This was meant to be yesterday's post, but my internet connectivity was fluctuating and I guess it didn't come through. It's a good thing I have it saved on my computer.
Yesterday's post:
Haaaaaaaaaaaah. Inhale. Exhale. Sigh.
Today was pretty good, I must say. The English paper was easy, the science wasn't hard, but I didn't have any qualms with it. It was alright. I wasn't very fond of the procedures though. They ticked me off quite a bit.
This isn't segue, but I want to say this. Hey Raz? I know this may sound incredibly inconsiderate, and I must apologise for asking this: Who are you? I'm sorry, it's just that I wish to thank you for your comment properly. Your comment was very uplifting and placed in a very enlightened mood. "Sisters before misters" Thanks! :D I know what you mean about me placing so much emphasis on academics. I guess it is because it's what I've established myself to be. I've always been known as "the smart girl" never really anything else. That has been my label, my identity amongst my social life. My friends do tell me time and time again that there is more to life and I do apparently have more things going for me, but I guess I don't listen much??
Actually, those question marks aren't needed. I know exactly why I don't seem to listen. It's just that I've seen so many intelligent people become snobbish, arrogant and condescending. THAT is one of my greatest fears. I acknowledge my intelligence but I don't want to acknowledge anything else because I don't want to seem arrogant or condescending. I hate the way people think that they're all that. The day I become up myself is the day I... I don't know, it's the day I lose myself.
Yet I know I must acknowledge the balance between respecting oneself and being conceited. I'm still trying to come to terms with that. Initially it was almost difficult for me to proclaim "He'll know what he's missing out on!" So openly because I didn't want to seem so conceited or "luvo."
I guess I place so much emphasis on what other people think of me because I don't trust myself to recognise changes within myself. I don't want to be arrogant. If I ever do seem arrogant, please someone tell me.
Oh and I'm sorry if I scared anyone with that slashing wrists comment. It's not an issue that should be treated so frivolously, forgive me. I watched 'click' the other day and the character of David Hasselhoff, said that line and it stuck with me. I guess because I know what it's like. I don't do it anymore (although it wasn't my wrists). Don't worry. I've been to counselling and the whole she-bang which allows me to speak of the issue so openly. I'm fine with discussing it and I'm never treading that dark and lonely path anymore. Never again. Thank you very much, again Raz. Really, I'm quite curious now, who are you?
Hmm, my corner of obsessions blog. Dark times, dark times. I don't blog there anymore, as I have closed that chapter of my life.
I should go now and study for math, geo and history. Those are the subjects I am most concerned about. Wish me luck! :D OH! My mum agreed to allow me to colour my hair when I cut it! I'm so excited! I haven't done something as that drastic to my hair in four years. I'm anticipate it very eagerly.
I'm so bummed that I won't be able to attend the Youth Mass! I'm in the choir and I was so stoked that I'd be able to read the scripture! I wanted to do it so bad! But we're going to Melbourne, that will be fun though. A bittersweet resolution, I guess.
OK! MUST STUDY! MUST STUDY!
Getting pumped. Not about maths though. Meh, whatever it must be done. After tomorrow I will be sick with relief.
kk study deeh.
Oh wait! Yeah. LOL, when Lorraine, Jess and Bianca heard about hip-boy's "I'm a playa kind-of guy" comment, their simultaneous reaction was "WHERE DOES HE LIVE!" I love my friends. They're so funny. Jess thinks he's absolutely not suited for me, lol. Honestly I want to remove my resentment, I'm still a little miffed but I don't want to be. I want to move on. I want to be passed this. I want to be comfortable with him (well I obviously was last weekend! lol) there is some tension between us. I just want things to return to normal. No more hard feelings. I want to smile! :D
Ok. Time to study! Ah so many things on my mind.
Until next time, my loves -
- deeh xox. :D
1 comment:
Hey, no offense taken I believe you are one person who wasn’t so blasé about my commenting your blog. I guess you next question would be ‘Why the hell are you reading my blog?’ I guess it’s because your other blog Corner of Obsessions was so dark. I know from your blogs about your friends but sometimes an outsider’s view seems to help more. Hmmm, who am I? I guess the question is not who I am but who I am with? Lol. Sorry was watching old time classics. For know you may call me by my middle nick name; Azzy. But seriously there is no need to thank me; I doubt I have in any way really impacted. Hmmm, I bet you asked your friends if they knew me eh? Lol. Have no shame I would have done the same and have in many cases done just that. I’m glad that my comment was very uplifting and placed in a very enlightened mood. What can I say I aim to please.
Maybe it’s time to change your label. Establish yourself to be more, allow yourself to have faith and hope that you can achieve all you want. I’m disappointed. From your previous thoughts you seem to be a person who is independent yet knows when she needs help. But you’ve got a label? Why? Why allow yourself to have a label amongst society? What are your morals and values? I think you are hiding behind your ‘smart girl’ label. Get rid of it and acknowledge your fears. Do you not realise that by not acknowledging your other talents you are indeed losing yourself? Your fear of becoming arrogant and then in turn losing yourself has made you hide your talents and then in turn lose yourself. I’m sure that if your friends knew the whole you, all your talents they wont treasure you any less. I guess all you need to do is acknowledge their talents; which I’m sure you already do. Have you seen those people; the arrogant, snobbish and condescending, I mean have you really seen them? They seem to be like you hiding behind the smart label. Wait, I don’t mean to say that you are arrogant, snobbish nor condescending. I think it’s time for you to stop caring what other people think and recognise the changes within you by yourself. Many may not remark on anything as they themselves are afraid and refuse to acknowledge that you are growing and changing. At times you have to see for yourself. Ditch those rose coloured glasses. The world is prettier in shades of grey. I’m glad that you won’t be treading that dark and lonely path anymore.
Here is signing off, a chapter of my comments closed
RAZ – Azzy – Keepin’ dreams alive
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