Life kicked my ass again. AGAIN.

Yup it's confirmed. He has a girlfriend.

Harriet was right and all sense of hope has been extinguished. I'm glad I prepared myself for the worst though. I'm not that very disappointed. If you don't get your hopes high then you don't fall very far. I asked my friend about it, feigning indifference (like I didn't care, you know) and couldn't help but feel a pang of regret when she said. "Yeah, they're the same." She called her "Kuya's (insert his name here)(insert her name here)." In any other circumstances that would be so sweet, but of course life likes to be a pain in the ass and these aren't any other circumstances.

I want to lament somehow, I don't know cry or eat chocolate or something but I won't. I did that last night. I shed a tear or two but I'm ok! :) Daijoubu desuyo!

So now I shall humbly step down, curse life and myself for my shitty timing and surpress my feelings once more. Life cuts you all the time, only until we develop callouses.

I'm used to this, so this shouldn't be so bad. I'm hurt, and pretty upset but I'll be ok.

For what is life without death?

What birth without pain?

What is love without hate?

And what is a rainbow without rain?


- until next time.

- deeh.

A shout out to jelly!! First boob. LoL. We get that.

Life kicked my ass again.

Scratch that last post. I've just discovered that he's got a girlfriend.

I mean, it's not official but the the similarities and the current circumstances don't speak coincidence.

I feel like a fool. I've really still been in this denial phase, why am I always in denial? I was denial long enough, and now that I've finally figured out my feelings for him, he has to be taken. Some bloody great timing, I have. I can't believe that I allowed myself to be seduced by the romantic notion that he may actually be single. How could I pull the wool over my own eyes? A guy with his looks doesn't stay single. A girl would be out of their minds to let him go. It's like cheating on Jessica Alba - unheard of!

I've been doing the ironing, cooking and washing the dishes. Although I am thankful for the solitude and the fact that it gives me something to do, I don't like the fact that it gives me opportunity to think. My mind just dwells and wallows in everything I feel and what I've discovered today.

Good thing I'm back to my computer so I can throw myself into my work and not resurface until its time for me to sleep. Ah studying, but a timely distraction. Tomorrow I'll confirm my fears and discover if what I've heard is indeed truth.

M heart's bruised not broken, I'll forced those floodwaters to recede and I'll build a bigger and better wall with cement and reinforced steel. Then only, only when it is then safe enough to perchance hope and dream then maybe I'll consider demolishing that floodgate. I've had my hopes bright down too many times to think otherwise, hope is a risk only the very few brave of us take. I've taken that risk too many times and returned empty-handed.

Life kicked me in the ass again, but I'm going to go and kick it right back because, I, I have a religion exam to study for.

So go study for it deeh.

And that I will.

Recent Emotional Musings

The philosophies of one self. The female teenage mind is an interesting thing.

Wow it has been such a long time, my dear blogspot.

Hmm, I guess once again this may just begin with an infuriated rant about my infuriating, inconsiderate imbecile of a brother, however some “Thirty Seconds to Mars” followed by some incredibly jovial Jpop has cured me of my anger. Thank the Lord for the healing powers of music.

Maybe the oblivious viewer throughout the cyber-universe, would like an update on recent events (or my thoughts towards them at least, then) hmm? Regardless, this is a blog, and my journal ergo I shall be venting any accumulation of emotions from the past few weeks.

Now, don’t roll your eyes or laugh at my choice in topic. This has been on my mind lately, whether you like it or not. I’m a teenage girl currently being battered amongst throes of adolescence and hormonal fluctuations. It’s my prerogative to discuss this topic: Romance. Yes. Romance. Not in the cliché Valentines sense but rather the nature of HOW one feels.

Maybe some of you may know of whom I am referring to (DYANNE) but I’ll keep him anonymous for the sake of my sanity, and you should too Dyanne (that is, IF you are reading this). Lately I’ve been trying to decipher how exactly such feelings of mine came to be, and analysing how one’s feelings amplify subsequent to an epiphany.
Throughout my musings, I have produced an analogy: floodgates. I believe that what I have experienced can be compared to overflowing floodgates. Their key? Admittance. Conceding. Epiphany. I’ve realised that the simple acceptance of one’s feelings releases these flood gates of emotion and obliterates all sense of accumulated denial like a river charging through and destroying all feeble attempts at fences and the such.

What had allured me to the person in question in the first place? Hmm, I believe it was his outstandingly good looks and cool demeanour, I guess. Who am I kidding? The boy is gorgeous, and very pretty. What’s even better is that he doesn’t boast about his looks, I doubt he’s even aware of how good looking he even is. I do remember exactly the day when I first saw him. He was sitting there talking. He seemed very complacent then, but I know him a little better now, I just I wish I knew him enough to progress passed the barrier of merely “acquaintance” to “friend.” I am not shallow I am allured to more than appearances alone. The fact that he’s incredibly nice and converses with me willingly when appropriate, or always greets and says goodbye more than the others, is part of why I experience these heart palpitations. We also share some of the same interests, which is a bonus of course.

