despise this bloke SO MUCH and how he besmirches the name of teenagers everywhere – he doesn’t deserve capitalisation!!) I had showered and dressed immaculately, gathered my hair in a French Twist and did my make up perfectly. I was like a glimmering stallion on race day – I was Makybe Diva at the Melbourne Cup. Although we had to be at Westmead at an ungodly hour and I had an obscene amount of coins weighing my purse I was like –yeah! We can do this! We’re prepared! Evidently I was optimistic and continued to be optimistic all the way down to Hurlstone Agricultural in freaking Glenfield which is literally out in whoop-whoop land – I had never been in that direction, it was like we required a passport just to traverse there.

Anyway, we stepped off the train and suddenly there’s like this herd (pardon the pun) of Hurlstone students exiting the train. It was like Marist and McAuley at Westmead station only exemplified because Glenfield is about the size of a peanut. There was literally this exodus of students inundating the stairs and we had to walk up their asphalt pathway (does not compare to King’s at all! I’d rather almost tripping on the grass any day!) bypassing these bizarre archaic agricultural instruments on the way to their main office – which mind you was like a mission to get to. Thank God for the invention of signs and the very hospitable students. Quite frankly, despite the relatively dodgy state of their school, the students were very magnanimous and hospitable and apparently according to their office trophy-case, excellent horse breeders. O_O

Omitting all the tedious formalities, here we are at 9:25am, T-minus five minutes to total destruction. I swear I think Hurlstone had an intimidation tactic up their sleeve, they sent students as spectators and the year ten history classes to watch. So quite literally we were so engulfed with Hurlstone I felt like a bloody reject (once again, I am comfortable at King’s another reason why our expatriation off to whoop-whoop land was so unjustified). The only thing that calmed me down at that point was quite frankly a marvellous conversation with the time-keeper about Dostoevsky. (Ok how much of an ENGLISH NERD did I sound like just then – I was calmed down by discussing Russian Literature. Gosh, deeh, you are unbelievable). In short: we lost.

Ok, now here is the part when I become really bitchy and rant, and I apologise for any colourful language or enraged assertions I will make at this point, but that loss was poignant to me I wanted to literally shove my pen up my nose and bang my head on the table like that girl in Japan who did it with a pencil as she was unable to handle the pressure. We lost upon the stupidest reason – I swear to God that senile adjudicator, John Roe needs to just walk off a cliff or something or re-educate himself on how to adjudicate correctly – we lost on TECHNICALITY. Because we spoke OVERTIME. I’ll take that into consideration, however when you look upon the debate as a whole, we totally kicked their ass. It was so bleeding obvious that we lucidly had won, our arguments were thoroughly (PAINSTAKINGLY) researched – literally we left no stone unturned. Our arguments were titanium steel – our refutations were flawless we spent SIX WEEKS on that debate. We went to the State Library!!! We had expected the team to have a good quality argument. Instead, their argument was so poorly researched and NOT SUBSTATNTIATED may I add (No use of historians or historical facts – pure assertion!) Their refutations consisted primarily of speculation and their arguments were all over the place. Their third speaker was horrible! He stuttered and lost his place and confused his palm cards and said nothing of substantial matter. Then you have Libby who TORE DOWN their case like it was a discarded catalogue left out on a wet day. Literally she shredded them to pieces (we all did) as their arguments were so basic it was laughable (lol but we did employ the strategy of pretending to verse a team of Vales here, and the Hurlstone team did not even compare). And yet we lost on the bullshit reason that we spoke too long and that the other team didn’t. Well, the only reason why they didn’t is because they had no argument or research to fill the time! We went over time because we were so prepared. I swear we annihilated them like the tanks of Tiananmen Square!

What absolutely shits me is that they didn’t even know what side they were on! That ignoramus of an adjudicator said “which is why I give it to the affirmative” and they’re like – what? Is that us? God, I wanted to shoot her. Violent intentions aside, I was so demoralised and shattered. Literally my pride and dignity was so shattered it was all over the floor. This was our fundamental debate. We knew that no matter what happens – no matter if we lost the other two the Japan one would be our definite win because we were so meticulous and prepared. But no we lost on the (excuse me) fucking bullshit basis of time constraints. Everyone – including ALL the Hurlstone spectators and history students had approached us saying that we should have won. The chairperson and time keeper said that we should have won – they even made little arrows on their notes saying “They’re going to win.” The Hurlstone team, the opposition themselves and their friends approached us saying that we should have won – everyone in that room except for stupid John Roe! He was telling us why we lost and everything with his black scarf around his neck with the label “cashmere” emblazoned on the front and all I wanted to do was grab it and strangle him with it! He can just die by a cashmere noose! That’s a dignified death for you!

Anyway, so there was our team and school pride lying in tatters and all I wanted to was bloody commit suicide by shooting myself in the uterus! I was demoralised I did not care anymore. That utter loss, gosh, I wanted to commit seppuku and hara-kiri myself like the Japanese War General Anami after he signed the surrender. Usually I can take defeat, I’m fine with defeat because usually I can say okay “This is where we went wrong, this is why we lost, I know why we lost” and I am able to fault myself, but this, this is just – urgh there are no words. We all agree as a team, that such a travesty would not have occurred at King’s. There they base their adjudication upon historical matter, not freaking time constraints! I am lodging an appeal! (*ahem*)

Then there was a short recess where in which we licked our wounds in a spectacularly bitchy fashion. Hurlstone had these lovely apple crumble pieces however, once again, they do not compare to the delightful assortment of fruit and those indulgent chocolate muffin things King’s has. One of these days, I will commit other acts of espionage and steal the recipe from their kitchens. *devious look* In short we didn’t care about the contemporary historical film one, having had our pride utterly destroyed as though it were the twin towers and we were defeated again to William Clarke. Now whatever pride I had managed to salvage off the proverbial floor was completely eradicated then as we lost to this newbie school whom of which had never debated before. It cuts me that I was a semi-finalist, Libby is a debating machine and Stef had done this before, and Greta was a good public speaker we were the McAuley dream team and we lost on the basis of ONE LINE. We lost on the fact that we failed to refute this one sentence. But I could tell that the debate was EXTREMELY close though because the two adjudicators took quite literally, half an hour to decide. All the while waiting I wanted to jump out the window or shoot myself in the uterus.

But the girls from William Clarke were really nice, very polite and delightful women and approached us saying that we should have won despite that they were also challenging. Once again, the adjudication was ludicrous. I honestly do wish them luck in their future debates as they were so kind and approachable. LOL they said that didn’t know how to refute because of our extended vocabulary and internally I was rejoicing because I was like “Yep! That was the intention!” I harnessed my English-prowess! Yet again I was bleeding on the crags of defeat. Last night my parents recognised my stress and offered me sauvignon blanc. LOL! I wanted that sauvignon blanc at that very moment. It was like history debating version of Sophie Delezio’s life story. First we were burned and suffered and annihilated into critical condition and then WHAM! CAR CRASH! Like a double-whammy, kick ‘em while their down, utter humiliating situation. But we soldiered on into the final debate.
By that time we were utterly exhausted like you don’t understand. We were so incomprehensibly wrung out that I just wanted to cry and go home. But we won. How funny is that? But I did have THE BIGGEST HEART ATTACK OF MY LIFE when Greta accidentally switched the allocation and I thought that she was saying my arguments and that we had the exact same speech. It turns out she didn’t, but for a minute during the debate I think my heart stopped beating, and suicide was just a pen away. We ended on a positive note however. Dammit, I wanted to make the quarters and semi’s!! I was in it to WIN IT this year, it’s the only reason why I sacrificed my sanity and eye-sight and endured the unending masses of bullshit and illness. Seriously as soon as I arrived home I changed and collapsed onto my bed, and when I woke up I had a chest infection (and still do) so bad that it HURTS TO BREATHE. I am so ill from receiving an average of 3 hours sleep every night that I can feel the pain radiating in every single one of my alveoli. (lol, year 8 science)
What an inexorably shit-arse day. Please, excuse my language. Anyway I bought my comfort food and slowly ate my way into an msg-related death, I went shopping, not that that’s relevant and slept. Thus the highlight of my day. I want to retreat into a hole and cosy up with my Dostoevsky. Although it was very interesting to see how everyone dealt with their grief, in a totally unethical ambitious science project sort of way, it was interesting to witness our grieving process. There was Greta who comforted everyone and distracted herself, Stefanie who rattled on about needing 500kg of Oolong tea to calm her down, Libby had a quiet yet mournful shroud enveloping her with a dark ambience and I, I had my anger and violent intentions like the fiery Aries that I am (not that I believe in superstition anyway). The train ride home had been eventful though, it was an ultimate bitchfest (to be frank) about the injustices of John Roe!

Gosh, okay I didn’t know how bitchy this blog was. My sincerest apologies but venting was in order. I will now proceed to rummage through the pantry for chocolate as I salvage my dignity from charred ruins of our history debating failure.
On a positive note, I won’t to work myself into exhaustion anymore. :) Now I can focus on my Modern historical Investigation and my Extension English seminar.... oh joy. LOL.

I SINCERELY HOPE THAT YOUR DAY WAS BETTER THAN MINE.

P.S There was a hilarious occasion though when halfway through Libby’s refutation she inserted an inside joke and simultaneously we cracked up so hard. Although silently of course. We crying and shaking in our seats in effort to contain ourselves and our laughter. I swear I hadn’t laughed so hard since Dyanne made that joke about Brendan Nelson during Rudd’s sorry speech.

It's still bothering me

2008-05-14T21:23:00.002+10:00

...how he was flirting with me and I didn't even realise it. And when I finally did it was SIX DAYS LATER.

I am still astounded at the density of my brain. Just because I don't think in primarily sexual innuendo - gah!

Lo and Dyz picked it up so easily.

EVEN MANTHEY DID!!!!

Oh.

Well.

IF.

IF HE WAS indeed flirting,then at least I know that he cares :P

REALLY!!!! SHORT.

2008-05-14T01:10:00.002+10:00

WHY MUST I BE SO DENSE!!!!!

SO DENSE IN FACT THAT IT TOOK ME SIX DAYS TO REALISE THAT THE OBJECT OF MY AFFECTIONS MAY HAVE JUST BEEN -
ARRGGGH!!

WHY!!!

Note: this is the cleansed, edited version.

My mellow Tuesday - EXAMS ARE OVER!!

2008-05-13T17:24:00.000+10:00

Um to those that actually read this, congratulations - you've manage to endure the crap that are my blogs. I'm bored, so I post them, or I'm attempting to surmount a writer's block here, so still I post them. Well, how was the Modern History Exam, everyone? Good? Bad? A-Okay?

Personally, it was much easier than I had previously anticipated. =D There were only "Discuss" and "Describe" questions, which was quite simplistic, if you ask me. I was becoming to enthralled with writing up the Kennedy question because I loved that topic, and I think he's awesome. So, anyway all in all the Exam was quite good, the questions weren't too hard "Describe the role of Martin Luther King in the Civil Rights Movement of 50's and 60's"? That was a little too easy if you ask me, and rather broad. Only I had been so relieved about finishing the exam that I had forgotten my entire folder of Modern notes, and classwork up there in the Morley Centre, and had went through three teachers in order to find it - only to discover that it was left on the History Co-ordinator's desk. LOL She thinks we're best buds or something. Although, I am indebted to her for rearranging the entire bloody timetable just so I could actually study Modern, in the first place. I really do hope she doesn't take a peek at it. I have sloppily unfinished work in there.... and stuff not handed in... and remnants of Miss R's incompetent teaching... crap, I really have to retrieve that folder soon.

Okay, well, I'm rambling.

Today, I had every intention of sleeping in, but NO. Louie had to be crying for some unintelligible reason which was like a bloody alarm clock. But anyway, my dad and I went to the bank today and I opened an account. LOL, I'm serious, and then had to inform the lady (whose name was Jan - I think that's a little cliche) that I lost my tax file number years ago...In any case, it's all due to my mum's passionate desire to have me embark on this endeavour into internet businesses and have me selling my stories/photography online and hoarding zillions of dollars from it. Hmmm, self-employed at 16, wouldn't that be lovely? I only wish that I actually possessed the time to invest in such a project.

In any case, in such spare time, I've managed to rewrite the opening of Chapter 2, I am much more satisfied with it now! :) I feel the need to edit Chapter 1, though. Also did a little History Debating, after that debacle the other week that left me with a massive coronary with that extra debate and I'm freaking out. We can do this, intense historical discussion will indeed ensue. And I've got that English speech landed upon me like a freight train, and that's also due. I wish there was an onomatopoeic word to indicate a 'sigh.' Well, I have to go soon and pick up Louie again from Basketball training, I already had to walk up there once to pick him up from school and endure the honking and whistles from those horny/perverted labourers in their utes or those people in their suped up WRX's with their head stuck halfway out the window. It's not like I was wearing anything provocative anyway, gah I hate walking up reservoir road. I'm rambling again, and going on this freaky nonsensical tangent so I'll refocus.

