Every journey has it's detour.
This is mine.
I'm tired. I'm tired, okay?
I'm tired of being a martyr for you. I don't want to be a martyr. I don't want to be a martyr to this relationship.
But I Love You so much, I don't know how to stop. It's how I Love You.
I don't want to resent it. I don't want to be sinfully self-righteous. But... I just, I just want to cry.
Just sometimes I wish... I wish that... no. I'm being selfish.
Friday, 15 October 2010
Saturday, 2 October 2010
God never made a nobody.
God made amazing people. We are all beautiful and amazing and we need to remember that.
This past week I set myself a goal. Whenever someone asked me how I was, regardless of how I felt, I would say, "I'm doing fantastic", or "I am feeling fantastic". I don't care if it was a lie at the moment, but simply speaking those words made me feel better instantly. To say that I am doing fantastic reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for. I am walking, I have all my senses, I have a roof over my head, a great family, great friends and a wonderful boyfriend who tells me he loves me whenenver I feel like such a loser.
A few days ago, I had a goal to turn my life around, not to allow this depression to conquer me.
Why did I think it was going to be easy?
This evening my boyfriend and I were on the phone. When he asked me how I was, I said I was fantastic, and in that moment I felt fantastic. However, he wasn't doing too well. He was worrying and mulling over several things. I did my best to keep him from worrying, and I succeeded, but somehow, selfishly, I reversed the conversation. I made it entirely focused upon me. Somehow the conversation spiralled into a conversation of self-pity and he had to spend the better part of an hour and a half cheering me up and reminding me of who I am.
WHO AM I?
Frightening question.
It scared and worried me. He kept telling me that I knew who I was, but it's not that simple. I don't anymore. I don't know who I am. I keep saying that I'll decide to be awesome instead. I keep telling myself that I am amazing and beautiful, but WHAT makes me amazing and beautiful? Why am I awesome? Why am I feeling fantastic? What makes me a fantastic person? My self-esteem isn't exactly top-notch.
Last year, I was such a full person.
This year, I feel as though I am but a shadow of the person I used to be. I often used to say that the most difficult person to compete with was yourself. I am living in the shadow of my own life. Last year I was intelligent, sophisticated, reknowned, an active member of a Youth Group, helping the Community. I was talented in the arts, I was accepted into law school. I was aspiring, full of dreams, I cared about the world, I cared about international affairs. I was a proactive person who went out into the world and tried to change it.
Now... who am I?
Everyday, I wake up, go to uni, come home, study, talk to my boyfriend, and sleep. That is my life. I don't do anything. I don't have a job, I can't drive. I can't see my friends because that would require money and they all have jobs. While I, I feel like a parasite leeching off my parents' hard earned money. Whenenver I go out with my boyfriend, he pays. I feel as though I am constantly relying on the strength of others. I feel as though I m constantly relying on other people's kindness.
I don't feel independent anymore. I feel like a shadow of who I was. Because of all my study I no longer can maintain an interest in the things I used to do. Before I strove to be perfect in everything I did, I strove to be perfect and talented because I always told myself that in order to be loved, you must be worth loving. Now, I feel like everything that I validated myself with is gone.
At the moment, I hardly practice with my piano, I hardly sing, I never write, I never read, my marks at University are mediocre, my dreams seem so far away, my motivation gone. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what drives me. It upsets me immensely, I am in tears thinking about it. I'm not intelligent anymore. I don't know who I am. What makes me amazing? What makes me awesome? Why am I fantastic?
I know that there's so much potential in all of us. But I don't feel so full of it at the moment. I don't feel so hopeful at the moment.
BUT I REFUSE TO WALLOW IN THIS ANY LONGER:
So I am going to lie to myself constantly. I am going to tell myself that I am an amazing person, until I finally believe it.
I am going to reclaim my drive. I am going to find what motivates me. I am going to be a HD student again. I am going to receive better marks because I will have a bright future full of hope and love and encouragement.
I am going to be that full, well-rounded person I once was.
I STILL AM THAT PERSON. THAT PERSON IS HERE. YOU MUST BELIEVE IT DANA.
Remember why you are amazing:
1) The world may not see it now, but you are an intelligent and astute individual. You do not need the world to validate this. You know it.
2) You love the Lord, your God and the only person's judgment you should care about is his.
