Yes Dyanne, I'm so emo. NOT!
LOL. Today was good. Very good. Oh goodness, what is happening to me? Am I now reduced to utilising single-syllabled adjectives? Hmm, today was eventful and enlightening. That's better.
The morning was alright I guess, I had to run for the train today, once again. Good thing I wasn't feeling particularly lazy today. In my free I committed myself to attempting to complete my science homework, but then of course I became distracted by tetris which then it turn became Sushi Go-round. Oh my gosh how FUN is that game?? It's awesome. Maths was...eventful. But I can only be satisfied with the outcomes of that lesson. I PASSED MY MATHS TEST. ZOMG!! I know, that's nothing to celebrate. It's appalling that I should be thinking such a thing, and rejoicing in the fact that I JUST passed, however this is mathematics and that was a LUDICROUSLY difficult advanced exam. I'm happy, and my non-calaculator marks have improved.
I received good marks in geography. 92% can't ask for more than that. I hate geography, so thats nnniiiiccceee. Erm, the most ironically eventful thing that really happened today was after school. Went "hanging" with Dyanne and co. at Westpoint foodcourt. I had sushi! This is such a sushi day for me, but its healthy, so yeh. I also had a Tim Tam Gloria Jeans thingo. That was nice, despite my clumsiness with the cup and straw. LOL we were discussing him (I should have a code name for him. I'm deliberating 'sex-on-legs' and 'Adonis' both suggested by Dyanne by the way - I think I'll go for Adonis. Sex-on-legs sounds rather compromising) and Dyanne, seriously, the way you express things just cracks me up. Such as a friend not finding him all that attractive. To which Dyanne of course replied "I'M SERIOUSLY QUESTIONING YOUR SEXUALITY RIGHT NOW" Or how we were discussing having him as a boyfriend, and Dyanne stating that she probably wouldn't want to be his girlfriend because you'd feel very inferior standing there next to a GOD. ROFLMAO. A GOD. ADONIS. In fact yes 'The Asian Adonis' hmm, that could actually be his "code-name" now.
What was hilarious though, was Jill's book. Well, it wasn't hers but she had it. I forgot what it was called. She said it was 'kinky.' Girl, that book wasn't kinky, that hit straight passed kinky and landed at... I don't know...lyrical pornography? Porn of the mind? Ok, yes it was passionate and erotic but...there were lines there that just ruined the passion and supposed sensuality of the text. It degraded the class of it. I could say today was full of sexual explanations, such as a reuqest for me in science to articulate what an um, orgasm was to Lisa who I must admit is VERY naive in that respect. Then I had to explain all the sexual innuendos, lingo double entendre to Jess, who is UNBELIEVEABLY INNOCENT. So much so to the point that you would think that she's never been exposed to the internet or television.
My, my corrupting innocent minds is fun.
Oh and Jelly's hair was cut by a lawn mower. ROFLMAO!!!!!
An Dyanne finally knows who Mr. Melon is. See I already gave a code name to Mr. English Tea. I think that English Tea is more appropriate for him actually. But The Asian Adonis, who has acquired a title with "THE" as a prefix due to his undeniable hotness has a code name with suits him perfectly.
Ah I must take my leave, and go on the kinokuniya website to see if they have 'graveyard of fireflies' so I can use it for an additional material text.
Ah.... trials and tribulations.
Until next time -
- deeh <3 xox
Wednesday, 24 October 2007
Tuesday, 23 October 2007
Aftermath
I'm trying to decipher exactly what I feel at the moment. I don't know, I can only use a colour to describe how I feel: grey. I don't feel as crisp or as meaningful as the shades of black and white. I feel bland. I feel bleak. I feel...grey. I don't feel upset or jealous about yesterday's revelations, actually. I'm oddly happy for him, which doesn't happen in the movies. I feel happy for him. I like him. He has a girlfriend and I surprisingly wholly accept that. I do, and it feels weird. It's like the first step has been taken to advancing forward and I didn't even know it.