I felt so deprived yesterday afternoon I had been SOOOO looking forward to having a celebratory viewing of 'Fight Club' once exams were over. But NO. TJ has been unavailable, and so I spent Monday night in an abysmal tedium (is that even a word?). Oh and I recently received an email from my cousin in America with a video attached. The video is like totally praising my family and their military efforts which I think, kicks-ass. Congratulations to my cousin Jeremiah, though on becoming - what was it? I'll check again - he was "promoted from Marine Sergeant to 2nd Lieutenant" pretty cool. Also my uncle who's a retired Navy Officer, my aunt who was in the US army and my illustrious grandad was there, in Phoenix to see him receive his medal. LOL my grandfather was receiving this full profile and praise, and I was like -WHOA I didn't know that! I mean I knew he assisted the American war effort in the Philippines by decoding Japanese plans and climbed to Lieutenant Colonel in Philippine airforce - but I had no idea that he became a geurilla fighter at age FOURTEEN. I mean, the man was living in my house just last month before they went back to the states - HOW COULD I NOT KNOW THAT?

Watching that video makes me go shiiiiitt... my family is cool. LOL. My cousins and aunts were featured on that vid, I think that's awesome. Anyhoo, I'm quite tired from having to ferry back and forth from Louie's basketball so I'll end this soon.

ROFLMAO. I just received a call from Tim, and he's stuck at Penrith! LOL he fell asleep from Central to Penrith on the train, so I'm assuming he'd be late. (Insert 'sigh' sound here). I should be returning to the Himalayas worth of work I have stacked up here...

Ciao, ciao my loves,
Until next time -

- deeh xox

4:48am supervising inebriated teens. Joy.

2008-04-26T18:01:00.002+10:00

This was taken from my Myspace Blog. I know. A rarity.

Hello, if you're actually reading this then wow, welcome to my life. This is how my fruitful ANZAC Day transpired.

If you're still reading, congratulations.

I am currently bored out of my mind here, the fact that I'm using my 'Myspace' Blog is evidence of that. This is seriously unhealthy and transforming me into a nocturnal creature but I gave my word to my mother that I'd supervise them downstairs, provide plastic bags and tupperware if they require a place to project their spew into or tissues, or money for cabs. Why do I, barely 16, currently need to supervise a bunch of 18/19 year olds?

It was Tim's 18th birthday bash. Yay. I was bracing myself for this, as were my parents, and we had incredibly valid reason to. Tim's quite the popular guy, you see. Very popular. Earlier my backyard was transformed into the epitome of teenage partying and all manner of adolescent horror. It was Absinthe, Jim Beam, Johnny Walker, Black label, Smirnoff, Absolut galore! Hmm, terrifying. Now I'm disputing anything against alcohol, I mean sure, it's a social lubricant, it instigates the party - oh whoops there Tim goes again - I better check on him, make sure he doesn't choke on his own... stomach content. Back, and the guys downstairs wanted cereal. Odd. It's 5am, nice and early breakfast. Anyway, I digress, as I was saying. The backyard turned into a nightclub - I am quite serious - could you blame them though? The DJ was awesome. Tim went out frequently to buy drinks etc. pick up people.

The girls were the first to go. Joan was just goooone. She doesn't usually like drinking but she has a rather petite physique so I wasn't surprised that she was lolling around quite quickly. I then had to spend the night comforting her because she was so upset about not letting her parents see her in that sordid condition. She also requested no help from my mother because she didn't want to taint her 'good girl' reputation, I mean hey, I wouldn't either. Her younger brother was also so cute taking care of her. She was the first to throw up. In times like these I wish so terribly that we had a second toilet downstairs. There was a spewing line, if that's what you could call it. Of girls. We had to provide seats along the hallway for girls too inebriated to stand and wait for our crowded bathroom. There were girls in the lounge room lolling around their boyfriends too drunk to even slur a sentence together. It reminded me distinctly of those nineteenth century 'fainting rooms' for women who had to go in and faint because their corsets were depleting their oxygen consumption. Like Elizabeth Swan in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Tim was so smashed, I really can't find another word for it, shitfaced would suffice too. Anyway, he was so far gone he didn't even look drunk anymore. He looked stoned. Stoned to the point that Krish (his wonderful, wonderful girlfriend, he is SO lucky to have her) was very concerned that there could have been drugs at this party. (I doubt it, my parents were monitoring). But seriously, even his vanity could not revive him from his drunken stupor (We tried telling him that he was fat, and gay, but he just gave us the thumbs up). It would be hilarious had I not been so concerned. Then he threw up all over the couch. We managed to grab a bowl in time, but not in time to save the blanket, or the pillows, or his very nice shirt. We managed to clean him up all right - but guess who had to take out the towel, and the blanket and the pillows? Me! Joy! And seriously, the re-examination of my older brother's recent food choices was absolutely grotesque. I was horrified. It was without a doubt, one of the most disgusting things I had ever deigned to accomplish. On a practical note however, I seriously think Tim needs to consider chewing his food more. He passed out first. Krish stayed vigilantly by his side and rubbed his back every time he had to upchuck and made sure he had enough water. etc. She's so nurturing. Anyway, evidently Tim left early for his party.

If you are still reading this, I commend you greatly for your ability to withstand the tediousness of my random drivel.

Who else consumed my time? Oh Shivon, dear, dear Shivon. She was a hilarious drunk, but the amount of times I had to see her Smirnoff and Orange juice flow from her mouth wasn't as funny. She's such a lovely girl, but when she's inebriated she's all limbs and spew and eyeballs rolling into the back of her head. We had to permanently attach the plastic bag to her ears. She was so drunk it was inconceivable. She required three people to help her walk. I was one of them. My mum just looked around with this gravely disapproving look but mopped the floor with me all the same. Poor girl, we had to drive her home. There was other drama and controversy such as this random perverted bloke from somewhere along the street taking advantage over a drunken girl (who for some unforseeable reason) decided to meander down our street alone. And drunk. Don't worry, it wasn't THAT bad but I saw the definite potential for it to become worse.

At the moment, there's about ten guys crashing in my living room, I would say sleeping, but crashing seems much more appropriate for their actions. Two of which, I am quite sure are eating cereal and I'm supervising them! Wow, I feel so mature. My mum was going to do this night vigil until they all fell asleep, but I could tell she was absolutely exhausted. So being the lovely daughter I am, I drank heaps of Coke (for the caffeine of course) and told her that I'd take over, watch over the drunkards in our living room for the night. I'm also keeping a night watch over Tim, he's spewing quite a lot and I'm really concerned. I mean hey, the first drummer of ACDC died because he choked on his own vomit. Stupid way to die, really. Idiotic. So here I am at 5:29am, I haven't slept a wink, and I'm blogging, wow, lol - random. I'm wondering about what I could do to pass the time and I should probably start on studying for English. The one subject I needed most time for, and I'm blowing it off jeez deeh, nice...nice. Well that seems like a very 'Dana' thing to do. When one is bored, study. LOL but I had better, I need to have King Lear read and analysed, like - now. Like I was meant to do it over the summer holidays, like I AM SO BEHIND!

I also need to write up the next newsletter and have it printed. Shit. Why do I take on so many extra curricular activities? I have barely started on Modern (can't think of that now) and I have History Debating to consider. I'm getting myself stressed out. I have English and English extension to do - I'll do that. Oh and my Japanese speech. Ah, shit - that too. I have spare time now, I'd better hop to it. But I feel like writing, I've finally finished and am relatively happy with my 7005 word Chapter one, and I'm currently on my second or third paragraph into Chapter Two. My dreams of becoming a novelist must wait, I guess... I'll read up on King Lear, or do Modern or something... I don't know.

I'm rambling now, and if you are reading it, wow. Just wow. You have an attention span beyond even mine. I had better check on the boys downstairs.

See you when I see you.
Until next time -

- deeh xox

Expeditions.

2008-04-17T16:08:00.002+10:00

Went to the city with my lovely mummy.

Yeah she showed me the way and everything, but then I had to venture off by myself.

THAT DAMN STATE LIBRARY AND ITS BLOODY REGULATIONS AND SYSTEMS AND RULES AND THE NEED FOR AN ID!

I shall say no more.

BUT OMG MUM! COULD YOU BE LESS EMBARASSING! I can't believe she told him! SHE TOLD HIM! GAWD SHE EMBRASSED THE CRAP OUT OF ME!

Oh and that richfgt. Jeez. Replies WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT!!! HONESTLY.

THROWS ME INTO A SPIN! I can't freaking write anymore, gaahhh.

Can't say more, don't have time but MY FIRST CHAPTER IS FINISHED!!!!!

Editing ensues!

Until next time my loves,

- deeh xox =D

Drowning ahem DRIVING Lessons

2008-04-15T15:49:00.003+10:00

Tim gave me my first unofficial driving lesson.

He let me drive up our street and turn into the driveway. It was....hmmm... HILARIOUS! I couldn't stop laughing! Yeah, I was drowning in my tears of laughter. Tim was so scared.

"Ok - break, you can step on the accelerator now... a little harder, a little harder....BREAK!!!" WHIPLASH! ROFLMAO.

I cracked up so hard, some of his instructions were so uproariously funny.

"Okay, now press the accelerator. Gently, ok, gently - gently yeah? Dont fucken floor it, alright?"

LOOOOOOL!!!!!

Sigh, sigh, sigh.

On to other things, OMG YEAH. HE'S BEEN TO JAPAN. WHY? WHY? WHY?!!!

WHY DOES EVERYONE GET TO LIVE MY DREAMS - BUT ME!

But omg, if he studies Nihongo....omg... die.

But I must go, must go - study awaits!

I want to write.

Until next time -

- deeh xox

P.S So far, Lo, dyz, jelly, jess, lana and misha are coming to my party! Can't wait for more!

Holidays have a arrived!

2008-04-13T12:14:00.003+10:00

YAY!

LOL I've become a myspace-r.

And dyz is loving it.

Damn you. I was getting excited about you losing Liebe. That would be very funny, and in all honesty, I wouldn't mind losing it. *shrug* But to the right person of course lol.

Which probably won't happen, because I only want to be his friend. (Yeah, keep telling yourself that deeh.) K. For now.

6 DAYS UNTIL I AM 16 Ye-uh!

OMG. None of you will get this but I do, and I just have to squeal it out. He's soooooOOOOOO cuuuuuuuuuuuute!!!!! GAH!!!! LOL.
o(>__________<)"o

Nya. I'll shut up now. Just shut UP DEEH!

Just his friend, just his friend.

Argghhh like a pirate.

I must go and reap the benefits of freshly discovered, holiday freedom =D

Until next time-

- deeh xox

P.S Kareshi wa mecha mecha kawaii!!!

EW.

2008-04-09T21:21:00.002+10:00

I can't believe that I just did that... that... "sigh" thing. You know, that cliche sigh that apparently all adolescent girls with a crush do?

EW.

EW. I've just been placed in that category. Oh dear GOD.

Damn him. Why did he have to be so perfect?

Anyone Know the best way to kill yourself?

2008-04-01T21:16:00.001+11:00

I should probably just get over myself and get fucked.

Can't I just walk on to reservoir road tomorrow morning and lame out there and die?

Stuff it. If there's any control I can have over my life, it's the way in which I die.

Like you said dyanne, I have completely no control over my destiny.

I think that this is the one thing that I can control.

LOL. How typical, typical, typical deeh.

YOU FUCKING CONTROL FREAK.

I'm just going to go fucking die now.

I'm not going to do it myself, is it only because I fear God?

Probably.

Wow, I'm more pitiful than I thought.

Just making a random observation

2008-04-01T20:54:00.002+11:00

Hmmm, watching blood dry is such an interesting thing. Gotta wait for it to congeal and scab or else my mum might be suspicious at marks on my clothing....

wow. It's like an old unwanted friend. Someone you need, yet loathe at the same time. Okay, maybe uneasy allies, not friends. I'm not friends with the utensils I use, I hate them. But in times like these, I need them.

Tuesdays are for crying.

2008-04-01T20:27:00.002+11:00

And now I see myself at 13 once again with the same thoughts.

I promised myself that I'd never do it again but those scissors in my pencil case are looking mighty friendly right now.

Hopeless, despondent, defeated.

The same thoughts.

Will I do it again? Hm. I'm defeated now. You've won. You hear that, cynics of the world? YOU'VE FUCKING WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm tired.

And empty. I feel as though this has been the final nail that has split me in two.

Will I do it again? I keep my promises for dignity and integrity, but do I have that anymore? Will I lose all hope for love? as misha has? I would lose all self respect that I have for myself if I do.

WOW. I think I'm losing myself respect. Am I that defeated? Maybe, yes? wow, you've guys have sure done a number on me now, you've won. You've really won, I never thought that I'd see the day where I'd look into the mirror and find myself at 13 once again, but I do now. And you know what, why not?

I'll do it again, if it gets me off this mood and into my work I will.

I live for work now. Nothing else.

Nothing.

I'm alone now. Again.

And this is the last time love will ever blind me.

Dana's gone now. And that hurts. Hurts to know that because of love I ruined that perfect day, hurts to know that because of love I was too worried and lost sleep and couldn't work at all, hurts to know that all my concern and worry was for nothing. Was at my expense. And now the essay that I should have done yesterday is something I have to do now.

Last Tuesday I found out that I was betrayed, and therefore humiliated.

This Tuesday I'm humiliated and defeated.

Ooooh I wonder what next Tuesday will bring? More humiliation? Betrayal? Death?

I look forward to it.

