Hate is a strong word

But I really, really, really don't like my mum.

She's been pissing me off all weekend. I know I should respect my parents and the fourth commandment says we should "honour" them, but she's making it really hard for me to love that woman. We're meant to love them, well, she's making it a little hard!! I swear, the fact that God said we should respect our parents is the only thing restraining me from marching right up to her and socking her one right in the face!

She's been giving me the shits. AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!!! How do you feel deeh? Hmm, let's explore that shall we? Crestfallen, disappointed, frustrated, furious, angry, exasperated. I wanted to just break down crying but I couldn't because I was in church. What's worse is that these familiar thoughts of self-loathing are creeping back into my system. She just makes me want to hate myself. I just don't want to hope anymore, because life is just shit. Honestly, (this is a metaphor by the way) she gets my hopes up, crashes them down, offers me a consolation prize and then reveals that I can't even have that!!!!

Make up your fucking mind!! STOP TOYING WITH MY EMOTIONS! I wish I had a job, not because I want the money, or the experience as I tell everyone. I need an excuse to get away from the house, I need an excuse to keep me from walking through those doors at the end of a school day. I need something to take my mind off all the shit that goes on around here. Notice I didn't use the word "home." This isn't my home, I'm still trying to find it, it's certainly not here. I'm in a house full of people and still I feel alone. It's funny, I've been alone here for so long I've actually grown to like that emptiness. I've grown accustomed to it, and that's gotta be the worst thing of all. I actually want to be alone here, probably because whenever they notice me standing there I flare up with anger, pissed at them for not noticing before.

I'm tired of her broken promises and games. What I hate the most is that she doesn't realise how this affects me. She makes me question who I am, she makes me feel utterly insignificant, she breaks down every defence I've built and treats me like that 6 months of counselling was worthless. I want to hate her, I want to hate her so much. But I can't, because she's my mother and despite everything that I feel or want, I love her. So ouch, that hurts. I don't even like talking to her anymore, we used to be like bestfriends and I'd tell her anything and everything.

Yet I can't take it anymore. I just want, I just NEED an ear to listen. That's all, I don't need her interjecting her opinion, or her advice. I don't want or need it. I just want someone here in this house who will listen unconditionally without judgement. I wish she'd stop judging me. She doesn't know me.

I wish she'd stop pretending like she knows me, because she doesn't.

She doesn't make the effort to. All I have here at home for comfort is my pillow and copious amounts of chocolate. My apologies for not being my usual articulate self, I'm too distraught for any manner of decency at the moment.

until next time (which I pray will be a more jovial occasion) -

- deeh. xox.

I've so much to do...

Beauty = Pain

Broken Sonnet by Hale is the prettiest song..... ahh... gets me in such a high yet empty mood. *dancing on a cloud*

Anyway, I had my hair done today! Yet first we went shopping and I found this really pretty dress, that looked pretty hot, then we went to Westpoint and I was just thinking how funny it would be if I saw the Asian Adonis... and then I did, with his friends but he didn't see me I said hi to his friends though, he was too busy disposing things into the bin.

Beauty does eual pain in some sense, we went to the hairdresser and there I got it trimmed, thinned layered and foiled. I had to sit there for like, half an hour looking absolutely hideous with bits of malleable metal protruding from my head. Great. But the shampoo massage afterwards was very theraputic. NOW IT LOOKS AWESOME!!

:D I'm very satisfied.

Beauty also hurt when my mum was fussing over my make up for this party we attended. Honestly! If I want to put on just eye-liner and some gloss, then that's fine with me! No, she had to full re-emphasize everything and when she put this eye-liner on me her aim was so painful that she missed my lashline completely and stroked that SHARPENED pencil STRAIGHT ACROSS MY EYEBALL!! Now I could rub or soothe my eye because of the mascara and eyeshadow she put on me and I had to just stand there with a bloodshot eye whimpering and blinking...and well, in pain.

Ouch.

Well, I'm pretty tired now. I'll finish my essay tomorrow. I'll cy'all later. Wtf? I said y'all.

Oh yeah!!! I CAN DO THE SOULJA BOY DANCE NOW!! It's so funny! and surprisingly easy. lol. ok. Gnite!!

Until next time -

- deeh xox

VERTICAL? VERTICAL!!!!!????

My immediate response to that bloody 'Flying Saucer' ride turning vertical. We went to the Luna Park excursion today! It was awesome, although in the morning we did feel like such morons because we were in uniform and the rest of the school was granted a mufti day. We had the better end of the bargain I guess.