They've been together for ages, and that proves that she's obviously doing something right. She obviously makes him happy so I'll do nothing to jeapoardize that. I'm just thankful and very grateful that we're still friends I guess. However, for some bizarre reason I don't feel like seeing him at the moment. I don't think I'm ready to have the object of my affections displayed before me and tantalizingly unavailable. Or maybe this is just displaced embarassment. Although, it's better that I discovered it now than later when any actions of mine could prove detrimental.
On other notes, we had swimming today. Such lessons are usually the catalyst to overwhelming dread and embarassment. Yet today was really fun. It was nice and relaxing and I actually wanted to learn how to dive! Well, in all honesty I can already dive, just not very well. I haven't done it in the longest time. I feel that I can truthfully enjoy the remainder of this year. It's all about stepping outside your comfort zone and into beyond. Subject yourself to the open sea, set sail and hang on with destination unknown.
Subjects today were excellent. English was a journey within itself where my fears were realised but my love inspired. We were unravelling this poem, and it was amazing. I found myself arriving to the dawning of why I love English. I found myself sitting there smiling thinking, this is why I love English. Jess and I really need to practice our Macbeth scene. I'm really happy that I have everything memorised though. The staging segment is the fun part, along with the recitation of course. Which reminds me, I must find additional material for journeys. That will be difficult. However I am anticipating it with a certain zeal.
What else? Oh I was listening to my favourite songs today, as a small comfort to myself for I'm still a bit upset by the news of his unavailability. I accept it and am ready to move on. Here are these amazing lyrics which are so very FITTING as they relate so much to what I feel right now. Here are two awesome songs, mainly for relaxation. These are more alternative-ish, butu then again I listen everything.
Here's "Strange and Beautiful" by Aqualung. That's exactly what this song is. Strange and Beautiful, but the lyrics totally appeal. (And it's a waltz!)
I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.
I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.
Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the frist thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...
Don't those lyrics just fit like a surgeon's glove? I'm also listening to the Perishers, "Trouble Sleeping" The lyrics also do appeal, though not as much but the general feel of the song, and the actual SOUND of it appeals to me so much right now. It just has tis melancholy and sense of longing permeating it. It's really beautiful, as are the breathy vocals.
I’m having trouble breathing
You’re sitting on my chest
I sure could use the rest
Leave me
It’s you
Why’s it always you
and never me?
I’ve never dared to let
my feelings free
Why’s it always you
and never me?
I’ve never cared
too much about honesty
=) That's really all I have for today. I'm really trying to blog faithfully everyday, so as to avoid a writer's block. :) This is nice, this exertion of emotion. I feel much better.
Until next time -
- deeh <3 xox.
They've been together for ages, and that proves that she's obviously doing something right. She obviously makes him happy so I'll do nothing to jeapoardize that. I'm just thankful and very grateful that we're still friends I guess. However, for some bizarre reason I don't feel like seeing him at the moment. I don't think I'm ready to have the object of my affections displayed before me and tantalizingly unavailable. Or maybe this is just displaced embarassment. Although, it's better that I discovered it now than later when any actions of mine could prove detrimental.
On other notes, we had swimming today. Such lessons are usually the catalyst to overwhelming dread and embarassment. Yet today was really fun. It was nice and relaxing and I actually wanted to learn how to dive! Well, in all honesty I can already dive, just not very well. I haven't done it in the longest time. I feel that I can truthfully enjoy the remainder of this year. It's all about stepping outside your comfort zone and into beyond. Subject yourself to the open sea, set sail and hang on with destination unknown.
Subjects today were excellent. English was a journey within itself where my fears were realised but my love inspired. We were unravelling this poem, and it was amazing. I found myself arriving to the dawning of why I love English. I found myself sitting there smiling thinking, this is why I love English. Jess and I really need to practice our Macbeth scene. I'm really happy that I have everything memorised though. The staging segment is the fun part, along with the recitation of course. Which reminds me, I must find additional material for journeys. That will be difficult. However I am anticipating it with a certain zeal.