HEY! I'M STUPID IDIOTIC, GULLIBLE PERSON, ATTACK ME! ATTACK ME! LEAVE ME ON THE FLOOR TO DIE! KICK ME WHILE I'M DOWN! DO AS MY MUM DID! ACCORDING TO HER MY GULLIBILITY THEREFORE GIVES EVERYONE LICENSE TO TREAT ME AS A NOVELTY! GO AHEAD! I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.

If my defeat gives you pleasure, then that's wonderful, at least some fucking good comes out of this.

And I don't blame anyone but myself.

This is all my fault. I brought my own demise. I guess that my hopes were too big for this world.

I've lost my dream, drive, ambition. I'm lost now. I've lost now. You've won, cynics. You've won.

Come, next Tuesday I'm available for habitual humiliation. Come one, come all, want to see me cry? Book an appointment for next Tuesday and watch my demise.

Because everything, everything now is all my fault. Intelligent girl, no common sense. I hurt so many people because I was hurt, and that's my fault. I should have seen the signs, BUT NOOOOOO I was too optimistic, too hopeful and now. I am nothing.

If there ever will be a next time - (If I haven't jumped off the balcony by then, and rid the world of my gloomy evil)

- Nothing. deeh, doesn't really exist anymore.

xox

Intelligentsia

2008-03-31T23:36:00.001+11:00

Is a word, despite anything my Microsoft Word may think, it is a word. The aforementioned word is also, the topic of my blog today. Ah, how going to Kings is always such a lovely experience. I’ve mentioned it all before of course. The ostentatious driveway, (where we all fell over) the massive sandstone Mercy Square version, the lovely library, the lovely men. Well, guys really, but they certainly do look (an act) like men. The lovely dining hall is also nice, where I was going to drink milk for the sake of two dollars.

Remember how I was discussing whether or not, I wanted an intelligent person to be with? Well yeah, I think Kings guy is it. I’ll simply call him KG for short because I feel as though, after that whole AA debacle, I’m in fear of divulging anything anymore. However despite whatever attraction (which is abundant, may I add) that I have for him, I only want to be his friend. To coin a phrase I acquired from my cousin Angie, I’m on a man-diet. Just limiting my contact etc. And all pushiness, or whatever, I only seek to be friend’s now. If he wants something more, that’s all for the better, but I sincerely doubt it. I’m focusing on bettering myself actually and getting my life back on track, I don’t mean to become self-absorbed but I think I need of some form of detox.

Okay, now onto gushing about my day and how excellent it was. In terms of the matter and content, the information was the same, but it was still wonderful to review it all, and it got me all scared again. Brilliant. However, I in fact wish to discuss the intelligentsia that I surround myself with. I think it’s very good to be involved with other crowds of people of equal or higher intelligence than oneself. It’s very humbling and also you acquire so much knowledge from these people - it’s like the internet, this collective free sharing of knowledge and material. I love it. KG is a part of this intelligentsia. I didn’t expect to see him today, I didn’t wish to get my hopes up because... actually I just didn’t want to get my hopes up whilst on this man-diet. We saw an open classroom because McAuley was the most punctual school there, and so we entered it. We hadn’t seen anyone yet so we just stayed there. However as we were discussing Vogue (well Greta, Libby and Stef mainly) magazine (I was reading Shakespeare at the time), there he goes just walking passed. And we’re all like, “Was that (insert his name here)?”

So there I go sauntering over to the edge of the door. Anyway, Sarah was a little late so Stef (or was it Elisha?) and I volunteered to go and fetch her (I volunteered first because I knew he was standing in the hallway and of course I love to help a friend in need). There he was with speech cards in his hands, looking slightly nervous (it was quite cute). Then I thought to myself, is he debating? In fact, he was. He was debating the very topic in which we defeated him in. He was debating it with Tara, and for all the ironies in the world, he won. Although there was some eye contact during the time he was sitting, it was blissful. I was so glad that well decided to seat ourselves towards the front of the auditorium. There I sat RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM when he was speaking and I was like “Yessssss.” Of course I listened in rapt attention, drinking it all in, hanging on his every word and yet thinking constantly in the back of my mind, he is so sexy. LOL I remember that we were having a debate on if we think he's sexy or not. LOL My opinion was a minority of course but, there was a consensus that he was good-looking. Stef said that she would think that he was sexy if he wasn't so politically oriented and if he wasn't so smug, I think it works for him. But whatever. Hot or not?

Well, he was in my opinion. When he finished speaking, he was so smug and smirking at the congregation that I thought it was quite funny, how up himself he seems to be. He has this constant smirk plastered on his face, that I think is quite appealing. Because to some extent I think he knows exactly how good he is. He exudes this ultimate confidence, which I think is incredibly hot. However, my fellow debaters found his political orientations and his smug disposition quite the turn off; instead I am quite enthralled by him. He is such an intriguing character. I guess, I was so attracted, shall we say, because he was so fanon Draco Malfoy-esque. Seriously, he is so much like fanon Draco it’s uncanny and quite frightening. Wealthy, boarding school, smirk plastered across his features, oh yeah. He’s like this pimp though, surrounded within the company of Tara girls, all the time. He seems like quite the womanizer, and because I have such feminist sympathies, I am supposed to hate that kind of thing, and yet instead, I am intrigued by it.
But when I actually spoke to him, it was like. Sigh. Collapse. I joined the conversation, and he spots me immediately and like a perfect gentleman, he’s just like, “Hi I’m (insert his name here),” “Hi I’m Dana” was my surprisingly confident reply. So we were talking and everything, and despite his cockiness, he was extremely polite and complimentary. He kept saying how excellent I was, and I was just standing there dying on my own cloud of happiness. I had also forgotten how deep his voice was. Then of course, as we left he said, “It was very nice meeting you” to us, and gah!! I want to glomp him, yet I won’t in fear of ruining his pristine and no doubt high quality, immaculate uniform. OMG. Did I mention, how the senior blazer (and the senior uniform in general) had just completely exemplified his hotness? GAWD. But yeah, he’s also like in this cadet thing, God knows what, but I want to see him uniform. I swear the Kings guys, them and their uniform, I swear. They walk with their pants actually worn properly, with the correct use of a belt. And I mean using the belt to keep it on their hips and not slung around their mid-thighs or ass, or something. And their shirt sleeves are all rolled up with their bag slung over their shoulders with shiny shoes and ahhh.

And then we returned home. Apparently when walking to Westpoint with Jenny, AA was there with his friends, they walked passed us. I noticed some guys in the uniform but I doubted it was him. I didn’t look. I didn’t care, and when Jenny told me that he was looking at me, I was just like, meh. I don’t care. Honestly, it hasn’t even been a week and I’m very surprised as to how quickly I got over him. It’s been dying down for weeks now, actually and now it’s gone. I felt nothing. I’m thinking, you know, stuff him, he can’t think whatever the hell he wants about me, I don’t care anymore. I’m not ever seeing him again. If he wants to believe that cacophonous myriad of lies that tria and jess seemed to have woven, then so be it. Stuff him. I mean, I won’t deny that he will always be stunningly beautiful as Stef commented, but that’s it.
There’s no emotion attached to my admiration.

I want to be audacious this week.

Sometimes a little audacity is a good thing.

But I had an excellent, excellent day.

Now I must be off to comfort those who had a less than stellar conclusion to their day, and get to the bottom of some bullshit that seems to be circulating.

Until next time –

-deeh xox

Unscrupulous, audacious ignoramuses

2008-03-23T23:51:00.004+11:00

TJ called me a simpleton today. A SIMPLETON.

I shall go no further as he did manage to redeem himself via copious amounts of Family Guy, and my new all time favourite movie in the world:

August Rush

I swear to God, if you even remotely have a fondness for music I recommend it absolutely. Oh, and please forgive me for my lack of grammatical correctness in the previous post, as well as my spelling errors in the last post. I blame my keyboard and the fact that I was on a high.

I need an injection of inspiration. Someone! Please! Imbue me with the power to finish this essay NOW! Ok. Anyway.

On to the title. Hip-boy is a bloody - ARRGGH!!!! I REALLY WANT TO KNOCK HIS BLOCK OFF. I WANT TO HIT HIM. HARD. I WANT PUNCH SOME SENSE INTO THAT IDIOT'S HEAD. I ALREADY TOLD HIM THAT I DON'T LIKE THIM THAT WAY.

I ALREADY TOLD HIM ON HIS (I apologise for my language) FUCKING BIRTHDAY THAT I DON'T LIKE HIM. I REJECTED HIM, TO PHRASE IT BLUNTLY.

THEN WHY THE BLOODY HELL DOES HE KEEP COMING ON TO ME!! I SWEAR TO GOD HE HAS IT IN FOR ME - HE'S GOT THIS FANTASTICAL FUTURE PLANNED OUT IN HIS HEAD ALREADY! I want to get a drill bit, and drill those damn fantasies out of his head so I can move on in life and not feel uncomfortable in my youth group. Honestly the guy makes me uncomfortable. I just wanted to get one of those pots I had to carry and smash him over the head with it. Had they not been filled with Holy Water I think I would have done it. The Lord knows that I was highly compelled to.

We were talking about children this morning (as a group with Toni), and our hereditarial (is that a word? Who cares, it is now.) diseases that we may or may not be passing on to our children. I piped up that I would pity my children because I'd be passing on depression, breast cancer, diabetes and colour blindness. Then he goes "Oh don't worry about that, I'm sure your children will be fine. I don't feel sorry for them" OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, I DON'T USUALLY LIKE TO LISTEN THE GUY. Only I could so totally tell from the tone in his voice that he wanted to replace the word "your" with "our." HE WAS GIVING ME THIS CREEPY LOOK LIKE HE WANTED ME TO urgh... it's too horrible to articulate, like he wanted me to (gag)... have his babies.

DON'T GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF YOU FREAK. EVEN IF YOU WERE THE LAST LIVING MALE SPECIES ON EARTH, I WOULD NEVER, EVER EVEN CONSIDER SPAWNING SOMETHING WITH YOU. NOT EVEN IVF, OK? My future lies within the future Armani model for the Asian sect, or the future Prime Minister of Australia.

GOD. WHAT GOES ON IN THAT PERVERSE, CONVOLUTED, BIZARRE HEAD OF HIS. THAT UNSCRUPULOUS, AUDACIOUS IGNORAMUS. Now, I admire his tenacity, BUT NOT WHEN IT'S DIRECTED TOWARDS ME.

At first I was completely indifferent about him, then I thought I could give him a chance, knowing that it wouldn't work out from the beginning I let it go, then I didn't like him. Now I'm getting REALLY ANNOYED.

I swear what is up with him "Oh hi *HUG*" Excuse me? Jeez, he's getting even more touchy feely. *shudder* Dyanne, I bet you are laughing right now. My payback for Julina I'm guessing. And that wax heart? God I just wanted to grab it and chuck it vehemently into a roaring fire and watch evilly as it burned and melted like his hopes of ever being with me. KHFGKSJHDFKWNBFISHVK.KBFOSKBVWF!!!!! ARGGHHH!!!!!

gggrrr... I want a boyfriend now. So I can really say "Hey I have to leave this youth meeting early because I'm going to go meet up with MY BOYFRIEND." That's not the only reason, I'm feeling kind of lonely. In my fantasy I imagined it to be the King's boy (we're better proportioned, if you ask me, you'll find out why that's relevant) so I can ask him to rock up to a practice (where hip boy will be present) in his Mercedes (or shiny Edward Cullen S60 Volvo, damn them for changing the model of his car to a C30). And when he does, I imagine him to be standing by the church doors awkwardly, when I notice him I can shriek his name joyfully, run into his arms and glomp him, where he will then pick me up and do that romantic spinny thing. The whole lovely extravagant scene will end with a lovingly, chaste kiss. (seen by hip-boy who will then look crestfallen). Now, if that was Asian Adonis, and I glomped him, he'd fall to the floor like when Jelly did as Kim glomped her. He's lanky that boy, and I do believe that I am heavier than him. King's boy is more... tank? erm, robust. Not fat, robust.

Then in this wonderful fantasy, I'd introduce him to the youth group as MY BOYFRIEND WHO GOES TO KINGS AND WILL, AS I BELIEVE, BECOME THE FUTURE PRIME MINISTER BECAUSE HE HAS CREDENTIALS LIKE THAT, AND HE'S INCREDIBLY INTELLIGENT, AND THAT MAKES HIM SEXY. No, not really, but as my BF at least. Hip Boy will then witness how adoringly committed I am to to aforementioned Kings guy, and then HOW THE MIGHTY SHALL FALL (not that he was ever mighty in the first place). I will watch as the hopes shall melt off his face. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

I know that this is mean, but it serves him right for making that stupid mysogenistic comment in the first place. Now ahh, if only that dream could come true...and that other one I had too. ANYWAY. Hopefully I'd be able to see the aforementioned King's guy again when I go there next week. =)

Dyanne, this is what you have missed. Are you laughing? I hope you are. You seem to find these situations funny. I'm glad that you do, so at least some sense of the positive can be derived from this situation.

sigh

Until next time -

- deeh xox

P.S ENGLISH IS SUCKING OUT MY SOUL!!!!!!

Positively disgusted

2008-03-17T16:47:00.004+11:00

I am positively disgusted with my religion teacher.

