Cold Hard Bitch

Yo. That's me. The Cold Hard Bitch. In the words of Tim "SLACK! THAT'S DOOOOOOOOOOOOGG THAT'S SO CUT DANA, YOU'RE SUCH A DOG!" *He laughs hysterically*

I feel SO awful, and I feel even worse for feeling so... liberated? It wasn't my fault that it I HAD to inform him that my feelings didn't reciprocate. I was hoping that the next time I saw Rob, it wouldn't be anywhere near his birthday, and I feel like such an idiot, rejecting him and then saying, "Well, Happy Birthday, by the way."

I hadn't intended on seeing him any time soon, and it was just that today of all days there was a Youth Band practice and Tim required additional female singers. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT HE'D BE THERE! It wasn't even in my agenda to attend the band practice, I'm not a lead singer! Anyway, so there I was in the car as my parents dropped me off and then the thought occurred to me that he may just be there. Frantically I searched for his brother's car and lo and behold, there it was glaring at me in all its shiny, silver, annoying glory.

Shit. Major shit.

Bracing myself, I exited my parents' little blue hatchback entered the belly of the beast. Throughout the entire practice I avoided gaze, although I could feel it on me. I thoroughly contemplated leaving it for now, not saying anything because it was his birthday. Yet I knew. If I didn't bring it up now, if I chickened out, I never would - and if I ever would, by then it would be too late. Besides, if I didn't possess the courage or gall to do this, how will I ever when the time comes for me to reveal to AA the emotions I hold for him? I just had to think of Eclipse, he was my Jacob Black, I was Bella and I have an Edward in sights already.

After practice, Michael and Paul decided to go through a Fallout Boy marathon, playing all their songs on drums and electric (which was awesome, despite anything you say Dyanne). Anyway, we were all outside waiting to be picked up so I decided to wait and while away the minutes by sitting a top Tim's car.

He joined me.

I thought to myself: "It's now or never." Gladly he initiated the conversation with an ambiguous yet all knowing, "How was your week?" To which I replied, "Good, oh and thanks by the way." I don't look at him, I rarely looked at him throughout this entire harrowing experience.
"Thanks, for what?" He replies - I can hear the smile in his voice and cringe as I know I'll be wiping it clean off his face.
"..." I hesitate, "The flowers, thanks they were nice but you have to know that... I don't feel the same way..." I refuse to look at him at this point. Here he becomes quite confusing.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that, I don't feel THAT way about you," I emphasise, trying to draw away yet hoping he understands my point. This is where he tries to conceal his intentions, but we both know it's too late.
"Well, why does it have to be that situation? I mean, why did it have to be interpreted that way?" He begins to prattle on, and I know he's grasping at straws, it becomes confusing as he attempts to disguise his romantic attentions as friendship. I remain silent. This segment seems to continually evade me, I don't really remember this section.
"O...k," I said, puzzled. "I mean the sentiment (the flowers)is very sweet and very flattering and I like you, but not that way."
"Do you want to take a walk to talk about this?"
NOO WAY. I was thoroughly against this. I needed the support of the people around me, taking a walk would prolong and extend the situation, and I wanted a quick, clean cut break.
"Um, this is already awkward enough already, I told him, illustrating that I was unwilling.
"Then how do you feel about me? What do you think of me?"
"I like you as a friend," I repeated, pretending that the hose in the garden was absolutely riveting. at least it gave me something to concentrate on as I did this. "and that's all. I mean I have to be honest with you, you're friend, but... there's nothing here," my hand is over my heart (VERY CLICHE now that I reflect on it), "I'm sorry but that's just the way it is."
"Yeah, you'd probably meet someone in Uni aye?" He says, and I can't quite decipher the tone of his voice.
I nod slightly in reply, unsure "...er, probably?"
"Yeah," he agrees, seemingly forlorn, "what would a girl like you want with a guy like me? A guy who hasn't had a proper education, isn't properly employed..." I was shocked, he chose NOW to jump into the ocean of self-pity. Now that I think back on it, I think that he was simply having the nerve to GUILT TRIP ME, as if I didn't feel awful enough! Anyway, at the time, I truly felt sorry for him.
"Hey! hey, it's nothing against you!" I interjected quickly, "I just don't, feel anything. It's nothing against you, nothing's wrong with you." I was desperately trying to save the situation.
"Well that's what my parents were saying, they were getting pissed at me for thinking that..."
"Look, as I said, it's nothing against you."
"Thanks..."
"Oh um, Happy Birthday, by the way"
"Thank you, you know you're the first person outside my family who has greeted me that?"
"Oh really, well I remember everyone's birthday" (which is the truth)
*phew*

Then he goes on about if we could still be friends, not wanting to make the situation any more awkward or any more tension arise, I agree. That's how it went.

I often found myself wondering if I would ever regret this. Then I thought of if I changed my mind and decided to get with hip-boy, then I though of Asian Adonis, and if by some extensive stretch of the imagination he ever reciprocated my feelings. Wouldn't you just HATE that if you're trapped in a relationship with someone you don't particularly like when the right one comes along? THEN I would regret it.

I'm beginning to speak with AA a lot more, and my feelings seem to grow. He likes to tease me, in that nice un-offending way. It's a nice laugh. :D I hate my dad's timing. There I was JUST ABOUT to sit next with him and strike a conversation with him (there he was, already smiling at me in all his utter *swoon*ness), and MY DAD RINGS TELLING ME HE IS GOING TO PICK ME UP!!! GAH!!

ANYWAY. DYZ. Your car is green. I like green too. I bought a green shirt for the swimming carnival. :D

Tim is unbelievable I told him about the flowers today, this was his reply: "FLOWERS? TO OUR HOUSE? WHAT A GUY. What a guy. I respect him now, he has earned my respect, what a guy." Tim is laughing. He finds my unfortunate predicament highly amusing.

Then I tell him that they're fake. He then produces some psychotic romantic bullshit about why fake is better. "You see Dana, he didn't get you real roses because he didn't know... if anything between you was real."

I shake my fist at him.

My reply was sassy enough, "I know exactly what's between us. Nothing."

COLD LIKE CUT ICE (stolen from Dyz)

Then I told Tim that I felt awful because today was his birthday.

HE BURST OUT LAUGHING.

"DOOOOOG! THAT'S SLACK. REJECTED HIM ON HIS BIRTHDAY! YOU'RE SUCH A DOG!"


Yeah. That's how progressed my day.

Until next time -

- deeh xox.

P.S Very tired now. Spent whole day cleaning...