DAMN IT ALL!!!!!!!

DAMN ANIME HAIR AND DAMN PHOTOSHOP!!

I don't know why but for some incomprehensible stretch of the imagination, I decided to colour in one of my ancient anime drawings on photoshop today. Okay, I see that. Great - creative juices flowing. What I don't get it why I decide to torture myself. I just HAD to choose the one with the most elaborate hairstyle, and the most elaborate clothing with all the shading and the folds and everything! Mind you, I love that drawing it was one my best back in the day and I loved how intricate and elaborate it was so I kept on adding hair and folds. Little did I know that TWO YEARS LATER I WOULD DECIDED TO COLOUR IT! Jeez! If it was with coloured pencils, fine. The job would be done in a few hours. BUT THEN I GO AND CHOOSE PHOTOSHOP! AND I KNOW MY MOUSE SKILLS SUCK! It would have been much simpler with a graphics tablet. But no I don't have one of those.

Now my back kills so bad. After 7.5 hours of agony that is all I've accomplished. Damn anime hair! There's the original sketch that I love, and that damnable work in progress. I hate my mouse skills!

More on my emotional, nemo updates later. No time.

OMFG!!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW SPECTACULAR AND MAGNIFICENT THE SUNSET WAS TODAY!!!!!???? OMG IT WAS ETHEREAL AND TO DIE FOR! IT WAS A FANTASY, IT WAS THE EPITOME OF PULCHRITUDE. But did my camera have batteries? no. DAMMIT NO.

Adolescent Developments

I've asked for a break.

And I got one. He's at his friend's house.

We haven't spoken in three days.

I really miss him now, however, it's good we've been given a break. Now our conversations won't be bleak anymore.

Oh. Yeah. Not that this is very important, but I know I really don't like hip-boy now, he tried once more to be close and I upped the anti on my rejective body language. I think he's beginning to get the point.

:D

Well anyway, I have to practice both Jap and Visayan now, because I'm barely there for Jap and my parents want me to start speaking my native language... hmm... this will be fun. I don't mind being a linguist.

Well. To practice I'll say what I feel right now in three different languages:

"It's so hot!" "Atsui dayo!" "Puerte Inhita!"

There. English. Japanese. Filipino. There parentals. Go be happy. I'll post more later. At the moment, I must sleep.

Until next time -

- deeh xox.

P.S I practiced singing my parents' song. I CAN actually sing it. WOW. I was really surprised. Random, I know.

Frightened

I've just figured out something.

I'm positively frightened. Whenever I think of Nemo, I grow morose and melancholy simply grows inside my chest like a disease, as though my blood itself were turning black and pumping itself throughout my body.

Mostly because last night's conversation was bleak.

I'm afraid to lose him. I'm afraid that we'll dry out and become brittle, eventually snapping. I'm afraid that we'll stop this tradition of ours eventually and by the time we do see each other again, the things we promised each other will lose their meaning and special place in our lives. I'm afraid of the future.

I'm afraid of growing closer, because this is so new and I've never been thrown into the unknown before. You guys know me, I must know things, I want to know everything which is why I'm so damn uncomfortable.

And when I think of Asian Adonis, I feel happier. Why? It's not because I like him more, or less, it's because well, he's safe. He's unreachable, he's impossible and that's safe. Impossibility is safe.

How funny it is, that I find the possibility of a long distance relationship more likely than one with someone who lives less than 10km away?

I'm scared. I'm afraid, and yet I guess my disposition will be determined from tonight's events.

O gosh. *worry creases my brow*

Until next time -

- deeh xox

Bleeding

Sometimes I wonder what is bleeding me dry.

I don't know what's happening with me today, but this post will be short as I intend it to be. The long Melbourne post will be up at some point next week when I get around to finally writing it. Today I spent it whittling it away, a series of consciousness and unconsciousness simply too tired or morose to alter my disposition.

I was reading Jodi Picoult's "My Suster's Keeper" a book I've been desperate to read for a while now and yet, I'm not meant to be reading it. I bought in a whim and was meant to be a "reward" I manage to survive Brave New World, King Lear and Heart of Darkness. I also need to watch Blade Runner, and there goes my holiday. I believe sometimes it is school that bleeds me dry that cuts me, wastes me and drains me leaving my dry and uninspired. Which is probably why I never get any stories finished. "He was Saved" was a large achievement for me, simply to have it reach its completion.