3) If there's one thing you do right, it's love. You know how to love your boyfriend. You care about him and love him deeply.
4) You are a great older sister.
5) You are still a leader within the youth community. You still do your best to contribute.
6) You are still such a talented individual. People may not listen to you sing or play, people may no longer read your work, but you know in your heart that you are talented and you don't need to the validation of others to remember why you are awesome.
7)You are still a sophisticated woman who looks after herself and carries herself with pride and dignity.
8) You still care about the world, you still want to help shape it and change it.
9) You are determined to push yourself out of this rut.
10) You are amazing. Enough said.
Remember, you don't need others to validate who you are. You are a human being. A wonderfully complex, intricate creation of God. He has a plan for you, TRUST IN HIM and pray. You still are an amazing individual. Although you may not see it now, you are beautiful, you're intelligent, you're studying law, you're helping your community and you have so much POTENTIAL!!!
LIVE IN HOPE!!!
Whatever happened to optimism? Whatever happened to viewing the cup to the brim? The glass wasn't half-full - it's filled to the brim! Bring back that optimism and determination!!!
Think about it this way: you may be a lump of coal now, but in the future, you will be a brilliant diamond. You are a brilliant and excellent person. You are more talented than you know. You may not see it now, but you are. You have so much potential. Remember, you have BIG DREAMS. HUGE DREAMS. FULFILL THEM.
HAVE NO DOUBTS.
Remember what you said to yourself last year? No matter what you had to go through, no matter what pain you had to experience, you WILL ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS. YOU WILL LIVE YOUR DREAMS WITHOUT A DOUBT!
SO WHAT IF YOU'RE NOT RECEIVING THE MARKS YOU WISH TO RECEIVE?
TOMORROW'S A NEW DAY.
TRY HARDER.
If your best isn't enough, TRY HARDER. YOU WILL SUCCEED.
YOU
WILL
SUCCEED.
You don't need another person to validate how amazing you are. You are a strong, kind and courteous woman. You are talented. You are LOVED. GOD LOVES YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE AMAZING. YOU ARE AMAZING. You are so talented, so gifted with intelligence and eloquence within you. Inside you is a lump of coal waiting to be a diamond, and you are beautiful. You have so much potential. You are intelligent and beautiful and sophisticated. You have a wonderful appreciation for culture and the arts, for religion and science and you don't judge others easily. You care about so many things and you love people so deeply.
God cares about those things.
You know in your heart that you are talented and sophisticated and cosmpolitan and intelligent and brilliant.
BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE. IF YOU DON'T FEEL BRILLIANT, THEN BE BRILLIANT. IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE THE PERSON YOU USED TO BE, THEN BE BETTER THAN THE PERSON YOU USED TO BE.
THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
BE BETTER.
WALLOWING WON'T DO ANYTHING.
BE BETTER. IT'S SIMPLE.
BE BETTER. BECAUSE YOU ARE BETTER. YOU ARE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL AND YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE TO TELL YOU THAT. YOU KNOW YOU ARE AND GOD KNOWS YOU ARE. GO OUT THERE AND MAKE THE BIG MAN PROUD!~!!!!!
This past week I set myself a goal. Whenever someone asked me how I was, regardless of how I felt, I would say, "I'm doing fantastic", or "I am feeling fantastic". I don't care if it was a lie at the moment, but simply speaking those words made me feel better instantly. To say that I am doing fantastic reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for. I am walking, I have all my senses, I have a roof over my head, a great family, great friends and a wonderful boyfriend who tells me he loves me whenenver I feel like such a loser.
A few days ago, I had a goal to turn my life around, not to allow this depression to conquer me.
Why did I think it was going to be easy?
This evening my boyfriend and I were on the phone. When he asked me how I was, I said I was fantastic, and in that moment I felt fantastic. However, he wasn't doing too well. He was worrying and mulling over several things. I did my best to keep him from worrying, and I succeeded, but somehow, selfishly, I reversed the conversation. I made it entirely focused upon me. Somehow the conversation spiralled into a conversation of self-pity and he had to spend the better part of an hour and a half cheering me up and reminding me of who I am.
WHO AM I?
Frightening question.
