Moral high-ground

I really despise the way my brother thinks himself so superior and supreme, as though he'd had some sort of immaculate conception like he's God or something. Everytime I do something wrong or make a human mistake he takes the moral high-ground and acquires this holier-than-thou attitude, as though he were the Messiah telling me that I'm a sinner. Yeah, I know I made a mistake, I'm kicking myself now. I seriously don't need another lecture by a hypocrit. For example, for the past month or so I've lost the cable to my mp3 player so I can't charge the battery, ergo it's been rendered useless. It was right next to the computer and then he has to go "clean" up the place. I bet he wasn't even looking where the hell he put things!! The next day after he had "cleaned" I go to charge my mp3 player and I can't find it. 6 weeks later I find it at the bottom of my brother's toy box. Excitedly I relate the discovery to him and he says in that flippant tone of his, "Have you learned your lesson? Always keep your things neat and organised." Yeah I've learned my lesson you EFFING HYPOCRIT. OK, I lent my only pair of scissors and glue to him three weeks ago and I still haven't got them back. Last week (JEEZ THE NERVE OF HIM!) he asks if he can borrow my glue and scissors. I tell him that I still haven't got them back from him and he replies "oh whoops, sorry." And laughs like its nothing. I happen to need them for school you dolt!! Keep my belongings neat and organised, hmmm? Look at the state of my room compared to yours, you effing hypocrit. Mine is neat and organised and yours is a desolate bomb site.

And whenever I tell him something, he never remembers (like anything I say is ever significant to my family these days)and so continually asks me questions, probing me for answers when he should already know them!! I mean if I don't wanna tell you then back the hell off! I'll write an effing autobiography then there. READ IT. I'm pretty sure you won't anyway. Gosh!! It's as though I'm such a lowly sinner compared to him, oh let's all bow down to the holier-than-thou egotistical, self-deluded male who I ashamedly call my brother!!! SOR-REE I WAS EVER BORN! (That was so emo) Sor-effing-ree that I make mistakes (like every bloody human being does!), sorry I don't like to be lectured every single bloody day by a bloody hypocrit no less! I'm tired of it! Would you please stop lecturing me like you're so much better? Jeez, we're only two years apart and you're acting like you're my life mentor or something...BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER YOURSELF!

T-I-R-E-D

I'm so tired of life already. I'm just so pissed off. I mean seriously, am I that much of a fucked up person that after so many years my own mother won't even stand to trust me? Am I such a bleeding train wreck that they question everything I do, question my motives? I need help in school and I want a tutor. Is that so much to ask? I mean, I know I'm intelligent and me asking for a tutor is a new thing for my parents but honestly, I'm freaking wonder woman or Bill Gates or some shit man!! JEEZ! It's already hard enough for me to swallow my own pride and admit that I am not able to get my work up to my statisfaction on my own. It's already enough that I've came down from the grandstand and admitted that I need and want help. I'm so used to being up there that, that is a big step for me. I'm an independent person, I'd rather do everything alone. But for once, just once when I asked for help why won't they simply listen? PLEASE. But, no my mother has to analyse everything find out why, find out all my mistakes, find out everything I need help on, critically analysing everything with that piercing look of hers and her Holier-than-thou attitude, looking at you like you should know better. I swear the woman can give you a lecture with just one look. She was so obstinate with the opinion that I was such a a gluttinous and lazy student that she refused to give me a tutor saying with a blend of accusation and incredulity "You want me to spend all this money just so some one can tell you to practice?" Honestly! Do I have to spell everything out for you??? Would I be asking for help, would I be swallowing my pride and asking for assistance if that is all I wanted JEEZ!! I'M SORRY OK!Far out. What about those high dictinctions I receive every year as an excellent student? I do it all for you and now that doesn't matter at all?

I'm tired of not having enough money. I'm usually patient about these things, and I have been. I've given up on my dream of going to Japan so as ot to burden my family, for once in my life I asked for a laptop simply so I can live out my other dream of writing a book...and I can't get that either. I can't get a job because my studied are too important to me and now I have to give that up as well? No wonder why I'm losing control, there's nothing left in me to have control over. Everything that was once me is just disappearing. I guess, I'll forgo the tutor, not financially burden my family and go at it alone. As always, everything I do must be done alone, I'm alone. Again and again. I am alone.

I'm tired of being alone too.

But I guess that's the way it will always be for me. That's a very sad realisation - but it's the truth. Whatever happened to supportive parents who would get their children tutors because they want their child to be the best they could be? I'm alone, and on the rare occasion I need help, no one will be there to hold my hand. No one.

And now, I'm just tired of it. All of it.

Fairytales

I've done a lot of procrastinating today, and I don't like that one bit.

Anyway, I've just realised that within my lack of you know what and my loneliness in that area, I've come to realise that I'm one of those people that want to live the fairytale. Throughout childhood, women everywhere have been presented with this image of the staionary princess needing to be saved by her prince. However, there is no prince charming. The other day my friends and I were listing the attributes of guys we'd like to be with, when combined we came to the sad realisation that such a man did not exist. Oh he may be out there, but perhaps not for all of us. It's a sad realisation that you may just marry out of the fear growing old alone, or never marrying at all.

When I defined love the other day, I defined it as this: Seeing the imperfect person perfectly and the having willingness to make someonone else's life significant by being a witness to their lives. It is valuing others before oneself and the willingness to remember that one person out of 6 billion in the world that could matter wholly to you.

If such a thing did exist. However it does raise the question, why did God give us imagination if such notions could never be attained?

What's happening to me?

We received our half yearly tests back this week, and to say I'm upset with my results would be a grave understatement. What's happening to me? I'm drowning in the depths of average. I know that may sound arrogant but my marks, my scores, my work isn't up to my standards! This is not me!! I feel like I'm losing absolute control of my life. I'm not being myself, my marks have dropped, I've been too stressed...I don't know who I am anymore, and that scares me. I'm becoming depressed again. My counsellor last year told me that my last problem was that my expectations of myself are too high. I know that may be dangerous and I'm experiencing the implications of that now. She said I would get disappointed a lot and I am. I don't want to lower my expectations because I know that I can reach what I expect of myself. Why would I lower my goals? Why would I aim low? Why should I live below my means and be content with the romantic notion that I'm second rate and I could never be better? Because I know I can be better and I know that, it's just... I just am completely oblivious to what's happening to me. I'm losing my self control, I'm losing everything. My qualities, my good memory, my organization, my meticulous need for cleanliness...How do I climb out of this horrific rut that I've buried myself in? There's a person I know, and no offence against that person but I can't help but envy them spitefully. They are becoming everything I've ever wanted to be. They are becoming the me that I'm losing. Why is this happening?

I'm so lost. I'm staggering through a dry wilderness, drowning in confines which I have risen above, losing who I really am. I don't want this to happen. This can't happen. WHAT IS BECOMING OF ME? Why is my life out of control?

I've been losing my sense of self. I don't know anything anymore. I'm so angry, so tired and so... scared.I need to climb out of this ditch, I must rise to the person I once was again, and blow them straight out of the water. This isn't me, I want to be me again.