If it were looks alone I would be able to overlook this as a mere phase, as I have done before. However, I believe it has been these recent dreams of mine which seemed to be the catalyst of what I feel at the moment. Usually I stand by as but an oblivious onlooker as he finds someone new and builds a relationship with them, with a couple of my friends actually. That hurt a little but at the time, I told myself that I didn’t like him, I mean of course I liked him but not in the romantic sense. Ah the trials and tribulations of the written word.

I’ve been able to mollify my feelings and control them, they’ve always been like this candle tucked away and privy to everything else that swirls around my mind. I have been living in that sort of ‘denial’ (for lack of a better word) for months now, until the dreams came along. They say dreams are the surfacing of your subconscious or the manifestations of what on truly feels or how I don’t know predictions of the future. I’d like to settle for the Cinderella version: A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you’re fast asleep. Now I’m not trying to transform my life into a fantasy because of my naivety and inexperience in this area. I have been experiencing these dreams, they are of innocent nature. Really innocent, but romantic. They made me think, have I been denying myself of what I’ve been wishing for? Am I the reason why I feel lonely at times? Am I the one who is inhibiting myself?

The thought that I may actually like this guy, in all sense of the word, had slithered upon my thoughts as deviously as Satan’s serpent that had seduced Eve in the Garden of Eden. Honestly, it wasn’t some shocking revelation but rather a quiet acceptance through the help of these weird dreams.

Here’s where the floodgate analogy plays a role. Once I had conceded the way I feel about him, my feelings sort of amplified instantaneously. As though with that final acceptance I had released the reigns I had on my emotions and they broke free like a brilliant black stallion on a rampage galloping through me. So now, I am stuck with this sudden...truth, if you will. Now he’s taken reign over my mind and I can’t seem to drown him out.

Ah well, what can you do? Damn the workings of the adolescent mind! Damn them! They’re so disruptive. I can’t study proficiently like this. That’s just sad. I’m worried about school.

I should stop dwelling on this now...

Until next time, which because of recent developments will be very soon, bye bye

- Deeh

PS. Harriet! You better not have said anything or I swear to all that is good and holy, I WILL SMITE YOU. FEAR MY WRATH (it is SO fun saying that. LOL)

Moral high-ground

I really despise the way my brother thinks himself so superior and supreme, as though he'd had some sort of immaculate conception like he's God or something. Everytime I do something wrong or make a human mistake he takes the moral high-ground and acquires this holier-than-thou attitude, as though he were the Messiah telling me that I'm a sinner. Yeah, I know I made a mistake, I'm kicking myself now. I seriously don't need another lecture by a hypocrit. For example, for the past month or so I've lost the cable to my mp3 player so I can't charge the battery, ergo it's been rendered useless. It was right next to the computer and then he has to go "clean" up the place. I bet he wasn't even looking where the hell he put things!! The next day after he had "cleaned" I go to charge my mp3 player and I can't find it. 6 weeks later I find it at the bottom of my brother's toy box. Excitedly I relate the discovery to him and he says in that flippant tone of his, "Have you learned your lesson? Always keep your things neat and organised." Yeah I've learned my lesson you EFFING HYPOCRIT. OK, I lent my only pair of scissors and glue to him three weeks ago and I still haven't got them back. Last week (JEEZ THE NERVE OF HIM!) he asks if he can borrow my glue and scissors. I tell him that I still haven't got them back from him and he replies "oh whoops, sorry." And laughs like its nothing. I happen to need them for school you dolt!! Keep my belongings neat and organised, hmmm? Look at the state of my room compared to yours, you effing hypocrit. Mine is neat and organised and yours is a desolate bomb site.

And whenever I tell him something, he never remembers (like anything I say is ever significant to my family these days)and so continually asks me questions, probing me for answers when he should already know them!! I mean if I don't wanna tell you then back the hell off! I'll write an effing autobiography then there. READ IT. I'm pretty sure you won't anyway. Gosh!! It's as though I'm such a lowly sinner compared to him, oh let's all bow down to the holier-than-thou egotistical, self-deluded male who I ashamedly call my brother!!! SOR-REE I WAS EVER BORN! (That was so emo) Sor-effing-ree that I make mistakes (like every bloody human being does!), sorry I don't like to be lectured every single bloody day by a bloody hypocrit no less! I'm tired of it! Would you please stop lecturing me like you're so much better? Jeez, we're only two years apart and you're acting like you're my life mentor or something...BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER YOURSELF!