Absolutely. I know she's unavailable to teach, I understand that completely however how dare she feed us with such illiterate notes blatantly plagiarised from an unreliably illiterate source. It's disgusting.

The notes she handed us with in religion, and the question that she gave us to complete were so gramatically erroneous, I wanted vomit in my mouth. I was so disgusted. She's so hypocritical, advising us that referring to the Aboriginal people as "Aborigines" was incorrect and potentially crude and offensive. Well, what does she do? She gives a question that requires us to include the phrase, "Torres Strait Islander," and she OBVIOUSLY has difficulty with her basic grammar and homophones (a skill learned in the third grade, may I add) as she had incorrectly spelled Torres Strait, as STRAIGHT. Once, I can excuse, but she did it, several times.

Also the notes handed to us were blatantly plagiarised as it had included evidence of her copy and pasting. The random phrase of "and mountains" just came out of nowhere, pertaining to no real sentence or statement, her formatting skills are incredibly under par as she evidently can't hit the enter button correctly.

I am absolutely disgusted.

How dare she provide us with such illiterate documents in the name of EDUCATION? EDUCATION FOR GOD'S SAKE. The level of grammatical incorrectness completely astounded me. There was this sentence which was so illiterate, garbled and gramatically incorrect that it left me completely incredulous. It was as though she had just yanked two sentences completely unrelated to each other from different texts and smashed them together to form an erroneous, illiterate and completely gramatically incorrect car crash. SUCH INCOMPETENCE! UNBELIEVEABLE.

I was so disgusted. I don't know how many times I can say that but at the moment I am simply too tired to rant any further. My lethargy has limited my eloquency and locution, and I am therefore unable to express my deep, deep and extreme disgust at the pathetic farcical travesty - no, TRAGEDY. THIS IS A TRAGEDY to the name of education everywhere - that, that woman deigns to call methods of education.

Inadvertently, she has just exacerbated my feelings of grave, grave dislike for her. She has given me another reason to intensely, intensely despise - ok enough of this euphemistic crap. I HATE HER and her erroneous puss-filled mire she calls notes, that cess pool of shit. I hate her sickeningly sweet perfume and that stupid air freshener she uses. IT PUTRIFIES THE AIRWAVES WITH ITS SICKENING SWEETNESS. Such a fetid, repugnant odour.

She has heinously and egregiously failed to uphold the levels of literacy, most especially grammatical-correctness that the position as a 1st class educator demands from her. I am disappointed.

Damn sanctimonious bitch.

Until next time -

- deeh xox

English notes

2008-03-05T10:45:00.002+11:00

Unexpected free. School email is down. Don't have my USB and need to somehow put this up somewhere so I can retrieve it from home. Ergo, this is the first place I thought of. Don't have much time. Can't full sentences. Gotta copy and paste. They're mine, don't copy them. :D

They're unfinished I'll finish them later but I need to get this to myself at home.

Brief notes to be utilized on Brave New World Essay Question

Discuss in further depth, the emotional poignancy and symbolism of John’s death.
1. The symbolism of his death in a lighthouse as a metaphor for him being a moral beacon to society and a warning to the dangers of their ignorance, scientific development and the general mechanisms of their society. Further discuss the emotional and psychological damage sustained by John throughout the duration of his stay in both worlds.
2. Discuss his feet pointing to the cardinal points, not only in symbolic proclamation of his message, but also constantly searching direction, even in death John is portrayed as the lost character seeking peace amidst the two extremities of the Brave New World and the Savage Reservation.
3. Example: “Slowly, very slowly, like two unhurried compass needles, the feet turned towards the right; north, north-east, east, south-east, south…”
4. Example: “Orgy of Atonement” paradox.

The bastardization of the Christian Mass in chapter 5, Part two.

1. Utilizes this to portray the wildness of his citizens. Satirical irony. The World State has abolished Christianity and any forms of religion, yet as the Christians did with paganism, ‘appropriated,’ in this case satirically bastardized its forms. Ironic ‘Solidarity Service.’
2. Example: “Twelve of them ready to be made one.” Refers to the Last Supper, Twelve apostles. Etc.
3. Christian symbols which are contraband are utilized, mocks the wild idiocy of the Brave New World. The Christian Mass which is an event of reverence, subservience and prayer is ironically portrayed here as a ceremony of uninhibited sexual pleasure and the sharing of drugs ironically like the wine which held ‘the Blood of Christ.’
4. Example: “The loving cup of strawberry ice-cream soma was passed from hand-to-hand.”
5. Example: “Made the sign of the T”

The extended bastardization of the Christian Mass and religious celebration. Lenina.

Ciao, ciao

Until next time-

- deeh xox

Student Representative Council

2008-03-02T01:07:00.003+11:00

I hate my religion teacher. There. I said it.

I hate her.

There, I said it again.

I hate her.

Oh wow, I'm getting good at this.

Anyway. I'm currently writing my SRC speech, and after a few hours I have two paragraphs. T_T This is what I have so far:

Last year I stood before you in this time and place unprepared, unrehearsed and unsuccessful. Today, I stand with you not to promote myself and not to sound “luvo,” but instead I stand here today for you with a vision to represent the homeroom that have for the past five years become the sisters I never had.

To me being an SRC is not having a position within the school. Leadership is not a position, instead it is action. In voting for someone to become SRC it is choosing to believe in the hope that action can and will take place, to help this institution become the school you want and deserve. To me, leadership is action, not position. SRC is action, not position. SRC is change, development, improvement, but most of all it is the students, for the students. It is about our peers, it is about being an open ear and a powerful voice. It is not about me, it is about all of you.

Mahatma Gandhi once advised to, “be the change that you want to see in the world.” I am ready to challenge the responsibility of facilitating that change, and I thirst to become that open ear and powerful voice for you.

That's what I have so far.

Until next time -

- deeh xox

Civil War: Feminist Pride vs Sense and Sensibility

2008-02-28T22:14:00.005+11:00

No, I am not doing a critical analysis of Austen via a feminist reading of the text. That would have been highly interesting though.

Anyhoo.

My point is: PERIOD PAIN. Last night was the worst it has been in years. I remember the last time it was that bad, I was in year 6, it was one of the first times I had gotten it and I was up ALL NIGHT clutching a hot water bottle, watching those American God shows.

Last night I seriously think that my period pain and/or feministic pride completely jeopardised my chances of receiving a decent (by my own standards) grade in modern. I didn't study. I had to do English in homeroom, before school and during lunch. WHY?

Because I hate my body! That's why! I mean, not in that anorexic way, I'm relatively content with my shape, I mean in the way that's WHY DO I HAVE TO HURT SO MUCH AND OTHER WOMEN DON'T. Hey, it could be worse - I know.

It's just that I spent 3 hours last night in an unproductive, and perhaps counter-productive stupor rolling around on my bed writhing in pain whilst I desperately clutched my pillow. I was bawling my eyes out for heaven's sake. It was like someone just grabbed two Phillip's screwdrivers, rammed them into my ovaries, twisted it around, ripped them out of my body and leaving them hanging by my fallopian tubes, then started masticate and mutilate the shit out of them by stabbing it repeatedly. It's like a heart attack of the ovaries.

My mum being very nurturing at that moment gave me panadol, and so I succumbed to the drugs. BUT THAT'S WHEN THE BACK PAIN STARTED. Sheesh.

Meh. I have to go. Heaps of homework yo!

Damn you Oswald. Damn you conspiracy theories AND DAMN MY HAND FOR NOT WRITING FAST ENOUGH.

I think when it comes to period pain, I am outlandishly masochistic. I like the pain in that way and I have no idea why.

It was funny though, there I was writhing in my bed distraught by this civil war with my body and itself, and there in comes Tim like the Swiss with a peace offering of Outback Steakhouse chips.

Veyr nice.

Comfort food.

I HAVE TO GO NOW!

O WAIT! MY PMS STATE MANAGED TO INSULT MR. GRUMBLE! Seriously. He was impressed that I was beginning to fight back, and then prattled on with some sexist bullshit about how I should be used to being subjugated as a woman. Idiot.

Rachael: "Sir," *pointing to yearbook picture* "After this photo I have completely lost any respect I had for you."

Me out of no where: "You actually respected him before?"

Until next time -

- deeh xox

"Wait. Do I have sex god genes then?"

2008-02-26T00:08:00.003+11:00

OMG I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE THAT TIM KNOWS ASIAN ADONIS AND HAS HIS NUMBER.

OMFG.

Anyway I was having this delightful conversation with dyz today about inter-racial... erm, relations due to my discovery of my ancestral heritage. Not only am I part Spanish, I am part Italian. Cool.

Anyway, here goes, hope you can decipher:

.: de3h - : Epiphany: ? assessments yo. says:
so its like filo, chinese, italian, spanish, thai, white?
.: de3h - : Epiphany: ? assessments yo. says:
how would the children look?
dyz; JERKFACE_ - bourgeois says:
HOT AS
.: de3h - : Epiphany: ? assessments yo. says:
lets hope they have their father's genes
.: de3h - : Epiphany: ? assessments yo. says:
lol
dyz; JERKFACE_ - bourgeois says:
hot, terrific at sex, good cooks and long stunnig legs.
dyz; JERKFACE_ - bourgeois says:
gorgeous silky hair
.: de3h - : Epiphany: ? assessments yo. says:
ROFLMAO
.: de3h - : Epiphany: ? assessments yo. says:
it'd be like silky and curly at the same time
.: de3h - : Epiphany: ? assessments yo. says:
terrific at sex?
dyz; JERKFACE_ - bourgeois says:
they;; be ing. it'll be like toothing for them
.: de3h - : Epiphany: ? assessments yo. says:
my children will be sex gods?
dyz; JERKFACE_ - bourgeois says:
yes
dyz; JERKFACE_ - bourgeois says:
its withthe spnsih blod
dyz; JERKFACE_ - bourgeois says:
you rmemarber the vmacprie
.: de3h - : Epiphany: ? assessments yo. says:
LOL cause we're assuming that their father is a sex god? Oh yes, bonds of blood
.: de3h - : Epiphany: ? assessments yo. says:
wait. do I have sex god genes then?
dyz; JERKFACE_ - bourgeois says:
you have the hips and the bOOOOBLES
dyz; JERKFACE_ - bourgeois says:
your kids are going ot LOOOOOOVE you
.: de3h - : Epiphany: ? assessments yo. says:
Twins
.: de3h - : Epiphany: ? assessments yo. says:
LOL.
the question of the day. "Wait, do I have sex god genes then?

EDIT: Dyanne apologises profusely for the spelling errors for if I recall, it is 12:24am and she has received a grand total of 10 hours sleep in the past three days with no caffeinated drinks.

Lethargy

2008-02-25T17:09:00.003+11:00

Too tired right now.

From the moment I woke up to the moment I came through the door, and here now as I sit - I am EXHAUSTED. I need my Reliv!! Dammit.

I was so tired this morning, I stuffed up in Jap and kept yawning, and screwed up my Math Pop Quiz. Great. But bah!

Asian Adonis was there today, only I didn't approach the group. They sat AALL the way on the other side. It's not that I was too lazy to walk 100 metres over there, I was simply too tired. Seriously, and it was only the guys, I don't know why, I feel so awkward around CJ. He's always speculative and brooding. I mean Asian Adonis is exactly like that too but there's more of a deep mystery about him, CJ kind of exudes this cynical energy. Like he's commenting everything you do snidely in his mind.

Yet honestly I was simply tired. I was too overcome with lassitude to maintain social intercourse. Ok well, incorrect terminology which will completely be taken out of context. I was too tired to maintain correct social propriety. So I didn't approach them. I mean it was nice to look from afar and pretend that I hadn't seen them. Although AA WAS wearing his blazer. Ho-o-o-oT.

Chris was on my bus though. That was interesting. What was a breeze of fresh air though was that this obnoxious man was absent today. The absolute ignoramus who frequents my bus was absent - good. He's such an idiot. He's such a bitch. He yelled at a foreign old woman. Asshole. Don't worry I won't psyche myself up for some imbecile with a nose that could sink the Titanic and lift it off the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean at the same time. His nose is INCREDIBLY LARGE. It's like his nose is having this outer-body experience with his face. I am unable to discern how exactly he exited the womb with such a growth. Forgive me, I'm tired. I'm feeling creative and I feel like insulting someone at the same time. It's worse than JK's description of Snape, it's this hooked horrid protrusion into the air, like he jammed some angular wooden block up there and allowed it to just be lodged and grow or something. Goodness knows he sounds like it.

Anyway. I sincerely hope that I'll be able to see him tomorrow. I hope even more that I will be more vivacious. I want those pictures from the Swimming Carnival.

AA come steal me from my loneliness.

Gah. Let me sleep. Lethargy.

Until next time -

- deeh xox

Inebriation Minus the Alcohol

2008-02-24T17:18:00.003+11:00

HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY LORRAINE! YOUR PARTY WAS AWESOME-O!

WOW did I get HIGH.

I was like drunk on slabs of chocolate and sprite. Unbelievably so, Coke had nothing to do with it. I was pointing to the floor with slurred speech and rhyming Anna's name with mine, even though they have different pronunciations. Okay, that last one was a dare, but it was funny though.

AT LEAST I DIDN'T HAVE TO PRETEND TO GIVE BIRTH TO A BANANA!

