Frightened

I've just figured out something.

I'm positively frightened. Whenever I think of Nemo, I grow morose and melancholy simply grows inside my chest like a disease, as though my blood itself were turning black and pumping itself throughout my body.

Mostly because last night's conversation was bleak.

I'm afraid to lose him. I'm afraid that we'll dry out and become brittle, eventually snapping. I'm afraid that we'll stop this tradition of ours eventually and by the time we do see each other again, the things we promised each other will lose their meaning and special place in our lives. I'm afraid of the future.

I'm afraid of growing closer, because this is so new and I've never been thrown into the unknown before. You guys know me, I must know things, I want to know everything which is why I'm so damn uncomfortable.

And when I think of Asian Adonis, I feel happier. Why? It's not because I like him more, or less, it's because well, he's safe. He's unreachable, he's impossible and that's safe. Impossibility is safe.

How funny it is, that I find the possibility of a long distance relationship more likely than one with someone who lives less than 10km away?

I'm scared. I'm afraid, and yet I guess my disposition will be determined from tonight's events.

O gosh. *worry creases my brow*

Until next time -

- deeh xox