NEMURI!

AKA: I want to sleep

I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm freaking out and all I want to do right now is sleep. Desperately.

I'm freaking out. I'll have to take history debating into my own hands if this were to work and so now... I'm going to do it. I'm going to demand that everyone sends me their info. I will demand it. So I can write up and organise everything into three key points and get myself organised so I can write this thing. I also have to practice it. ARGH! I'm so annoyed right now! Why do all my group members (including myself I must admit) have 1001 commitments going on? It's outrageous.

I wish it were the holidays.

I wish My life could just be in order and under control.

Life is a Biznatch

Short post now. Amidst watching TV.

All I have to say, when it comes to love - life likes to kick me in the proverbial balls and shoves me against the floor.

Can I please be apathetic?

Why do I have to crush on him?? I swear... It's happened to me before and now it's happening again. Why do I have to obliviously crush on unavailable guys, and then find out they had a gf? ARGH! Especially when his gf happens to be a friend of mine.

Don't worry it's all look, no touch with me.

I won't even dare. Argh, who cares. It's probably a phase, that'll be finished by next week anyway.

Move on deeh. You have school to concentrate on, and I do. *sigh*

Why does life like to kick my ass?

Insignificant

I FEEL "SOFA-KING" INSIGNIFICANT RIGHT NOW. (quote the lovely Dyanne)

Life's just shit, you know? Excuse my ribald language in this post but I'm not exactly feeling chipper today. It started out like crap and its still going like crap. I'm tired of all the fcuking bullshit I have to put up with here at home. Sometimes I wish I could stay at school longer or something, but honestly, who likes staying at school? I want to get a job, you know, anything to delay having to come home. And I get paid for it, it would all end well if only life were so bloody romanticized like we all freaking wish it to be. Too bad teachers have shoved me into to freaking many things to give me any bloody time to have a job, let alone A LIFE. They've just squeezed all my creative juices and inspiration out of me that I'm not producing anything of worthy quality anymore. It's fcuking pissing me off. Here at home I feel so bloody insignificant. I only feel worth something at school because people think I'm intelligent. Here at home I'm the annoying bystander who's not worth shit, and only purpose is to clean, cook and remind everyone when their bloody TV show is on, because they effing remember the bloody channel even though they've been watching the damn show for four years. I'm even told to fcuking stay out of arguments that were started because of me. I mean WTF? An argument started today because I needed the computer (its this whole complicated thing that's just more bull) then when I try to resolve the situation by telling people I'm fine they turn their attention away from yelling at each other to yelling at me "STAY OUT OF IT!" I mean wtf? Hello? I fcuking unintentionally started the bloody argument and now all of a sudden, its none of my effing business? Yeah that tells me I'm about as significant as an ant in the whole damn universe. So I retreat to my room to escape it all and wish desperately for my mp3 player if it were only not so effing out of battery. Then suddenly I hear that this whole situation is my own bloody fault because I was watching movies earlier. WTF IF I WANNA FRIGGING WATCH A MOVIE TO ESCAPE WHAT MY LIFE IS REALLY LIKE THEN I'LL GO AHEAD DO AS I DAMN WANT TO!! I'LL DO MY EFFING HOMEOWRK WHEN I WANT TO! Because gyprock (got nfi about how its spelled) is completely hollow and you can hear ever damn word issuiong from their mouths and I'm sofa-king tired of all this bullshit and arguing in this house.

If only I could escape. I wish I had some tree house high in the sky or something...

The Shaded Rose

I was going to upload something, but my computer died for a few days, and now it's alive again! I honestly don't know as to how I survived the week with no computer, internet, printer... other electronical devices etc. etc.

But during this "blackout" time I discovered how much my life does depend on computers...I also discovered the inspiration to write poetry! (Which is really saying something since I SUCK! at poetry - seriously, it's not a pretty sight) But I managed to produce this dribble which I actually like... and yes before you ask the question - I do feel lonely.

- The Shaded Rose -

She blooms most beautifully,
Petals, a vivid lustful red
She reaches out articulately,
Yet on her lips, no light is shed.