What else? Oh I was listening to my favourite songs today, as a small comfort to myself for I'm still a bit upset by the news of his unavailability. I accept it and am ready to move on. Here are these amazing lyrics which are so very FITTING as they relate so much to what I feel right now. Here are two awesome songs, mainly for relaxation. These are more alternative-ish, butu then again I listen everything.
Here's "Strange and Beautiful" by Aqualung. That's exactly what this song is. Strange and Beautiful, but the lyrics totally appeal. (And it's a waltz!)
I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.
I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.
Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the frist thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...
Don't those lyrics just fit like a surgeon's glove? I'm also listening to the Perishers, "Trouble Sleeping" The lyrics also do appeal, though not as much but the general feel of the song, and the actual SOUND of it appeals to me so much right now. It just has tis melancholy and sense of longing permeating it. It's really beautiful, as are the breathy vocals.
I’m having trouble breathing
You’re sitting on my chest
I sure could use the rest
Leave me
It’s you
Why’s it always you
and never me?
I’ve never dared to let
my feelings free
Why’s it always you
and never me?
I’ve never cared
too much about honesty
=) That's really all I have for today. I'm really trying to blog faithfully everyday, so as to avoid a writer's block. :) This is nice, this exertion of emotion. I feel much better.
Until next time -
- deeh <3 xox.
Monday, 22 October 2007
Life kicked my ass again. AGAIN.
Yup it's confirmed. He has a girlfriend.
Harriet was right and all sense of hope has been extinguished. I'm glad I prepared myself for the worst though. I'm not that very disappointed. If you don't get your hopes high then you don't fall very far. I asked my friend about it, feigning indifference (like I didn't care, you know) and couldn't help but feel a pang of regret when she said. "Yeah, they're the same." She called her "Kuya's (insert his name here)(insert her name here)." In any other circumstances that would be so sweet, but of course life likes to be a pain in the ass and these aren't any other circumstances.
I want to lament somehow, I don't know cry or eat chocolate or something but I won't. I did that last night. I shed a tear or two but I'm ok! :) Daijoubu desuyo!
So now I shall humbly step down, curse life and myself for my shitty timing and surpress my feelings once more. Life cuts you all the time, only until we develop callouses.
I'm used to this, so this shouldn't be so bad. I'm hurt, and pretty upset but I'll be ok.
For what is life without death?
What birth without pain?
What is love without hate?
And what is a rainbow without rain?
- until next time.
- deeh.
A shout out to jelly!! First boob. LoL. We get that.
Harriet was right and all sense of hope has been extinguished. I'm glad I prepared myself for the worst though. I'm not that very disappointed. If you don't get your hopes high then you don't fall very far. I asked my friend about it, feigning indifference (like I didn't care, you know) and couldn't help but feel a pang of regret when she said. "Yeah, they're the same." She called her "Kuya's (insert his name here)(insert her name here)." In any other circumstances that would be so sweet, but of course life likes to be a pain in the ass and these aren't any other circumstances.
I want to lament somehow, I don't know cry or eat chocolate or something but I won't. I did that last night. I shed a tear or two but I'm ok! :) Daijoubu desuyo!
So now I shall humbly step down, curse life and myself for my shitty timing and surpress my feelings once more. Life cuts you all the time, only until we develop callouses.
I'm used to this, so this shouldn't be so bad. I'm hurt, and pretty upset but I'll be ok.
For what is life without death?
What birth without pain?
What is love without hate?
And what is a rainbow without rain?
- until next time.
- deeh.
A shout out to jelly!! First boob. LoL. We get that.
Sunday, 21 October 2007
Life kicked my ass again.
Scratch that last post. I've just discovered that he's got a girlfriend.
I mean, it's not official but the the similarities and the current circumstances don't speak coincidence.