Anyhoo.

Yes. We all got high, especially as we played twister. Misha's ass was up in the air, to which Dyz commented "It's like an Ashanti video" LOL. Lana's ass was in my face and I exposed an unseemly amount of leg. Ok. It was practically all of it. Thank GOD the blinds were closed, especially with our awkward positions and Jelly proposing sex to Nirasha.

LOL nirahsa's serenade "Mr. G our children will be sexy!"

Gosh, thinking back on it, I WAS high.

I know I keep saying that but seriously. I was strutting to "Hey Big Spender" and random 70's songs in my heels. I pretended to be blonde. I shimmied in the dark. I was vivacious to the point that Dyz swore to reveal this side of me to the Asian Adonis. <---- for he only is aware of the nerdy, quiet studious side of me. Not the high, outgoing 'raunchy' side. The side I only reveal at parties with friends without the parentals. Misha broke a chandelier, Jess willingly dirty danced (never mind that she squealed and ran away afterwards), Dyz gave birth to a Banana, Nush proclaimed her undying love for Grumble, Lana wanted some "Ice ice curry," jelly proposed sex and Lorraine turned sixteen.

Wow. What lives we lead.

I am totally having a 16th birthday party.

P.S. OMG DYZ. THEY DID SOMETHING TO HIS EYEBROWS. ROBERT PATTINSON! THE OFFICIALLY RELEASED PICTURES OF THE CULLENS HAS BEEN RELEASED. ALL DRESSED UP ETC.

Until next time -

- deeh xox

Swimming Carnival

2008-02-22T18:17:00.002+11:00

Was ok.

It was alright. I actually got more involved this year, actually, the most involved I've ever been. I cheered louder (to the point that I got a headache), spirit battled with several other houses, collaborated with other houses in order to defeat Clare and entered an event.

I got all dressed up too. I mean, I always do but this year was different. Perhaps the Asian Adonis had something to do with that - AND THE FACT THAT IT WAS ALL IN VAIN BECAUSE HE WASN'T THERE AND ONLY DECIDED TO GO THE BUSBAYS WHEN I WAS ALREADY ON MY BUS DRIVING AWAY. *sigh*

Anyhoo, it was a relatively fun day. I scored for the team! I ruined my hair! I swam harder than I ever thought I could! Yes, my long, straight hair is ruined. It's back to curly again, but I've found that I like it all curly and tied up like this with the green thing in it. I was forced to enter the novelty event though, in the end it was fun ruining my hair.

And Baz was there.

What was she doing there? Anyway, I succumbed to Jacinda's begging and decided to change, it was rewarding though. The pool was wonderful, and I got splashed by baz. There went my hair. So I decided to "fuck all" as it were, donned that shirt and swam as fast as I could. I was so surprised. I swam faster than I ever thought I could and I made it. I totally thought that I would have to stop halfway and walk the rest. BUT I MADE IT! INTO A CROWD OF CHEERS! Amy was like "Let's put Dana on our shoulders" and Ms. Foster was happy. So, yeah.

:D

Today was good.

Until next time-

- deeh xox

Morbid Fascination

2008-02-21T21:14:00.002+11:00

Is the definiton of what one experiences when watching Happy Tree Friends. I miss that show, horrifying, I know. Morbid, I'm aware. I can't believe this morning I agreed with Mr. Grumble - in paradox. How paradoxical is that? Agreeing with someone in paradox, which is paradoxical itself, it's almost an oxymoron.

Ah how, English encompasses my life.

It's quite sad.

He asked this morning if anyone had anymore "LACK of Project Compassion money," attempts to be disdainful of course, to which replied, "Oh yes, we have an ABUNDANCE with that."

"As paradoxical as it is, I completely agree with you."

Which is also a paradox, because we never agree. We only do when pigs fly, and I do have the inclination that somewhere around the world, at 8:53 this morning a pig was being shot out of a canon. Then somehow it landed into SAW III to be the putrid and utterly grotesque manifestations of one dying man's last wishes to sadistically inflict quintessential pain on humanity in the name of morality.

Whoa, I have deviated so far from the point here. Anyway, I digress.

Today, English Extension was fascinating, absolutely enthralling. I love discussing psychoanalytical readings of texts, the Freudian concepts, although mind-boggling, are brilliant. You should have been there Dyz, we were discussing in great depth about psychology. Psychoanalysis of Fairy Tales is brilliant, and the interpretations of Cinderella! My goodness, it makes it look like a bloody story about sex, menstruation and virginal submission.

And Goldilocks! WOW. Just, wow. The disruption of sexual harmony and the child-like inquisition into the adult world concealed behind closed doors. Disturbing and revealing, it is, but fascinating. I'm almost speaking like Yoda. Also Miss also brought in this fantastic book: "The World's Shortest stories" which is brilliant. It's simply a large collection of stories written in 55 words. I LOVED them. There were so many awesome ones I want to write about, however the point is, is that, that was our homework. To write a 55 word story. Here is what I came up with, it's just a few drafts, I dislike the first one it's not, well, it doesn't "click." The second one, having been "loosely" based on "experience" and true story clicks better.

Title: Hello, is it me you're looking for?

She waited for the bus -waited for him, hoping.
“I’ll do it today,” she decided for the 1000th time.
She turned, and there he stood. Gorgeous, smiling and utterly radiant.
Heart palpitations.
He came forward, graceful, masculine.
Quick! Now’s your chance!
Her trembling hand waved.
He smiled wider...
...To the new girl behind her.
Tears.

Numero Deux

Birthday Present

She sat with him, amidst a sea of raucous people. Laughter, a party.
Sadness, in her eyes.
“I’m sorry, I must be honest with you,” she whispered, “I can’t accept your gift from Thursday.”
“You mean, Valentine’s Day?” He asked.
“I can’t reciprocate.”
Hurt, in his eyes.
“By the way,” she said finally, “Happy Birthday.”

well, there you have it ladies and gentleman, 55 words.

Wow, my mother gave away my sports uniform shirt away to charity.

GAH!

Oh well, I'll just have my fun in writing on msn with Dyz.

I didn't see him today. :( Ah well, hope for tomorrow.

Until next time my loves,

- deeh xox

P.S Swimming carnival tomorrow!

Almost Apotheosis

2008-02-19T22:09:00.003+11:00

I had an almost perfect afternoon.

Almost perfect. *sigh*

I am too overwhelmed with lassitude to detail every detail at the moment, as I will relay it tomorrow.

All I have to say is that today, everything fell into place.

Thank you Dyanne, I love you so much. Such a lovely twist of fate it was. LOL.

Today was ALMOST perfect because:

a) I discovered his affections for another (who is NOT me)

b) We were both dead tired and thus lacked vivacious conversation.

However, as Mia Michael's says: it is a celebration of goodbyes. And I celebrate this goodbye.

CLOSE PROXIMITY! Gah!

Makes me high.

Tantalises. Tempts.

"The slow progression and escalation of affection" Is thus the plan.

*sigh*

What a lovely afternoon. Makes me want to listen to Jason Mraz.

Loverly. :)
Until next time -

loves you all very muchly so, - deeh xoxxox

:D

Mood: wistful

Cold Hard Bitch

2008-02-16T23:12:00.002+11:00

Yo. That's me. The Cold Hard Bitch. In the words of Tim "SLACK! THAT'S DOOOOOOOOOOOOGG THAT'S SO CUT DANA, YOU'RE SUCH A DOG!" *He laughs hysterically*

I feel SO awful, and I feel even worse for feeling so... liberated? It wasn't my fault that it I HAD to inform him that my feelings didn't reciprocate. I was hoping that the next time I saw Rob, it wouldn't be anywhere near his birthday, and I feel like such an idiot, rejecting him and then saying, "Well, Happy Birthday, by the way."

I hadn't intended on seeing him any time soon, and it was just that today of all days there was a Youth Band practice and Tim required additional female singers. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT HE'D BE THERE! It wasn't even in my agenda to attend the band practice, I'm not a lead singer! Anyway, so there I was in the car as my parents dropped me off and then the thought occurred to me that he may just be there. Frantically I searched for his brother's car and lo and behold, there it was glaring at me in all its shiny, silver, annoying glory.

Shit. Major shit.

Bracing myself, I exited my parents' little blue hatchback entered the belly of the beast. Throughout the entire practice I avoided gaze, although I could feel it on me. I thoroughly contemplated leaving it for now, not saying anything because it was his birthday. Yet I knew. If I didn't bring it up now, if I chickened out, I never would - and if I ever would, by then it would be too late. Besides, if I didn't possess the courage or gall to do this, how will I ever when the time comes for me to reveal to AA the emotions I hold for him? I just had to think of Eclipse, he was my Jacob Black, I was Bella and I have an Edward in sights already.

After practice, Michael and Paul decided to go through a Fallout Boy marathon, playing all their songs on drums and electric (which was awesome, despite anything you say Dyanne). Anyway, we were all outside waiting to be picked up so I decided to wait and while away the minutes by sitting a top Tim's car.

He joined me.

I thought to myself: "It's now or never." Gladly he initiated the conversation with an ambiguous yet all knowing, "How was your week?" To which I replied, "Good, oh and thanks by the way." I don't look at him, I rarely looked at him throughout this entire harrowing experience.
"Thanks, for what?" He replies - I can hear the smile in his voice and cringe as I know I'll be wiping it clean off his face.
"..." I hesitate, "The flowers, thanks they were nice but you have to know that... I don't feel the same way..." I refuse to look at him at this point. Here he becomes quite confusing.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that, I don't feel THAT way about you," I emphasise, trying to draw away yet hoping he understands my point. This is where he tries to conceal his intentions, but we both know it's too late.
"Well, why does it have to be that situation? I mean, why did it have to be interpreted that way?" He begins to prattle on, and I know he's grasping at straws, it becomes confusing as he attempts to disguise his romantic attentions as friendship. I remain silent. This segment seems to continually evade me, I don't really remember this section.
"O...k," I said, puzzled. "I mean the sentiment (the flowers)is very sweet and very flattering and I like you, but not that way."
"Do you want to take a walk to talk about this?"
NOO WAY. I was thoroughly against this. I needed the support of the people around me, taking a walk would prolong and extend the situation, and I wanted a quick, clean cut break.
"Um, this is already awkward enough already, I told him, illustrating that I was unwilling.
"Then how do you feel about me? What do you think of me?"
"I like you as a friend," I repeated, pretending that the hose in the garden was absolutely riveting. at least it gave me something to concentrate on as I did this. "and that's all. I mean I have to be honest with you, you're friend, but... there's nothing here," my hand is over my heart (VERY CLICHE now that I reflect on it), "I'm sorry but that's just the way it is."
"Yeah, you'd probably meet someone in Uni aye?" He says, and I can't quite decipher the tone of his voice.
I nod slightly in reply, unsure "...er, probably?"
"Yeah," he agrees, seemingly forlorn, "what would a girl like you want with a guy like me? A guy who hasn't had a proper education, isn't properly employed..." I was shocked, he chose NOW to jump into the ocean of self-pity. Now that I think back on it, I think that he was simply having the nerve to GUILT TRIP ME, as if I didn't feel awful enough! Anyway, at the time, I truly felt sorry for him.
"Hey! hey, it's nothing against you!" I interjected quickly, "I just don't, feel anything. It's nothing against you, nothing's wrong with you." I was desperately trying to save the situation.
"Well that's what my parents were saying, they were getting pissed at me for thinking that..."
"Look, as I said, it's nothing against you."
"Thanks..."
"Oh um, Happy Birthday, by the way"
"Thank you, you know you're the first person outside my family who has greeted me that?"
"Oh really, well I remember everyone's birthday" (which is the truth)
*phew*

Then he goes on about if we could still be friends, not wanting to make the situation any more awkward or any more tension arise, I agree. That's how it went.

I often found myself wondering if I would ever regret this. Then I thought of if I changed my mind and decided to get with hip-boy, then I though of Asian Adonis, and if by some extensive stretch of the imagination he ever reciprocated my feelings. Wouldn't you just HATE that if you're trapped in a relationship with someone you don't particularly like when the right one comes along? THEN I would regret it.

I'm beginning to speak with AA a lot more, and my feelings seem to grow. He likes to tease me, in that nice un-offending way. It's a nice laugh. :D I hate my dad's timing. There I was JUST ABOUT to sit next with him and strike a conversation with him (there he was, already smiling at me in all his utter *swoon*ness), and MY DAD RINGS TELLING ME HE IS GOING TO PICK ME UP!!! GAH!!

ANYWAY. DYZ. Your car is green. I like green too. I bought a green shirt for the swimming carnival. :D

Tim is unbelievable I told him about the flowers today, this was his reply: "FLOWERS? TO OUR HOUSE? WHAT A GUY. What a guy. I respect him now, he has earned my respect, what a guy." Tim is laughing. He finds my unfortunate predicament highly amusing.

Then I tell him that they're fake. He then produces some psychotic romantic bullshit about why fake is better. "You see Dana, he didn't get you real roses because he didn't know... if anything between you was real."

I shake my fist at him.

My reply was sassy enough, "I know exactly what's between us. Nothing."

COLD LIKE CUT ICE (stolen from Dyz)

Then I told Tim that I felt awful because today was his birthday.

HE BURST OUT LAUGHING.

