Hate is a strong word

But I really, really, really don't like my mum.

She's been pissing me off all weekend. I know I should respect my parents and the fourth commandment says we should "honour" them, but she's making it really hard for me to love that woman. We're meant to love them, well, she's making it a little hard!! I swear, the fact that God said we should respect our parents is the only thing restraining me from marching right up to her and socking her one right in the face!

She's been giving me the shits. AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!!! How do you feel deeh? Hmm, let's explore that shall we? Crestfallen, disappointed, frustrated, furious, angry, exasperated. I wanted to just break down crying but I couldn't because I was in church. What's worse is that these familiar thoughts of self-loathing are creeping back into my system. She just makes me want to hate myself. I just don't want to hope anymore, because life is just shit. Honestly, (this is a metaphor by the way) she gets my hopes up, crashes them down, offers me a consolation prize and then reveals that I can't even have that!!!!

Make up your fucking mind!! STOP TOYING WITH MY EMOTIONS! I wish I had a job, not because I want the money, or the experience as I tell everyone. I need an excuse to get away from the house, I need an excuse to keep me from walking through those doors at the end of a school day. I need something to take my mind off all the shit that goes on around here. Notice I didn't use the word "home." This isn't my home, I'm still trying to find it, it's certainly not here. I'm in a house full of people and still I feel alone. It's funny, I've been alone here for so long I've actually grown to like that emptiness. I've grown accustomed to it, and that's gotta be the worst thing of all. I actually want to be alone here, probably because whenever they notice me standing there I flare up with anger, pissed at them for not noticing before.

I'm tired of her broken promises and games. What I hate the most is that she doesn't realise how this affects me. She makes me question who I am, she makes me feel utterly insignificant, she breaks down every defence I've built and treats me like that 6 months of counselling was worthless. I want to hate her, I want to hate her so much. But I can't, because she's my mother and despite everything that I feel or want, I love her. So ouch, that hurts. I don't even like talking to her anymore, we used to be like bestfriends and I'd tell her anything and everything.

Yet I can't take it anymore. I just want, I just NEED an ear to listen. That's all, I don't need her interjecting her opinion, or her advice. I don't want or need it. I just want someone here in this house who will listen unconditionally without judgement. I wish she'd stop judging me. She doesn't know me.

I wish she'd stop pretending like she knows me, because she doesn't.

She doesn't make the effort to. All I have here at home for comfort is my pillow and copious amounts of chocolate. My apologies for not being my usual articulate self, I'm too distraught for any manner of decency at the moment.

until next time (which I pray will be a more jovial occasion) -

- deeh. xox.

I've so much to do...