I feel like a fool. I've really still been in this denial phase, why am I always in denial? I was denial long enough, and now that I've finally figured out my feelings for him, he has to be taken. Some bloody great timing, I have. I can't believe that I allowed myself to be seduced by the romantic notion that he may actually be single. How could I pull the wool over my own eyes? A guy with his looks doesn't stay single. A girl would be out of their minds to let him go. It's like cheating on Jessica Alba - unheard of!
I've been doing the ironing, cooking and washing the dishes. Although I am thankful for the solitude and the fact that it gives me something to do, I don't like the fact that it gives me opportunity to think. My mind just dwells and wallows in everything I feel and what I've discovered today.
Good thing I'm back to my computer so I can throw myself into my work and not resurface until its time for me to sleep. Ah studying, but a timely distraction. Tomorrow I'll confirm my fears and discover if what I've heard is indeed truth.
M heart's bruised not broken, I'll forced those floodwaters to recede and I'll build a bigger and better wall with cement and reinforced steel. Then only, only when it is then safe enough to perchance hope and dream then maybe I'll consider demolishing that floodgate. I've had my hopes bright down too many times to think otherwise, hope is a risk only the very few brave of us take. I've taken that risk too many times and returned empty-handed.
Life kicked me in the ass again, but I'm going to go and kick it right back because, I, I have a religion exam to study for.
So go study for it deeh.
And that I will.
I mean, it's not official but the the similarities and the current circumstances don't speak coincidence.
I feel like a fool. I've really still been in this denial phase, why am I always in denial? I was denial long enough, and now that I've finally figured out my feelings for him, he has to be taken. Some bloody great timing, I have. I can't believe that I allowed myself to be seduced by the romantic notion that he may actually be single. How could I pull the wool over my own eyes? A guy with his looks doesn't stay single. A girl would be out of their minds to let him go. It's like cheating on Jessica Alba - unheard of!
I've been doing the ironing, cooking and washing the dishes. Although I am thankful for the solitude and the fact that it gives me something to do, I don't like the fact that it gives me opportunity to think. My mind just dwells and wallows in everything I feel and what I've discovered today.
Good thing I'm back to my computer so I can throw myself into my work and not resurface until its time for me to sleep. Ah studying, but a timely distraction. Tomorrow I'll confirm my fears and discover if what I've heard is indeed truth.
M heart's bruised not broken, I'll forced those floodwaters to recede and I'll build a bigger and better wall with cement and reinforced steel. Then only, only when it is then safe enough to perchance hope and dream then maybe I'll consider demolishing that floodgate. I've had my hopes bright down too many times to think otherwise, hope is a risk only the very few brave of us take. I've taken that risk too many times and returned empty-handed.
Life kicked me in the ass again, but I'm going to go and kick it right back because, I, I have a religion exam to study for.
So go study for it deeh.
And that I will.
Recent Emotional Musings
The philosophies of one self. The female teenage mind is an interesting thing.
Wow it has been such a long time, my dear blogspot.
Hmm, I guess once again this may just begin with an infuriated rant about my infuriating, inconsiderate imbecile of a brother, however some “Thirty Seconds to Mars” followed by some incredibly jovial Jpop has cured me of my anger. Thank the Lord for the healing powers of music.
Maybe the oblivious viewer throughout the cyber-universe, would like an update on recent events (or my thoughts towards them at least, then) hmm? Regardless, this is a blog, and my journal ergo I shall be venting any accumulation of emotions from the past few weeks.
Now, don’t roll your eyes or laugh at my choice in topic. This has been on my mind lately, whether you like it or not. I’m a teenage girl currently being battered amongst throes of adolescence and hormonal fluctuations. It’s my prerogative to discuss this topic: Romance. Yes. Romance. Not in the cliché Valentines sense but rather the nature of HOW one feels.
Maybe some of you may know of whom I am referring to (DYANNE) but I’ll keep him anonymous for the sake of my sanity, and you should too Dyanne (that is, IF you are reading this). Lately I’ve been trying to decipher how exactly such feelings of mine came to be, and analysing how one’s feelings amplify subsequent to an epiphany.