I think I myself am holding that blade.

I think of that girl whose book was published upon turning fifteen. I think of how I envy her, evoking these feelings of hatred. Although it is not hatred for her, rather hatred for the fact the she lives the dream I do not. I often wonder whether she is as obligated to school as I am, whether she simply floats or treads water amidst academic success. It's like a drug for me, such success, a drug I'd do anything to acquire and yet most often I find my hands empty. I find myself wondering whether she simply leaves academics to be and focuses wholly on the completion of her novel, I wonder if her pride is lesser than mine, and she could actually do that. I am a proud person, and I'll admit that. As much as it has pained me to do so, I just have. Pride the greatest sin I unconsciously commit. I am both conscious and unconscious of it.

I do believe that part of the reason as to why I feel so depressed today is that I was reading Jodi Picoult. It's nothing against her, I love her books. I also can identify that the basis of that love emanates much from the fact that I can recognise so much of my own writing style within hers. It makes me realise how much I miss writing, how much of this ambitious dream is laid out before me and yet school and other prattling matters become my obstacles. I remember how much I was inspired and filled with such desire I was to complete my novel and I've only so much as written my prologue.

Yesterday I mentioned Alfred Hitchcock. I explained myself so erroneously yesterday. By no means, Dyanne, do I compare myself to his genius as heinous as he is. I may be proud, but I know the distinction between proud and egotistical, and that would be highly egotistical to dare to compare myself to him.

Part of my melancholy derives from the fact that I still do miss everyone in Melbourne, dearly. I realised that upon having a discussion with my mum last night. It's not the events I miss, I don't miss Geelong despite that I had immense fun there. I miss the family, the people I was surrounded with. I could go to Geelong now and I would hate it, simply because the people that had made that memory worthwhile are absent. I'm afraid this longing is beginning to manifest in my dreams. This morning in the three seconds of blissful oblivion where reality is suspended within that haze of sleep as it dispels I led myself to believe that it was he who I clutched in my arms rather than the familiar pillow I sighed into as I drifted into slumber. It was then when my room blurred into my vision via morning light, that I realised that the light itself had slapped me. Slapped me awake, slapped me into reality, and slapped me back into the state of unconscious consciousness - when you're awake but no one is really there.

And so I went about my day and found myself in the shower, realising that I had already soaped that arm twice, staring at it in my hand and yet my hand kept scrubbing because somehow I didn't know how to stop it. Or when I played piano, feeling the emotion of the song draining out of me with every note as I memorised where my hands should be rather than the quality of the sound. It was a beautiful piece of music and I stopped because I was ruining it. I wasn't concentrating, instead I was worrying about why I was being bled dry and why such eloquence couldn't come to me when I want to write, or why I can form so many characters in my head but never the main. By then, the keys were heavy and I couldn't produce a sound.

I think I may have a slight crush on the illustrious "him" happens not to be the Asian Adonis. And for my own sanity he shall be called "Nemo" because apparently that's what everyone immediately associates him with. I realised just how shallow I sounded yesterday in Dymocks when I explained that I was falling for his personality more so than his looks. I was drawn to his personality and then the looks came afterward. Usually it's vice versa with me, and the personality part doesn't even come into it. Certain people have certain auras I'm attracted to and with the Asian Adonis, I think I simply allowed myself to be caught up in how attractive he was. He had an outstanding aura that was spectacular and gorgeous and stunning, and yet he was humble. Because that's who he is. Yet with "Nemo" everything is simple. Everything clicks, and even though I have to reach 896km away, he seems more real and more close to me than Asian Adonis ever did. However, I could just be saying that now, I haven't seen the said Adonis in over a month, while it was some week ago that I bade farewell to you know who. His was face was the last thing in my mind before I detached myself and said goodbye. My emotions are likely to sway as volatile as they are.