T-I-R-E-D

I'm so tired of life already. I'm just so pissed off. I mean seriously, am I that much of a fucked up person that after so many years my own mother won't even stand to trust me? Am I such a bleeding train wreck that they question everything I do, question my motives? I need help in school and I want a tutor. Is that so much to ask? I mean, I know I'm intelligent and me asking for a tutor is a new thing for my parents but honestly, I'm freaking wonder woman or Bill Gates or some shit man!! JEEZ! It's already hard enough for me to swallow my own pride and admit that I am not able to get my work up to my statisfaction on my own. It's already enough that I've came down from the grandstand and admitted that I need and want help. I'm so used to being up there that, that is a big step for me. I'm an independent person, I'd rather do everything alone. But for once, just once when I asked for help why won't they simply listen? PLEASE. But, no my mother has to analyse everything find out why, find out all my mistakes, find out everything I need help on, critically analysing everything with that piercing look of hers and her Holier-than-thou attitude, looking at you like you should know better. I swear the woman can give you a lecture with just one look. She was so obstinate with the opinion that I was such a a gluttinous and lazy student that she refused to give me a tutor saying with a blend of accusation and incredulity "You want me to spend all this money just so some one can tell you to practice?" Honestly! Do I have to spell everything out for you??? Would I be asking for help, would I be swallowing my pride and asking for assistance if that is all I wanted JEEZ!! I'M SORRY OK!Far out. What about those high dictinctions I receive every year as an excellent student? I do it all for you and now that doesn't matter at all?

I'm tired of not having enough money. I'm usually patient about these things, and I have been. I've given up on my dream of going to Japan so as ot to burden my family, for once in my life I asked for a laptop simply so I can live out my other dream of writing a book...and I can't get that either. I can't get a job because my studied are too important to me and now I have to give that up as well? No wonder why I'm losing control, there's nothing left in me to have control over. Everything that was once me is just disappearing. I guess, I'll forgo the tutor, not financially burden my family and go at it alone. As always, everything I do must be done alone, I'm alone. Again and again. I am alone.

I'm tired of being alone too.

But I guess that's the way it will always be for me. That's a very sad realisation - but it's the truth. Whatever happened to supportive parents who would get their children tutors because they want their child to be the best they could be? I'm alone, and on the rare occasion I need help, no one will be there to hold my hand. No one.

And now, I'm just tired of it. All of it.

Fairytales

I've done a lot of procrastinating today, and I don't like that one bit.

Anyway, I've just realised that within my lack of you know what and my loneliness in that area, I've come to realise that I'm one of those people that want to live the fairytale. Throughout childhood, women everywhere have been presented with this image of the staionary princess needing to be saved by her prince. However, there is no prince charming. The other day my friends and I were listing the attributes of guys we'd like to be with, when combined we came to the sad realisation that such a man did not exist. Oh he may be out there, but perhaps not for all of us. It's a sad realisation that you may just marry out of the fear growing old alone, or never marrying at all.

When I defined love the other day, I defined it as this: Seeing the imperfect person perfectly and the having willingness to make someonone else's life significant by being a witness to their lives. It is valuing others before oneself and the willingness to remember that one person out of 6 billion in the world that could matter wholly to you.

If such a thing did exist. However it does raise the question, why did God give us imagination if such notions could never be attained?

What's happening to me?

We received our half yearly tests back this week, and to say I'm upset with my results would be a grave understatement. What's happening to me? I'm drowning in the depths of average. I know that may sound arrogant but my marks, my scores, my work isn't up to my standards! This is not me!! I feel like I'm losing absolute control of my life. I'm not being myself, my marks have dropped, I've been too stressed...I don't know who I am anymore, and that scares me. I'm becoming depressed again. My counsellor last year told me that my last problem was that my expectations of myself are too high. I know that may be dangerous and I'm experiencing the implications of that now. She said I would get disappointed a lot and I am. I don't want to lower my expectations because I know that I can reach what I expect of myself. Why would I lower my goals? Why would I aim low? Why should I live below my means and be content with the romantic notion that I'm second rate and I could never be better? Because I know I can be better and I know that, it's just... I just am completely oblivious to what's happening to me. I'm losing my self control, I'm losing everything. My qualities, my good memory, my organization, my meticulous need for cleanliness...How do I climb out of this horrific rut that I've buried myself in? There's a person I know, and no offence against that person but I can't help but envy them spitefully. They are becoming everything I've ever wanted to be. They are becoming the me that I'm losing. Why is this happening?

I'm so lost. I'm staggering through a dry wilderness, drowning in confines which I have risen above, losing who I really am. I don't want this to happen. This can't happen. WHAT IS BECOMING OF ME? Why is my life out of control?

I've been losing my sense of self. I don't know anything anymore. I'm so angry, so tired and so... scared.I need to climb out of this ditch, I must rise to the person I once was again, and blow them straight out of the water. This isn't me, I want to be me again.