It scared and worried me. He kept telling me that I knew who I was, but it's not that simple. I don't anymore. I don't know who I am. I keep saying that I'll decide to be awesome instead. I keep telling myself that I am amazing and beautiful, but WHAT makes me amazing and beautiful? Why am I awesome? Why am I feeling fantastic? What makes me a fantastic person? My self-esteem isn't exactly top-notch.
Last year, I was such a full person.
This year, I feel as though I am but a shadow of the person I used to be. I often used to say that the most difficult person to compete with was yourself. I am living in the shadow of my own life. Last year I was intelligent, sophisticated, reknowned, an active member of a Youth Group, helping the Community. I was talented in the arts, I was accepted into law school. I was aspiring, full of dreams, I cared about the world, I cared about international affairs. I was a proactive person who went out into the world and tried to change it.
Now... who am I?
Everyday, I wake up, go to uni, come home, study, talk to my boyfriend, and sleep. That is my life. I don't do anything. I don't have a job, I can't drive. I can't see my friends because that would require money and they all have jobs. While I, I feel like a parasite leeching off my parents' hard earned money. Whenenver I go out with my boyfriend, he pays. I feel as though I am constantly relying on the strength of others. I feel as though I m constantly relying on other people's kindness.
I don't feel independent anymore. I feel like a shadow of who I was. Because of all my study I no longer can maintain an interest in the things I used to do. Before I strove to be perfect in everything I did, I strove to be perfect and talented because I always told myself that in order to be loved, you must be worth loving. Now, I feel like everything that I validated myself with is gone.
At the moment, I hardly practice with my piano, I hardly sing, I never write, I never read, my marks at University are mediocre, my dreams seem so far away, my motivation gone. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what drives me. It upsets me immensely, I am in tears thinking about it. I'm not intelligent anymore. I don't know who I am. What makes me amazing? What makes me awesome? Why am I fantastic?
I know that there's so much potential in all of us. But I don't feel so full of it at the moment. I don't feel so hopeful at the moment.
BUT I REFUSE TO WALLOW IN THIS ANY LONGER:
So I am going to lie to myself constantly. I am going to tell myself that I am an amazing person, until I finally believe it.
I am going to reclaim my drive. I am going to find what motivates me. I am going to be a HD student again. I am going to receive better marks because I will have a bright future full of hope and love and encouragement.
I am going to be that full, well-rounded person I once was.
I STILL AM THAT PERSON. THAT PERSON IS HERE. YOU MUST BELIEVE IT DANA.
Remember why you are amazing:
1) The world may not see it now, but you are an intelligent and astute individual. You do not need the world to validate this. You know it.
2) You love the Lord, your God and the only person's judgment you should care about is his.
3) If there's one thing you do right, it's love. You know how to love your boyfriend. You care about him and love him deeply.
4) You are a great older sister.
5) You are still a leader within the youth community. You still do your best to contribute.
6) You are still such a talented individual. People may not listen to you sing or play, people may no longer read your work, but you know in your heart that you are talented and you don't need to the validation of others to remember why you are awesome.
7)You are still a sophisticated woman who looks after herself and carries herself with pride and dignity.
8) You still care about the world, you still want to help shape it and change it.
9) You are determined to push yourself out of this rut.
10) You are amazing. Enough said.
Remember, you don't need others to validate who you are. You are a human being. A wonderfully complex, intricate creation of God. He has a plan for you, TRUST IN HIM and pray. You still are an amazing individual. Although you may not see it now, you are beautiful, you're intelligent, you're studying law, you're helping your community and you have so much POTENTIAL!!!
LIVE IN HOPE!!!
Whatever happened to optimism? Whatever happened to viewing the cup to the brim? The glass wasn't half-full - it's filled to the brim! Bring back that optimism and determination!!!
Think about it this way: you may be a lump of coal now, but in the future, you will be a brilliant diamond. You are a brilliant and excellent person. You are more talented than you know. You may not see it now, but you are. You have so much potential. Remember, you have BIG DREAMS. HUGE DREAMS. FULFILL THEM.
HAVE NO DOUBTS.
Remember what you said to yourself last year? No matter what you had to go through, no matter what pain you had to experience, you WILL ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS. YOU WILL LIVE YOUR DREAMS WITHOUT A DOUBT!
SO WHAT IF YOU'RE NOT RECEIVING THE MARKS YOU WISH TO RECEIVE?
TOMORROW'S A NEW DAY.