A shout out to our named trees: 'Apotheosis,' 'Jimmeh' and 'Stella.' Yup we own those trees.

Ok now, let's just get this straight. Lo and Dyz, I permitted you to force me on any ride and yet little did I know at that time that I was to face that bloody 'Flying Saucer' UFO shit, ok? I made an uninformed decision - so I take it back!!!!! For all of you who are unaware as to what my relation is to the Flying Saucer thing is, I shall recount my minutes of SHEER UNADULTERATED TERROR!!!

You've all heard of that round thing that keeps spinning eh? I saw it on the Simpsons, in the episode where Bart and Lisa are spitting at each other. ANYWAY. I freaked out when they all said we were riding it. You're all like "Come one deeh, it'll be fun" Suuuuuuurrre. It'll be fun. SURE. So I made the split second decision to step outside my comfort zone and took a chance. I was whimpering and regretting my decision immediately while we were in the stairwell, ah what I didn't know lay before me. I was worried and freaking out, and that was just when I thought thing was only HORIZONTAL and tilting.

BUT OMFG!!

We were like two metres away from the gate thingy and that's when I saw the ride go freaking VERTICAL. You spin, and you spin f***ing VERTICAL. Here was my reaction:

"OMG IT GOES VERTICAL??!!!! VERTICAL!!!?? YOU DIDN'T FUCKING TELL ME IT GOES FUCKING VERTICAL!!!!! IT GOES FUCKING VERTICAL!!! OHHHH MY GOD. OHHH MY GOSH... OH MY... *incoherent babbling* *loud, excessive whimpering* *Hyperventilation* Oh myGod. OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD. WHY THE F*CK DIDN'T YOU TELL ME IT GOES F*CKING VERTICAL!!!! I HATE YOU!! I HATE ALL OF YOU!!! Oh god...."

It was at that point, Jelly kindly intervened and grabbed my hand, clasping it firmly. I calmed down a little, and that was only because I, being a person of duty, decided to accept the inevitable. Yet I was still hyperventilating. It so happened, only five minutes I was there bounding towards the ride and whimpering as I waited for it to begin. LOL when it started (it wass still slow) I was just like "AH! - AH! - AH! - AH!" and Doza was like, "Relax Dana, nothing's happened."

Of course in movies, when they say something along those lines the great irony is, is that it always does happen. So yeah, we picked up speed. I screamed the entire way and I was so sure I looked Greg in the eyes. Greg. Yes. Greg. He's the name of the Grim Reaper in 'Conker's Bad Fur Day.' One of my favourite Nintendo 64 games EVER! Yeah, coz I'm old school like that. So hyperbolically I stared at death in the eyes. Actually my eyes were closed 99% of the time, I only opened them at highly unfortunate moments. URGH. I screamed, cried, wailed - oh Lord did I WAIL - and swore.

Well, of course as most terrifying moments do, it ended and I almost collapsed afterwards. My feet were wobbly, especially my left one as the right one had dislodged and I was on one foot half the time. Well it ended, some were smiling, some were relieved and I was whimpering. You know, I was actually marveling at my own strenght really, never had I ever held onto something for dear life before. It was vice-like. I can now FULLY appreciate the term "hanging on for dear life." Ok so I'm vascillating out the ride, wiping my eyes whilst attempting to be composed (didn't work obviously) as I was whimpering and wailing silently so for my benefit we rode the Merry-Go-round to calm me down. Yeah! That's my chicken, I rode a chicken while everyone rode a horse.... hmmm... then we went on that Freaky-Mouse-thing rollercoaster thingo. It was a lot scarier than it looked.

I AM A GOOD BUMPER CAR DRIVER. I figured that out today. But there was this annoying as hell Mitchell guy, who although wasn't in my batch, him and his friends were pissing everyone off. He was purposely ramming into people and hitting the crap out of them, now if he did that to me I would've said, "If you want to get banged so much, get a girlfriend!" That would've been cool. It was awesome, I was full driving with one hand. Wohoo!! They had this delightful mango ice cream. Awesome.

WE WENT TO CAPITOL! LOLS. I was pissed off at Mr. Johnno for saying I was uncool but I can say one of two things to that man, "I agree with you. I'm not cool - I'm hot" LOL. Or, "I agree with you. I'm not cool - I'm a cold hard bitch." LOL Yet I wouldn't be daring to say either because I do respect all teachers to some degree, inlcluding Grumble, despite whatever convoluted notion of civility he conducts.