Although sometimes I don't think that I'm THAT shallow. That Vale guy is a prime example. Most of you won't think he's hot. You'd be like, yeah, he's relatively good looking and then you'd turn the other way. However he is charismatic, eloquent, and all about humanities. I think it was those qualities that "made" him hot for me, because of those common areas and I do believe attraction tends to apply those rose-coloured glasses to your eyes. He was very ambitious, and I think the ambition within me recognised the ambition within him. I knew I could have an entirely intellectual conversation with him and I wouln't have to hold back on anything. Therefore he seemed "hot" to me. What's hot and what's not is all based on perception in my opinion.

"He" (Nemo just seems too ridiculous right now, I'm afraid Dyanne if you read this you won't take me seriously) is the same. I was drawn to his personality more so than his looks and then because of that I began to recognise the way his eyes scrunched up when he smiled, so you could only witness a glint of what he was feeling inside, or the dimple that came with it. Or notice how rare that smile was and how it would only emerge when he was very comfortable. Or the way it would simply be cheerful, genial and bashful at the same time. Or the way that simple expression could be so warm. He's got the warmest smile I've ever seen.

It kind of elicits a similar feeling within me when AA smiles, only his smile just hits you with such a stunning, gorgeous Mona Lisa, perfection. While his is a subtle bashful, warmth.

That's the only way I know how to explain it and I'm afraid I'm going insane.

Well, that's a great load off my chest. I thoat that this would be short. And now look where it's got me. At least in "bleeding" so to speak, all this raw parasitic emotion has been released from my system. I feel much better now. I'm telling myself no worries, because the sun will shine another day, perhaps just not this one.

I need to go and sort out myself, and sort out that main character!

Until next time -

- deeh xox

OMFG WENTZ IS A RANGA!!!

Ok I'm still writing up the loooong Melbourne recount post which is why I haven't been updating much - HOWEVER!

I just returned to check on the forum today. It's Teppei's birthday, how could I not?

ANYWAY. I SAW THE NEW PICS.

AND WENTZ EIJI IS NOW A RANGA!!! ZOMG!! HE'S RANGA!! HE HAS REDDISH HAIR NOW!!

A little darker and it's Edward-like.... hmmm...

BUT I FREAKED OUT SO BAD.

HE'S RANGA!!

TWILIGHT! AND WHY JACOB BLACK MUST DIE!!!

No time to really blog right now seeing as I am leaving for Melbourne in 4.5 hours and I really must sleep before I partake on the gluteus-maximus numbing car ride. You may notice later on that I'll be saving all my creative swearing for the character that is Jacob Black.

I really need to vent this. I have all this emotion swirling around me, inside of me ready to burst out of me as though my skin were the only thing holding me together. I have finished reading the Twilight series, and I am an emotional wreck. It is moments like these when I realise that this is the very reason why I want to become a writer, to inspire emotion, to capture to compel and to create that ambience. Despite that I am raging and conflicted and somewhat hateful inside, I love it.

I've copied and pasted this next part from a comment I gave the wonderful Dyanne on her blog. I want to murder Jacob Black. I do, I seriously do. I absolutely loathed the fact that Eclipse ended with his OPINION. I really HATED that whole King Solomon, as if. JACOB YOU WERE CUTTING BELLA IN HALF FROM THE BEGINNING! EDWARD WAS GIVING HER UP FROM THE START. NO YOU DO NOT LOVE HER MORE. YOU'RE PUPPY LOVE AIN'T WORTH SHIT AGAINST EDWARD'S CHASM OF ENDLESS DEVOTION AND LOVING SOUL-MATE-ISM.

Their love is stronger than ANYTHING that, that stupid DOG can ever conceive. Oh don't we all love how Edward just saved the day? I was so glad it was Seth and not Jacob who ripped off Riley's head. I could honestly not BEAR reading Bella kissing Jacob back and realising that she's in "love" with him too. I'd rather read that horrific, putrifying, disgusting, fetidly repugnant scene at the end of Harry Potter when Hermione kissed Ron, a thousand times than to relive that experience, knowing that Edward would be there.

Dude it's Edward, he loves her more than she'll ever truly begin to even fathom. And Jacob is just there stealing her away making Edward look like the patron saint of ethics. Which he is, him and his heart-warming propriety...never letting a kiss go too far and all - except for that last part in the meadow when he kind of did want what Bella was pleading for (good lord I'd never be able to refuse him). I was irrationally furious for Edward when Jacob and Bella *gag* ... and Edward was laughing about it.