Her companions grow and prosper
Whilst she remains in shade,
Her stem is tall and full of colour
Only darkness she is paid.

Sunlight filters through the leaves
and she hopes her day has come,
Yet petals 'tis the snow that sheathes
Vibrace alas undone.

Hands pluck others delicately,
In choice by beauty and nature,
Behold they leave gracefully,
Her quest had reached a failure.

One by one, her petals drop
As her companons receive caress
Beautiful, is she not?
'Tis her faith that she must test.

The others, they atill symbolize,
The grace and beauty of romance,
Yet there stays none the wise
Mocked, not spared a glance.

Finally the last petals falls
and she crumbles to the earth.
When will be her needed call,
To receive Aphrodites' mirth?

The ground littered with brown stain,
Of once red beauty from above,
She dies in hope to live again,
To share a virgin love.

-deeh

Euphoria

Suprisingly today was such a fantastic day! I loved it! What really made my day was in period three when a group of actors came to the school and performed parts of Shakespeare's Macbeth and Hamlet. It was absolutely excellent and bloody brilliant! I loved every minute of it and it was abso-freaking-lutely hilarious! The expressions, timing, accents were perfect and SSOOO FUNNY!! They also played a scene of Mabeth with two different interpretations, which was very thought provoking and very interesting indeed. Not to mention, one of the actors was just HOT and HILARIOUS (like wentz xD) *melt* *melt* But the other guy was cute too with this hot as english accent who studied in London. (ooohh aaah)

It was wonderful with their accents, expecially with the hot guy and his exaggerated French accent. "Hamlet is very much an action man!" Said he in his French accent whilst doing this suggestive bob... (BWAHA! xDDD ) "Eh? So you say I drink zis bottle of Water because of fate? NO! I have a choice!" aaahahaha! I love it! Dang he was ssooo pretty!! ><" and he played an excellent Hamlet. The english guy also played the excellent two versions of Macbeth, both submissive and agressive (LOL Dyanne and her "agressive bedrom-ness" AHAHAHA! They were so awesome, and the other woman who was in the metamucil add with the enormous sandwich! She was so funky, her accents were amazing and the way she played ophelia was heartbreaking. But dang, if I went out with that guy I wouldn't mind going through "I loved thee... not" *MELT*

and then after shcool (god I sound like such a school girl) when I was walking with jess to my locker after last period, we saw them walk out of the forum and stopped in our tracks, jaws hanging open just staring. He walked passed us with his black jacket, bag slung over his shoulder and HOT AS aviator sunglasses!! *DYING* gaaah!! >______<" Then Dyanne came running up squealing "DID YOU SEE THEM!" AAAH!! Dyanne went back to her locker after jess and I looked at each other and dissolved into hysterical fits of giggling. Jess then said "Have we really come to this age? Have we really come to the stage where we perve and giggle over a guy?" BUt OMG those aviators! After we hastily packed our bags Dyanne grabbed us and said "hey!! maybe we can see them getting into the car!!" (God, how obsessive, I know) We then began running our asses off towards the front gates, Dyanne practically dragging me while I yelled "NO!! I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T BECOME THIS TYPE OF GIRL!" And yet harboured the secret desire to see him one more time... but yeah so I submitted to it, and saw a glimpse of his silhouette in the car.

DAMN WE WERE SO EFFING CRAZY. I don't want to sound like a naive school girl!! GAH!

Today was simply superfluous. I loved it to bits. Someone I know said it was crap...and I was told that whilst I still rode the euphoric high of just stepping out of the performance. But I know her, she's just too opinionated and narrow-minded. In response I threw my nose in the air and proclaimed "F*** She wouldn't know sophisticated literature if it slapped her in the face!" and Dyanne, in response to that said "That Uncultured Swine!" (quote from Toy Story). Then we began talking about going to the Sydney Opera House to watch the Sydney Symphony orchestra... which was fun to contrive...to which we concluded that "we have class" since we also intend to go see a shakespeare play live together. Because seeing Macbeth actually acted out and said as it should rather than just imagining it and reading the words was simply beautiful! I don't how Shakespeare does it but the articulation and just simply the sound of it flowing from someone's speech is pure genious. I think it has something to do with iambic pentameter, but it sounded blissful. I must go see one sometime.