Dyz! Don't you dare swing the ferris wheel again!!

I need to cut this short right now. It was an awesome day! :D

Until next time -

- deeh. xox

P.S I'M GETTING MY HAIR DONE TOMORROW!!! Dyanne!! DJ^2 YO!!

Seminario!

I attended this enlightening seminar in Melbourne over the weekend!

It was so awesome, two days ago I had a vague notion of what my ambition was, and now, now I have a passion! I want a book released by the end of next year!

I have the tools, I have the ideas, I have the knowledge and I want to instigate as soon as possible. I have experienced this grand epiphany of elucidation, I'm young and I have my life ahead of me. Why not start now?

At the seminar we were required to make our own Vision statements, I made one, but this is only a draft of what it will actually be:

My dream is to compel, exercise and enthrall the human imagination - to suspend reality and guide someone along a journey that they never thought they were able to experience and to excite them enough to inspire to turn the page.

That's only a draft, yet I am on my vision quest now. Never have my life outcomes ever been lucid. Tonight I want to design my dream card thingy and personal branding thingo that we learned.

I AM NOW PERMANENTLY DEPARTING THE NATION OF PROCRASTA!!

care to join me?

I want to say so much more, and consolidate what I've learned, but ah I fear that time is of the essence!

I feel so enlightened.

I guess I'll hop to it now then!

Wait. Wait. ZOMG. ENGLISH?? LOL STARGATE EPISODE?

ROFLMAO.

Until next time -

- deeh. xox

P.S That dude at the seminar was exteremely hot. He exuded the identical aura of 'The Asian Adonis' LOL.

Blogging Keeps me SANE

When I have much work to accomplish. Like english, for example.

It does. It does. So does music. CHOP SUEY!!! "I don't think you trust my self-righteous suicide. I cry when angels deserve to die...Wake up!" I LOVE THAT LINE. And I love GazettE, go jrock, man. Dir En Grey! Ah, my music rant, such a muso... helps me think as I go all english.

Lorraine we've missed you!! How have you been doing? Alright I hope. You missed our covert operations this morning. It was fun, we were suspending reality *cough*pretending*cough* and committing acts of espionage. Jess wanted to avoid you know who this morning, so they detoured and crossed the bridge to the lights, Harriet and I went to the shops to buy breakfast. We were calling each other (with our respective code names of course) "Pigfeet- er I mean, Pigfat! The enemy has been identified! Do not proceed, repeat, do not proceed to the destination!"

"Huh? Dana - I mean, OinkOink! Agent Jello is down! Agent Jello is down! *laugh*lol no she's not."

A while later... "Dana! Dana! He's not there anymore! He's not there anymore! I don't know where he is!"

*calling...*

"Pigfat! Proceed with caution! Proceed wth caution!! Enemyy not in sight!"

Erm... yes. SOME ONE was high this morning. That's how it went, and then Misha making that HILARIOUS joke at lunch. You have to hear it. Yoga this afternoon was also very relaxing and stress relieving. I bought a blazer and two tops for today (another jacket for my kk) for the seminar I'm attending in Melbourne on Saturday and Sunday.My dad told me to bring my laptop with me (in my laptop bag) and I was carrying it around in my blazer and heels, all dressed up (Because within me, there is a crazed femininity that dictates that I must plan an outfit before an event) and hell I lloked like a UNI STUDENT!! Woot. I don't think I've ever looked so sophoisticated... so like my cousin Maree, she's always so sophisticated looking. I love my blazer now. It's so awesome. As I have stated before, I love shopping with my dad. He doesn't care. I was going to buy the same blazer in beige (and it was gorgeous) but NO, mum said no because it's a light colour. So I bought the same blazer in a dark cobalt instead (lol right now Dyanne I have "Ivory jacket and chocolate pants" in my head).

Oh jeez, in elective history I'm the captain of this class debate. More work, but I love debating issues I can empassion myself to believe in. (Is empassion even a word? Hell, it's my neologism) I also have to start on the youth group bulletin, I am the editor after all. Ah english was so amusing. Me and my state of mind approaching schizophrenia. Yes R (I don't know if its with you for me to mention your name on my blog so have become the ambivalent 'R'), I berate myself quite a bit.

