When I'm sad, I stop being sad and decide to be AWESOME instead.

True story.

I really don't care who reads this. Most likely no-one will. But I don't care, I'm doing this for me, so I have something to look to in case I feel down and lonely. It is a place I can look for, for strength. So if you do read this, I hope in some way, you can benefit from my journey.

I am going to change my life. I am going to take control of my mind. I am going to take control of who I am and not allow the demons that I fought in the past, force their way into my heart once more.

I thought about about making a new blog, starting anew and leaving all this mess behind me. It sounds like a good idea, however, I decided that my origins are a part of me, the darkness and everything I experienced in the past are a part of me and they stay a part of me, it is simply my choice to overcome them. The darkness I have experienced is a part of what will make me stronger today. I wish I could be more eloquent, as eloquent as I used to be, however unfortunately I am out practice. So, this is coming from the heart.

This blog will become anew, as I will become anew.

But I know I can't do it alone, I know I have my loved ones. I know I have my God. We can't do this without him. I know now, that this year, having found LOVE and the greatest happiness I have ever known (a blessing from the Lord, I assure you) that the enemy wishes to undo that. I am steadily becoming stronger in my faith, but as a result, I know that I am being attacked by a force that wishes to undo me. It's a force that's telling me that I don't deserve this, that I deserve the darkness. We don't deserve that. We are God's greatest creations. We are made in God's image. We are powerful, we can overcome. In the Lord's name we can overcome this evil. I can overcome it. Everyday will be a battle, everyday will be a challenge. But I will choose to live my day, loving and forgiving, becoming a disciple of Christ.

With that said, a wise person once said to me: A day without love is a day wasted. So go out there and leave a legacy of love.

Step 1 for today: CHANGE THE TITLE OF THIS BLOG! IT'S SO CYNICAL! I used to think it was hilarious (still do) but we need to breathe positivty and fill that cup to the Brim. I'd like to thank Kandee Johnson for inspiring me to do this. She's an amazing woman and a true blessing.

As long as you're happy, I'll be fine.

Please don't worry about me. Yes I'm lying to you. No, I'm not fine. I never was. I'll never be fine. But don't worry about me. Becuase you need to be happy. Your happiness sustains me. If I can't keep you happy then I have nothing left. All I know what to do is Love you, and if I can't keep you happy, then... then you'll be gone and I will have nothing.

You said I have so much to be thankful for, and I do. Which makes it worse, because I am such a whiny bitch and I can't look at God right now for the shame that streaks it's way down my face.

You don't understand. I need to tell you I'm fine. I need to lie to you. You said that you won't worry when there's nothing to worry about. That's why I need to lie to you. Because, then you'll always worry and I can't have that.

You told me not to lie to you, but you can't handle the truth.

The truth is wretched and horrible.

You want the truth? Here it is:

The truth is I am a proud person, and if I don't put myself down, I will be proud. The truth is that I am a wretched sinner, I'm weak and undeserving. The truth is that I cry myself to sleep every night.; The truth is, I think I've returned to my disorder. The truth is I hate myself. I truly hate myself. That is a strong word and I mean it. I mean it. I hate myself and I don't know why you love me. I don't understand it. I don't deserve you. I never have and I never will. I don't know why you love me, you should be with someone else. But I'm too selfish.

I don't know why you Love me,




but please... don't stop.

I could utilise a plethora of words with flourish...

to demonstrate how I feel at this moment in time. I could describe in intricate detail how I so suddenly thought a quick swipe would take the pain away - which it did, by the way. Or I could discuss how everything I once struggled so arduously for, has collapsed around me in pieces. Or I could discuss how much of a monster I am, or how terrible a person I cracked up to be. Or I could discuss how I utterly useless a girlfriend, I am, or how I so resemble a parasite, selfish and sucking the life out of everything I touch... but these words summarise it all:

I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF.

Good.

Now study.

It's the only thing you're good at.

Or, used to be good at.

It's not like you excel at ANYTHING anymore.

You're so inadequate. You can't even love someone appropriately.

You don't deserve it.