Promises and Plans

I promised myself that I would upload a blog here everyday, and well, evidently I haven't but I'll start making an effort to try. No matter how short it is. So here I am, excusing myself from assignments, reading and homework for a break to write.

I'm thinking about writing a novel length story. I have half-written one before, but then the plot just became waaay to complicated and I drove myself into a rut. I never finished that story because the plot was simply too ambitious for my abilites. I have a few rough ideas formulating in my mind, the story will be fantasy of course, seeing as it is my favourite genre. I'm beginning to study the mythology of other religions and regions of the world to gain inspiration, because seriously, who wants another medieval fantasy? I mean there will be that type of fantasy influence permeating it but... I'm sick of reading about some Lord guy or princess that gets cursed by the hideous hag or cheeky elf. I'm not belittling that in anyway, I just want to deviate from that typical fantasy genre. Now I'll be doing meticulous planning, which I understand will take time, but will avoid writers blocks and lengthy "dragging-on-ness" We've been learning about Aboriginal segregation throughout the 1900s in Australia, so I want to encompass the themes of actual history, which will be a major basis of my story. I'm thinking, Dark/Fantasy/Romance. The themes I'm also considering are actually quite ambitious for me... I'm rather afraid that I won't be able to pull it off, considering my age and lack of experience. But I've been writing stories since the age of 9 so I guess I'll just have to work at it. I know it will be a long project that will invest much of my time, but I know it will be worth it.

Wish me luck! :D

...The Lucky Ones

I just watched Freedom Writers a few minutes ago and I loved it. It's an awe inspiring story about a new teacher's noble pursuit to find these kids a future and a home amongst gangs, racial sects and a constant fear of death. It was very touching in my opinion, and it's definitely now one of my favourite movies. It just makes me think how many people are out there and what kind of lives they live. I know I'm here living in a developed country where everything is all right and the only choices we have to make are desalinated or recycled water. This is me, one of the millions of lucky ones. Watching that movie although inspired me to do something with my life, made me feel kind of insignificant. Those kids in the movie, who are MY AGE, live by a code to protect their own, to them surviving one day is graduating. They are the heroes. What am I? One of the lucky ones. I am grateful for my life, but I just wonder what is my significance in this world? What am I called to do?

I'm one of the lucky ones.

There are people who are either extremely successful, living the high life, living wealthy and making themselves known and respected with the talents they have. And then there are the people who live amongst the bottom half of life, who live in poverty who you want to sympathise for, but can't because even if you give them money out of compassion and kindness, they'll simply use it to buy another round of alcohol.

It's a vicious cycle.

I walk passed these people everyday. People sit by the station and drink their lives away or surreptitiously exchange money for drugs. There are slack-mouthed women who have two or three children under the age of five sitting with her, watching and hearing her swear at another random, only to grow and become slack-mouthed, booze drinking people who live off tax-payer's money. It is once again a vicious cycle, because we all know that those mothers have their babies for the $4000 baby bonus from the government which is spent on alcohol or something similar anyway. And this is where the growing society will come from, because all the smart and intelligent women who are actually doing something with their lives are choosing a career before a family. They'll become the successful wealthy people respected for their talent, whilst the other half of society will sit there and wonder where they went wrong, when they never did any wrong. They were just never given the chance to do any good. It's sad as I walk past, go to my expensive private school and wonder how why the world revolves the way it does. There are those who dress in black with heavy make up and numerous piercings (I refuse to label them as society does) standing 25 metres away from those people with the booze. They converse about the latest band that's currently the best in punk rock or death metal. They talk about how the world sucks and not them, they pretend to have a supreme understanding about it and that's what makes them cynical. The world sucks, no one cares, there is no love. That's one side of the bloody story, perhaps they can't see the other side themselves, or perhaps it has for some reason been obscured to them. Love actually is alive within the hearts of those who want to reach out to the baby booming booze drinkers, but can't because it would be of no use and they wouldn't be able to afford it anyway - they need it to support their own family, pay their mortgage, pay for their children's expensive schooling and pay the taxes that give those people a home.