This is how it went down:

Dana (aka ME): "Let's use the thesaurus. I don't want to think anymore..."
R: *Raises curious eyebrow*
Girl in class: "Hey, can I borrow your thesaurus? I need to look up another word for stench."
Dana: "fetid, putrid, repugnant, repulsive, stagnant..."
R: *smiling* "And you said that you didn't want to think"
Dana: "Oh but I don't! I don't want to anymore!" *rifles through thesaurus aimlessly.
R: "I can't believe that you - of all people - just said that."
Dana: "Wait - urgh. That is a horrible atttiude....Urgh Dana! I can't believe I just said that."
*laughing* R: "You talk to yourself a lot."
Dana: "That I do. That I do."
Girl in class: "Fetid! F - E - T - I - D" *mumbles to herself*
R: *Looks up* "Isn't that the first word you said?"
Dana: "....Oh my gosh it was! Yeah...fetid, putrid, repugnant, repulsive stagnant..."
R: "Do you know the alternative to saying 'the'? Because I keep saying the. It's a bit repetitive."
Dana: "Well you could just state the sentence without using 'the' or restructure it.."
A few attempts later...
R: "See? We have to keep using 'the'"
Dana: "I know!" *amidst a sudden bout of 'highness' causing stupidity, "Let's use the thesaurus and look up 'the'!"
R: *stares*
Dana: "Well, yes I know there's a very low possibility, although I will absolutely piss myself laughing if it is in here!" ...a few page flicks later... "Oh no... it's not here. Would have been funny though."

- that was english.

LOL. I can't think of anything else and I'm running out of time here... :)

until next time -

- deeh xox

Shortie

Today's blog will be a short one.

Today = good.

Really short blog.

Stress. Essay due tomorrow. Now 11:15 pm

Haven't started.

Still making notes.

Almost panicking.

Must stay awake until completed.

Don't have time for full sentences.

Caught up with old primamry school friends. REALLY COOL. AWESOME, EVEN.

GREAT.

MUST GO. BYE BYE.

Lorraine, I hope you feel better.

In a rush. Ok. Bye bye.

til' next time -

- deeh xox.

P.S no time for post-script. (lol, the irony)

The Era of Howard Has Ended

KEVIN 07.

Catchy.

Did anyone else catch the election on channel seven? I must say, I'm quite on the fence about this election. As you may come to know, I am a very indecisive person who likes to please everybody in some way ergo I dislike choosing sides for whatever circumstance it may be.

Firstly, I would like to begin with my complaints to remove this negativity from my system. We attended a party today and since it was election day, naturally we were sitting there before the TV watching it unblinkingly with great fervour and interest. Yet ta-da! A filo party, of course there must be the presence of some Karaoke. So there we are, it's like, ten minutes until Howard arrives at Wentworth Hotel to deliver his concede of defeat and last speech as Prime Minister of Australia and they're all like: "Karaoke tayo!" Honestly, the future of the country is about to be revealed, and is at stake, and all you want to do is sing Karaoke! Honestly! It's ludicrous. Politics, although not as entertaining as achieving 99 on Magic Sing, is by far more substantial. I was more interested in the Coalition on 56 and the ALP on 87 than any other numbers at that moment.

I was also quite disappointed that Labour won in my electorate of Chifley. I mean, the Liberal guy was filo! Yes, that is racially biased of me but that would have been highly interesting if Diaz was elected. I do have my pride in my background, I must say. Ok, I've completed my rant.

LIBERAL

Secondly, I would like to discuss the past eleven and a half years with Mr. John Howard. I have always been one for tadition, continuity and I've always disliked to some extent, change. I've always been loyal to what I've always known, unwilling to step beyond my comfort zone. I'm afraid that this ideology and certain tendency does extend to my perceptions on politics. To be honest, I was quite saddened to see Mr. Howard leave. One cannot deny, that he was a great Prime Minister and true leader. I really don't care if you think what I say it bullshit, I'm just expressing my opinion.

The thought of Chifley, reminded me of history when we were learning about Ben Chifley and his contribution to our country. Now let's think, fifty years from now children in school will be learning about the great Australian Prime ministers of the 21st century, and I bet they will be learning about John Howard and his great contribution to our country. Fifty years from now, children will learn about him hauling this country out of debt and carrying us forth into prosperity. Which is absolutely true. In his farewell speech, Howard spoke of the prosperity which he has brought this country and I couldn't agree more. The dignity in which accepted his defeat was entirely admirable and worthy of the leader of this great nation. I can honestly say that I respect him now more than ever, than I ever have since I four years old.

