Tuesday, 3 July 2012

I'm happy for you!

But at night when the doors of the world close, abandoned in the sea of my own thoughts, all I can think of is the distance between us.

I pray that this does not separate us farther from each other. I hate this chasm we cannot cross, this fissure we cannot mend. There's a part of you that you can't share. There's a part of me that you cannot understand. I hug you so tight it hurts, but there's still the spaces between us, walls around our hearts. It is a sadness that has seeped into my soul. Here in this contemporary place, it is the remaining echo of a bloody past. Who knew that a historical schism could still reverberate so much pain 400 years into the future?

Lord? Is it your will that we walk together? Is it your will that our fates intertwine but never join? Sometimes it's like You're telling me to have patience and never give up, that one day the streams will meet and the waters will mingle. Sometimes You're telling me that there's a joining up ahead, but it is a path that can only be forged by You and I alone. Yet Lord, I cannot help but feel that he and I are being wedged evermore apart, that while our hands are joined we stand forever on opposite sides of a parallel, never to meet.

The alarm rings. It's 2:46 AM and I'm still awake. Closing my eyes and turning over, shy little tears slip across my cheeks. They glance past my quivering attempt at a smile. I am happy for you. Truly.

Although I will admit that this past week, despite being being fake, I have smiled for your sake.

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