Throughout my musings, I have produced an analogy: floodgates. I believe that what I have experienced can be compared to overflowing floodgates. Their key? Admittance. Conceding. Epiphany. I’ve realised that the simple acceptance of one’s feelings releases these flood gates of emotion and obliterates all sense of accumulated denial like a river charging through and destroying all feeble attempts at fences and the such.
What had allured me to the person in question in the first place? Hmm, I believe it was his outstandingly good looks and cool demeanour, I guess. Who am I kidding? The boy is gorgeous, and very pretty. What’s even better is that he doesn’t boast about his looks, I doubt he’s even aware of how good looking he even is. I do remember exactly the day when I first saw him. He was sitting there talking. He seemed very complacent then, but I know him a little better now, I just I wish I knew him enough to progress passed the barrier of merely “acquaintance” to “friend.” I am not shallow I am allured to more than appearances alone. The fact that he’s incredibly nice and converses with me willingly when appropriate, or always greets and says goodbye more than the others, is part of why I experience these heart palpitations. We also share some of the same interests, which is a bonus of course.
If it were looks alone I would be able to overlook this as a mere phase, as I have done before. However, I believe it has been these recent dreams of mine which seemed to be the catalyst of what I feel at the moment. Usually I stand by as but an oblivious onlooker as he finds someone new and builds a relationship with them, with a couple of my friends actually. That hurt a little but at the time, I told myself that I didn’t like him, I mean of course I liked him but not in the romantic sense. Ah the trials and tribulations of the written word.
I’ve been able to mollify my feelings and control them, they’ve always been like this candle tucked away and privy to everything else that swirls around my mind. I have been living in that sort of ‘denial’ (for lack of a better word) for months now, until the dreams came along. They say dreams are the surfacing of your subconscious or the manifestations of what on truly feels or how I don’t know predictions of the future. I’d like to settle for the Cinderella version: A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you’re fast asleep. Now I’m not trying to transform my life into a fantasy because of my naivety and inexperience in this area. I have been experiencing these dreams, they are of innocent nature. Really innocent, but romantic. They made me think, have I been denying myself of what I’ve been wishing for? Am I the reason why I feel lonely at times? Am I the one who is inhibiting myself?
The thought that I may actually like this guy, in all sense of the word, had slithered upon my thoughts as deviously as Satan’s serpent that had seduced Eve in the Garden of Eden. Honestly, it wasn’t some shocking revelation but rather a quiet acceptance through the help of these weird dreams.
Here’s where the floodgate analogy plays a role. Once I had conceded the way I feel about him, my feelings sort of amplified instantaneously. As though with that final acceptance I had released the reigns I had on my emotions and they broke free like a brilliant black stallion on a rampage galloping through me. So now, I am stuck with this sudden...truth, if you will. Now he’s taken reign over my mind and I can’t seem to drown him out.
Ah well, what can you do? Damn the workings of the adolescent mind! Damn them! They’re so disruptive. I can’t study proficiently like this. That’s just sad. I’m worried about school.
I should stop dwelling on this now...
Until next time, which because of recent developments will be very soon, bye bye
- Deeh
PS. Harriet! You better not have said anything or I swear to all that is good and holy, I WILL SMITE YOU. FEAR MY WRATH (it is SO fun saying that. LOL)
Wow it has been such a long time, my dear blogspot.
Hmm, I guess once again this may just begin with an infuriated rant about my infuriating, inconsiderate imbecile of a brother, however some “Thirty Seconds to Mars” followed by some incredibly jovial Jpop has cured me of my anger. Thank the Lord for the healing powers of music.
Maybe the oblivious viewer throughout the cyber-universe, would like an update on recent events (or my thoughts towards them at least, then) hmm? Regardless, this is a blog, and my journal ergo I shall be venting any accumulation of emotions from the past few weeks.