There's the rich, there's the poor and there's us, the lucky ones.

We're the lucky ones who are grateful to be living in such a country. I witness the good and the bad and watch the events as they fly by. We're the normal who go by their lives everyday concerning themselves with only the political things, how much bills they have to pay and their kids' science homework. We all watch the wealthy fall from their pedestal and the poor rise to the top - the inspiring stories that the normals can't relate to because they're too normal. We've gone by everyday, day-to-day swimming like fish in an endless sea of uncertainty trying to find ourselves amongst, life, work, school and homework.

My concerns about school, projects, vanity, stress, pride, reputation just seem all in vain now as I contemplate this. I think what everyone really wants in life is complete and utter contentment, because that's the ultimate freedom, the ultimate happiness. I have many dreams, so many things I want to be remembered by so even if I leave this earth, I would have made an imprint of significance in my pilgrim life.

There's so much to do and such little time to do it. It's now that I truly appreciate the gravity of that phrase.

Restart

I've decided to create a new blog, because the old one, was just old, useless and a waste of precious internet (if there ever could be such a thing). It's not my intention to appear querulous or full of complaint but, this year is becoming ridiculously occupied with subjects. I don't have lunch times anymore, the teachers have cancelled my sport in order for me to do research for numerous projects and because of my complete lack of slef-discipline and horridly addictive habit to procrastinate, I sleep late because things happen at the last minute despite the fact that I am an organised person.

It's tiring, I have now cut myself off from all my online, global relationships that I had meticulously cultivated over the holiday break and now, even simply blogging is a task I must set aside time for. But aside from fanfiction (which no one really reads anyway) this is my only creative outlet and form of expression, and perhaps some kind of recognition. So I am in dire need of it since I quit dance for academic purposes as well. Why must the workload of the accelerated students be so demanding? Why must I challenge a ridiculously intelligent team for History Debating? Rumour has it that I'm debating the other school's top team, and they're a bloody selective school which just makes that even more disasterrific. I've never debated, or even watched a debate in the entirety of my life, and now suddenly I'm up against one of the top two schools in the STATE? Why did I become involved in this? ... Vanity perhaps. I'd really like to say that I had a contribution to the school through this, it would make a bloody brilliant resume (especially with my high marks and accelerated classes), and just simply reiterating the fact that you're in debating is a pride within itself. People don't mess with you after that.

I need to find some writing competition ocurring in my local area, since I didn't win the latest one. I was confident that I could win, and everyone had expected me to win. It makes me blank out and go emo everytime I think about it and how I messed up everyone's expectations. I swallowed my pride and marched up to the Library myself and read with my own two eyes, (not to mention my appearance was nothing short of crestfallen) that some guy who was a year older than me won it. So here I am, rewardless, lacking in confidence and still somehow managing to live without a competently functional mp3 player. I need my music! >__< another teenage emotional outcry against the societal status quo, because apparently the world sucks. Oh please, that plotline is extremely exhausted and worn out. We all know being a teenager sucks because conformity is one major issue (heck I'm a teenager myself) but there are things out there that are better to write. Call me an optimist who has a knack for repeating cliche phrases but the world isn't bloody black and white. It has shades of grey. It's complicated, it's a complex tapestry where each thread intricately intertwines with another. People aren't either good or bad. It just doesn't work that way.

It's annoying how sometimes I feel like creativity is being squeezed out of society and writing has taken a new turn. I wrote a historical narative about one of the world's most diabolical events in history where hysteria had wholly consumed a town. I'd expect that to at least recieve a second placing or somehting. I didn't even get the lucky draw prize!!

Blame it on the PMS.
I need to go and refocus on my tasks before I return to sleep. School beckons, as always...