"DOOOOOG! THAT'S SLACK. REJECTED HIM ON HIS BIRTHDAY! YOU'RE SUCH A DOG!"

Yeah. That's how progressed my day.

Until next time -

- deeh xox.

P.S Very tired now. Spent whole day cleaning...

HAPPY SINGLE-AWARENESS DAY-NESS

2008-02-14T17:41:00.002+11:00

SHIT. FUCK. SHIT. CRAP. DAMN.

I don't need this, I really don't need this. I have a tonne of Maths homework to complete, I have heaps of English to do. I can't do this. I can't - how do I tell him that I don't feel the same way??

I mean he went to all the trouble, and, well, seriously I don't want to be slack. However I do know it's even more cruel to lead him on. GAH. I'M SO BUSY I DON'T NEED THIS.

GAWD. I was expecting something. A textm a phone call, I mean I was HIGHLY doubting it, but I wouldn't put it past him. HOWEVER. THE SHEER AUDACITY TO SEND... I am so mortified that I can't even articulate it.

Flattered? Yes. Happy? NO.

Man.... i cant do this.

Why couldn't it be Asian Adonis? WHY? I Talked to him the other day, and I like his personality, and he is such a talented, decent good-looking guy. Why couldn't this be from him?

I STROKED HIS HAIR. IT WAS ALL I IMAGINED IT TO BE.

Anyway, I digress. I just started really liking AA again.

And now I have to tell hip-boy that feelings don't reciprocate. I refuse to say 'reject' that's a bit mean.

Why couldn't the reciprocation of feelings occur within the people you like?

GAH. STRESSFUL. I DON'T WANT TO DWELL ON THIS ANY FURTHER!!

SOMA! I NEED MY SOMA!

Urgh. Brave New World English references.

until next time -

deeh.

Gosh. Horrified. Fuck. Sorry.

Happy singles-awareness day! (Valentine's Day)
xox

What a difference.....

2008-01-31T16:26:00.000+11:00

GAH. SCHOOL. TOMORROW. YEAR 11. DAUNTING. SCARY. WANT TO CRY. FREAKING OUT. SENIOR.

However I want to point out as of this moment, what a profound difference ONE piece of clothing makes. This is in reference to me picking up Louie at school every afternoon via Reservoir Road. So I have to walk.

Yesterday I wore my favourite pair of shorts and a T-shirt. No harm there, I had a peaceful walk to school. Albeit hot, no shade and sweltering. That was bad. Having learned my lesson from yesterday, I picked up Louie again, in the same outfit only I wore a tank top to be cooler.

And what a difference that made.

Seriously.

I got honked at, whistled at, and some guy stuck his head out of his bloody car window to hoot at me.

Flattering, yes. BUT COMPLETELY EMBARRASSING.

Honestly. A t-shirt to a tank top, and it wasn't even a singlet top. Not much of a change in my opinion but apparently it was. Don't guys have anything better to do than honk at passing girls?

Well, that's all folks. Not much to talk about right now, except for the fact that I have somewhat rekindled my Naruto love, erm. I woke up at 5:30 this morning WILLINGLY and became very productive.

I still have several things to do for school, so I shall see ya!

Ciao, ciao.

Until next time -

- deeh xox

Gaybashing, Godbashing and Hatemongering

2008-01-29T02:01:00.000+11:00

I didn't want to utterly ruin my testimony to Heath by this post. So I separated this from the last one.

THIS IS SO INFURIATING.

In light of Heath Ledger's death, there has been such an uproar about the whole Christian vs Homosexuals issue, due to the WBC wanting to picket at his funeral. There's also been a lot convoluted ideas about Christianity being thrown about that makes me feel so infuriated and furious about it. Therefore I need to correct their egregious and highly erroneous comments about my religion.

HONESTLY. URGH.

However before I begin my rant about these seriously obnoxiously naive people on YouTube, I have something to say about the WBC to whom in which I have already commented on my bebo blog and now am pasting here.

Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) defile the name of Christianity!

I am both mortified and ashamed to call them Christians.
I am unaware as to what God they follow, they have deluded the message of Jesus Christ into spears of both hatred and blasphemy! How DARE they call themselves Christian!

How DARE they picket at Heath Ledger's funeral against homosexuals in the name of God. They besmirch his name with their loathing. I know, that it's prohibited in our faith but HOW DARE THEY PREACH that our God is a God of hatred. This may sound corny, I know but the God I have come to know is a God of love and acceptance. Of FORGIVENESS PEOPLE. You say you fundamentally go by the bible WELL, YOU OVERLOOKED A BLOODY BIG CHUNK OF IT IF YOU'VE MISSED THE FORGIVENESS PART!

A great floundering, gaggle of deluded lummoxes, the lot of them. And the sheer audacity of them! The freaking URL of THEIR CHURCH is godhatesfags.com unbelievable! Ludicrous! To utilise the internet in a manner of vileness and hatred, condemning those who are homosexual - condemning Heath Ledger to hell! Those arrogant, conceited, egotistical puss filled mires, those cess pools of misguided miscreants! How dare they be so conceited enough to have the power to condemn. God IS love, you loutish dolts. HE CAN'T HATE.

I am so livid right now. To think their website has affiliates that cast hatred upon different races. WELL GUESS WHAT YOU HATEMONGERS! THAT'S GOD'S DOING. THEY'RE GOD'S PEOPLE TOO! Man I wanna fly over there and give those fraudulent, charlatans a piece of my mind. They are not Christian.

They are ignorant, blinded, delusional but most of all may God have mercy on their souls and lead them towards 'the path of righteousness.'

HONESTLY.

Now I've been taught to forgive and forget, and that's what I shall do. So I'm going to pray for those, those pestilent, parasitic, imbeciles whose ignorance reaches monolithic and catastophic proportions to the point that it's just not only profanely obscene, but unhealthy.

I will forgive them.... eventually.

URGH.

P.S My apologies, I've calmed a little now. Sorry to ish my rant out like this but it had to be said. Urgh. The inhumanity of some people. Sorry, once again. I get carried away with those fakers who pretend to do crap in the name of God.

OK. NOW HERE'S MY RANT TO THE INCREDIBLY STUPID PEOPLE ON YOUTUBE.

I was on youtube today, looking at Heath Ledger's previous work and of course stumbled upon the trailer for Brokeback Mountain. I have never seen this film, and therefore I watched the trailer, curious because his acting was considered to be superb in that film. That isn't the point right now, however. What I am absolutely livid about is the absolute lummoxes on YouTube WHO THINK THEY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CHRISTIANITY WHEN THEY OBVIOUSLY DON'T! OR THOSE CERTAIN ATHEISTS (I don't have anything against them, but there's a lot on there who really try to provoke with their offensive comments) WHO THINK THEY CAN ASSERT THEIR OPINION AND INSULT PEOPLE WITH THEIR CONVOLUTED, MISGUIDED ATTEMPTS TO GRASP OUR RICH AND COMPLEX FAITH.

There was actually this one comment that really made me burst into tears.

TO THE COMPLETE BLUNDERING CONVOLUTED IDIOT WHO SAID THAT LOVING JESUS IS ESSENTIALLY NECROPHELIA:

I know you have your opinions, and I respect that. However, they are highly uneducated.

NECROPHELIA? EXCUSE ME? EXCUSE ME? NECROPHELIA. HELLO IF YOU KNOW CHRISTIANITY AS YOU SEEM TO CLAIM YOU DO, YOU WOULD KNOW THAT JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD ON THE THIRD DAY, EVEN MY HINDU AND BUDDHIST FRIENDS ARE AWARE THAT WE BELIEVE THAT. ERGO HE'S ALIVE, AND WENT TO HEAVEN BODY AND SOUL, AND ALIVE. REGARDLESS OF THE PHYSICALITIES AND SEMANTICS - JESUS IS ALIVE. HE'S ALIVE IN EVERYONE. IN EVERYONE. INCLUDING YOU. SO GO READ THE BIBLE, EDUCATE YOURSELF AND FIND HIM BEFORE YOU OFFEND ANYMORE PEOPLE WITH YOUR IGNORANCE. FOR GOODNESS SAKE! Besides, Necrophelia involves a sexual attraction to the dead. The relationship between Jesus and man is something that is close, intimate and personal it transcends anything physical on Earth. Your relationship with God is something unique and not necessarily categorized as something romantic. We love him as our God, our brother, our father - anything. SO DON'T YOU DARE TAINT SOMETHING SO UNIQUE, PERSONAL AND INTIMATE WITH BASE HUMAN CARNALITY - DON'T TAINT SOMETHING LIKE THAT WITH AN ABERRATION SUCH AS NECROPHELIA.

I have said my piece, and I don't wish to judge you, simply to advise that you know what you're talking about before you begin sprouting unfounded and completely misguided opinions that lack depth of knowledge. Good Day to you sir!

TO THE HORRIBLY DELUDED PERSON WHO SEEMS TO BELIEVE THAT LOVING JESUS IS HOMOSEXUALITY WITHIN ITSELF:

PLEASE DO NOT BE SO CONCEITED TO CLAIM THAT YOU KNOW AND FULLY COMPREHEND THE COMPLEX RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN GOD AND MAN. EVERY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD, AS I HAVE SAID IS PERSONAL AND UNIQUE AND NOT NECESSARILY ROMANTIC. GOD IS BEYOND MAN. DO NOT CLAIM THAT YOU KNOW THE INTRICACIES OF SUCH RELATIONSHIPS AND DO NOT BE SO PRETENTIOUS AS TO CATEGORIZE SUCH BEAUTIFUL INTRICACY. IT IS NOT HOMOSEXUALITY. IT IS LOVE. Are you aware that love comes in several forms? For example, my relationship with God is platonic, you know.

Please try to defend homosexuality with something a little more grounded.

TO THE PERSON WHO THINKS THEY KNOW THE BIBLE BUT REALLY DOESN'T:

GO READ THE THING. PROPERLY. HAVE A PRIEST TO HELP YOU INTERPRET IT. God is purely an entity of love and compassion and no he did not order us to kill homosexuals and infidels. Homosexuality although it may be considered a sin in our faith, we don't know if God made them that way or if it just happens, however a HUMONGOUS COLOSSAL CHUNK OF THE BIBLE PREACHES FORGIVENESS. Oh and you may have missed the part where it says GOD LOVES EVERYBODY - EVEN THOSE WHO DON'T BELIEVE. HE IS A MERCIFUL GOD. EVEN PEOPLE WHO DON'T BELIEVE ARE WELCOME. Look up Forgiveness, you'd find it from Genesis all the way up to Revelations.

GO. READ IT. THE NEW TESTAMENT ESPECIALLY, YOU'LL FIND A PECULIAR BEING THERE. HIS NAME IS JESUS. HE PREACHES FORGIVENESS. You could learn from him.

TO THE PERSON WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE ALTHOUGH I REALLY WISH YOU WOULD:

It's a shame that you think we're all fools who have as you put it "believe the biggest lie on Earth." Perhaps you should put down the Da Vinci Code for a minute and listen to what I have to say. Yes, the Bible is God's scripture despite that it's been written by man. Yes, it was written by man therefore it is a flawed thing, because man is flawed. HOWEVER. It was inspired by God, and therefore despite what flaws it may have, it is still imbued with the message of our Lord, and that message is one of love. Does it take a fool to believe that life isn't simply a series of accidents and "shit happens" just rolling around in one twisted cornucopia of nothingness? Does it take a fool to HAVE FAITH and believe that perhaps there may be something BEYOND the material physicalities here on earth? Must we be called ignorant liars to want to love, have peace, joy and harmony? ARE WE FOOLS FOR WANTING SUCH THINGS? ARE WE DELUDED TO THINK THAT FORGIVENESS AND ACCEPTANCE IS PURELY AN ACT OF CONSIPRACY. ARE WE!?

I wish you could believe that somehow, somewhere there is someone out there watching you, loving you, wishing that you would strive for something greater, better, beyond this sorry, sorry earth.

I really wish, that we all could excericise some acceptance and understanding. I'm tired of ranting and lecturing. I just really needed to vent my indignance, as the idiots who claim to be know-it-alls are besmirching the name of truth. Misguided and disguised versimilitude is such a destructive thing.

hopefully in a calmer dispostion... until next time -

- deeh xox.

Please don't take my comments the wrong way. These are my opinions, and what I believe. Take it or Leave it.

RIP. HEATH LEDGER.

2008-01-29T01:50:00.000+11:00

I was shocked and crying when I found out.

Such an amazing actor, such an amazing soul. Rest in peace, you will be sorely missed.

I think so much has already been said for and about him, so I'll leave it at that. He was truly one of my most favourite actors. He didn't deserve this.

Minds change.

2008-01-21T17:55:00.000+11:00

THE BAD MOTHER'S HANDBOOK - LOL. This is hilarious english drama that I stumbled upon. It's so funny, I was watching parts of it in youtube.

Daniel: “You know, when I see women giving birth on TV there’s always the gripping of bedsteads and rolling around in agony, but this is a bit boring.”

*CHARLOTTE SUDDENLY SCREAMS IN PAIN*

*Daniel grabs anaesthesia awkwardly*

Charlotte: “I WANT SOME PROPER DRUGS! WHAT’S THE POINT OF THIS SODDING BIRTH IF NO ONE’S GOING TO TAKE NOTICE OF IT!”

