Tuesdays are for crying.

And now I see myself at 13 once again with the same thoughts.

I promised myself that I'd never do it again but those scissors in my pencil case are looking mighty friendly right now.

Hopeless, despondent, defeated.

The same thoughts.

Will I do it again? Hm. I'm defeated now. You've won. You hear that, cynics of the world? YOU'VE FUCKING WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm tired.

And empty. I feel as though this has been the final nail that has split me in two.

Will I do it again? I keep my promises for dignity and integrity, but do I have that anymore? Will I lose all hope for love? as misha has? I would lose all self respect that I have for myself if I do.

WOW. I think I'm losing myself respect. Am I that defeated? Maybe, yes? wow, you've guys have sure done a number on me now, you've won. You've really won, I never thought that I'd see the day where I'd look into the mirror and find myself at 13 once again, but I do now. And you know what, why not?

I'll do it again, if it gets me off this mood and into my work I will.

I live for work now. Nothing else.

Nothing.

I'm alone now. Again.

And this is the last time love will ever blind me.

Dana's gone now. And that hurts. Hurts to know that because of love I ruined that perfect day, hurts to know that because of love I was too worried and lost sleep and couldn't work at all, hurts to know that all my concern and worry was for nothing. Was at my expense. And now the essay that I should have done yesterday is something I have to do now.

Last Tuesday I found out that I was betrayed, and therefore humiliated.

This Tuesday I'm humiliated and defeated.

Ooooh I wonder what next Tuesday will bring? More humiliation? Betrayal? Death?

I look forward to it.

HEY! I'M STUPID IDIOTIC, GULLIBLE PERSON, ATTACK ME! ATTACK ME! LEAVE ME ON THE FLOOR TO DIE! KICK ME WHILE I'M DOWN! DO AS MY MUM DID! ACCORDING TO HER MY GULLIBILITY THEREFORE GIVES EVERYONE LICENSE TO TREAT ME AS A NOVELTY! GO AHEAD! I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.

If my defeat gives you pleasure, then that's wonderful, at least some fucking good comes out of this.

And I don't blame anyone but myself.

This is all my fault. I brought my own demise. I guess that my hopes were too big for this world.

I've lost my dream, drive, ambition. I'm lost now. I've lost now. You've won, cynics. You've won.

Come, next Tuesday I'm available for habitual humiliation. Come one, come all, want to see me cry? Book an appointment for next Tuesday and watch my demise.

Because everything, everything now is all my fault. Intelligent girl, no common sense. I hurt so many people because I was hurt, and that's my fault. I should have seen the signs, BUT NOOOOOO I was too optimistic, too hopeful and now. I am nothing.

If there ever will be a next time - (If I haven't jumped off the balcony by then, and rid the world of my gloomy evil)

- Nothing. deeh, doesn't really exist anymore.

xox