Now, don’t roll your eyes or laugh at my choice in topic. This has been on my mind lately, whether you like it or not. I’m a teenage girl currently being battered amongst throes of adolescence and hormonal fluctuations. It’s my prerogative to discuss this topic: Romance. Yes. Romance. Not in the cliché Valentines sense but rather the nature of HOW one feels.
Maybe some of you may know of whom I am referring to (DYANNE) but I’ll keep him anonymous for the sake of my sanity, and you should too Dyanne (that is, IF you are reading this). Lately I’ve been trying to decipher how exactly such feelings of mine came to be, and analysing how one’s feelings amplify subsequent to an epiphany.
Throughout my musings, I have produced an analogy: floodgates. I believe that what I have experienced can be compared to overflowing floodgates. Their key? Admittance. Conceding. Epiphany. I’ve realised that the simple acceptance of one’s feelings releases these flood gates of emotion and obliterates all sense of accumulated denial like a river charging through and destroying all feeble attempts at fences and the such.
What had allured me to the person in question in the first place? Hmm, I believe it was his outstandingly good looks and cool demeanour, I guess. Who am I kidding? The boy is gorgeous, and very pretty. What’s even better is that he doesn’t boast about his looks, I doubt he’s even aware of how good looking he even is. I do remember exactly the day when I first saw him. He was sitting there talking. He seemed very complacent then, but I know him a little better now, I just I wish I knew him enough to progress passed the barrier of merely “acquaintance” to “friend.” I am not shallow I am allured to more than appearances alone. The fact that he’s incredibly nice and converses with me willingly when appropriate, or always greets and says goodbye more than the others, is part of why I experience these heart palpitations. We also share some of the same interests, which is a bonus of course.
If it were looks alone I would be able to overlook this as a mere phase, as I have done before. However, I believe it has been these recent dreams of mine which seemed to be the catalyst of what I feel at the moment. Usually I stand by as but an oblivious onlooker as he finds someone new and builds a relationship with them, with a couple of my friends actually. That hurt a little but at the time, I told myself that I didn’t like him, I mean of course I liked him but not in the romantic sense. Ah the trials and tribulations of the written word.
I’ve been able to mollify my feelings and control them, they’ve always been like this candle tucked away and privy to everything else that swirls around my mind. I have been living in that sort of ‘denial’ (for lack of a better word) for months now, until the dreams came along. They say dreams are the surfacing of your subconscious or the manifestations of what on truly feels or how I don’t know predictions of the future. I’d like to settle for the Cinderella version: A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you’re fast asleep. Now I’m not trying to transform my life into a fantasy because of my naivety and inexperience in this area. I have been experiencing these dreams, they are of innocent nature. Really innocent, but romantic. They made me think, have I been denying myself of what I’ve been wishing for? Am I the reason why I feel lonely at times? Am I the one who is inhibiting myself?
The thought that I may actually like this guy, in all sense of the word, had slithered upon my thoughts as deviously as Satan’s serpent that had seduced Eve in the Garden of Eden. Honestly, it wasn’t some shocking revelation but rather a quiet acceptance through the help of these weird dreams.
Here’s where the floodgate analogy plays a role. Once I had conceded the way I feel about him, my feelings sort of amplified instantaneously. As though with that final acceptance I had released the reigns I had on my emotions and they broke free like a brilliant black stallion on a rampage galloping through me. So now, I am stuck with this sudden...truth, if you will. Now he’s taken reign over my mind and I can’t seem to drown him out.
Ah well, what can you do? Damn the workings of the adolescent mind! Damn them! They’re so disruptive. I can’t study proficiently like this. That’s just sad. I’m worried about school.
I should stop dwelling on this now...
Until next time, which because of recent developments will be very soon, bye bye
- Deeh
PS. Harriet! You better not have said anything or I swear to all that is good and holy, I WILL SMITE YOU. FEAR MY WRATH (it is SO fun saying that. LOL)
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