Think about it, Howard has brought us out of the debt of Whitlam, Hawke, Keating and other Labour governments. He has lifted our economy to become stronger than ever before - look at us! We're almost reaching the United States! We're approximately 6-10 cents from matching them dollar to dollar! Isn't that brilliant? Our unemployment rates are low, and his government has been in all sense of the word, liberal. Liberal, right wing, conservative. The Liberal Party and their frugal ways have led this country into power and prosperity. He and Bush are best friends, and our international ties couldn't be any greater.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't think Howard is perfect. I do disagree upon him kissing Bush's ass every now and then and ignorning the UN, heading straight off into Iraq. It's the Vietnam War all over again - pointless crap. That is something I will never condone, neither will I accept his IR Laws. Yet it is for the good of the economy. I am also disappointed in the broken promise of maintaining low interest rates - they've been rising ever since he's been re-elected! I am also conflicted about him and his less than vigilant adherence to the Kyoto Protocol or his refusal to apologise to the Aboriginal Population of Australia (Although I do thoroughly understand his WHY he hasn't, and I accept that being of a conservative party - an apology would be out of the question.) Lastly, his campaign this year wasn't at all of good quality. The advertisements flashing on our TV screens were transparent tactics and propganda. All he did was attempt to make the Unions look displeasing. Make your enemy look bad. It's the oldest trick in the book. Rudd's campaign on the contrary was very clever.

Needless to say, I am quite saddened to see him go. I've always been a Liberal supporter, to the point that I've briefly considered joining the MySpace group (That King's boy had NOTHING to dow with it Lorraine! ok, may be just a little.) An era has really and finally reached at its completion. I've grown up seeing that man on my TV screen since I was four, and to think that after 33 years of occupying the Benelong seat, he's been alas out-voted. I'll well, miss him, and to be honest I don't think Peter Costello would have done a bad job either. He's been an exceptional treasurer.

Ah, no more jokes on Rove.

Farewell Mr. Howard, and thank you.

LABOUR

Firstly I would like to congratulate Mr. Rudd on his "Emphatic" Victory. He had a simple and clever campaign that did appeal to the greater population greatly. During his acceptance speech, and first speech as the Prime Minister of this country Rudd stated that this was the time for many people to not vote Liberal. I would have been one of them, had I been eligible to vote. Three more years! I have always been partial to Liberal, yet this time I've been swaying towards Labour.

I appreciate and am appealed to what he offers and I think I'm somewhat welcome to change this time. I am very curious to see what Rudd does with this country. JUST DON'T F*CK UP OUR ECONOMY!! Now that I've got that off my chest, I am ready to welcome this new government and their "fresh ideas." I like Rudd because he's alas going to actually confront global warming and water. He promises to be a Prime Minister for EVERY Australian. Wheteher or not he apoligises to the Indingenous Population of Australia remains to be seen, however. If he does make a formal apology to the Aboriginal population, they're going to be demanding compensation which is why Howard didn't apologise. Maybe Rudd can pull something clever and bypass that for the good of the greater economy.

Rudd also appeals to the everyday Jo Blow from down the road. I believe that, that whole strip club thing didn't ruin his reputation or standing amongst Australians, yet enhanced it. That may sound bizarre, yet take this into consideration - he suddenly has become so much more down to earth because of it. The fact that he speaks fluent mandarin is another perk although I wasn't seduced by that. Every one think he's cool because he can speak mandarin however I am more attracted to the fact that he was a former diplomat - therefore I am not too concerned with the future state of our foreign affairs. I'm only interested in where our relationship with the Unites States will go. Whatever will happen to the buddy-buddy friendship of Johnnie and Georgie?

I look forward with much anticipation towards the future of politics. Tim is wholly Liberal and compares the situation to an athlete who is at their peak and winning constant gold medals, suddenly taking drugs. However, I perceive it more as an athlete who is at their peak and winning constant gold medals and being trained by a new coach. Australia is under new management. It's much like 'Remember the Titans.' Coach Yoates was a brilliant and exceptional coach who cultivated the TC. Williams football team into greatness. However when Coach Boone takes the reigns, it is with reluctance and recalcitrance. No one wants him there - yet look at the possibilities. The Titans achieved perfection.

Hopefully, Kevin Rudd will be our Coach Boone.

JUST DON'T SCREW OUR ECONOMY.

I'm placing my faith in you Mr. Kevin Rudd. Please don't disappoint me.

GOOD LUCK! I WISH YOU THE VERY BEST!

Quoting the some of the last words of John Howard: "This is a great democracy"

these are my thoughts for now.

Until next time -

- deeh. xox.

P.S LOL didn't you all laugh when Howard had to keep saying "Please, please, please, please" LOL. Aw. Gosh. No more eyebrow jokes.