The philosophies of one self. The female teenage mind is an interesting thing.
Wow it has been such a long time, my dear blogspot.
Hmm, I guess once again this may just begin with an infuriated rant about my infuriating, inconsiderate imbecile of a brother, however some “Thirty Seconds to Mars” followed by some incredibly jovial Jpop has cured me of my anger. Thank the Lord for the healing powers of music.
Maybe the oblivious viewer throughout the cyber-universe, would like an update on recent events (or my thoughts towards them at least, then) hmm? Regardless, this is a blog, and my journal ergo I shall be venting any accumulation of emotions from the past few weeks.
Now, don’t roll your eyes or laugh at my choice in topic. This has been on my mind lately, whether you like it or not. I’m a teenage girl currently being battered amongst throes of adolescence and hormonal fluctuations. It’s my prerogative to discuss this topic: Romance. Yes. Romance. Not in the cliché Valentines sense but rather the nature of HOW one feels.
Maybe some of you may know of whom I am referring to (DYANNE) but I’ll keep him anonymous for the sake of my sanity, and you should too Dyanne (that is, IF you are reading this). Lately I’ve been trying to decipher how exactly such feelings of mine came to be, and analysing how one’s feelings amplify subsequent to an epiphany.
Throughout my musings, I have produced an analogy: floodgates. I believe that what I have experienced can be compared to overflowing floodgates. Their key? Admittance. Conceding. Epiphany. I’ve realised that the simple acceptance of one’s feelings releases these flood gates of emotion and obliterates all sense of accumulated denial like a river charging through and destroying all feeble attempts at fences and the such.
What had allured me to the person in question in the first place? Hmm, I believe it was his outstandingly good looks and cool demeanour, I guess. Who am I kidding? The boy is gorgeous, and very pretty. What’s even better is that he doesn’t boast about his looks, I doubt he’s even aware of how good looking he even is. I do remember exactly the day when I first saw him. He was sitting there talking. He seemed very complacent then, but I know him a little better now, I just I wish I knew him enough to progress passed the barrier of merely “acquaintance” to “friend.” I am not shallow I am allured to more than appearances alone. The fact that he’s incredibly nice and converses with me willingly when appropriate, or always greets and says goodbye more than the others, is part of why I experience these heart palpitations. We also share some of the same interests, which is a bonus of course.
If it were looks alone I would be able to overlook this as a mere phase, as I have done before. However, I believe it has been these recent dreams of mine which seemed to be the catalyst of what I feel at the moment. Usually I stand by as but an oblivious onlooker as he finds someone new and builds a relationship with them, with a couple of my friends actually. That hurt a little but at the time, I told myself that I didn’t like him, I mean of course I liked him but not in the romantic sense. Ah the trials and tribulations of the written word.
I’ve been able to mollify my feelings and control them, they’ve always been like this candle tucked away and privy to everything else that swirls around my mind. I have been living in that sort of ‘denial’ (for lack of a better word) for months now, until the dreams came along. They say dreams are the surfacing of your subconscious or the manifestations of what on truly feels or how I don’t know predictions of the future. I’d like to settle for the Cinderella version: A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you’re fast asleep. Now I’m not trying to transform my life into a fantasy because of my naivety and inexperience in this area. I have been experiencing these dreams, they are of innocent nature. Really innocent, but romantic. They made me think, have I been denying myself of what I’ve been wishing for? Am I the reason why I feel lonely at times? Am I the one who is inhibiting myself?
The thought that I may actually like this guy, in all sense of the word, had slithered upon my thoughts as deviously as Satan’s serpent that had seduced Eve in the Garden of Eden. Honestly, it wasn’t some shocking revelation but rather a quiet acceptance through the help of these weird dreams.
Here’s where the floodgate analogy plays a role. Once I had conceded the way I feel about him, my feelings sort of amplified instantaneously. As though with that final acceptance I had released the reigns I had on my emotions and they broke free like a brilliant black stallion on a rampage galloping through me. So now, I am stuck with this sudden...truth, if you will. Now he’s taken reign over my mind and I can’t seem to drown him out.
Ah well, what can you do? Damn the workings of the adolescent mind! Damn them! They’re so disruptive. I can’t study proficiently like this. That’s just sad. I’m worried about school.
I should stop dwelling on this now...
Until next time, which because of recent developments will be very soon, bye bye
- Deeh
PS. Harriet! You better not have said anything or I swear to all that is good and holy, I WILL SMITE YOU. FEAR MY WRATH (it is SO fun saying that. LOL)
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