TRY HARDER.
If your best isn't enough, TRY HARDER. YOU WILL SUCCEED.
YOU
WILL
SUCCEED.
You don't need another person to validate how amazing you are. You are a strong, kind and courteous woman. You are talented. You are LOVED. GOD LOVES YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE AMAZING. YOU ARE AMAZING. You are so talented, so gifted with intelligence and eloquence within you. Inside you is a lump of coal waiting to be a diamond, and you are beautiful. You have so much potential. You are intelligent and beautiful and sophisticated. You have a wonderful appreciation for culture and the arts, for religion and science and you don't judge others easily. You care about so many things and you love people so deeply.
God cares about those things.
You know in your heart that you are talented and sophisticated and cosmpolitan and intelligent and brilliant.
BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE. IF YOU DON'T FEEL BRILLIANT, THEN BE BRILLIANT. IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE THE PERSON YOU USED TO BE, THEN BE BETTER THAN THE PERSON YOU USED TO BE.
THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
BE BETTER.
WALLOWING WON'T DO ANYTHING.
BE BETTER. IT'S SIMPLE.
BE BETTER. BECAUSE YOU ARE BETTER. YOU ARE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL AND YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE TO TELL YOU THAT. YOU KNOW YOU ARE AND GOD KNOWS YOU ARE. GO OUT THERE AND MAKE THE BIG MAN PROUD!~!!!!!
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
When I'm sad, I stop being sad and decide to be AWESOME instead.
True story.
I really don't care who reads this. Most likely no-one will. But I don't care, I'm doing this for me, so I have something to look to in case I feel down and lonely. It is a place I can look for, for strength. So if you do read this, I hope in some way, you can benefit from my journey.
I am going to change my life. I am going to take control of my mind. I am going to take control of who I am and not allow the demons that I fought in the past, force their way into my heart once more.
I thought about about making a new blog, starting anew and leaving all this mess behind me. It sounds like a good idea, however, I decided that my origins are a part of me, the darkness and everything I experienced in the past are a part of me and they stay a part of me, it is simply my choice to overcome them. The darkness I have experienced is a part of what will make me stronger today. I wish I could be more eloquent, as eloquent as I used to be, however unfortunately I am out practice. So, this is coming from the heart.
This blog will become anew, as I will become anew.
But I know I can't do it alone, I know I have my loved ones. I know I have my God. We can't do this without him. I know now, that this year, having found LOVE and the greatest happiness I have ever known (a blessing from the Lord, I assure you) that the enemy wishes to undo that. I am steadily becoming stronger in my faith, but as a result, I know that I am being attacked by a force that wishes to undo me. It's a force that's telling me that I don't deserve this, that I deserve the darkness. We don't deserve that. We are God's greatest creations. We are made in God's image. We are powerful, we can overcome. In the Lord's name we can overcome this evil. I can overcome it. Everyday will be a battle, everyday will be a challenge. But I will choose to live my day, loving and forgiving, becoming a disciple of Christ.
With that said, a wise person once said to me: A day without love is a day wasted. So go out there and leave a legacy of love.
Step 1 for today: CHANGE THE TITLE OF THIS BLOG! IT'S SO CYNICAL! I used to think it was hilarious (still do) but we need to breathe positivty and fill that cup to the Brim. I'd like to thank Kandee Johnson for inspiring me to do this. She's an amazing woman and a true blessing.
I really don't care who reads this. Most likely no-one will. But I don't care, I'm doing this for me, so I have something to look to in case I feel down and lonely. It is a place I can look for, for strength. So if you do read this, I hope in some way, you can benefit from my journey.
I am going to change my life. I am going to take control of my mind. I am going to take control of who I am and not allow the demons that I fought in the past, force their way into my heart once more.
I thought about about making a new blog, starting anew and leaving all this mess behind me. It sounds like a good idea, however, I decided that my origins are a part of me, the darkness and everything I experienced in the past are a part of me and they stay a part of me, it is simply my choice to overcome them. The darkness I have experienced is a part of what will make me stronger today. I wish I could be more eloquent, as eloquent as I used to be, however unfortunately I am out practice. So, this is coming from the heart.
This blog will become anew, as I will become anew.
