Expeditions.

Went to the city with my lovely mummy.

Yeah she showed me the way and everything, but then I had to venture off by myself.

THAT DAMN STATE LIBRARY AND ITS BLOODY REGULATIONS AND SYSTEMS AND RULES AND THE NEED FOR AN ID!

I shall say no more.

BUT OMG MUM! COULD YOU BE LESS EMBARASSING! I can't believe she told him! SHE TOLD HIM! GAWD SHE EMBRASSED THE CRAP OUT OF ME!

Oh and that richfgt. Jeez. Replies WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT!!! HONESTLY.

THROWS ME INTO A SPIN! I can't freaking write anymore, gaahhh.

Can't say more, don't have time but MY FIRST CHAPTER IS FINISHED!!!!!

Editing ensues!

Until next time my loves,

- deeh xox =D

Drowning *ahem* DRIVING Lessons

Tim gave me my first unofficial driving lesson.

He let me drive up our street and turn into the driveway. It was....hmmm... HILARIOUS! I couldn't stop laughing! Yeah, I was drowning in my tears of laughter. Tim was so scared.

"Ok - break, you can step on the accelerator now... a little harder, a little harder....BREAK!!!" WHIPLASH! ROFLMAO.

I cracked up so hard, some of his instructions were so uproariously funny.

"Okay, now press the accelerator. Gently, ok, gently - gently yeah? Dont fucken floor it, alright?"

LOOOOOOL!!!!!

Sigh, sigh, sigh.

On to other things, OMG YEAH. HE'S BEEN TO JAPAN. WHY? WHY? WHY?!!!

WHY DOES EVERYONE GET TO LIVE MY DREAMS - BUT ME!

But omg, if he studies Nihongo....omg... die.

But I must go, must go - study awaits!

I want to write.

Until next time -

- deeh xox

P.S So far, Lo, dyz, jelly, jess, lana and misha are coming to my party! Can't wait for more!

Holidays have a arrived!

YAY!

LOL I've become a myspace-r.

And dyz is loving it.

Damn you. I was getting excited about you losing Liebe. That would be very funny, and in all honesty, I wouldn't mind losing it. *shrug* But to the right person of course lol.

Which probably won't happen, because I only want to be his friend. (Yeah, keep telling yourself that deeh.) K. For now.

6 DAYS UNTIL I AM 16 Ye-uh!

OMG. None of you will get this but I do, and I just have to squeal it out. He's soooooOOOOOO cuuuuuuuuuuuute!!!!! GAH!!!! LOL.
o(>__________<)"o

Nya. I'll shut up now. Just shut UP DEEH!

Just his friend, just his friend.

Argghhh like a pirate.

I must go and reap the benefits of freshly discovered, holiday freedom =D

Until next time-

- deeh xox

P.S Kareshi wa mecha mecha kawaii!!!

EW.

I can't believe that I just did that... that... "sigh" thing. You know, that cliche sigh that apparently all adolescent girls with a crush do?

EW.

EW. I've just been placed in that category. Oh dear GOD.

Damn him. Why did he have to be so perfect?

Anyone Know the best way to kill yourself?

I should probably just get over myself and get fucked.

Can't I just walk on to reservoir road tomorrow morning and lame out there and die?

Stuff it. If there's any control I can have over my life, it's the way in which I die.

Like you said dyanne, I have completely no control over my destiny.

I think that this is the one thing that I can control.

LOL. How typical, typical, typical deeh.

YOU FUCKING CONTROL FREAK.

I'm just going to go fucking die now.

I'm not going to do it myself, is it only because I fear God?

Probably.

Wow, I'm more pitiful than I thought.

Just making a random observation

Hmmm, watching blood dry is such an interesting thing. Gotta wait for it to congeal and scab or else my mum might be suspicious at marks on my clothing....

wow. It's like an old unwanted friend. Someone you need, yet loathe at the same time. Okay, maybe uneasy allies, not friends. I'm not friends with the utensils I use, I hate them. But in times like these, I need them.

Tuesdays are for crying.

And now I see myself at 13 once again with the same thoughts.

I promised myself that I'd never do it again but those scissors in my pencil case are looking mighty friendly right now.

Hopeless, despondent, defeated.

The same thoughts.

Will I do it again? Hm. I'm defeated now. You've won. You hear that, cynics of the world? YOU'VE FUCKING WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm tired.

And empty. I feel as though this has been the final nail that has split me in two.

Will I do it again? I keep my promises for dignity and integrity, but do I have that anymore? Will I lose all hope for love? as misha has? I would lose all self respect that I have for myself if I do.

WOW. I think I'm losing myself respect. Am I that defeated? Maybe, yes? wow, you've guys have sure done a number on me now, you've won. You've really won, I never thought that I'd see the day where I'd look into the mirror and find myself at 13 once again, but I do now. And you know what, why not?

I'll do it again, if it gets me off this mood and into my work I will.

I live for work now. Nothing else.

Nothing.

I'm alone now. Again.

And this is the last time love will ever blind me.

Dana's gone now. And that hurts. Hurts to know that because of love I ruined that perfect day, hurts to know that because of love I was too worried and lost sleep and couldn't work at all, hurts to know that all my concern and worry was for nothing. Was at my expense. And now the essay that I should have done yesterday is something I have to do now.

Last Tuesday I found out that I was betrayed, and therefore humiliated.

This Tuesday I'm humiliated and defeated.

Ooooh I wonder what next Tuesday will bring? More humiliation? Betrayal? Death?

I look forward to it.

HEY! I'M STUPID IDIOTIC, GULLIBLE PERSON, ATTACK ME! ATTACK ME! LEAVE ME ON THE FLOOR TO DIE! KICK ME WHILE I'M DOWN! DO AS MY MUM DID! ACCORDING TO HER MY GULLIBILITY THEREFORE GIVES EVERYONE LICENSE TO TREAT ME AS A NOVELTY! GO AHEAD! I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.

If my defeat gives you pleasure, then that's wonderful, at least some fucking good comes out of this.

And I don't blame anyone but myself.

This is all my fault. I brought my own demise. I guess that my hopes were too big for this world.

I've lost my dream, drive, ambition. I'm lost now. I've lost now. You've won, cynics. You've won.

Come, next Tuesday I'm available for habitual humiliation. Come one, come all, want to see me cry? Book an appointment for next Tuesday and watch my demise.

Because everything, everything now is all my fault. Intelligent girl, no common sense. I hurt so many people because I was hurt, and that's my fault. I should have seen the signs, BUT NOOOOOO I was too optimistic, too hopeful and now. I am nothing.

If there ever will be a next time - (If I haven't jumped off the balcony by then, and rid the world of my gloomy evil)

- Nothing. deeh, doesn't really exist anymore.

xox