Aftermath

I'm trying to decipher exactly what I feel at the moment. I don't know, I can only use a colour to describe how I feel: grey. I don't feel as crisp or as meaningful as the shades of black and white. I feel bland. I feel bleak. I feel...grey. I don't feel upset or jealous about yesterday's revelations, actually. I'm oddly happy for him, which doesn't happen in the movies. I feel happy for him. I like him. He has a girlfriend and I surprisingly wholly accept that. I do, and it feels weird. It's like the first step has been taken to advancing forward and I didn't even know it.

They've been together for ages, and that proves that she's obviously doing something right. She obviously makes him happy so I'll do nothing to jeapoardize that. I'm just thankful and very grateful that we're still friends I guess. However, for some bizarre reason I don't feel like seeing him at the moment. I don't think I'm ready to have the object of my affections displayed before me and tantalizingly unavailable. Or maybe this is just displaced embarassment. Although, it's better that I discovered it now than later when any actions of mine could prove detrimental.

On other notes, we had swimming today. Such lessons are usually the catalyst to overwhelming dread and embarassment. Yet today was really fun. It was nice and relaxing and I actually wanted to learn how to dive! Well, in all honesty I can already dive, just not very well. I haven't done it in the longest time. I feel that I can truthfully enjoy the remainder of this year. It's all about stepping outside your comfort zone and into beyond. Subject yourself to the open sea, set sail and hang on with destination unknown.

Subjects today were excellent. English was a journey within itself where my fears were realised but my love inspired. We were unravelling this poem, and it was amazing. I found myself arriving to the dawning of why I love English. I found myself sitting there smiling thinking, this is why I love English. Jess and I really need to practice our Macbeth scene. I'm really happy that I have everything memorised though. The staging segment is the fun part, along with the recitation of course. Which reminds me, I must find additional material for journeys. That will be difficult. However I am anticipating it with a certain zeal.

What else? Oh I was listening to my favourite songs today, as a small comfort to myself for I'm still a bit upset by the news of his unavailability. I accept it and am ready to move on. Here are these amazing lyrics which are so very FITTING as they relate so much to what I feel right now. Here are two awesome songs, mainly for relaxation. These are more alternative-ish, butu then again I listen everything.

Here's "Strange and Beautiful" by Aqualung. That's exactly what this song is. Strange and Beautiful, but the lyrics totally appeal. (And it's a waltz!)

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the frist thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...

Don't those lyrics just fit like a surgeon's glove? I'm also listening to the Perishers, "Trouble Sleeping" The lyrics also do appeal, though not as much but the general feel of the song, and the actual SOUND of it appeals to me so much right now. It just has tis melancholy and sense of longing permeating it. It's really beautiful, as are the breathy vocals.

I’m having trouble breathing
You’re sitting on my chest
I sure could use the rest
Leave me

It’s you
Why’s it always you
and never me?
I’ve never dared to let
my feelings free
Why’s it always you
and never me?
I’ve never cared
too much about honesty

=) That's really all I have for today. I'm really trying to blog faithfully everyday, so as to avoid a writer's block. :) This is nice, this exertion of emotion. I feel much better.

Until next time -

- deeh <3 xox.