But I know I can't do it alone, I know I have my loved ones. I know I have my God. We can't do this without him. I know now, that this year, having found LOVE and the greatest happiness I have ever known (a blessing from the Lord, I assure you) that the enemy wishes to undo that. I am steadily becoming stronger in my faith, but as a result, I know that I am being attacked by a force that wishes to undo me. It's a force that's telling me that I don't deserve this, that I deserve the darkness. We don't deserve that. We are God's greatest creations. We are made in God's image. We are powerful, we can overcome. In the Lord's name we can overcome this evil. I can overcome it. Everyday will be a battle, everyday will be a challenge. But I will choose to live my day, loving and forgiving, becoming a disciple of Christ.
With that said, a wise person once said to me: A day without love is a day wasted. So go out there and leave a legacy of love.
Step 1 for today: CHANGE THE TITLE OF THIS BLOG! IT'S SO CYNICAL! I used to think it was hilarious (still do) but we need to breathe positivty and fill that cup to the Brim. I'd like to thank Kandee Johnson for inspiring me to do this. She's an amazing woman and a true blessing.
Monday, 27 September 2010
As long as you're happy, I'll be fine.
Please don't worry about me. Yes I'm lying to you. No, I'm not fine. I never was. I'll never be fine. But don't worry about me. Becuase you need to be happy. Your happiness sustains me. If I can't keep you happy then I have nothing left. All I know what to do is Love you, and if I can't keep you happy, then... then you'll be gone and I will have nothing.
You said I have so much to be thankful for, and I do. Which makes it worse, because I am such a whiny bitch and I can't look at God right now for the shame that streaks it's way down my face.
You don't understand. I need to tell you I'm fine. I need to lie to you. You said that you won't worry when there's nothing to worry about. That's why I need to lie to you. Because, then you'll always worry and I can't have that.
You told me not to lie to you, but you can't handle the truth.
The truth is wretched and horrible.
You want the truth? Here it is:
The truth is I am a proud person, and if I don't put myself down, I will be proud. The truth is that I am a wretched sinner, I'm weak and undeserving. The truth is that I cry myself to sleep every night.; The truth is, I think I've returned to my disorder. The truth is I hate myself. I truly hate myself. That is a strong word and I mean it. I mean it. I hate myself and I don't know why you love me. I don't understand it. I don't deserve you. I never have and I never will. I don't know why you love me, you should be with someone else. But I'm too selfish.
I don't know why you Love me,
but please... don't stop.
You said I have so much to be thankful for, and I do. Which makes it worse, because I am such a whiny bitch and I can't look at God right now for the shame that streaks it's way down my face.
You don't understand. I need to tell you I'm fine. I need to lie to you. You said that you won't worry when there's nothing to worry about. That's why I need to lie to you. Because, then you'll always worry and I can't have that.
You told me not to lie to you, but you can't handle the truth.
The truth is wretched and horrible.
You want the truth? Here it is:
The truth is I am a proud person, and if I don't put myself down, I will be proud. The truth is that I am a wretched sinner, I'm weak and undeserving. The truth is that I cry myself to sleep every night.; The truth is, I think I've returned to my disorder. The truth is I hate myself. I truly hate myself. That is a strong word and I mean it. I mean it. I hate myself and I don't know why you love me. I don't understand it. I don't deserve you. I never have and I never will. I don't know why you love me, you should be with someone else. But I'm too selfish.
I don't know why you Love me,
but please... don't stop.
Thursday, 23 September 2010
I could utilise a plethora of words with flourish...
to demonstrate how I feel at this moment in time. I could describe in intricate detail how I so suddenly thought a quick swipe would take the pain away - which it did, by the way. Or I could discuss how everything I once struggled so arduously for, has collapsed around me in pieces. Or I could discuss how much of a monster I am, or how terrible a person I cracked up to be. Or I could discuss how I utterly useless a girlfriend, I am, or how I so resemble a parasite, selfish and sucking the life out of everything I touch... but these words summarise it all:
I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF.
Good.
Now study.
It's the only thing you're good at.
Or, used to be good at.
It's not like you excel at ANYTHING anymore.
You're so inadequate. You can't even love someone appropriately.
You don't deserve it.
I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF.
Good.
Now study.
It's the only thing you're good at.
Or, used to be good at.
It's not like you excel at ANYTHING anymore.
You're so inadequate. You can't even love someone appropriately.
