T-I-R-E-D

I'm so tired of life already. I'm just so pissed off. I mean seriously, am I that much of a fucked up person that after so many years my own mother won't even stand to trust me? Am I such a bleeding train wreck that they question everything I do, question my motives? I need help in school and I want a tutor. Is that so much to ask? I mean, I know I'm intelligent and me asking for a tutor is a new thing for my parents but honestly, I'm freaking wonder woman or Bill Gates or some shit man!! JEEZ! It's already hard enough for me to swallow my own pride and admit that I am not able to get my work up to my statisfaction on my own. It's already enough that I've came down from the grandstand and admitted that I need and want help. I'm so used to being up there that, that is a big step for me. I'm an independent person, I'd rather do everything alone. But for once, just once when I asked for help why won't they simply listen? PLEASE. But, no my mother has to analyse everything find out why, find out all my mistakes, find out everything I need help on, critically analysing everything with that piercing look of hers and her Holier-than-thou attitude, looking at you like you should know better. I swear the woman can give you a lecture with just one look. She was so obstinate with the opinion that I was such a a gluttinous and lazy student that she refused to give me a tutor saying with a blend of accusation and incredulity "You want me to spend all this money just so some one can tell you to practice?" Honestly! Do I have to spell everything out for you??? Would I be asking for help, would I be swallowing my pride and asking for assistance if that is all I wanted JEEZ!! I'M SORRY OK!Far out. What about those high dictinctions I receive every year as an excellent student? I do it all for you and now that doesn't matter at all?

I'm tired of not having enough money. I'm usually patient about these things, and I have been. I've given up on my dream of going to Japan so as ot to burden my family, for once in my life I asked for a laptop simply so I can live out my other dream of writing a book...and I can't get that either. I can't get a job because my studied are too important to me and now I have to give that up as well? No wonder why I'm losing control, there's nothing left in me to have control over. Everything that was once me is just disappearing. I guess, I'll forgo the tutor, not financially burden my family and go at it alone. As always, everything I do must be done alone, I'm alone. Again and again. I am alone.

I'm tired of being alone too.

But I guess that's the way it will always be for me. That's a very sad realisation - but it's the truth. Whatever happened to supportive parents who would get their children tutors because they want their child to be the best they could be? I'm alone, and on the rare occasion I need help, no one will be there to hold my hand. No one.

And now, I'm just tired of it. All of it.