Daniel: “Look, the baby’s premature, they’re not going to give you pethidine, sorry.”

Charlotte: “OH YOU’RE SO BLOODY SENSIBLE! I WANT SOME ONE IRRESPONSIBLE! MUM! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!”

*HOWLS IN AGONY*

Daniel: “Uh, you know er, Medieval women used to chew willow twigs for the pain, it er contains a natural asprin apparently.”

Charlotte: “ARE YOU COMPLETELY BARKING!”

Daniel: “Barking, mad as a dog, oh sorry do you – uh, do you want me to put a CD on or something? Do you want a wet flannel?”

Charlotte: *glaring at him* “No thanks, but if you EVER try to have sex with me I WILL KILL YOU!!!”

*howling*

***

*Charlotte wakes up to find baby gone*

“ Shit, Will? Mum where are you I think my boobs are going to explode, why didn’t you wake me I feel like I’ve been in a wet t-shirt competition!”

“SURPRISE!”

*Bursts out crying running the bathroom covering her chest*

***

*Charlotte and her mum emerge from bathroom*

*Daniel stands awkwardly* “Uhh, I got you something” *jewellery encased in a small box*

*Charlotte eyes him suspiciously*

Daniel: “Uuuuuh, it’s just earrings.”

Charlotte: “Well thank fuck for that!” *she starts kissing him*

Daniel: “Um, um what are you doing?... I don’t think you, are you, are you sure?”
***

Now, how did I stumble across this, you wonder?

Well as outraged as I was an an Edwardian fangirl, I decided to step back and look beyond the eyebrows and non-photogenicness of Mr. Pattinson and decided to give him a chance.

NOW DON'T KILL ME DYANNE.

So, what I did, I went on a Youtube expedition. There I went looking up his previous work (beyond Harry Potter. I have the DVD and watched it again to remind myself of him)and interviews etc. Ah yes, there is a word for this: RESEARCH. To be honest, his role in Harry Potter didn't reveal enough of his acting ability for me. I don't really like being judgemental, and I'm afraid was. A lot. Ergo I've been doing my research to see if he has the ability to be Edward-like.

These are my conclusions:

He isn't MY Edward, HOWEVER he CAN be an Edward. He's obviously some girls' Edward. And to be honest, I'm fine with that. What can I say, he's growing on me (after watching The Bad Mother's Handbook, he'll grow on you too). I was fortunate enough to view a clip of him in the film Vanity Fair, and I must concede that his role there was VERY Edwardian, despite my reservations about him. It was very Edward, that's all I can say. He was in a movie called 'How to Be' which looked very Napoleon Dynamite meets Crossroads. Wait, wow that sounds rather bizarre but I really disliked the way he looked in that. He looked very... erm, like a loser? However, then I caught a glimpse of 'The Haunted Airman' and looking beyond those eyebrows, I began to realise that he could actually do this. He could actually be Edward. NOW DYANNE DO NOT SCOFF, OR FEED THIS BURNING DESIRE TO KILL OR SCREAM AT YOUR MONITOR. He looked very Edwardian in the 'The Haunted Airman.' I very much liked his look there, despite that his character smoked, was in love with his aunt etc.

I also mentioned that I watched a couple of his interviews, and his personality is one of those things that made him grow on me. It's very...hmm... I don't think there really is a proper english word for it. It's very glompable? He's very glompable. (Taken from the Fangirl dictionary of neologisms) Well, cute comes close. It was the GOF interview when he was expaining the swimming scenes, and laughing a lot. It was cute.

I also believe that hair and make up can do a lot. So I think that they'll do something, make him look like Edward...I suppose. I believe he's a very flexible actor. From Haunted Airman, to Bad Mother's Handbook, to Harry Potter? Yeah, he's flexible. I applaud his acting skills. All in all, I'm beginning to really think that he can do this. It's crazy I know, but I think he can. I'm actually looking forward to seeing the transformation xD

Oh there was a casting call for Jacob Black! *cough* WHO MUST DIE *cough* *cough*

RP isn't very photogenic. However he's good in film. I remember reading an interview of his saying that England, the look there is to look all rugged and hung over. Erm, no thanks, I'd prefer him CLEAN SHAVEN WITH BRUSHED HAIR. Which I prefer to be shorter. I mean, I know Edward's hair is meant to be tousled, but sexy tousled, like windswept, hey I just got off my motorbike. Not ohh, shit I just woke up in the middle of the street with a wicked hangover and all I remember is spewing on the hooker I forgot to pay.

There is one VERY attractive/perfect aspect about him. HIS HANDS. GOODNESS HAVE YOU SEEN HIS HANDS? I know this sounds very random and very very obscure, oblique and bizarre but HAVE YOU SEEN HIS HANDS?? THEY'RE THE MOST PERFECT HANDS I HAVE EVER SEEN. HIS HANDS ARE PERFECT. YOU HAVE TO SEE HIS HANDS!

LOL. yes. ok. I'm over it.

Anyway, back to The Bad Mother's Handbook, which he stars in as the very dorky, geeky and nerdy but honest to God adorable Daniel. I LOVE his character there. They tried to make him look dorky at first but I liked what he was wearing in the beginning... skinnies, white long sleeved shirt, vest, tie... I liked that look.

LOL.

"So will you come on Saturday?"

"I'LL COME!"

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"... Pretending to be a part of your conversation. I don't know anyone else."

"Well you don't know us either."

ROFLMAO!!!

OK. I have to go.

In summation, Robert Pattinson has really grown on me and I don't mind him as Edward. I believe in both hair and make up and his flexible acting ability and I think he'd be able to pull it off. Please do not kill me Dyanne, for he is the first guy I've ever seen with perfect, 'more perfect than a girl's' hands.

Signing out. Until next time -

- deeh xox

DAMN IT ALL!!!!!!!

2008-01-17T02:31:00.000+11:00

DAMN ANIME HAIR AND DAMN PHOTOSHOP!!

I don't know why but for some incomprehensible stretch of the imagination, I decided to colour in one of my ancient anime drawings on photoshop today. Okay, I see that. Great - creative juices flowing. What I don't get it why I decide to torture myself. I just HAD to choose the one with the most elaborate hairstyle, and the most elaborate clothing with all the shading and the folds and everything! Mind you, I love that drawing it was one my best back in the day and I loved how intricate and elaborate it was so I kept on adding hair and folds. Little did I know that TWO YEARS LATER I WOULD DECIDED TO COLOUR IT! Jeez! If it was with coloured pencils, fine. The job would be done in a few hours. BUT THEN I GO AND CHOOSE PHOTOSHOP! AND I KNOW MY MOUSE SKILLS SUCK! It would have been much simpler with a graphics tablet. But no I don't have one of those.

Now my back kills so bad. After 7.5 hours of agony that is all I've accomplished. Damn anime hair! There's the original sketch that I love, and that damnable work in progress. I hate my mouse skills!

More on my emotional, nemo updates later. No time.

OMFG!!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW SPECTACULAR AND MAGNIFICENT THE SUNSET WAS TODAY!!!!!???? OMG IT WAS ETHEREAL AND TO DIE FOR! IT WAS A FANTASY, IT WAS THE EPITOME OF PULCHRITUDE. But did my camera have batteries? no. DAMMIT NO.

Adolescent Developments

2008-01-14T04:37:00.000+11:00

I've asked for a break.

And I got one. He's at his friend's house.

We haven't spoken in three days.

I really miss him now, however, it's good we've been given a break. Now our conversations won't be bleak anymore.

Oh. Yeah. Not that this is very important, but I know I really don't like hip-boy now, he tried once more to be close and I upped the anti on my rejective body language. I think he's beginning to get the point.

:D

Well anyway, I have to practice both Jap and Visayan now, because I'm barely there for Jap and my parents want me to start speaking my native language... hmm... this will be fun. I don't mind being a linguist.

Well. To practice I'll say what I feel right now in three different languages:

"It's so hot!" "Atsui dayo!" "Puerte Inhita!"

There. English. Japanese. Filipino. There parentals. Go be happy. I'll post more later. At the moment, I must sleep.

Until next time -

- deeh xox.

P.S I practiced singing my parents' song. I CAN actually sing it. WOW. I was really surprised. Random, I know.

Frightened

2008-01-10T22:14:00.000+11:00

I've just figured out something.

I'm positively frightened. Whenever I think of Nemo, I grow morose and melancholy simply grows inside my chest like a disease, as though my blood itself were turning black and pumping itself throughout my body.

Mostly because last night's conversation was bleak.

I'm afraid to lose him. I'm afraid that we'll dry out and become brittle, eventually snapping. I'm afraid that we'll stop this tradition of ours eventually and by the time we do see each other again, the things we promised each other will lose their meaning and special place in our lives. I'm afraid of the future.

I'm afraid of growing closer, because this is so new and I've never been thrown into the unknown before. You guys know me, I must know things, I want to know everything which is why I'm so damn uncomfortable.

And when I think of Asian Adonis, I feel happier. Why? It's not because I like him more, or less, it's because well, he's safe. He's unreachable, he's impossible and that's safe. Impossibility is safe.

How funny it is, that I find the possibility of a long distance relationship more likely than one with someone who lives less than 10km away?

I'm scared. I'm afraid, and yet I guess my disposition will be determined from tonight's events.

O gosh. *worry creases my brow*

Until next time -

- deeh xox

Bleeding

2008-01-10T16:49:00.000+11:00

Sometimes I wonder what is bleeding me dry.

I don't know what's happening with me today, but this post will be short as I intend it to be. The long Melbourne post will be up at some point next week when I get around to finally writing it. Today I spent it whittling it away, a series of consciousness and unconsciousness simply too tired or morose to alter my disposition.

I was reading Jodi Picoult's "My Suster's Keeper" a book I've been desperate to read for a while now and yet, I'm not meant to be reading it. I bought in a whim and was meant to be a "reward" I manage to survive Brave New World, King Lear and Heart of Darkness. I also need to watch Blade Runner, and there goes my holiday. I believe sometimes it is school that bleeds me dry that cuts me, wastes me and drains me leaving my dry and uninspired. Which is probably why I never get any stories finished. "He was Saved" was a large achievement for me, simply to have it reach its completion.

I think I myself am holding that blade.

I think of that girl whose book was published upon turning fifteen. I think of how I envy her, evoking these feelings of hatred. Although it is not hatred for her, rather hatred for the fact the she lives the dream I do not. I often wonder whether she is as obligated to school as I am, whether she simply floats or treads water amidst academic success. It's like a drug for me, such success, a drug I'd do anything to acquire and yet most often I find my hands empty. I find myself wondering whether she simply leaves academics to be and focuses wholly on the completion of her novel, I wonder if her pride is lesser than mine, and she could actually do that. I am a proud person, and I'll admit that. As much as it has pained me to do so, I just have. Pride the greatest sin I unconsciously commit. I am both conscious and unconscious of it.

I do believe that part of the reason as to why I feel so depressed today is that I was reading Jodi Picoult. It's nothing against her, I love her books. I also can identify that the basis of that love emanates much from the fact that I can recognise so much of my own writing style within hers. It makes me realise how much I miss writing, how much of this ambitious dream is laid out before me and yet school and other prattling matters become my obstacles. I remember how much I was inspired and filled with such desire I was to complete my novel and I've only so much as written my prologue.

Yesterday I mentioned Alfred Hitchcock. I explained myself so erroneously yesterday. By no means, Dyanne, do I compare myself to his genius as heinous as he is. I may be proud, but I know the distinction between proud and egotistical, and that would be highly egotistical to dare to compare myself to him.

Part of my melancholy derives from the fact that I still do miss everyone in Melbourne, dearly. I realised that upon having a discussion with my mum last night. It's not the events I miss, I don't miss Geelong despite that I had immense fun there. I miss the family, the people I was surrounded with. I could go to Geelong now and I would hate it, simply because the people that had made that memory worthwhile are absent. I'm afraid this longing is beginning to manifest in my dreams. This morning in the three seconds of blissful oblivion where reality is suspended within that haze of sleep as it dispels I led myself to believe that it was he who I clutched in my arms rather than the familiar pillow I sighed into as I drifted into slumber. It was then when my room blurred into my vision via morning light, that I realised that the light itself had slapped me. Slapped me awake, slapped me into reality, and slapped me back into the state of unconscious consciousness - when you're awake but no one is really there.

And so I went about my day and found myself in the shower, realising that I had already soaped that arm twice, staring at it in my hand and yet my hand kept scrubbing because somehow I didn't know how to stop it. Or when I played piano, feeling the emotion of the song draining out of me with every note as I memorised where my hands should be rather than the quality of the sound. It was a beautiful piece of music and I stopped because I was ruining it. I wasn't concentrating, instead I was worrying about why I was being bled dry and why such eloquence couldn't come to me when I want to write, or why I can form so many characters in my head but never the main. By then, the keys were heavy and I couldn't produce a sound.