You don't deserve it.
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
Niggle
This has been bothering me for 5 days now.
WHY CAN'T MY BRAIN JUST SHUT UP?
Why can't I just move on with my life?
Honestly!
This is ridiculous and totally irrational.
I don't want to think about it.
I should be totally fine.
But no, I just have to be a jealous bitch, don't I?
GRRR! THIS IS NOT RATIONAL!
DANA TELL YOUR BRAIN TO SHUT THE HELL UP. IT HAS A MOUNTAIN OF WORK TO COMPLETE AND YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE THINKING OF THINGS THAT ARE STUPID...
... Or people you want to inflict GBH upon.
Stop torturing yourself!!!!
Gah!!!!!! SHUSH!!!
WHY CAN'T MY BRAIN JUST SHUT UP?
Why can't I just move on with my life?
Honestly!
This is ridiculous and totally irrational.
I don't want to think about it.
I should be totally fine.
But no, I just have to be a jealous bitch, don't I?
GRRR! THIS IS NOT RATIONAL!
DANA TELL YOUR BRAIN TO SHUT THE HELL UP. IT HAS A MOUNTAIN OF WORK TO COMPLETE AND YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE THINKING OF THINGS THAT ARE STUPID...
... Or people you want to inflict GBH upon.
Stop torturing yourself!!!!
Gah!!!!!! SHUSH!!!
Saturday, 10 July 2010
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Sunday, 27 June 2010
Friday, 25 June 2010
Saturday, 19 June 2010
Thursday, 10 June 2010
Just you wait, simpletons. Just...you...wait.
I know you all, and will awhile uphold
Th unyok'd humour of idleness.
Yet herein will I imitate the sun,
Who doth permit the base contagious clouds
To smother up his beauty from the world,
That, when he please again to be himself,
Being wanted he may be more wonder'd at
By breaking through the foul and ugly mists
Of vapours that did seem to strangle him.
- Prince Henry, King Henry IV Part One, William Shakespeare
Th unyok'd humour of idleness.
Yet herein will I imitate the sun,
Who doth permit the base contagious clouds
To smother up his beauty from the world,
That, when he please again to be himself,
Being wanted he may be more wonder'd at
By breaking through the foul and ugly mists
Of vapours that did seem to strangle him.
- Prince Henry, King Henry IV Part One, William Shakespeare
Monday, 7 June 2010
...
Fuck, the truth's a bitch.
Ignorance IS bliss.
I was better off in my own little den of turmoil and uncertainty than actually having my fears confirmed.
Ignorance IS bliss.
I was better off in my own little den of turmoil and uncertainty than actually having my fears confirmed.
Friday, 4 June 2010
...
I don't know what just stole over me.
I thought I was over this.
Stephanie said I was over this.
Maybe because my counselling only took half as long is why I am still troubled now. She said that someone with my level issues would take a year to work through them and get over it. I closed my file within five and a half months.
Why did I snap that chopstick. Why did I grab that compass. Why did I grab that pen. Why was I frantically searching for scissors.
Why did I try to
I'm not even going to say it.
I promised myself I would never do that EVER again. But then again, I don't have a straight track record with promises I've made to myself, do I?
I'm so...
Just go to sleep.
Sleep.
Forget this ever happened.
I thought I was over this.
Stephanie said I was over this.
Maybe because my counselling only took half as long is why I am still troubled now. She said that someone with my level issues would take a year to work through them and get over it. I closed my file within five and a half months.
Why did I snap that chopstick. Why did I grab that compass. Why did I grab that pen. Why was I frantically searching for scissors.
Why did I try to
I'm not even going to say it.
I promised myself I would never do that EVER again. But then again, I don't have a straight track record with promises I've made to myself, do I?
I'm so...
Just go to sleep.
Sleep.
Forget this ever happened.
Thursday, 3 June 2010
Incomplete
The rain beats against my rooftop.
It's a blessed sound.
I feel like I can go to sleep to it, but I can't.
Because everything is empty without you.
I really don't want to disturb you since it's the day before everything is due, and you don't require any distractions from me. So, I'm writing here in the hopes that one day you'll read this and know that I'm always thinking of you.
But - yeah,
I don't know how you feel. HOW ARE YOU? Are you tired? Exhausted? How was working today? How have your assignments gone? Did you go anywhere, is Erica back yet?