Oh look at me, discussing these characters as though they were corporeal. I love what the imagination does, it brings life.

I wish I had my own Edward. (oh don't we all, or Jasper - he's awesome too) I really do, not every gal is lucky enough to have the personification of perfection sitting with them, protective arms wrapped around them, whispering in their ear quite seductively all of Romeo's lines as he said them on the TV screen.

That would be very hot.

Really, I've never read a book that's had be crying, actually crying, almost sobbing and whining and... well quite incoherent. I was ACTUALLY CRYING, none of this teary eyed crap...but I was CRYING. Not once, not twice but oh ok 4 or 5 times.

The first time was when Edward was breaking up with her. I remember myself crying so distinctly because I had never been so shocked (at myself becoming more than lachrymose). I WAS ACTUALLY CRYING. Despite that I knew they'd get together again, I was woe all over. Then the next couple of times I cried for Bella and her reckless self endangerment just to hear Edward's voice, and the pain on his face when he was about to incite the Volturi's wrath. (I just LOVE how he has a flair for the theatric and dramatic, reminds me of Draco) I also cried when the Jacob Bella scenes were happening, mostly because I felt this overwhelming sense of betrayal on Bella's part and anger at Jacob. I was just sitting there in my little ambience bubble babbling "Edward...Edward... what about Edward?"

I had also cried many FURIOUS TEARS over Jacob Black I SERIOUSLY wanted to bash his head in, and I REALLY wanted Edward to brake his jaw. Why did he have to be such an intelligent, loving gentleman? Ah but that is Edward.

Man... I wanted to read the wedding. But no, we jut had to have some stupid shit about Jacob and how he's all emo, and angsty and oh she didn't choose me.

Throughout the entire time I was reading New Moon I was thinking "Hmm Jacob Black... why can't he just...Oh I don't know... FUCK OFF?"

At first I was oh, yeah, Jacob... seems pretty innocent to me. BUT NO YOU CONNIVING, CUNNING PETTY THIEF!! YOU MONGREL! YOU FETID WASTE OF CANINE TALENT! YOU CAN'T LOVE BELLA LIKE EDWARD DOES. HE PAWNS YOU! SO STOP TRYING TO TAKE HER AWAY! YOU ASSHOLE! I FUCKING HATE YOU! YOU SORE, PUPPY BITCH! HOW DARE YOU TEMPT EDWARD LIKE THAT, STUPID OVER HEATED SPACE-HEATER! JUST GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF, AND THIS TIME DON'T RESURFACE! YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANYTHING AGAINST THE VAMPIRES! THEY PAWN YOU! THEY ALL PAWN YOU! SO YOU JUST GO SHOVE OFF BECAUSE BELLA CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU.

Ouch. Harsh. But I REALLY hate him. I can be even more creative but I don't have time. That above rant doesn't even come close to how I truly want to articulate my hatred for Jacob Black. And if the casting directors cast Steven Strait as him, I will die. I will not be torn over Edward and Jacob. I loved steven in the covenant and if he's jacob I might just not watch it for that very reason.

He'd better be butt ugly.

Good thing he's fictional. For I'd really be upset with myself if I ever felt this way against an actual person.

Oh wow! Look at the time! Shit, I have to sleep I've been typing away my rant here for so long.

P.S DYZ AND LO IF YOU ARE READING THIS. I REALLY LOVE YOU, in the most sisterly platonic sense possible.

thought you should know that for Christmas.

P.S you can predict what I'll say here. JACOB BLACK MUST DIE!

Until next time (which may be a long time due to Melbourne tomorrow and for the next week) -

- deeh xox

HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

I hate Jacob Black. "Air to breathe, sun to warm you" my ass. Eff off Jacob. Edward although he may be perceived as being like a drug. He isn't. He's the eternal rocks beneath. He's her foundation, her core, her reason for living.

Answer me this Jacob: For what use is one's lungs without the heart?

You may have made a miniscule tear on Bella's heart but Edward left a HOLE beat that bitch.

"My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods. Time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees - my love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath - a source of little visible delight, but necessary."