I think I may have a slight crush on the illustrious "him" happens not to be the Asian Adonis. And for my own sanity he shall be called "Nemo" because apparently that's what everyone immediately associates him with. I realised just how shallow I sounded yesterday in Dymocks when I explained that I was falling for his personality more so than his looks. I was drawn to his personality and then the looks came afterward. Usually it's vice versa with me, and the personality part doesn't even come into it. Certain people have certain auras I'm attracted to and with the Asian Adonis, I think I simply allowed myself to be caught up in how attractive he was. He had an outstanding aura that was spectacular and gorgeous and stunning, and yet he was humble. Because that's who he is. Yet with "Nemo" everything is simple. Everything clicks, and even though I have to reach 896km away, he seems more real and more close to me than Asian Adonis ever did. However, I could just be saying that now, I haven't seen the said Adonis in over a month, while it was some week ago that I bade farewell to you know who. His was face was the last thing in my mind before I detached myself and said goodbye. My emotions are likely to sway as volatile as they are.

Although sometimes I don't think that I'm THAT shallow. That Vale guy is a prime example. Most of you won't think he's hot. You'd be like, yeah, he's relatively good looking and then you'd turn the other way. However he is charismatic, eloquent, and all about humanities. I think it was those qualities that "made" him hot for me, because of those common areas and I do believe attraction tends to apply those rose-coloured glasses to your eyes. He was very ambitious, and I think the ambition within me recognised the ambition within him. I knew I could have an entirely intellectual conversation with him and I wouln't have to hold back on anything. Therefore he seemed "hot" to me. What's hot and what's not is all based on perception in my opinion.

"He" (Nemo just seems too ridiculous right now, I'm afraid Dyanne if you read this you won't take me seriously) is the same. I was drawn to his personality more so than his looks and then because of that I began to recognise the way his eyes scrunched up when he smiled, so you could only witness a glint of what he was feeling inside, or the dimple that came with it. Or notice how rare that smile was and how it would only emerge when he was very comfortable. Or the way it would simply be cheerful, genial and bashful at the same time. Or the way that simple expression could be so warm. He's got the warmest smile I've ever seen.

It kind of elicits a similar feeling within me when AA smiles, only his smile just hits you with such a stunning, gorgeous Mona Lisa, perfection. While his is a subtle bashful, warmth.

That's the only way I know how to explain it and I'm afraid I'm going insane.

Well, that's a great load off my chest. I thoat that this would be short. And now look where it's got me. At least in "bleeding" so to speak, all this raw parasitic emotion has been released from my system. I feel much better now. I'm telling myself no worries, because the sun will shine another day, perhaps just not this one.

I need to go and sort out myself, and sort out that main character!

Until next time -

- deeh xox

OMFG WENTZ IS A RANGA!!!

2008-01-05T23:07:00.000+11:00

Ok I'm still writing up the loooong Melbourne recount post which is why I haven't been updating much - HOWEVER!

I just returned to check on the forum today. It's Teppei's birthday, how could I not?

ANYWAY. I SAW THE NEW PICS.

AND WENTZ EIJI IS NOW A RANGA!!! ZOMG!! HE'S RANGA!! HE HAS REDDISH HAIR NOW!!

A little darker and it's Edward-like.... hmmm...

BUT I FREAKED OUT SO BAD.

HE'S RANGA!!

TWILIGHT! AND WHY JACOB BLACK MUST DIE!!!

2007-12-22T01:00:00.000+11:00

No time to really blog right now seeing as I am leaving for Melbourne in 4.5 hours and I really must sleep before I partake on the gluteus-maximus numbing car ride. You may notice later on that I'll be saving all my creative swearing for the character that is Jacob Black.

I really need to vent this. I have all this emotion swirling around me, inside of me ready to burst out of me as though my skin were the only thing holding me together. I have finished reading the Twilight series, and I am an emotional wreck. It is moments like these when I realise that this is the very reason why I want to become a writer, to inspire emotion, to capture to compel and to create that ambience. Despite that I am raging and conflicted and somewhat hateful inside, I love it.

I've copied and pasted this next part from a comment I gave the wonderful Dyanne on her blog. I want to murder Jacob Black. I do, I seriously do. I absolutely loathed the fact that Eclipse ended with his OPINION. I really HATED that whole King Solomon, as if. JACOB YOU WERE CUTTING BELLA IN HALF FROM THE BEGINNING! EDWARD WAS GIVING HER UP FROM THE START. NO YOU DO NOT LOVE HER MORE. YOU'RE PUPPY LOVE AIN'T WORTH SHIT AGAINST EDWARD'S CHASM OF ENDLESS DEVOTION AND LOVING SOUL-MATE-ISM.

Their love is stronger than ANYTHING that, that stupid DOG can ever conceive. Oh don't we all love how Edward just saved the day? I was so glad it was Seth and not Jacob who ripped off Riley's head. I could honestly not BEAR reading Bella kissing Jacob back and realising that she's in "love" with him too. I'd rather read that horrific, putrifying, disgusting, fetidly repugnant scene at the end of Harry Potter when Hermione kissed Ron, a thousand times than to relive that experience, knowing that Edward would be there.

Dude it's Edward, he loves her more than she'll ever truly begin to even fathom. And Jacob is just there stealing her away making Edward look like the patron saint of ethics. Which he is, him and his heart-warming propriety...never letting a kiss go too far and all - except for that last part in the meadow when he kind of did want what Bella was pleading for (good lord I'd never be able to refuse him). I was irrationally furious for Edward when Jacob and Bella *gag* ... and Edward was laughing about it.

Oh look at me, discussing these characters as though they were corporeal. I love what the imagination does, it brings life.

I wish I had my own Edward. (oh don't we all, or Jasper - he's awesome too) I really do, not every gal is lucky enough to have the personification of perfection sitting with them, protective arms wrapped around them, whispering in their ear quite seductively all of Romeo's lines as he said them on the TV screen.

That would be very hot.

Really, I've never read a book that's had be crying, actually crying, almost sobbing and whining and... well quite incoherent. I was ACTUALLY CRYING, none of this teary eyed crap...but I was CRYING. Not once, not twice but oh ok 4 or 5 times.

The first time was when Edward was breaking up with her. I remember myself crying so distinctly because I had never been so shocked (at myself becoming more than lachrymose). I WAS ACTUALLY CRYING. Despite that I knew they'd get together again, I was woe all over. Then the next couple of times I cried for Bella and her reckless self endangerment just to hear Edward's voice, and the pain on his face when he was about to incite the Volturi's wrath. (I just LOVE how he has a flair for the theatric and dramatic, reminds me of Draco) I also cried when the Jacob Bella scenes were happening, mostly because I felt this overwhelming sense of betrayal on Bella's part and anger at Jacob. I was just sitting there in my little ambience bubble babbling "Edward...Edward... what about Edward?"

I had also cried many FURIOUS TEARS over Jacob Black I SERIOUSLY wanted to bash his head in, and I REALLY wanted Edward to brake his jaw. Why did he have to be such an intelligent, loving gentleman? Ah but that is Edward.

Man... I wanted to read the wedding. But no, we jut had to have some stupid shit about Jacob and how he's all emo, and angsty and oh she didn't choose me.

Throughout the entire time I was reading New Moon I was thinking "Hmm Jacob Black... why can't he just...Oh I don't know... FUCK OFF?"

At first I was oh, yeah, Jacob... seems pretty innocent to me. BUT NO YOU CONNIVING, CUNNING PETTY THIEF!! YOU MONGREL! YOU FETID WASTE OF CANINE TALENT! YOU CAN'T LOVE BELLA LIKE EDWARD DOES. HE PAWNS YOU! SO STOP TRYING TO TAKE HER AWAY! YOU ASSHOLE! I FUCKING HATE YOU! YOU SORE, PUPPY BITCH! HOW DARE YOU TEMPT EDWARD LIKE THAT, STUPID OVER HEATED SPACE-HEATER! JUST GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF, AND THIS TIME DON'T RESURFACE! YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANYTHING AGAINST THE VAMPIRES! THEY PAWN YOU! THEY ALL PAWN YOU! SO YOU JUST GO SHOVE OFF BECAUSE BELLA CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU.

Ouch. Harsh. But I REALLY hate him. I can be even more creative but I don't have time. That above rant doesn't even come close to how I truly want to articulate my hatred for Jacob Black. And if the casting directors cast Steven Strait as him, I will die. I will not be torn over Edward and Jacob. I loved steven in the covenant and if he's jacob I might just not watch it for that very reason.

He'd better be butt ugly.

Good thing he's fictional. For I'd really be upset with myself if I ever felt this way against an actual person.

Oh wow! Look at the time! Shit, I have to sleep I've been typing away my rant here for so long.

P.S DYZ AND LO IF YOU ARE READING THIS. I REALLY LOVE YOU, in the most sisterly platonic sense possible.

thought you should know that for Christmas.

P.S you can predict what I'll say here. JACOB BLACK MUST DIE!

Until next time (which may be a long time due to Melbourne tomorrow and for the next week) -

- deeh xox

HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

I hate Jacob Black. "Air to breathe, sun to warm you" my ass. Eff off Jacob. Edward although he may be perceived as being like a drug. He isn't. He's the eternal rocks beneath. He's her foundation, her core, her reason for living.

Answer me this Jacob: For what use is one's lungs without the heart?

You may have made a miniscule tear on Bella's heart but Edward left a HOLE beat that bitch.

"My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods. Time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees - my love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath - a source of little visible delight, but necessary."

This has brought to me a whole new understanding of Wuthering Heights to me.

I must go back and read. I don't think I was as insightful when I was twelve (when I first read it) as I am now.

HERE I GO RANTING AGAIN.

OK. MERRY CHRISTMAS! BYE!

Commencement of the Holidays!

2007-12-18T15:07:00.000+11:00

Yes it is. Yes it is. And not once have I slept in. Oh Lordy, I've been too busy playing caretaker of my little brother (taking him to school and such). In my leisure time I content myself with random films and reading Twilight repeatedly. (It's now a burgeoning obsession.)

Of three things I am now absolutely certain:

1) I am now obsessed with Edward Cullen. (LOL there's a girl on YouTube who pronounces 'Cullen' as 'Colon.')

2) 'Windex' is a highly competent carpet cleaner. (Excellent if Orange soft drink happens to spontaneously combust all over your blue carpet. However with most cleaning products, you have to be quite hasty).

3) I am currently living in an unrequited... "affection" line? Bizarre as it sounds, it's true - although it stops with the Asian Adonis.

It is the third fact that highly disconcerts me. I am aware that in my previous post that I refused to dwell further on suffering through that blatant 'flirting' attempt. Although maybe not so blatant. I like to fancy myself as a quite attentive person, I'm quite observant (ZOMG! I'M WATCHING BANANAS IN PYJAMAS. I LOVE THIS SHOW! yes reliving childhood memories, I digress...) and it is because of this advanageous quality that I attribute my academic...talent? I don't know. Anyway I saw through everything he was doing, and although sweet - it bothers me. I am highly troubled because I don't reciprocate his feelings, mainly because A) He's not my type and B)I have feelings for someone else. I'm trying to let him off easy, mollifying the fall by trying to shun him away via body language. I think I've been quite obvious. HOW DENSE CAN HE BE? I honestly don't know, 'hip-boy' just doesn't get it. I mean I like him as a friend yeah, he's nice but I'm not attracted to him in anyway. Perhaps it's because I'm friendly to him, no double entendre intended.

HE. MISSED. THE. BOAT.

Also, if he thinks that I'm just some kind of conquest like before, he can just run off now. I've forgiven him for that 'playa' comment, but I'm not stupid. I've moved on already, he's 2 months too late.

I don't want to think about this anymore. It depresses me, especially since I had another weirdo dream where Asian Adonis was playing the star role.

Moving on.

I need New Moon. My head is filled with Fantasy right now and it's inspiring me to commence my novel. There's still so much planning to do though. I think I'll just write the prologue at least. I also have other things to do for the youth group, such as design those business cards and the draft for the bulletin. I told Jay I had a draft, little did he know that, that draft was in my head. I need to extract it from my head and onto publisher. That shoudln't be too hard, I'm just procrastinating too much. I'll do it as soon as I am able. I watched Stardust. LOL I loved Clare Danes in that movie, I loved her sarcastic personality. "Uh let me think, it landed over there and then, hmm this must be where she was until she was hit by a magical flying moron!"

"...Y-You're the star!"

*glowering look*

LOL. It was the guy from Casanova. Although he looked infinitely better in this movie with the long hair and the fact that he wasn't overshadowed by the wonderful Heath Ledger. (You reckon he could ever be a Carlisle? LOL) (OMG on ABC there's some animal show narrated by Vanessa Williams) To be honest, and don't kill me Dyanne...Robert Pattinson as Edward is growing on me. He's growing on me. They just need to fix his eyebrows. He's not entirely Edward but I've been thinking about it and I believe that make-up can do quite a lot. I hope they can pull it off and make him look all smexy-like. I think what threw everyone off was that atrocious photo of him on Stephenie Meyer's website. He's good-lookng but not photogenic. But I'll admit he's an attractive, and he's not too old either.

Oh well, we shall just see.

I think I need to watch some more of his work in order to decide sufficiently whether or not he's acting ability can produce Edward's demeanour. Now where did my copy of Goblet go??? Tom Sturridge and Emily Browning would have been good (yes I agree with you Dyanne, I still like Anna Pacquin though.) but what can ya do? I dunno the reactions of people of youtube are funny.

I probably should go now, and hop to doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Until next time my loves-

- deeh xox