I miss you and there's nothing I can bloody do about it.
I want to text you, but I don't to wake you up.
You must've been working so hard today. Rest now, Love.
I Love You.
It's a blessed sound.
I feel like I can go to sleep to it, but I can't.
Because everything is empty without you.
I really don't want to disturb you since it's the day before everything is due, and you don't require any distractions from me. So, I'm writing here in the hopes that one day you'll read this and know that I'm always thinking of you.
But - yeah,
I don't know how you feel. HOW ARE YOU? Are you tired? Exhausted? How was working today? How have your assignments gone? Did you go anywhere, is Erica back yet?
I miss you and there's nothing I can bloody do about it.
I want to text you, but I don't to wake you up.
You must've been working so hard today. Rest now, Love.
I Love You.
Monday, 31 May 2010
The world is sad, grey and beautiful.
Someone died at Granville today.
She doesn't know the details. What she does know, however, is that as the rain beat gently and silently against the glass, she hears a flurry of mobile phones being retrieved from purses and bags and the adjusting of pockets. Several languages come, and accents too. Voices emerge, defining the personality, status and disposition of each individual. The woman beside her was surprising, her voice said she was a morning person.
She can't understand what most are saying, but she knows exactly what is communicated to the beyond.
I'm running late...
There's been an accident...
There's been some big accident...
Apparently some guy...
No one cares to discover more of what occurred to cause this delay, their main concern is about that nine o'clock appointment beyond all else. She ponders if her mother has been affected, hopes, that within this rain, it wasn't a train crash. She sits. Perhaps the most still, the only one who has no one to call. No one relying on her. No one needing her. No one. She wonders if she can ever learn how to be independent again, but there's a fine line between independence and loneliness. She misses the person she used to be, the perpetual vibrance, the dreams, the friends. Perhaps she took them for granted. She needs them now, perhaps they don't need her. She feels like a leech. Or a parasite.
She opens a page. Legal feminist theory. She reads. She doesn't think about Granville.
37 minutes late. Mostly, she doesn't care. All she can do is damn the rain and damn her shoes for chaffing her hastening feet. Her own fault, she supposes, they were cheap.
She waits in the rain, alone, drowning in a rainbow a sea of umbrellas. She casts a brief thought, not to her health, but to her books. A glance at her dampening bag and she concludes that they'll be safe. The rain is as relentless as the taxi drivers on George street. They're always so eager to maul her at the knees, even when the man says walk.
The sky is grey, like her mood.
She waits again. Another sea of umbrellas. The rain drums.
A hand reaches out, and a shy voice whispers. Somehow she hears it overpowering the insatiable beat of the rain, the spray of cars rushing past and the distant cacophony of honking, beeping and yelling. The machinated rumbles of the city are drowned amidst this quiet offering. She figures, God is smiling at her. She smiles back as she steps under this woman's umbrella. It's a tiny sphere, obviously only fit for one, it's new apparently, but cheap. It'll do, they both think, it'll do. The moment could have been awkward, but somehow there's comfort in knowing that in the non-discriminate onslaught of the rain, strangers can be united in one of the most basic and humanistic way: in the simple quest for shelter.
Perhaps there's sunshine after all.
--------------------------------------------------------------
She sits. She waits. She's here again, her home away from home. It's cleaner than she remembers, but on days like this, such is the norm. The pavement is still decorated with the historic polka dot formations of discarded gum, blackened by time and the shoes of blind people. The metallic seats are still icy and empty, except for the random delinquent truanting from school, the mother with a double stroller and six bags of groceries, or the most unsavoury character she hopes won't steal her earrings because they shine. Her purse and phone are clutched in a vice-like grasp.
The rain continues the beat across the pavement. It's beautiful. The droplets land in waves, arbitrary patterns, ribbons of water against the surface. They dance like a harp player's fingers across the strings, she can almost hear its music, see the notes written in the patterns of precipitation diving to the floor. It's gentle and daring, and soft and vibrant. Orchestral.
A gutter is leaking. Rain splatters constantly downwards. No pin prick landings of light droplets, the chaotic splatter screams of death. She thinks of Granville. It's an incessant and annoying clap. The moist splattering of this broken construction is juvenile and immature. She frowns, it cannot match the sophistication of nature's symphony across the road.