This has brought to me a whole new understanding of Wuthering Heights to me.

I must go back and read. I don't think I was as insightful when I was twelve (when I first read it) as I am now.

HERE I GO RANTING AGAIN.

OK. MERRY CHRISTMAS! BYE!

Commencement of the Holidays!

Yes it is. Yes it is. And not once have I slept in. Oh Lordy, I've been too busy playing caretaker of my little brother (taking him to school and such). In my leisure time I content myself with random films and reading Twilight repeatedly. (It's now a burgeoning obsession.)

Of three things I am now absolutely certain:

1) I am now obsessed with Edward Cullen. (LOL there's a girl on YouTube who pronounces 'Cullen' as 'Colon.')

2) 'Windex' is a highly competent carpet cleaner. (Excellent if Orange soft drink happens to spontaneously combust all over your blue carpet. However with most cleaning products, you have to be quite hasty).

3) I am currently living in an unrequited... "affection" line? Bizarre as it sounds, it's true - although it stops with the Asian Adonis.

It is the third fact that highly disconcerts me. I am aware that in my previous post that I refused to dwell further on suffering through that blatant 'flirting' attempt. Although maybe not so blatant. I like to fancy myself as a quite attentive person, I'm quite observant (ZOMG! I'M WATCHING BANANAS IN PYJAMAS. I LOVE THIS SHOW! yes reliving childhood memories, I digress...) and it is because of this advanageous quality that I attribute my academic...talent? I don't know. Anyway I saw through everything he was doing, and although sweet - it bothers me. I am highly troubled because I don't reciprocate his feelings, mainly because A) He's not my type and B)I have feelings for someone else. I'm trying to let him off easy, mollifying the fall by trying to shun him away via body language. I think I've been quite obvious. HOW DENSE CAN HE BE? I honestly don't know, 'hip-boy' just doesn't get it. I mean I like him as a friend yeah, he's nice but I'm not attracted to him in anyway. Perhaps it's because I'm friendly to him, no double entendre intended.

HE. MISSED. THE. BOAT.

Also, if he thinks that I'm just some kind of conquest like before, he can just run off now. I've forgiven him for that 'playa' comment, but I'm not stupid. I've moved on already, he's 2 months too late.

I don't want to think about this anymore. It depresses me, especially since I had another weirdo dream where Asian Adonis was playing the star role.

Moving on.

I need New Moon. My head is filled with Fantasy right now and it's inspiring me to commence my novel. There's still so much planning to do though. I think I'll just write the prologue at least. I also have other things to do for the youth group, such as design those business cards and the draft for the bulletin. I told Jay I had a draft, little did he know that, that draft was in my head. I need to extract it from my head and onto publisher. That shoudln't be too hard, I'm just procrastinating too much. I'll do it as soon as I am able. I watched Stardust. LOL I loved Clare Danes in that movie, I loved her sarcastic personality. "Uh let me think, it landed over there and then, hmm this must be where she was until she was hit by a magical flying moron!"

"...Y-You're the star!"

*glowering look*

LOL. It was the guy from Casanova. Although he looked infinitely better in this movie with the long hair and the fact that he wasn't overshadowed by the wonderful Heath Ledger. (You reckon he could ever be a Carlisle? LOL) (OMG on ABC there's some animal show narrated by Vanessa Williams) To be honest, and don't kill me Dyanne...Robert Pattinson as Edward is growing on me. He's growing on me. They just need to fix his eyebrows. He's not entirely Edward but I've been thinking about it and I believe that make-up can do quite a lot. I hope they can pull it off and make him look all smexy-like. I think what threw everyone off was that atrocious photo of him on Stephenie Meyer's website. He's good-lookng but not photogenic. But I'll admit he's an attractive, and he's not too old either.

Oh well, we shall just see.

I think I need to watch some more of his work in order to decide sufficiently whether or not he's acting ability can produce Edward's demeanour. Now where did my copy of Goblet go??? Tom Sturridge and Emily Browning would have been good (yes I agree with you Dyanne, I still like Anna Pacquin though.) but what can ya do? I dunno the reactions of people of youtube are funny.

I probably should go now, and hop to doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Until next time my loves-

- deeh xox