A bus careers past, sending two distinct streaks across the delicate magnum opus. The moment is gone. She realises there's a hideous side to pulchritude, and that beauty comes in waves.
She alights the bus and proceeds uphill and onwards to home. She's trudging through mud and murky water flowing downstream. Exhaustion steals across her limbs, and her bag diggs ever so voraciously into her shoulder.
But she doesn't mind, because on this side, the sky is blue, the colours a bright, and the roses are blooming.
She doesn't know the details. What she does know, however, is that as the rain beat gently and silently against the glass, she hears a flurry of mobile phones being retrieved from purses and bags and the adjusting of pockets. Several languages come, and accents too. Voices emerge, defining the personality, status and disposition of each individual. The woman beside her was surprising, her voice said she was a morning person.
She can't understand what most are saying, but she knows exactly what is communicated to the beyond.
I'm running late...
There's been an accident...
There's been some big accident...
Apparently some guy...
No one cares to discover more of what occurred to cause this delay, their main concern is about that nine o'clock appointment beyond all else. She ponders if her mother has been affected, hopes, that within this rain, it wasn't a train crash. She sits. Perhaps the most still, the only one who has no one to call. No one relying on her. No one needing her. No one. She wonders if she can ever learn how to be independent again, but there's a fine line between independence and loneliness. She misses the person she used to be, the perpetual vibrance, the dreams, the friends. Perhaps she took them for granted. She needs them now, perhaps they don't need her. She feels like a leech. Or a parasite.
She opens a page. Legal feminist theory. She reads. She doesn't think about Granville.
37 minutes late. Mostly, she doesn't care. All she can do is damn the rain and damn her shoes for chaffing her hastening feet. Her own fault, she supposes, they were cheap.
She waits in the rain, alone, drowning in a rainbow a sea of umbrellas. She casts a brief thought, not to her health, but to her books. A glance at her dampening bag and she concludes that they'll be safe. The rain is as relentless as the taxi drivers on George street. They're always so eager to maul her at the knees, even when the man says walk.
The sky is grey, like her mood.
She waits again. Another sea of umbrellas. The rain drums.
A hand reaches out, and a shy voice whispers. Somehow she hears it overpowering the insatiable beat of the rain, the spray of cars rushing past and the distant cacophony of honking, beeping and yelling. The machinated rumbles of the city are drowned amidst this quiet offering. She figures, God is smiling at her. She smiles back as she steps under this woman's umbrella. It's a tiny sphere, obviously only fit for one, it's new apparently, but cheap. It'll do, they both think, it'll do. The moment could have been awkward, but somehow there's comfort in knowing that in the non-discriminate onslaught of the rain, strangers can be united in one of the most basic and humanistic way: in the simple quest for shelter.
Perhaps there's sunshine after all.
--------------------------------------------------------------
She sits. She waits. She's here again, her home away from home. It's cleaner than she remembers, but on days like this, such is the norm. The pavement is still decorated with the historic polka dot formations of discarded gum, blackened by time and the shoes of blind people. The metallic seats are still icy and empty, except for the random delinquent truanting from school, the mother with a double stroller and six bags of groceries, or the most unsavoury character she hopes won't steal her earrings because they shine. Her purse and phone are clutched in a vice-like grasp.
The rain continues the beat across the pavement. It's beautiful. The droplets land in waves, arbitrary patterns, ribbons of water against the surface. They dance like a harp player's fingers across the strings, she can almost hear its music, see the notes written in the patterns of precipitation diving to the floor. It's gentle and daring, and soft and vibrant. Orchestral.
A gutter is leaking. Rain splatters constantly downwards. No pin prick landings of light droplets, the chaotic splatter screams of death. She thinks of Granville. It's an incessant and annoying clap. The moist splattering of this broken construction is juvenile and immature. She frowns, it cannot match the sophistication of nature's symphony across the road.
A bus careers past, sending two distinct streaks across the delicate magnum opus. The moment is gone. She realises there's a hideous side to pulchritude, and that beauty comes in waves.
She alights the bus and proceeds uphill and onwards to home. She's trudging through mud and murky water flowing downstream. Exhaustion steals across her limbs, and her bag diggs ever so voraciously into her shoulder.
But she doesn't mind, because on this side, the sky is blue, the colours a bright, and the roses are blooming.
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